Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

She's too old to behave like that. I would be sad and cross as well OP and I'd be tempted to ask her to pay for all the expenses you have incurred ... hotel, clothes, food, petrol, gown hire, tickets etc. Every bloody thing.

I presume you've also financially supported her to some extent through uni.

It's not on .... she's not bloody 15.

When your parents have taken the time and expense to stay overnight to help you celebrate, then yes, it is disrespectful.

My niece graduated university whilst also searching for a job, she dealt with her disappointments with grace and charm.

She worked hard, got an academic prize, everyone’s telling her she’s brilliant, and then she fails to walk into a job she assumed was hers. So she sulks. One day, she may learn that a degree is a qualification, not a free pass into any job she fancies.

Totally understand you're gutted. It was something you were looking forward to and the experience of being a proud parent.

Before long, I'm sure she will regret what she did. Her friends from uni will be sharing photos, there won't be a photo of her in the family home, she won't have photos to show a new partner who at some point will ask to see them. She won't be looking back on yesterday with lots of positive memories. Did she speak to any others, say her last goodbyes to those she won't see again?

My mum still displays my graduation photo, 30 years later. She was so proud, particularly when my db dropped out and never went back. I think it’s quite an emotional day when parents can rightly feel proud and the OP’s dd was a sulky madam. It’s a shame she spoiled it and she needs to learn some resilience. A pity she was rejected from the job, but it’s early days and quite likely, she’ll have more before finding ‘the one’.

I suppose its her day, but still!

But it’s her graduation not yours .

Of course they are boring!

That’s very sad then. But the good thing here is she should find it easier than a lot to get a job.
This is not your fault, she should be ashamed of herself. Hold your head high and let her get on with it.

What have you done/taught her when she has behaved this way in the past?
Has she faced rejection before, or always been shielded from it?
Is she normally a high achiever, so rejection is new to her?
Does she have anything else going on in her life - or could there be something that you don't know about?

Ok.
My point was OP can still enjoy her day off, just as she could have had a delicious dinner yesterday.

It’s a shame she decided to behave so badly. Of course a job rejection is disappointing, but her reaction on a day her parents made a great effort for was a gross overreaction. I’m not surprised you were upset. Going to uni is a costly undertaking nowadays and although I don’t know your personal situation, most parents do end up paying out a substantial amount of money for their children to enjoy the privilege. The graduation ceremony is not just for the graduates, but their parents also. A time to celebrate your child’s achievements.

I imagine she will regret her behaviour, but it’s too late after the fact. I do hope she eventually apologises to you. She behaved like an absolute brat.

I could say it was ruined by the daughter's reaction to the job rejection. My children are the same age so I do appreciate how tough it is out there.

She had a job rejection……..tough! That won’t be the only shit she has to deal with in life.
Time to tell her that she is behaving like a complete spoilt brat and she will have to take the rough with the smooth.

I guess it comes down to perspective - you’ve got it, after decades of adult life, and she’s still yet to develop some. You know there’ll be many interviews, many rejections, many successes, but only one graduation ceremony (probably), whereas she’s 0/1 on her job situation, probably knackered after Finals and is hyper sensitive to her friends’ job offers. Blowing off the whole thing puts her back in control, albeit in a Pyrrhic way. I bet she’s already regretting it.

It’s sad that she couldn’t see past her disappointment to recognise yours, though. I didn’t truly appreciate what my graduation ceremony meant to my parents, in terms of how their hard work had laid the foundations of my life, until I was much older. When my DM said, with tears in her eyes, ‘I wish your granda could be here now to see this,’ I just thought she was sad because he’d died some years earlier.

Watching the person you are there to see isn't boring, but that tends to be a small part of it, so I agree that overall they are pretty dull. My first (degree) and second (PhD) graduations were also alongside a course with hundreds of people on it, and so had to sit through that! Of course each individual person meant something to them and their family, but I didn't even recognise half of them, let alone know them.

Do you truly appreciate it though?

I was told 6 weeks ago that the job I’d planned on moving into when I finished my training contract wasn’t available anymore. I was told to just “keep my options open” and look around.

im 26, and I was shit scared. As in, crying, couldn’t eat for three days because I was sure I was about to become unemployed. The job market is horrendous. It’s probably less about the rejection and more the absolute uncertainty that there is out there for the younger generations.

I'd tell her that it seems all that money spent on fees and higher education was a bit of a waste if she's going to go into meltdown over a single job rejection

Actually I enjoyed the ceremony very much - and I have been to a few!

I felt quite teary because all the youngsters - with the exception of one - looked very joyful. And no, dd did not convene with her compatriots. That was silly, really.

I didn’t find any of the ones I’ve been to boring. That aside, the photo thing isn’t about whether you ‘miss much’ standing about waiting for one to be taken. It’s that they are a lovely memento of the achievement. I bet the young woman will wish she had got some in the future.

Mine would have got a proper bollocking over that.
I understand the disappointment but there was no need for her to be rude and spoil everything - is she usually more reslilient?
My father ruined my graduation day and that was over 30 years ago and it still upsets me to think about it

Why? What do you find boring about celebrating achievement? Isn’t it interactive enough for you?

Surely you got some of your own snaps with her in her gown though OP?

YABU. It wasn't nice for her to be in a bad mood, and she should work on regulating her emotions, but I can fully understand her disappointment. The job rejection probably made her feel that her degree was all for nothing anyway, so have to stand around grinning in her robes probably felt like insult to injury. I'm not saying her degree was all for nothing, of course, but it certainly can feel like that to recent graduates when they are struggling to get a job. I would cut her some slack.

What awful timing. Your daughter sounds like a high achiever and perhaps is not used to being rejected. Coupled with being around her classmates who may have got jobs etc. I do feel a bit sorry for her. It is hard at that age to put a brave face on it.