How many hours did you work after going back from maternity leave?

[twoorthreeorfour]

My contract is changing to 3 days, 22.5 hours. I wondered what other people do. If you reduced your hours, at what point did you go full time again?

I really know my own children.

Working hasn't stopped that happening ffs.

I aren't against parents staying at home. If they can support themselves. If I didnt have to work I wouldnt. But not because I'm a mum, because I am disabled

I love these threads where people confuse their relationship (being a parent) with a career. So completely different and not mutually exclusive. We are all parents some of us can hold down a job at the same time too. I for one could never not work unless I was physically unable to.

I have nothing against sahm.

but we aren’t in the 1950’s. Women cannot expect lifetime support from marriage.

so whenever these posts come up I try and warn women that if the choose to be financially dependent on a man they need to future proof, because if that man isn’t around any more they will be expected to support themselves.

so - make sure the single income can cover private pension. Make sure the single income is high enough you can save 6m to a years salary for job loss, sickness etc. make sure you have savings in your own name so you have enough of a cushion to support yourself for a year or two should that man and his income disappear.

in most cases it can’t.

the days of women being provided for indefinitely by spousal maintenance, spousal pensions etc are long gone.

@SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal took great offence at these questions earlier in the thread. But let’s keep it real, shit happens and you could easily end up a single parent supporting yourself and your kids.

it happened to our family. One undiagnosed weak heart and one day we went from a sahm and financially comfortable, to no income. Grieving kids pulled out of school, hobbies, away from friends, to live the other end of the country with grandparents.

being a sahm might be amazing. Being a single parent with no income, not so much.

You’re not a better mother. You’re just doing it differently.
Being a good parent doesn’t mean being with your child 24/7.

Why do you feel the need to insult other women by telling them they’re poor mothers? Are you so insecure that you can’t acknowledge that your way isn’t the only way?

BTW we also played games, puzzles and taught DS the skills he needed - we’re not neglectful. DS was potty trained pretty quickly. DS’s speech eas always really advanced and he’s been working at greater depth through primary school. Interesting that you mention schools being concerned that basic skills aren’t being taught at home. That would be an issue for children who haven’t attended nursery surely? So not the flex you think it is.

Neither me or DH have missed an assembly, play, performance or event at school. I’ve been on countless school trips and we know all the parents on the school run. The majority of kids in DS’s school went to the same nursery so they’ve been friends since they were babies!

So tell me again how that makes me a shit parent?

Obviously some things have rightly improved, but we have lost other positives.

No mobile phones for a start off, children not being bombarded with unrealistic expectations from social media or vulnerable to online predators. No invasion of AI taking away tasks humans have always been perfectly capable of. It’s dangerous, we are more than capable of thinking for ourselves without asking AI. Human originality of thought and expression is at risk. Times seemed simpler, children played outside more (data supports that). Families and communities stayed closer and knew each other and could rely in a way many sadly don’t nowadays. Better fashion and music. Just personal preference really.

I stand by things were preferable when I was a child. I am so happy I didn’t go through my teenage years after iPhones took off.

It’s arguably harder to teach basic skills to 1-3 year olds in Nursery because the adults are understandably dividing their attention between at least 4 children. You can’t compare that to the attention a child receives from a 1:1 engaged mother, or father/grandmother/grandfather/family nanny actually.

But you then of course adapt to that. I say that as somebody who things did go wrong for as a child. My Mum was a SAHM, Dad committed suicide, we temporarily moved into my grandparents, Mum got back on her feet and was OK. My Mum started a whole new career after 17 years out of the workforce with genuinely zero issues. Many mothers do rejoin the workforce when their children start school. Some dip in and out- teenagers may need them. I don’t think it is as hard to get back on your feet as is sometimes stated as I have lived through a few huge family tragedies as a child.

What is useful for a SAHM is if possible to do some volunteering. That is very flexible and rewarding, and gives you somebody to ask for a reference and looks great on a CV. Even I am starting some further study when my youngest starts school, and I have been successful at various interviews recently, both for college and linked volunteering agencies. I really thought through all of the transferable skills I have as a SAHM, and interviewers said examples I shared about my own children were highly relevant. Mothers should be confident to discuss their talents at home!

I am very sorry to hear about what your family has been through. Life unfortunately can always throw us a major curveball. That unpredictability can be very scary 💐

@SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal I worked full time when DS was in primary school, I didn't miss one school event or sports day, I did the school run every day and he had play dates and did his homework every night.
When in nursery I never stressed if he was ill, either myself or DH took the time off.
I didn't miss the first step, he had home cooked meals every night, he still does in fact.
Tell me again why are you a better mum?
You are not, you are no better and no worse you just chose a different route.
I chose to work because we wanted the financial stability, to live in a nice area with the best secondary school and for DS to have a good life beyond the early years. Some people are fortunate enough to be able to offer that on one income and that's great for them.
Even if we could I would have still worked, I love my job, I love that I contribute financially to the household and my son sees that both men and women can work, both men and women can be responsible for cooking and cleaning and all the other childcare/household jobs.

Lucky you that you had a FT job with some flexibility. Some do not offer time off in term time (eg teaching) and many offer zero flexibility to WFH or work flexi hours. Many also don’t have partners in jobs like that either. So many will vote with their feet and leave the workforce, as it’s asking too much of them and taking too much from their children. Great yours enabled you to- I’m not jealous of other people, happy for you and your family!

Amazingly then that my DC’s learned loads from being at nursery and not just basic skills. As twins they wouldn’t get 1:1 even if I’d stayed at home. The nursery baby room was 1:2.

Actually there is significant evidence that children who attend nursey are better prepared for formal schooling. They also learn from their peers.

You're assuming that all SAHP are attentive and engaged. That's not always the case. Try looking outside your bubble.

That’s great, but you clearly have the money to pay for the best.

Many are failing inspections, being closed. I know one locally that’s been shut, absolutely damning OFSTED. Have you seen the recent news stories about toddlers being severely scalded by boiling water, murdered even? Not a risk I’d ever entertain taking with children who cannot speak and raise the alarm. Absolutely no way.

I do agree that not all SAHMs are engaged, I know some like that. I think some struggle with isolation and wider relational issues, the experience can certainly vary. Being totally honest, on my own school run my friends are actually all working mums, and they are indeed very engaged (largely due to working PT or having flexible jobs. Most have made some adjustments to prioritise their children and be able to attend events. That’s great!). I even know some SAHMs who completely forgot when events are and some working mums who have moved heaven and earth to be there, so yeah of course it does all vary massively.

I think relying on a man financially, without any of your own access to funds is at best too trusting, and at worst - idiocy.

I left my ex husband 6 years ago, moved out of our marital home and left him in it, whilst we made relative arrangements.

Had I not had my own career, (better) salary and access to my own money, I’d have been stuck. It is not a position I would ever put myself in.

My mum stayed with an abusive man (my father) because she worked 20hrs a week at minimum wage and he was the main source of reliable income, when they finally divorced - we were destitute. She taught all of us, particularly her 2 daughters, to do better and plan more sensibly.

The man being the “financial controller” of his family and being “second to God” is absolutely silly behaviour, IMO, and could mean backing yourself into a difficult, or dangerous, corner.

Some research shows cognitive benefits for over 2s, especially if they are from a disadvantaged background. It’s largely irrelevant for those who aren’t. Plenty of research shows increased signs of emotional insecurity, eg signs of shutting down and withdrawing, not registering and expressing different emotions, increased aggression. Unfortunately we value the cognitive over the emotional too much when considering the early years, and it is a mistaken way to look at things. I care more about my children’s emotional well-being. Too important to risk.

Plenty of SAHMs own property in their own names, have their own savings/family money, joint life insurance policies and wills. Marriage offers far more financial protection. Marriage tax benefit is great. Plenty of husbands still pay into separate savings accounts and/or pensions. Plenty of husbands are fantastic and have no intention of leaving the mother of their children penniless. Plenty of husbands save for their children. It’s all very negative!

You’ve clearly done the research, which is great..

Is there a similar link between children who receive 1:1 attention from their parents during the early years, and attachment concerns or lack of independence?

Plenty of husbands change their minds.

Plenty of husbands would quite enjoy the power that comes with being “head of the household” and “second only to God.”

Plenty of husbands value equality and don’t actually want the control of their family.

Being a SAHM doesn’t make you a better parent or ensure a better outcome for your DC’s.

Lots of children have both: an enriching nursery/school setting with ranges of play and learning not readily replicated in the home AND parents who devote time and attention mornings/evenings/weekends. Being a SAHM might have made you your best self, but it is not superior to other ways. You still seem unable to admit that there are many ways of raising children, and that they are all good. Why do you need to validate yourself by denigrating others?

How does that fit into your “let’s go back to the 1950’s” ideal though? Where women couldn’t have jobs or own property?

marriage offers financial protection until the marriage ends, then you’re on your own. We see again and again on here women who happily ditched work to find themselves totally stuffed 10 years later when the marriage breaks down.

plenty of husbands are “lovely blokes who would never do that” until it get into the throes of divorce or paying child maintenance.

fwiw marriage offers no financial protection for me. I own my own house before we got married. Should we divorce I would lose it. It offers dh great financial protection though.

To return to an earlier question I don’t think you answered, do you have daughters?

if so are you raising them to be good wives and mothers and discouraging them from education?

if you have sons are you giving them opportunities you aren’t offering your daughters? Because they will be future earners? Education, university, helping them make their own way in the world rather than hanging around waiting for a proposal.

so far all you’ve talked about is your point of view and how being a sahm makes you so wonderful. Have you ever thought how it may impact your children being raised in such a trad household? What if your girls don’t want that future for themselves?

I listened to a radio talk show a while back where a woman phoned in because since her divorce she couldn’t understand why her son seemed to treat her with contempt. Turns out they’d had a “Trad marriage” and the son basically saw her as little more than a housekeeper, cook and clean living off his dad’s hard work. Said things like “you should be in the kitchen cooking me dinner”.

Full time after babies 1 & 2 but my husband was a stay at home parent. 90% over 4 days after babies 3&4 - husband working 3 days a week at this point. I now do compressed hours so 4 days but same workload expected of me which sometimes involves weekends and late nights. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to full time now though - looking forward to youngest starting school so I can have Friday mornings to myself!

No idea, would be interested if you have one?

I can only speak for myself, but everyone comments on how sociable and independent my children are. I’ve personally taught them loads of self help skills, eg tidying up toys and putting clothes in the laundry hamper from 18 months. They independently water the garden, etc. I’ve had the time to teach, praise and insist on such skills.

I intentionally model confidence in social interactions to my children, I deliberately do it. So I have taught mine daily how to strike up conversations with neighbours, supermarket cashiers, friends, baby/toddler group leaders, other children. My children knew from a young age how to answer someone in a cafe of restaurant. Mine aged 2 confidently ask ‘Hello, how are you? How was your day? Would you like to play with me?’ Etc. I have very intentionally taught them all of the speech, phrases and questions they would need to thrive at Nursery, eg ‘please can you help me?’ ‘Stop, I don’t like that’ ‘Would you like a turn?’

There is a great deal you can do at home to promote independence, speech, manners and sociability. I certainly didn’t need a paid money of staff to do what is common sense to me. There are also many varied opportunities to interact with children and adults of a wide range of ages (as anyone who home educates past school age akso knows).