Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

She might regret that one. I would have told her she was being a brat and had it out with her as she probably wanted to scream and shout and cry!

This is such an unkind comment. She’s 21. She is lonely experiencing anxiety about her future. It’s not about resilience.

I'm sorry this didn't go to plan, it sounds like the job meant a lot to her. But at the same time she needs to understand that having a degree does not guarantee a job. I'm graduating next year, and I'm under no illusion that I will bag a job right away, simply because of the job market and how hard it actually is for a fresh post grad due to competition.
She needs to know that one job rejection does not mean she is a failure, far from it, it's one job, apply for lots more, as that's how it goes.
I'm really looking forward to graduation next year, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for a lot of people, and a dream to others. I think she will regret how she acted. All of this knowledge will come with experience tho.

To be fair the consequences of that is there will be no nice graduation photo hung in the hallway, and she won’t have nice memories from the day of celebrating, so really that’s on her, I imagine she will regret it at some point.

try not to dwell 😄

@DrudgeyPants I would feel exactly like you - life is full of disappointments and how you handle them is one of life’s skills. My H deals in his freelance role with a lot of young grads , mainly women, and the lack of resilience or ability to take direction of even the mild kind and the amount of time they have off with stress/ mental health issues is off the scale. I appreciate she was disappointed but that is life- real life!’

@ISpyNoPlumPie - no need to be so nasty. Yes, it was disappointing - and yes, I think I know only too well what a bereavement is, thank you.

At my first graduation, I was seriously ill (but didn't know it at the time). I was blown up like a balloon with bloating and swelling, in a lot of pain and barely able to sit through the ceremony, sweating like a pig in all the photos, could barely eat anything, snapping and being horrible to everyone and just generally feeling and being terrible. My mum still jokes that she thinks the only reason I went on to two more degrees was so that I could have more fun and better photos at future graduations after I'd recovered from my illness.

Graduations are really bittersweet, they do bring out a whirlwind of emotions even if you're feeling 100%, which your daughter wasn't. She will probably regret how she behaved, and you never know, might decide to go on and do another degree to make up for it... 😉

Right. I've told this story on here before, probably under a different name....but...to put this in perspective...
We travelled three hours to DS graduation, over night stay in hotel, dressed in our finery. At the hotel breakfast DS turned up - he had failed. He had known he had failed for ages. There was no graduation. Honestly the shock was terrible. I still, nine years later can't believe how he let that lie (TBF) get SO out of hand.
He did graduate at Christmas. I pretty much couldn't breath until I physically saw him with my own eyes walking across the stage.
Sorry you're daughter behaved so ridiculously. She still has some way to go to catch up with my DS!

When the dust has well and truly settled (quite a while from now!) I think I would sit her down and have a conversation about the day. Don't mention anything about how disappointed you and DH were, don't mention anything about any effort either of you went to or anything like that but instead I would say that by her actions she has made her own memories of her graduation pretty dire. That she probably doesn't have any happy memories of that day to look back on. She would have been miserable because of the job rejection but if she had 'faked it til she made it' she would have a nice photo of her getting the top academic prize (if anyone did take one of her on the day she will no doubt hide it away if her expression really was that bad), seeing her friends graduate, getting photos with her friends, eating a special meal with her parents (even if she didn't enjoy it at the time she might have looked back on it fondly) but now all she will remember (probably with a very heft dose of shame) is how badly she behaved. I would tell her that you aren't mentioning any of this to make her feel bad, or to go on about it but that you don't want her to do it again if anything like that should happen. Don't rain on a special days parade as you don't get a chance to redo them :(

Silly girl. She will probably regret it later on. Sounds like she needs to grow up!

I would feel like you. Disrespectful is a good way to describe it.
I suspect she’ll have been heavily financially supported by you at uni.
You’ve spent time and money to go to graduation, tickets, travel, hotel, booked a meal you had to cancel, paid for gown hire and photos, used annual leave.
If she can’t see the day is to celebrate all her academic achievements with people who supported her then she shouldn’t have gone at all. Going with a face like thunder is ridiculous.
I’d be so disappointed in her.
What’s done is done. With hindsight you probably should have left her to it when she marched off to return gown and gone for meal and gone home together leaving her to it.
Yes it’s a difficult time trying to get a job but no need to shit on the people who love you.
I wouldn’t hide how much it has upset you.

I expect it has been mentioned but she can still get a photo of herself in a cap and gown at a later date.

I didn’t attend my graduation and my parents weren’t bothered but they wanted a photo. I went to a photographic studio in my area, borrowed a cap and gown they provided (not the correct one but didn’t matter) and my parents have displayed the photo for forty years along with the ones of my siblings!

We have this happen at almost every ceremony at my previous work. To the point there was a designated radio code word to request a manager come and explain to the family what's going on.

They’re not in the least bit boring in your opinion. I found both my graduations very dull, and that’s fine as we all experience things differently.

Op got to go to the graduation and see her DD graduate, she just didn’t get a photo and a meal.

DD should not be in charge of what the whole family get to do but equally, making it all about op’s feelings was a bit main character syndrome.

If your daughter is old enough to be graduating, she's far too old to be behaving at about the level I'd expect from a 15 year old.

Would you have preferred her to pretend to be happy for your sake? I don’t think that would make me feel better tbh.

And as for the photos… we had family photos done once. On the day, my mother and I had a massive argument about what I would wear. Thirty years later, the family photos are still up on the wall, but the only thing they’ve ever made me think of is how awful the day was.

did you get no photos at all?
that is very upsetting if so

God she sounds like a total brat. Does she normally behave like this?

We attended my son's graduation a few years ago and one of the students had died a few months before in a horrific car accident. The parents came up to receive the certificate. They were grey with sorrow.

Your daughter needs to grow up and not behave as though its all about her. Blimey - you came, there was dinner afterwards and she behaved like that. Shame on her. Sorry - but I am angry on your behalf for spoiling it for everyone.

Quite honestly I would be pulling her up on this behaviour.

Ahh that's a shame.

Our DD was the first in our family to go to Uni and get a Degree. Neither me nor DH got the opportunity.
For her graduation we paid for expensive train tickets to London and splashed out on a hotel.
DD was reluctant to wear the gown and mortar board for the ceremony, but did it for us. As soon as he'd had her 15 seconds on the stage she got out of the gear and handed it all in!
Shame as so many Grads wore theirs afterwards and it was lovely to see them floating around smiling.
She refused official photographs too, but looking back I don't mind. We took lots of casual photos of her with her Uni friends and with us. Then we went for Chinese.
All quite low-key, but we were very proud to be there.
Later I saw she had dedicated her Dissertation to us, with thanks for our support and belief in her, and my heart was full. I cried.
That meant more than the ceremony to me.
I hope your DD will come round and thank you for being there. Maybe when a job offer comes in she will realise what an achievement it was and that you helped to make it happen.

Have to say I agree with this.

It doesn't sound like she actually kicked off. She just decided it would be low key, as she didn't feel like photos and meal. You attended to see her graduate and did..

If I had a jub rejection on graduation day, I would have felt similar. Who wants to be photographed after that? The whole palaver would have felt pointless.

I recruit recent graduates (legal) and one thing I always look for is have they had a real paid customer facing job. So many yp have degrees and masters and not a jot of paid work. I can’t have someone in office with face like thunder, stropping around. If they have decent stint of retail/food service under belt I know they can turn up, deal with public and behave in a work appropriate manner.

I would. I feel that would have been the considerate, grown up thing to do. Put a brave face on things and not spoil the day for her parents, who had gone to a lot of trouble to be there and were looking forward to a celebration. To behave the way the OP describes because of a job rejection is so brattish that I wonder if there's actually something else going on.

Maybe she doesn't see it as that big of a deal given kids these days have a 'graduation' for every transition they do in education so by the time it comes to something big then it has lost its sparkle.

Young people make mistakes. Later they look back and know they were mistakes, but no-one can change what they do at the time.