Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

This.

"But the photos….” we said weakly.

How wet.

It's your daughter FFS. Why did you not say "put your face straight, it's a big day and your Dad and I have spent a lot of time and money coming to celebrate with you so get a grip and stop making everyone's day miserable".

Has she always behaved like this when she doesn’t get her own way? She sounds like a spoilt brat and she isn’t going to do well in the work face. Can you imagine behaving like this if you get a reprimand from your manager?

Did you and your husband ever think about discussing her behaviour at any time during her teenage years?

That is a real shame and there’s nothing that will improve it now. I just hope you can find some good moments this year when you see your dd maturing, because that certainly wasn’t one of them.

Agree. Especially if @DrudgeyPants has been supporting her. I’d have to have a conversation that in some cases the graduation is partly for the parents and not only about the graduate, who needs to see the bigger picture.

That's really sad. But much more for her than for you! Poor girl. She'll probably be really cross with herself later for having not managed to enjoy her graduation day after the job rejection. Be nice to her and don't make it about you and your day.

Maybe. Think I might have got a bit too upset on the OP's behalf as it really should have been a lovely day but was ruined by her daughter being a drama queen!

A Graduation ceremony is a lot less important than a job, so i can understand her feeling. The job rejection basically devalues the graduation ceremony and highlights how unimportant it is.
But then i come from a country that doesn’t do graduation ceremonies- you get a mail with your marks, and collect your certificate from the office, the end.

It doesn't sound like she actually kicked off. She just decided it would be low key, as she didn't feel like photos and meal. You attended to see her graduate and did.

I also don't think it immature that she felt strongly about being rejected for a job. The degree is all very well and good and she's obviously worked hard for it, but ultimately, she expected it to open doors to a career and has suffered a setback.

She's likely feeling under pressure to move to the next stage now she's finished university and could have done with a bit more support.

Presumably this was a job she really wanted? It’s natural to be upset and in a bad mood.

my first graduation was a disaster. I was graduating at 4pm, with a ceremony that ended at 5:55pm. We then had to be back to return the robes at 6pm, and they made it very clear that even a minute late meant that we would be charged a £75 late return fee.

it was pissing with rain, freezing cold, and I just wanted to go home. My second was better, but boiling hot.

my brother saw what happened at mine and didn’t bother to go to his!

I feel she will regret this more in future than you. It’s nearly 30 years since my graduation but I still have my photo because I’m proud of it.

Does she generally lack resilience? This is something that needs working on. She’s going to get plenty of job rejections and all sorts of other things will knock her throughout her life. Being able to experience disappointment but still carry on and not take it out on others is a skill.

That would have really upset me too.
My son doesn’t like having his photo taken and got a bit stroppy on his graduation day a few years back but he knew it was important to me and he reluctantly tolerated my, ‘Just one more’!
I appreciate your daughter was disappointed about the job but it wasn’t ok to ruin the experience when you’d all made an effort.
I hope she’s apologised

Leave her alone.
She's got a lot on her plate. Rejection, what to do now to continue etc.
Why is this crap so important, anyway? Photos, dresses - I threw away my graduation photographs with other stuff and never regretted it, still made a good life for myself.
Your daughter's academic grades are important here, and what she wants to do next. 🙄

I mean, or you could say it was ruined by the job rejection.

People seem a bit oblivious to how truly scary things are for young people entering adulthood and working life at the moment. It is very different from how things were for many of us.

Placing responsibility for their parents’ emotions and a huge ‘special day’ vibe onto their shoulders on top of all that, without making allowances for something like a big disappointment on the morning of, feels unfair.

Agree. It's a really difficult time. My DD graduated last year and DS this year and for us/them I feel it's by far the most difficult transition yet (with the exception of their birth!!). Lots of my friends at a similar agree. The graduate job market is absolutely awful at the moment, it's really stressful for them. And my kids are in a fairly good position in various ways, so I really feel for others who eg don't have good family support. Not saying anyone here doesn't!!

for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

You’re being dramatic - her graduation is all about her, not you. Some graduates don’t even attend their graduation, let alone take photos or go for meals out. It just like you wanted to do the token things to keep up appearances? Whereas if she was my child I’d emphasise with her feeling down - if she’s in a bad mood then I wouldn’t expect her to plaster a smile on to take photos and I would be happy to do dinner another day. Ultimately she isn’t going to want a reminder of being on the brink of tears in her graduation photos just cause her mum wanted her to snap pics there and then. I would be proud of how exemplary her work was and leave it there.

You didn’t need to book today off work, were you expecting a hangover or something?

Tell her to not allow a job rejection take front and centre and potentially tar her graduation. She needs to create memories so the positive is front and centre

I would add welcome to adulthood. She , like us all , will receive many rejections. It’s ok to feel sad but to not let it be the be all and end all. The way we handle them is what shapes us

(sorry I’m tired but I hope my post makes sense !)

Dd is very emotional and the thing fizzling out seemed better than a big scene.

Of course the job rejection is tough but, as pps have said, she’s going to get a lot of ‘em.

It really was the lack of putting on a brave face and treating dh and me like crap that hurt.

Graduations are boring IME, I even thought mine was boring! My mum fell out with my boyfriend and I couldn't wait for her to leave and all the waiting and standing around to be over.

You dd might be really struggling with the fact that she's graduated and still hasn't managed to get a job. She might be watching all her friends get jobs, have been really pinning her hopes on this one and been sure she was going to get it. It might have been her dream job. She might have applied to a lot of jobs, been dragged through several stages of interviews just to be told no - it's really hard and very depressing IMO and you start to wonder if you'll ever get anything.

I'd give her a break on this and really help her as much as you can with her CV, job applications and prepping for interviews. Getting a job as a graduate right now is extremely hard and pretty depressing for a lot of people. Give her lots of reassurance that she will get there.

Just telling her she's going to get a lot of job rejections and that she needs to suck it up isn't going to help.

I've graduated 4 times, they are very dull! The meals/celebrations after are the nice bit not sitting in a cathedral or auditorium while several hundred names are read out

Er, no, we haven't ever laughed about it, well not yet anyway! We didn't hold dd to account either, which would have just led to bitterness and resentment, we swept it under the carpet, if I am honest and I would advise the OP to do the same thing. There isn't much point in recriminations in my opinion. I am sure both my dd and the OP's dd regret, or will regret, the way the day panned out.

Sorry, I realise now I was responding to the OP, no need to refer to you in the third person!

I do feel for you OP, it’s a shame, but this isn’t a great way to look at it. It’s not really about you or ‘respect’.

But I don’t mean that harshly. It’s just, taking that angle is unlikely to help you move past it and reconnect with what’s up with your DD.

Your daughter will have many more rejections and upsets in life so she needs to develop a thicker skin and grow up.
She hasn't shown any maturity despite, I presume, being an adult. Surprised you or your husband didn't address her rudeness and perhaps that is part of the problem. Have either of you spoken to her about her behaviour since?

I think it takes a lot more maturity than most have at that age to realise that graduation is partly for the parents as well. Sounds like this job was a something that meant a lot to her and she was unable to enjoy herself after, it wasn’t about making you into a “mug” and I’m not sure why you see it that way.

Having said that she is way past old enough for you to say “I get that you’re miserable but we’re both really proud of your degree so let’s try to forget the job until tomorrow and make the most of today.”

So there are no photos of her?

She's cut off her own nose to spite her face, let her stew the miserable brat.

I’d imagine that it was a lot of conflicting emotions at once. Sadness at leaving uni, pride at graduating, the job rejection stung (did she think she’d done well?), anxiety around her future, all at once. Just brush it under the carpet. The day wasn’t about you. It was about her, and it must have been really shit for her to experience that on her graduation day.