Upsetting comment from manager

[ByGreyTiger]

My line manager said something to me last week that really upset me. For context, I get on with her well. We have a laugh together in meetings, I can tell she trusts me and often asks my advice on things. DH works for the same company, but he is more senior than me and our paths rarely cross at work. He does however have a bit more to do with my line manager. He’s always found her a bit tricky and sometimes gets upset by emails she’s sent him and finds them passive aggressive. To be honest when I read them I’ve thought he was imagining it a bit, and told him that.
anyway - last week has regular meeting with line manager and we were talking about a promotion I’ve just received. She then looked at me quite seriously and said ‘can I say something to you, and I’m worried it’s going to sound really horrible’. Well of course I wanted to know what it was and she said ‘I’ve sometimes felt that your dh feels his job is more important than yours’. I really didn’t know what to say. I sort of blabbered about that not being true and also how until recently I was part time etc.

afterwards I felt really sad. I’m not even sure why i felt so sad. I can’t talk to dh about it - he would be really upset and angry.
do you think my boss overstepped the line here?

Maybe your DH is a bit of an idiot and comes across as he’s more important? She’s allowed an opinion. Given that you’ve already said they have a tricky work relationship.

She shouldn’t have said anything to you but from your posts I get the impression you are more concerned how things look to others rather than what the reality is.

@ByGreyTiger Gosh, given your update, you have clearly not given her any reason whatsoever for her overstepping the mark.

If she doesn't like your DH, it's not for her to share with you! Nobody likes everybody and sometimes personalities just clash.

I wouldn't like someone saying that either and you have every right to be upset. Do keep in mind, even if she really thinks that, it's just her opinion, and if she feels the need, to speak to your husband, not you.

Who knows why she said it, maybe he is a bit of a dick to work with. Personally I think it would be much healthier to get another job, it all sounds too close. As soon as my DH and I got together I got another job, we did work in the same team though so that was a bit different.

i was going to say this!

Your LM framed it as something 'really horrible' but in reality, this is true in a lot of households where one earns more. It's all about balance! Very difficult for both jobs to take priority all the time.... and that's ok, surely!?

edit to add: I don't think this was appropriate of her to say, but I'd just ignore it.

If you’ve gone from earning way less to almost closing the gap eg

2018 dh £60k greytiger £30k
2025 dh £75k greytiger £71k

after damaging your career a. With kids and b by going PT….it speaks volume to your talent and competence

I think you are upset because she said something true and it hit a nerve and your are upset either at yourself for tolerating and enabling it or your dh.
i say that because if that happened to me I’d just laugh and say you’ve got the wrong end of the stick…

she did it most likely out of “love for you” (in an fellow woman sense not sexy) because she rates you and is concerned about the fact you are letting your goals slide by prioritising your DH in her opinion

its not unusual - I have quite a few friends with DHs who are “a bit of an arse” this varies from a bit to complete their wives seem either to think their awful husband is a bit of a load/arse but an amazzzzzing dad 🙄 or oblivious to it.

she probably doesn’t like your DH and is a bit pas ag with him because she’s a woman’s woman and he treats most women (inc office) with a bit of contempt…. It wouldn’t be that odd in that it would apply to about 20% of men in my office

There is no way I’d make a complaint or take it further. If you want you can raise it with her and say your like working with her and appreciate she meant well but it made you uncomfortable and you’d rather not discuss it again.

Did she say why she thought that or did she just leave it with you to respond? If the latter I'd try to hold back on reading too much into it until you have more from her - next time you are in a setting where you can discuss things freely I'd thank her for her concern and ask what made her say that.

Work relationships can be very odd. Close but based on limited information. Even if you work somewhere a while and people see a fair bit of you/get some basic details on your personal life, that's still of course only a snapshot. Nonetheless, particularly when I came back from mat leave I found people made some quite specific assumptions about how childcare etc. would work between me and my husband based on limited info/projecting their own situations.

Maybe he has said things in meetings with her that dismiss and diminish your role. e.g. I can go to X or do Y because ByGreyTiger can pick up the kids or similar. Or indicated you won't do something because it won't fit round him. He may have made it clear to the organisation that he is the Big Man and you are Little Wife from his perspective. It is not uncommon. Perhaps LM has her eyes open to this and how to progress you in you career with him undermining it out of your view on your behalf. Sounds like a bit of warning about him from her, particularly if he doesn't like her.

He probably does, men often do, no idea why she felt the need to tell you. What did she think she would achieve? She obviously doesn't like him all that much, which is fine.

Men so often do think their careers are more important. As someone who line manages quite a few women, I can tell you who carries the burden when the children are sick. It’s always the women (pretty much) who have to take time off to look after them. Within my marriage, we take equal time off (when children are sick) and always have, even when I worked part time and earned a lot less (20k per annum)
DH earns twice what I do (120k to my 60k) but my career is just as important to us both. We also work in the same place (public sector) he is fairly senior and I’m middle management. I don’t think it sounds like she was being as personal as you think she was…

I think my job is more important than my DH’s. I don’t think that’s in any way ‘horrible’.

She is an idiot for doing that but she probably thought she could say that to you because you get on well.
I would ignore it, not such a huge thing really.

I bet @lafufu is right, sorry OP
I think your manager was earnestly trying to warn you, woman to woman
You shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed or change jobs, you should face the truth

She has crossed the line. You should never mention other people's family in relationship to a professional context unless it is something like an illness and time off, or something that will directly affect performance. It is a number one rule. Keep this woman at arm's length. Be professional and friendly with very small talk but don't get involved in deep discussions. Stand by your husband as he seems to value his job and when you do send email to this woman keep them 'grey'. No frills, just the facts in hand. These people have a nasty way of manipulating. Be aware!

Im reading this as she’s telling you are actually valuable you and maybe discount yourself and your efforts vs your husband having a senior role?

Out of curiosity OP, do you and your DH share the responsibility of your kids 50/50? So if the kids are sick, do you take turns staying home with them? If they have appointments during work hours, do you split those equally? With regards to pick up and drop off, do you both cover them or is it one person who always has to leave on time no matter what whereas the other can work late if needed etc?

I used to own my own business and had a couple working for me and to be honest this sort of thing is noticed and noted. It was always the woman who stayed home when the kids were sick, who had to leave work for appointments, who had no flexibility because of pick ups and drop offs; it was never the man. These things usually go under the radar somewhat if only one member of a couple works for you but when you have visibility of both, you can see who has to prioritise the kids and who prioritises work; for example you know full well Billy Big Bollocks doesn’t have an important meeting or anything stopping him staying home with the sick kids (the wife actually did have something important going on at work) but as a couple they prioritised his job over hers. Not going to lie, it did affect her promotions and opportunities.

I was thinking the same as the last few posters. That I am always the one to take the DC to appointments or take time off for them if needed. This is true for many women and if you are in this situation then I think this would be perceived as the man thinking his job is more important.

I wonder what his behaviour is like at work. Something must have been said or done to give her that idea and to the extent that she needed to vocalise it.

Fwiw, he's not alone. I reckon that most people who are the main wage earner have that implicit belief.

Do you think that maybe it’s hit a nerve because your husband does think his role is more important than yours? Maybe your LM knows you work hard and deserve just as much praise as him.

It’s not clear for me what she meant. I read it as in her opinion he looked down on people who were lower in rank than him. And that the impression she’s got from their email exchange.
I think she overstepped massively trying to drop her issues with him on you..

congratulations on the promotion. Have you been the one to typically cover any child sickness? Maybe that was her point if it was always you? Will it be shared going forwards?

Sounds to me as if she was stirring. Is she perhaps jealous of your relationship with your dh? It’s hardly unheard of!

Not to mention that if she knew it was a horrible thing to say, she shouldn’t have said it!

I've encountered similar managerial implications about men feeling their jobs were more important than their wives when I worked on a predominantly female workplace where many staff were parents of young children. The situation was basically that the staff who were mums sometimes needed time off to care for their sick child or to attend a child related appointment/event. The honest reason why the mums always asked for unpaid time off was because their husband's had much better paid jobs with better career prospects whereas the wife's work was more expendable from a family economics point of view.

Wondering if the line manager in this thread be thinking of a similar situation where the male employee doesn't work around the needs of the family?

It’s simply none of her managers business though is it? The OP hasn’t been complaining about her husband or anything.

She’s not your friend, you can’t have little chats with her, keep your distance.

As long as he does his share of the domestic and childcare stuff, you’ve nothing to worry about. But you know this.

And your manager shouldn’t be commenting on that anyway unless it directly affects your work and/or she genuinely believes that it’ll cause an issue in your new role.