Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

I'm so sorry, i think your daughter behaved very badly. I would have gone out for the meal without her, you still can do that, a nice meal with your dh. She got her award. She ruined her own day. you and dh have a nice meal and celebrate the fact you didn't lose your cool.

Interesting. I don’t think I could delude myself like that.

Gosh what a brat. She might be intelligent but it is clear that she has learned very little about resilience and handling life as an adult (although I bet she expects to be treated like one).
She will have MANY disappointments in life and she cannot take it out on everyone around her every time. The rejecting company have probably dodged a bullet - imagine if she acted like that every time something didn't go her way at work?
Pay her zero attention. Plan something nice for your day off.

So sorry OP what a dreadful disappointment.
Your DD needs to work on building her resilience and coping with rejection.
We all have to cope with rejection in life and this was really bad timing but the reaction was not equitable to the situation.
This could be one of many job rejections, I would suggest sitting down with your DD and communicating how you feel as your feelings are valid in all of this.

But the day isn’t about her parents!!! It was about her. She had it lowkey. OP wanted it to be over the top.

I’d be very annoyed. I would have made that clear, did you??

She didn’t learn it was meaningless. How overdramatic can you be? She didn’t get one job. The ‘piece of paper’ will allow her to apply for more. Without it she’d be in a very different position, job wise.

Hopefully she will grow up soon, OP. She's going to be in for a lot more disappointments in life, especially if she has a face on her like that when she does get a job!

Of course it's a special day for parents and she was being nasty to you both in order to feel better herself. That's not fair. I'm sure her education has involved a lot of work and money from you and your husband - it's not fair that she ruined your day.

I really don’t want to upset you further but what an entitled, spoiled brat. She must have thought the job was in the bag! They were right to reject her.

She will grow up in time and one day will look back at her behaviour with embarrassment and deep remorse.

They do that at a professional admissions ceremony. They get the people to turn to face the audience and thank your family and friends for supporting you over the years. The new entrants clap, it’s a really lovely part of ceremony.

I think you need to have a calm conversation with her about her behaviour. Everyone suffers upsets and disappointments, but when a person can't regulate their emotions well enough that they let their mood impact others to the point that a whole day is spoilt, they need to do some serious work on themselves.

This is for her own benefit in the long term otherwise she will become one of those people who other tread on egg shells around lest her mood ruins things and then she'll lose the opportunity to have authentic relationships with people, because people will hold back from her in case they 'trigger' her or 'make things worse' (something you and your dh both did on the day).

We all know people who have form of doing this, your dd is still young though, she can learn the skills required to better regulate herself so that she can manage negative feelings better in the future.

PS some totally stupid uncalled for comments here.

Graduation is a celebration of achievement. What makes it a big deal is one's parents investing in new clothes and a hotel and a meal out.

Personally, offer her the chance to go out for a meal now, if she wants and can be civil at the very least and also suggest if she hires the gown again, you could take her photo. Her call.

Does it make you feel less down to have strangers call your daughter all kinds of names?

She doesn't have to have her photo taken if she doesn't want to.
I didn't have any of my graduation. I didn't want to wear a gown either so I put it on for the ceremony and took it off the minute it was over. Can't stand dressing up and photos at the best of times.
It was nice after the ceremony with my friends and lecturers at the departmental reception and my dad got to meet people he'd heard about over the last three years.

I think she should have pulled herself together a bit and at least tried to enjoy the day but I'm totally with her on not wanting photos taken!

I never behaved like that at that age.

So glad that wasn’t the case for me, I would have struggled not to laugh out loud. I can only think of a couple of graduates parents that did anything to support them at university to be fair.

I would look at it from your daughter's perspective. She's worked hard for 3/4 years and is now graduating. The economy is in terrible shape, the job market is absolutely dire and she has probably been bombarded with doom and gloom in that regard from all sides. Presumably she has been trying to get a job since the start of her final year and has so far been unsuccessful. Then the morning of her graduation comes, a day when she is supposed to be celebrating both her achievements and her improved prospects and what does she get? A rejection.

I can understand why she wasn't able to put on a brave face. I was in a similar situation when I graduated, though I did get a job two months later. The whole "ra ra ra look at how amazing you all are" almost felt like I was being mocked and so I wasn't in the greatest mood either at my graduation. Looking back on it I think I did the best I possibly could in the situation and I have no regrets.

I would have been upset. My son graduated a couple of years ago and we also got a hotel the night before. The graduation was early morning and the entire day was a celebration. He didn't spend all day with us because he was with friends, and everyone was in a very upbeat mood. We had a meal together in the evening.
If he'd behaved like your daughter I would have had to say something. Of course she's upset about the job, but most graduate job applications end up in rejection, it just takes the one that doesn't to move them forwards. They have to be resilient, and also by the age of at least 21 your daughter should be able to understand how her actions might affect other people. There's not much point escalating it now since it's over, but I can understand how you feel.

Dd is very emotional and the thing fizzling out seemed better than a big scene.

She may have lots of glittering academic prizes but she is falling far behind in the emotional intelligence stakes - and this will eclipse any career. Maybe this was picked up in the recruitment process? Either than or a level of arrogance/entitlement and lack of respect that she has displayed here. Assessments are very sophisticated and everyone in the short list will have the required 'hard' skills (academics etc) - so they are really only testing 'soft' skills - how you interact with others, deal with uncertainty etc.

Emotional resilience is critical in the workplace. My DD applied for over 100 grad schemes in her year out after uni last year - each involved many difference assessment stages (on average 4) which she 'failed' at different stages. She did finally after 9 long months of grinding applications, 300+ assessments, 99+ rejections, secure a great job which she loves. However last week one of her cohort was asked to leave the grad scheme half way through as she didnt 'pass the (extended) probabtion period'. My DD clocked her 'attitude' from day one.

Being 'very emotional' is emtionally immature and this dysregulation/dyfunction will cost her a lot if it hasnt already. I note that she didnt connect with her friends/peers at the graduation - this indicates that she has an awful lot to learn.

Er, is that right? Dd did not want it low key. It deteriorated at the point of the job rejection. I was not making it a “big thing” as if all I care about a new dress and a dinner. I’m a seasoned graduation attendee and actually always enjoy them.

Oh gosh. He must have felt awful! Glad he got there in the end.

If it makes you feel any better, one child refused to attend graduation because they were disappointed they didn’t get a first, another refused to attend because they’d just broken up with their girlfriend and didn’t want to see her. Third child did the full works, which was lovely. And the first child ended up doing a second degree so we attended that graduation, but they refused to pay for photos. They were working by that stage so we certainly weren’t going to pay for them. And the photos we have of number 3’s graduation have never been on display anywhere other than the grandparents house! 😄

Of course they are the focus. It’s their achievement in the end. However it’s good to recognise those who supported them, and in a family celebrating the achievements of members is a team event usually.

It’s pretty clear that the rejection led to her feeling deflated. You need to get over yourself.

OP describes her daughter on the stage getting her degree and a major prize and looking as if she was being presented with a dog poo bag. That's way beyond keeping things low key. I've been to a few graduations, two for my children and a couple of others when I worked at a university, and the overwhelming memory is of happy faces both on the stage and in the audience, and milling around afterwards. Amongst those people there will undoubtedly be people who were having a hard time in various ways, but for that one occasion everybody managed to look happy and celebrate the achievements of the graduates and also take a moment to say thanks to the families for their support. It's not a lot to ask.