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Dd ruined graduation

906 replies

DrudgeyPants · 24/07/2025 10:01

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

OP posts:
User16042025 · 24/07/2025 22:54

Haven't RTFT OP But it seems like there have been some very unkind comments on here! I can see both sides of the story. Your daughter is presumably still quite young, and I remember at that age my feelings would completely take over, there was no way around them and nothing would make me feel better in situations like this. I think resilience is just built over time and it was very unfortunate for this to happen to her on her graduation day, I can understand how she would feel. In her eyes she probably thought- what was the point in all this? All this hard work for nothing? I think she will regret how she acted in future. And I understand that you were probably so excited and proud of her that day and just wanted to celebrate- but instead you took the brunt of her disappointment, because who else was she going to take it out on? The public setting only amplified her emotions. I'm sorry for both of you and such bad luck she relieved the rejection on her graduation day. But hopefully she will learn from this.

RampantIvy · 24/07/2025 23:03

There are some seriously deranged posters on here with poor reading comprehension, making up their own narrative so that they can stick the boot in to the OP.

@DrudgeyPants is entitled to feel let down by her daughter's behaviour. If she scowled on stage while receiving her prize the whole audience and university staff will have noticed such poor behaviour as well.

This shows exactly how little this was about your daughter and more about you. She didn't ruin anything for you, this wasn't about you.

You have not understood the OP's posts at all. It doesn't sound to me that the OP has made it about her at all. Stop projecting.

HiEarthlings · 24/07/2025 23:03

Bobbinsie · 24/07/2025 21:08

Indeed, she's sulking over a picture opportunity and taking to the most toxic place for parents online rather than worrying about her daughter. Her daughter is still a child, what's her excuse?

I guess you would know about toxic places, having read many of your comments. Toxic hardly BEGINS to describe them!

And her daughter was graduating, so we'll over 18.she's not a child!

MrsSunshine2b · 24/07/2025 23:06

BodenCardiganNot · 24/07/2025 10:06

Graduations involve a lot of standing and sitting around, they're incredibly boring anyway, so you didn't miss much by not seeing your daughter get her photo taken.
They are not in the least bit boring.

I suppose if you find it fun to sit and listen to 100 names being called out and watching 100 kids you don't know walk up on stage, shake hands with some old guy, and walk back off, it's very interesting.

PaLilli60 · 24/07/2025 23:10

OP obviously ignore the crazies! You sound an absolutely normal and caring Mum.

I think people get bored at night and forget they are responding to real people.

Graduations are boring as hell. Technically she went. Let it be a life lesson and once she has reflected a bit celebrate in your own way together.

cardibach · 24/07/2025 23:21

Motherfluffers · 24/07/2025 22:04

I think this thread is a small example of how charging individual families and/or loaning the student thousands for getting a higher education, instead of having student grants, has really fucked up parent-child-university dynamics. and that’s absolutely no criticism of anyone involved here apart from past UK governments who made that awful decision.

I went to university when it was grants. Most parents still contributed something . And mine were very pleased to attend my graduation. I was pleased to have them there to celebrate. That’s normal and always has been. It’s not something to be blamed on fees.

Crazymayfly · 24/07/2025 23:31

DrudgeyPants · 24/07/2025 10:14

No disappointment with grade - in fact to make matters worse she received top academic prize. You’d have thought she was being presented with a dog poo by her facial expression.

You might need to have a quiet word. If this is her general attitude and demeanor she won’t be welcomed by employers. It’s okay to be disappointed, but bring ‘thunderous’ and bad tempered when things don’t go your way will make it more difficult for her to find, and keep, a job, and they’re in short supply.

Sounds like she needs help with forming coping mechanisms.

Im sorry it was not a good experience for you - you’ve supported her through uni and I bet you felt really proud.

Tedsnan1 · 24/07/2025 23:32

nomas · 24/07/2025 10:27

So there are no photos of her?

She's cut off her own nose to spite her face, let her stew the miserable brat.

That's really unkind.

surreygirl1987 · 24/07/2025 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This! Poor OP's daughter. I'd be morified if my mother posted this about my own graduation on the Internet for the world to see and comment on.

surreygirl1987 · 24/07/2025 23:38

Tedsnan1 · 24/07/2025 23:32

That's really unkind.

I agree. People on here are being so nasty about the OP's daughter. OP, I hope you're happy...

anon666 · 25/07/2025 00:05

Oh God, I did this on my own graduation. There's a back story. I'd always wanted to do an MBA, seeing it as a real achievement. My successful, rich entrepreneurial uncle had an MBA, and it was seen very much as a gold star qualification. I tried so hard and worked myself into the ground, through definitely the hardest four years of my adult life. My daughters both have deep and severe MH problems whoch worsened into suicidal ideation and attempts. Then I suffered ill health, chronic pain, enforced unemployment, then finally agonising grief after my dad got first bowel cancer, then the all clear, then literally six months later, was diagnosed with acute leukemia and died 6 weeks later. I felt like this MBA had challenged me so much, even being very academic, and having got top grades in my youth.

Anyway. I had built it up in my head. I took four years to complete it, painstskingly, and got a distinction by a whisker.

The graduation day was a big event for me, so I paid for the whole family to come along, hotels, meals, outfits. I even got a gown, and paid for a photo package.

Of course, pride came before a fall. 😔 When we turned up for the graduation, at a backwater town in deepest Wales, we realised the whole thing was essentially being used as an immigration scam. There was an MBA ceremony coming out as we arrived, where every single person seemed to be from the same place in Africa. The second graduation, the one I was in, the whole cohort was from the same place in India, to the extent that out of the thousands of people who went up, 20 people had exactly the same rare first name/surname.

I'm not a Reform voter. It wasn't so much the immigration aspect that bothered me. It was the fact that the prized MBA I'd sought so eagerly and slaved over was devalued in my eyes, being used as a means to get a visa. 😬 There were only 30 students in my cohort, so I hadn't realised they had literally thousands of students being funneled through the course. It just felt so cheap.

Anyway. I really struggled to regain composure. I was really embarrassed to have brought all my family. None of us are racists, so I did try to take the perspective that it was amazing to see all these lovely young people from elsewhere in the world desperate to make a life here, all hopeful and enthusiastic. There was that consolation.

But the point remained, the qualification had been franchised out so massively to such an unthinkable huge number of people. It wasn't quite the gold standard elite club I had imagined.

And the family couldn't help but pity me because it was so obvious. There were many tumbleweed moments.

FridayFeelingmidweek · 25/07/2025 00:16

DrudgeyPants · 24/07/2025 10:09

Oh yes, we truly sympathised about the job rejection - but to spoil everything and to be so thunderous the whole day was upsetting.

Assuming she must be at least 21, why on earth didn't you tell her to sort herself out and that you spent time and money on thr trip?

FridayFeelingmidweek · 25/07/2025 00:20

NotoriousABC · 24/07/2025 20:42

OP, I behaved a lot like your daughter at my graduation. Whatever it was that had set me off into a foul mood resulted in me being a sulky arsehole all day to my parents. I also had form for ruining some events by causing a bad atmosphere, and have done this even in my 30’s. I don’t know why I do it. I ruin what should be nice days for myself and other people, even though I really meaningfully want to enjoy the occasions and sort of know I’m doing it in the moment.

I know everyone’s fed up of everything being about ADHD but anyway, I have ADHD and I do think it’s linked. For me, anyway. It’s like some sort of anxiety outburst that I can’t stop.

You can certainly help to stop it, your reactions will be within your control - look into CBT 😊

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/07/2025 00:20

Op I think clearly there is more to this. Your dd is upset about something. A boy? Friendship fall out? Job application failures?

Pp are telling you to correct her behaviour, fine, but I think listening to her is needed here if you want to be a kind mum. Don't make it all about you. For her to sabotage her own day she must be feeling shitty about something

Mothership4two · 25/07/2025 00:52

Some posters seem to be hung up on "the photo". Sounds like OP/DH was looking forward to celebrating the day with their DD (not to mention spending a lot of time, effort and money) and ended up having to cut it short and deal with Moody Margaret instead. DD was rude. She was upset by the rejection, but she was still rude and thoughtless to her parents - and she is an adult not a child as a poster is rather oddly insisting. Obviously, despite this, the right thing to do was be sympathetic to her about her rejection on the day, which seems to be what they did.

PigletSanders · 25/07/2025 01:25

DrudgeyPants · 24/07/2025 12:56

I see some posters are determined to paint me as some sort of monster strutting about in my finery and hectoring dd to buck up, when all she wanted was a low-key acceptance of a meaningless certificate with possibly dh and I - an aged and out-of-touch couple of unempathetic boors - not even in attendance.

I don’t know how to answer really…

I like you, OP.

Mumwithbaggage · 25/07/2025 01:47

OP, hope your dd is over the rejection now.

DD's graduation didn't go exactly as planned. All good with the event itself (the pair next to me and their inability to switch their phones off is another story).

We all headed up there - dd is a fair bit younger than her siblings (ds is next closest and 8 years older). They love her to bits. Partners were there too, watching on the big screen in the Student Union. She chose not to have photos - to be fair, who needs an overpriced photo you'll never put on display?

All was going brilliantly having drinks together afterwards till her bf got a text to say one of his best friends had died in a horrible accident - we'd all seen it on our local news but no-one had realised it was her bf's friend who had died. I felt for him so much. They took a bit of time out but joined us later for drinks and lunch, Bf stayed in the hotel while we (minus dh( went to a jazz bar etc in the evening. I felt for him so much - he was excited for dd but obviously devastated. So proud of some lovely lovely young people - what a truly horrid thing to deal with.

mathanxiety · 25/07/2025 01:50

Astrabees · 24/07/2025 20:25

I feel sad for the people who feel graduations are boring. When our sons graduated it was lovely to see the friends they had talked about getting their degrees too. There were so many young people dressed up and feeling proud of their achievements, they were just glowing with it and I felt I just wanted to give them my best wishes and hopes for a happy sucessfull life. On both occasions there were people from all corners of the world being awarded higher degrees, we talked to some of them and their families, it was fascinating. Both universities put on some exhibitions and it was possible to talk to the lecturers who had taught our sons. You would have to be very jaded not to enjoy an experience like this.

Agree.

I've been to five, and I have loved the buzz of excitement each and every time. I hope I dont sound patronising, but many graduates were the first in their families to set foot in a university. The pride and joy of the parents, grandparents, and siblings was palpable.

Jorgua · 25/07/2025 02:07

Bobbinsie · 24/07/2025 21:57

At last, a reasonable response that isn't all about the parent and actually puts your child at the centre of the situation (which in this case they 100 percent should be).

God, I hope I never have to meet the kids you must have raised.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 25/07/2025 02:15

DrudgeyPants · 24/07/2025 10:11

It did feel disrespectful to us all round.

What's upsetting is you making her graduation all about you and your wants.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 25/07/2025 02:18

RampantIvy · 24/07/2025 23:03

There are some seriously deranged posters on here with poor reading comprehension, making up their own narrative so that they can stick the boot in to the OP.

@DrudgeyPants is entitled to feel let down by her daughter's behaviour. If she scowled on stage while receiving her prize the whole audience and university staff will have noticed such poor behaviour as well.

This shows exactly how little this was about your daughter and more about you. She didn't ruin anything for you, this wasn't about you.

You have not understood the OP's posts at all. It doesn't sound to me that the OP has made it about her at all. Stop projecting.

No one noticed. No one pays attention to the other students. Its a long and dreadfully boring day. I skipped my second two.

RampantIvy · 25/07/2025 03:30

who needs an overpriced photo you'll never put on display?

Why would you not put the photo on display?

What's upsetting is you making her graduation all about you and your wants.

I don't read this meaning into any of the OP's posts. Don't you think that being with someone who sulks all day isn't going to take the shine off the day for everyone concerned?

dottiedodah · 25/07/2025 03:55

The graduation is every bit a celebration for parents as well.Most of whom have had to make sacrifices to help their kids achieve. From doing after school clubs.private tuition and just being cook a d driver.we are instrumental in their success.DS was happier with his Masters ceremony though.i think he felt overwhelmed a little the first time.Youe DD is probably feeling sad to wave goodbye to uni and upset thT the dream job didn't materialise. Maybe go for a nice meal later when she calms down .DS was lucky to get his job using his degree. But many don't. However she is still in a strong position. There will be other chances

Sadworld23 · 25/07/2025 07:22

DrudgeyPants · 24/07/2025 10:14

No disappointment with grade - in fact to make matters worse she received top academic prize. You’d have thought she was being presented with a dog poo by her facial expression.

When you're really great at somethingg, and you feel on top of the world, like the world's at your feet, a rejection seems so hard. Obvs she didn't deal with it stoically or with good grace but maybe she's very used to getting what she wants?

I think she'll regret more than just not having photos, both my graduations I didn't expect to enjoy but had a fabulous day and memorable time with people no longer around.

BoudiccaRuled · 25/07/2025 07:35

DrudgeyPants · 24/07/2025 10:07

I thought it would make matters worse to tell her she wasn’t being awful. It wasn’t the photos per se, but her announcing that she wasn’t having one, a done deal.

Can't believe you didn't tell her to pull herself together! Now she thinks wallowing in misery, ruining everyone else's day is the way to go. Well done you.

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