Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

I totally agree.

I received a job rejection just before my grad ball. I still went but I still remember it, and a graduation ceremony where I needed to pose and look happy, and possibly have people asking about future plans, talking about jobs etc. I wouldn’t have been in the mood. And I would have thought it was unfair if, on top of that, I also had my parents cross at me for ruining the day for them.

I don’t understand why your view wouldn’t be more sympathetic that your DD was so upset she couldn’t enjoy what could otherwise have been a really special day.

She'd got a single job rejection and massively overreacted and so spoiled the day all round.

Does dd usually get her own way, is she a bit spoilt/bratty by nature? She’s just graduated, surely she knows that every time you apply for a job that there’s a chance you’re going to be rejected? To take that out on everyone around you is incredibly childish and I’m sorry she ruined the day for herself and you. She definitely needs to look at herself as going into this world unable to cope with rejection is not going to serve her well. She’s going to ruin many friendships/relationships if she turns thunderous every time things don’t go her way.

Hopefully this will make you laugh.
My DS graduated in 2020 so no event. The following year the University put on a double event for 2020/2021
Our son is known for his thrift so refused to pay for gown hire. I don't even have a photo! He's still a tight fisted Wozerk.

That's a bit different, though. Ruining someone else's day isn't quite the same as ruining one's own. It does sound a bit as though the OP and her husband made the daughter's graduation about themselves. I'm not saying the daughter's behaviour is fully excusable, but it is understandable. It can't be compared to her throwing a strop at an event intended to honour someone else.

Of course it is. It’s a day for families to celebrate the achievement together - and acknowledge any support they’ve given. Otherwise they wouldn’t have families there.

Considering the crap that students went through in 2020, the university should have waived all gown hires and fees associated with graduation.

A diploma in itself is a meaningless piece of paper - its only worth in terms of what enables you to do afterwards!
Your daughter learned that lesson on graduation day, which isn’t great, its s hard lesson to learn on any day.
But being asked to be overjoyed about said meaningless piece of paper directly after having learned that it is meaningless is a big ask!

Sounds awful - hopefully there should be a photo taken when she was handed her certificate? I’d be disappointed and use it as a reminder to not put your life or finances on hold for her - don’t let her mood or job status spoil your enjoyment of life.

It is a family event, or can be, but it is primarily about the person graduating. It isn't really to honour the family.

I’m so sorry, OP, what a let-down. I’d have been pretty cross with dd.

Having attended a few, I’m afraid I do think they’re pretty boring. Most people are really only interested in seeing their own dc go up, shake hands, and get their rolled up ‘certificate’. All those speeches…..

Thats why I felt so sorry for the Japanese mother of a fellow MA student of dd. His folks had come from Japan specially. We’d had him to stay for a couple of weeks previously, while he was job hunting. And after the ceremony the mother said, ‘Thank you very much for having my son to stay.’

I started a suitable reply - only to realise that she had virtually no English - she had learnt her little speech parrot-fashion! Imagine sitting through it all when you can’t even understand what they’re saying!

And at my daughter’s. I’m pretty sure it happened at my own in the 80s too, so not a new thing.

Oh that must have been so disappointing. My dd graduates next year and I'm already looking forward to celebrating her achievement and hard work and the end of the expense for us! (presuming she passes which she hopefully will). I'd have been upset too but I suppose I'd reframe it in my mind as it being her graduation she's ruined but it doesn't take away from the fact she has succeeded in passing her course.

Maybe when things are a bit better and she's in a better mood you could book a nice dinner close to home to celebrate, if you're feeling like she even deserves it?

When she's in a better mood I think I'd also have a chat with her about dealing with rejection. Has she asked or been provided with feedback on her interview/application?

Is it a single job rejection? This time of year, and it sounds like she’s pretty academic, so if she’s been applying for grad schemes she’ll almost certainly have heard back from more than one. And if she’s not got a job, I’d assume she’s had more than one rejection.

Really?
You sound joy, similar to what my parents once were.
That's why I see them once in 6 years, after making all the excuses, for the purpose of inheritance.
😂

I certainly hope I didn’t make the day all about me! But, as pp remarked, the parents are a big part of it. Ds has had three graduations and each time there’s been a big focus on who has been the support team.

It’s not just the “single job rejection” though.

it’s all the other emotions that come along with it. Leaving uni, being proud but feeling doubt in yourself because of the rejection, anxiety around the future, and likely a lot of pressure to give her parents the “perfect” day!

How on earth does a rejection from one job undervalue a degree? Comp,etc nonsense.

I think you’re being really unkind to your daughter @DrudgeyPants. Of course she’s going to experience a lot of rejection in life. It doesn’t mean it’s not upsetting. We will also all experience loss and death, so get over it! In fact, what you’re experiencing right now is disappointment. Oh what a fucking shame. Life is one big disappointment (if we all took your view of it) so what are you complaining about? Build yourself up. Have some resilience you drama queen. Do you often make things that aren’t about you all about you?

If that were my daughter, I would have said that’s some shitty news, do you want to change plans? We don’t have to do any of this. We can sit on the sofa and eat chocolate and commiserate. Graduations are boring and totally meaningless. The thing is done.

Gently, it’s not about you.

At both my graduations it was a passing comment. A round of applause for the support system, and that’s that. The day is about the graduates.

Exactly this. If she has survived three years of University then she should have a bit more resilience. She is in her early twenties , not a terrible two and should have grown out of sulky strops when things don’t go her way.

I would be an irritating parent and keep reminding her cheerfully that it takes less effort to smile than to frown.

It's a shame about the missed photo opportunity because its absence will always be a reminder of a day gone bad. However, if this had been me I would have really tried to bring DD round to parking the rejection and rebuilding the self esteem with the graduation - maybe buying her a stiff drink and saying we can get through this. That way you might have been able to get the gown photo. The meal is no big deal - you can take her out for a grad meal at any time.

My DS had a 2020/21 double graduation ceremony. They put all the graduates on a sports field, all the parents in the stands, and had the students stand up in subject blocks to be mass graduated, while their names scrolled up the screens at high speed, like at the end of a Marvel film where there’s eight million SFX operatives to be credited.

It was basically a Moonie wedding crossed with a Cup Final. I thought they’d get the parents to do a single Mexican wave of appreciation at the end. But we were in the pub by 4pm.

She ruin her own graduation, that is in her and will be for her in the future.

I think her behaviour proved that they were right not to hire her.

In business there will be many times that you get let down/disappointed/feel rejected but have to plaster a smile on your face and crack on with the task at hand as if nothing had happened.

Maybe her immaturity came out during the interview process, and it’s definitely something she needs to work on moving forward.

If she’s managed to reach her early 20s without having to deal with any major disappointments in life, she’s had a charmed existence and should be thankful of that, it really sounds like she doesn’t recognise how lucky she is and also doesn’t care about how well she treats the people who have supported her in life.