Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

@DrudgeyPants it sounds like your dd has some mh issues that need to be addressed and lacks emotional maturity. Is it possible she built the job up as the prize for grad to prove her success? Had she told others about it and was she humiliated when it fell through? Could she not see the forest for the trees, focusing on the job and forgetting the achievement of the graduation? You and your dh were right to attend, dress up, be proud, have fun, take pics - celebrate.
Speak with your daughter about counselling to help her learn to cope with disappointment. Some high achievers really struggle with any perceived failures because their whole identity is wrapped up in success.

I doubt OP will be back but it sounds like a lot of PP are blowing things out of proportion, both with their castigating of OP and her DD. It seems people on mumsnet enjoy judging and attacking other people which is unhelpful.

@DrudgeyPants, what was your reason for posting? Was it for sympathy, to vent, or to get advice on how to support your DD with managing her emotions? It sounds like your DD happened to have a bad day which happened to be on her graduation, a special and meaningful day for you and your DH which you had made sacrifices for, but ultimately a day which is meant to be a celebration of her and her academic achievements and a rite of passage for her. Of course it’s not nice to see your child upset, especially when you think she has every reason to celebrate, but you cannot control her emotions and she’s entitled to feel bad when she faces disappointment, no matter how inconvenient the timing of this is. What she isn’t entitled to do is treat other people badly because of this, which is abusive behaviour. You haven’t been very specific with what she actually did except saying she had a ‘thunderous face’ and was in a bad mood. None of us here know what exactly her facial expression was - it’s possible she was scowling, but it’s also possible you were reading a lot into it because you knew she was unhappy and she was not dealing with it the way you wanted her to.

I think that you her parents should have set your own boundaries and told her clearly that being rude to you/taking out her disappointment on you was unacceptable behaviour, and that it’s ok to be upset but we shouldn’t take it out on others. You could have encouraged her over the job loss situation and reassured her that there would be other opportunities and reminded her how well she had done and encouraged her to celebrate her academic achievements. But she is her own person, an adult albeit a young one, and if she did not feel like celebrating, it’s not something to be forced into and it’s not such a big deal. You don’t need to take it personally and in time she will learn how to handle rejection more constructively. She sounds a bit highly strung but that’s ok, people are different and have different personalities, nobody is perfect - we all have our strengths and weaknesses but what matters is how we manage them. Your posting on the thread suggests to me that you might be more alike than you realise (a typical finding with parents and their children)!

It is rude to invite anyone to an event, any event, then treat them like dirt. I bet she wouldn't do it to anyone other than her parents.

Op, it's over, move on. You were understandably disappointed and i believe, in time, your daughter will regret being 'gradzilla' for such a stupid reason as not getting a job she wanted, but she couldn't help how she felt at the time and what's done is done. I'm not sure people saying how wonderful and how much they enjoyed their kid's graduation helps much. There are plenty of occasions where things go wrong, that's life.

In your place I'd just carry on as normal, as if nothing had happened. You have your life to live and it's more than just one day.

I really disagree with this. It’s a big event.
I can do whatever I want doesn’t work when it impacts others. Stropping around with a face like thunder when everyone else is in a celebratory mood isn’t appropriate.
Tickets are often in short supply. It’s pretty selfish to take tickets when you don’t want to be there.

I don’t think anyone was affected by her mood though.
Students were with their parents. Some times one or two friends. That’s it.
No one will have noticed her.

And she WANTED to come. Until the am. So she didn’t take tickets away from anyone either.

What a ridiculous thing to say. She should have accepted tickets (likely months in advance) in case she was in a bad mood on the day?? 🤦🏼‍♀️ Or didn't deserve to be there because she felt very unhappy? Do have some common sense.

"Reading comprehension so low" 😅🤦🏼‍♀️ Mumsnet never ceases to amaze me with its rubbish insults.

Your dd has a lot of growing up to do. I honestly think her behaviour was disgraceful .
She is obviously able but has to learn that rejection is part and parcel of life which is difficult for someone who has always done well

One of the most important things children have to learn is resilience
If she gets this upset after a few rejections how the hell will she cope when she has hundreds of rejections
I attended my niece’s graduation ceremony yesterday. The chancellor of the university was a black woman who talked about the importance of resilience .
She said that when she graduated she had hundreds of rejections but through sheer grit and determination refused to give up.
She made it clear that life does not always go according to plan but instead of lamenting one should be positive . .
Really struck a cord with many of those in the
audience

Do you think reading comprehension is generally high? I don't. If it's low, is that a worry for society? Yes!

The poster you've quoted might or might not have intended the comment as an insult, but it's factual either way. Many, many MN threads are blighted by from posters arguing the toss over points that haven't even been made. Combine that with a total lack of perspective in many cases, and it's not looking hopeful for our ability to explore things reasonably.

Totally agree
I don’t blame the Op for being upset, I would be furious

Why is it ridiculous? If the daughter wasn’t in mood to go on day (due to job rejection) don’t go and let uni know.
Someone would be very grateful for a spare ticket (it’s usually 2 per graduate and some will go in hope of getting a spare on day if not they just join graduate for meal not all families are nuclear mum and dad)

What age is she? God quite disrespectful. Im sure you were hurt op.

She had every right to graduate, whether unhappy or not. Tickets aren't dependent upon a persons mood. You can't be serious 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’m with you, OP. It’s upsetting. She knew the day was special for you too and didn’t care. I guess she couldn’t see beyond her disappointment.

She’ll regret it and hopefully apologise. It’s not your fault in any way and I hope you can feel less hurt in time.

You graduate whether you attend the ceremony or not. But my view is she should have done her best to put a brave face on.

Sure, but I was actually replying to someone who seemed to think she shouldn't have had a right to the graduation tickets if she was going to be miserable 🤦🏼‍♀️

And thank you - I do know how graduation works... I'm an academic with a PhD 👌

So why suggest not attending was not graduating?

I feel for you everyone has their own feelings but graduation is about celebrating your child’s achievements and having the proud mum moment. My son was not fussed about attending his and no concerns about jobs as he has one lined up to start next week (graduate role). But my mum said to him not a chance you spoiling this for us and that was him committed to attending!!

Think it’s all just overwhelming for them as my son had been stressed about results day. He was given money from a family member to buy a suit of his choice and he took until a couple days before to buy it!! But we did all have a truly fab day. He looked so handsome in his suit and gown and we got to meet his uni mates and all had proud mum moments and have so many lovely photos around the uni campus and graduation ceremony. Met up with my daughter and her boyfriend after and all had drinks and lovely meal. He didn’t want to go have official photo taken Nd i had so many lovely ones on my phone didn’t care. Personally i think your daughter owes you an apology. Least she could have done was had her photo taken so you had one to put up and show friends and put a smile on for a meal after.

Lol. He will probably elope to escape all that one day, if not emigrate!

Erm... where in the world did I say that if she didn't attend she wouldn't officially graduate?! Honestly 🙄 As someone who didn't attend my own first graduation (though I've had 3 since), I can tell you that's obviously not the case...

This thread is wild!

OP well done for supporting your daughter on the day despite her moody behaviour. It can be hard not to snap at them in the moment, (our DD has done this kind of thing to us), but the best response at the time is definitely to stay calm isn’t it?

The worst thing is that eventually she will be sad that she ruined her day and sad that she treated you badly too.

Hope she has some luck with the job hunting soon.

I also think that graduating is both scary as well as a celebration for young people. The half way house of uni is now over and they have to find a job and make their way as adults. Your DD was probably so difficult as she was overwhelmed.

that said if it has been me I would have taken her aside with DH for a sit down and said I understand you’re all at sea right now but the way you’re going about things today you risk spoiling a very special occasion to mark a major achievement. You need to take a deep breath and make the most of today. You’ll get a job in the end and the next stage of your life will become clear, you just need to be patient.

I remember when I left for my gap year creating a huge row with my mother. I didn’t have the emotional maturity to say “I’m anxious about leaving home and you, I’m going to miss you, is everything going to be ok?”

I couldn’t articulate that so I sulked and stropped instead to try and communicate some kind of feeling.

ah well!

Great post.