Upsetting comment from manager

[ByGreyTiger]

My line manager said something to me last week that really upset me. For context, I get on with her well. We have a laugh together in meetings, I can tell she trusts me and often asks my advice on things. DH works for the same company, but he is more senior than me and our paths rarely cross at work. He does however have a bit more to do with my line manager. He’s always found her a bit tricky and sometimes gets upset by emails she’s sent him and finds them passive aggressive. To be honest when I read them I’ve thought he was imagining it a bit, and told him that.
anyway - last week has regular meeting with line manager and we were talking about a promotion I’ve just received. She then looked at me quite seriously and said ‘can I say something to you, and I’m worried it’s going to sound really horrible’. Well of course I wanted to know what it was and she said ‘I’ve sometimes felt that your dh feels his job is more important than yours’. I really didn’t know what to say. I sort of blabbered about that not being true and also how until recently I was part time etc.

afterwards I felt really sad. I’m not even sure why i felt so sad. I can’t talk to dh about it - he would be really upset and angry.
do you think my boss overstepped the line here?

For some LMs it would be crossing the line and for others it wouldn't, if they had 'that sort' of relationship where they can talk about personal things.

She obviously thinks you two have that but it sounds as though you disagree.

Unless what's really stinging is that you agree with what she said?

Of course it is crossing the line! Your marriage is not her business

I feel I can talk to her about personal things a bit, share opinions on things/have a chat over a coffee in the office type thing. We don’t socialise outside of work at all and I feel that other people’s marriages are generally off limits?

it stung a bit because things were tricky a couple of years ago with two small children, me very part time, moving house, my dh got very stressed and I think felt a huge responsibility. I’m not going to deny it was an easy period for our marriage. However it makes me really sad to think that that’s what people think from the outside? I don’t know, just really upset me. and I can’t tell dh - it would really upset him too.

Well if he's more Senior than you maybe he does think that? I don't really see what's wrong with that, maybes it's factually true. It is a bit weird she said that though, it seems unnecessary.

Tbh it probably the way DH talks if other people have picked up on it. Not uncommon for men to think their job is more important than their wifes.

You're angry with your manager but not husband who thinks his job is more important than yours.

Of course it crossed a line. Tell her it's none of her business and is bollocks anyway.

Is she jealous of you and fancies your DH so she's trying to stir up trouble?

That's unfair, it's hearsay and someone else's perception.

Maybe she shouldn't have made the comment, but she thought you were both friends

She overstepped, but you're responsible by disclosing highly personal information to her when you were having a difficult time.

It is rarely wise to have managers, as friends, imho.

There will almost certainly be a time where their seniority will override any perceived "friendship"

It's interesting that your husband finds her passive aggressive and her impression of him is "‘I’ve sometimes felt that your dh feels his job is more important than yours’"

I think their dynamic is telling.

You have a life with this man, with children, she's just a work colleague.

I wonder if your "disloyalty" by discussing your marriage with a "boss" has unsettled you because you thought of her as a "friend"?

Does he?

I think it's a bit murky working at the same place and also talking about personal issues. Personally I think one of you should find another job. I get she's your friend but she has a professional relationship with him, so it's all a bit ... incestuous?

think she overstepped?

@ByGreyTiger stated "I can’t talk to dh about it - he would be really upset and angry"

All3 of you are crossing lines.

he is sharing her emails with you and discussing her with you

she thinks you are friends and is making personal remarks and dis using him with you

you are privy to information about her that you should t have - eg her emails

when stuff like this happens lines get blurred and things go wrong

all of you need to find a way to be professional at work - you are all at fault

It is hearsay. Because it depends on what her DH has said to people. This is why she needs to ask him and find out why. Quite few men do think their job is more important. Need to be reigned in.

I'm really not trying to be a dick, but his job might be more important. I used to work with my DH and his job was way more important than mine (although he would never say or act like it, in fact probably the opposite)

This bit is important: “(although he would never say or act like it, in fact probably the opposite)”. It’s about being equal partners in a relationship and having respect for each other, what job they do and not thinking of oneself as superior. Why did OP need to mention the fact she went part time? I’m assuming to do childcare and help with kids. Now, she’s back at work full time playing catch up.

I mean, maybe his job is more important than yours? That’s ok? Companies are made up of lots of different roles that all work together. He is senior to you, if it came down to one of you having to quit for childcare, it would make sense for the person who is least well paid to do it, so in that situation it’s correct I guess.

I am, however, astonished that your boss said this! WTF has it got to do with her? It seems she doesn’t like your husband and is trying to cause trouble?
Or she does like your husband and is trying to cause trouble….

I mean, you say that your DH has a bit of a communication issue with her and thinks she's passive aggressive.

Maybe this is what he's talking about? She's interpreted something and instead of keeping it to herself, has tactlessly let it slip to you.

Hi @ByGreyTiger

Obviously I have no idea what your husband thinks about his job v your job but for what it's worth I think your boss is massively out of line. It's not something I would even be likely to say to my best friend, never mind a colleague.

Just a thought ... your husband feels she is passive aggressive. I was wondering if the comment was a passive aggressive style put down now you've been promoted? Keep you in your place under the guise of concern?

It may well be her issue not your husband's.
If you've never sensed that as his wife, then why should she? I'm just thinking it might be an idea to think about her motivation for saying that.

As others have said, best keep personal and professional life separate, especially when you work for the same company. You can still be friendly and share superficial stuff but boundaries definitely in place.

Please try not to worry too much. 💐 Even if she genuinely thinks that it doesn't mean she is right. Xx

Whether or not this was appropriate depends more on how your usual relationship is.
That said, it’s more of a slight on your DH than you.
You just got promoted, it seems like the follow on to your managers comments, is that she feels otherwise (aka your role is as important, if not more).
It strikes me as something she’s tried to put delicately, but perhaps your husband receiving ‘passive aggressive’ emails from her is more about how he views her & communicates, than it is her. Perhaps he’s just coming across as a bit of a dick to her.

You’ve misunderstood - I’ve never once discussed my marriage with her.

He probably does , if he is more senior/ she thinks he does as he is more senior. I would erase comment

She was out of line. Your marriage is nothing to do with your job and it's worrying she can't see that
Maybe it'd be ok if you'd gone for coffee and she'd made it clear that she was speaking not as a line manager but as a friend but in the context you describe it's completely inappropriate.

And some of these comments - talk about internalised misogyny. What makes it so easy for people to believe a man's job is definitely more important?

It’s more senior, more responsibility and higher paid though? So to the company, it is a more important role, reflected in seniority and wage.
She was being weird, and hugely inappropriate! Not to mention totally taking the shine off of your promotion.
She is not your friend yet seemed to be hoping you’d join in a bitching session about your husband….I’d proceed with caution and keep it strictly business with her from now on.

Thanks for all your comments - interesting thoughts.
just to clarify a few things - I have never ever discussed my marriage with her, and I never would. She knows he was very stressed a few years ago but that’s because he spoke to her and a more senior colleague about it, asking for help. Me and her never went and discussed that between us.
when I say I get on well with her, I mean in a work sense. We don’t socialise, don’t chat much about our lives outside apart from maybe making a book recommendation to each other as we both like reading.

the reason I started talking to her about being part time was because my dh’s job was more important than mine. He was earning significantly more than me then, and we had two children in childcare - we were really struggling. I don’t think his job is more important now - well he earns a little more than me now but not by much and he is very supportive of my career, encourages me to go for promotions etc.

I think maybe I’m upset because it suggests she thinks he’s a bit of a dick which is sad - I don’t want people to think that. To be honest this whole
thing makes me think I need a new job somewhere else!