Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

I despised my graduation. I had to coordinate my parents who were getting divorced, arrange hiring gowns and sort photos, find a nice place to eat, deal with my irritating DB, and put on a huge smiley face. I pulled it off though.

If there was a job rejection that might have tipped me over the edge.

To be honest I think its one of those scenarios where it would have been better if you could have jollied her out of her bad mood and said well these things happen, applying for jobs is a full time job, just keep making more applications and you will get something, let's go for the meal anyway. She may well regret not having made more of the day.

Why not still go for the meal when her mood is slightly better?

Job rejections are a fact of life, it's more just a fact that you have to send a lot, it's a numbers game, and you just learn from each one. You'd be exhausted if you take each one to heart. Even if you thought it was the absolute dream job, there are going to be more opportunities that might work out better. Getting a job is often just down to if they like you and your face fits when you have equally good candidates and eventually you find a match. Its important to have fun and breaks amidst it all.

I agree you all need to be able to laugh about the day.

She may regret the not having a photo, but that's on her. I very nearly pulled out of mine, not sure why, just was all a bit wierdly formal and ick.

@YourBlueScroller You cannot change what a uni does though. They hardly do anything formal that involves you for 3 years. Surely one day with some formality can be tolerated?

I was on the edge of a breakdown by my undergrad graduation. I was not dealing well with uni ending or life in general and had started to develop a lot of poor coping techniques (self harm, disordered eating). I lost my phone on graduation day and was a mess and threw a strop when the SU bar had no gin. My parents had no idea what I was going through and I’m sure they thought I was just being a mardy little madam but inside I was falling apart and felt so lost (18 years ago - I’m much better now!) so don’t judge your DD too harshly - if this seems out of character maybe gently enquire if there’s more to it?

"Brain development doesn't finish until your mid 20s. She might legally be an adult but developmentally she still has a while to go before emotional regulation."

Bingo! I've been waiting for this to be trotted out. It's the new "we only use 10% of our brains".

So young adults' brains aren't fully developed until around the age of 25 and we should not expect emotional regulation - but let's give them the vote at 16!

@PerpetualStudentHmm. How do others cope with leaving university? Honestly. Resilience? All your friends are leaving too. What on earth is happening? Of course you have to leave university and your parents would help with transition. Driving people away from you never helps.

I was the same one Christmas. I probably had a face like thunder the whole time but I was falling apart inside. OP, I'd be concerned about your daughter rather than blast her on social media.

Yes, I do too.

I’ve posted a few times in this thread as I’m a mum to a 20 yr old and recruit/manage young graduates and have been shocked how many posters have thought this was acceptable behaviour by a young adult. I also was waiting for the brain not developed to 25 to be trotted out. I feel like I’m on a different planet.
Is it any wonder new graduates are finding it hard to get hired as managers have zero desire to deal with this kind of behaviour in workplace.
If they have always done it and no one called them out then it will be some manager that has to say don’t stomp around office with a face like thunder because other trainee got the x project and you got y.
Not writing off all young people, I’ve obviously been lucky as had two female under 25s graduates in team (both with first class degrees) mature, worked hard since 16 in various customer facing roles and interestingly both in long term relationships and homeowners.

OP there are some absolutely nuts posters on here, please ignore them, they’re completely tapped.

You are absolutely normal and sound really nice, it sounds like you were upset that your dd had kind of ruined her day for herself, and given that you’d obviously put a lot of effort, time, cost etc into the day of course it’s going to be upsetting that it was a wash out! On the bright side it sounds like she got an amazing result with her degree, and hopefully she won’t look back and be gutted that the day was wasted and that she doesn’t have a photo etc. if she is though it’s obviously her lesson to learn for next time.

Again may I please reiterate how insane and demented some of these posters are and I implore you to please ignore them and take solace in the fact that you’re a normal person!

Is it any wonder new graduates are finding it hard to get hired as managers have zero desire to deal with this kind of behaviour in workplace.

This is a point a lot of people are missing. It may or may not have been ok to strop off at her parents. It was absolutely not ok to behave ungraciously in public towards someone who was giving her a prize. She needs to have her professional face on for that.

I really want to go back to this from last night, especially this part

maybe it's everyone else who needs to take their head out their backside and stop pretending they've never been upset about anything and have never acted out even as a 30-40 or even 50+ adult and cut the young girl a break.

Who do you think among the “30-40 or even 50+” population are among the most likely to act out when they are upset? Is it the ones who were always given a break and had their temper indulged, or the ones who had it pointed out to them, and were told that yes your feelings are valid, but their behaviour is unacceptable?
They might act out from being upset, but does everyone around them wish they wouldn’t, and maybe distance themselves from them? That’s a big yes.
Are there times that they act out from being upset and are oblivious to the upset they cause others? I’ve been on the receiving end, so know that’s true.

The fact that you are focusing on other people do it as some sort of justification is ridiculous.
It’s very gallant of you to try to defend the indefensible here. Sulking, like being a bad loser is extremely unpleasant. And people who get into the habit of it only ever get worse.

It would actually do the DD very well to see this thread. If she does my advice (as a seasoned recruiter of graduates) would be to really think about whether she gives off “difficult” vibes, and to consider whether that might be what they picked up on, and which a stellar academic career won’t patch over.

It's true though. This site makes me so thankful for the young adults in my family.

I opened this thread with trepidation, because it brought back memories of my own daughter's graduation many years ago.
I won't go into detail, but it was a disaster on many levels.
I have occasional flashbacks.🥴
Sympathies.

@ForrinMummy I think that older people can indeed be selfish. I see it all the time. My bil didn’t come to DHs 60th/DDs 21st because he didn’t like the dress code. All about him and not wanting to please others. I’ve lots more examples - adults refusing to go to a restaurant when the majority do. There are some people who truly believe the world revolves around them and they absent themselves if they don’t like something. Most adults though will compromise and have learnt how to do that by 21. They do care about the day their parents are having.

It’s interesting that Sheffield University says it’s a day for graduates and their supporters. Not just the graduate. I think most reasonable people would agree even if they hadn’t fully matured because they were only 21.

Got to say that I am not loving the speculation as to why the daughter didn't get the job. We are told that she was sulky and thunderous with her parents and at her graduation, not at the interview. There is a good chance that she was up against 20 other people with similar qualifications.

Probably more like 200 or 2000 @CruCru.
Just making a general observation about how this behaviour wouldn’t fly in workplace even if they are only 21 or 22.
Lots of graduate schemes are designed with assessments and tests to ensure people recruited have necessary soft skills not just academics.
I made a point yesterday that it was a big public event and you don’t know who was in audience. Some careers especially are very small world.
She was singled out for an academic prize which she accepted in bad grace (face like he’d handed her dog poo) everyone there saw that.

@CruCru I’m not sure immature 21 year olds can do well at interview full stop! She might be great at acting of course!!

Sounds like she needs to learn to be more resilient. It sucks getting a job rejection, but it's not ridiculous to ruin a day over.

My bil didn’t come to DHs 60th/DDs 21st because he didn’t like the dress code.

I'm not sure what to think about having dress codes at birthday parties TBH. If DH had been told to wear black tie to a party he wouldn't go either. He doesn't own black tie suitable clothes and wouldn't go to the effort of hiring any.

Dress code for a family birthday party?

Who the fuck do people think they are? Hyacint fucking Bucket?

Mine was boring as shit. Couldn’t wait to get out of it.

How edgy of you. Far too cool to enjoy a bit of ritual and congratulation of your peers, are you?

I love the way you handle the hecklers.