Upsetting comment from manager

[ByGreyTiger]

My line manager said something to me last week that really upset me. For context, I get on with her well. We have a laugh together in meetings, I can tell she trusts me and often asks my advice on things. DH works for the same company, but he is more senior than me and our paths rarely cross at work. He does however have a bit more to do with my line manager. He’s always found her a bit tricky and sometimes gets upset by emails she’s sent him and finds them passive aggressive. To be honest when I read them I’ve thought he was imagining it a bit, and told him that.
anyway - last week has regular meeting with line manager and we were talking about a promotion I’ve just received. She then looked at me quite seriously and said ‘can I say something to you, and I’m worried it’s going to sound really horrible’. Well of course I wanted to know what it was and she said ‘I’ve sometimes felt that your dh feels his job is more important than yours’. I really didn’t know what to say. I sort of blabbered about that not being true and also how until recently I was part time etc.

afterwards I felt really sad. I’m not even sure why i felt so sad. I can’t talk to dh about it - he would be really upset and angry.
do you think my boss overstepped the line here?

I am quite sensitive to personal comments, but in all honesty this wouldn't bother me.

My reaction would either be 'yeah, he does' or 'yeah, his job is a bit more important to be fair' or 'oh really, I don't get that impression at all' and then move on.

What happened in my old workplace was that the manager considered it was her business as she felt that she was always inconvenienced by having to find last minute staff cover and this inconvenience would be halved if both parents shared. However, she wasn't personal friends with all the staff so easier for her to ignore the resentment.

Men do often think that sort of thing, and I can see why a more senior woman would say that to a more junior woman, intended as friendly advice. Especially because he works there too in a more senior capacity - she is effectively saying "don't forget you're important too". It might well be clumsy, or overfamiliar, or an overstep but she's trying to indicate she is on your side.

Op - just ignore this.

She clearly likes you and has a bit of an issue with your DH. Possibly personality clash and, as he's more senior, possibly bit of office politics/power struggle.

I read her comment as a bit of a clumsy (and inappropriate) way of saying that your job is just as important as his and encouraging you to make sure your career sacrifice for family isn't too one sided. Is she generally a strong advocate for women's rights?

Nothing good will come out of taking this further with her or mentioning to DH. My strong advice is to just let it go. If she says anything in future, change the subject or just say you'd rather not discuss your husband.

Sometimes people say things, that on reflection they shouldn’t, my guess, this is from a good place. Take it as it was intended and move on.

I bet she’s right though.

Also - do ask yourself: are you so upset because it strikes a chord?

Actually, if she'd said it in purely business terms, how would you feel about it? "I know Matt's in Strategic Management but our team's work is just as important" - doesn't really change the meaning but maybe phrased like that you can see how saying it would be part of her managing you to get the best out of your team?

That’s what I’m thinking.

Perhaps she did overstep and it was unnecessary to say - it doesn’t help anyone BUT

where did the perception come from? Sounds like your DH has made some comments to her behind your back

What a stupid comment.

I would have just asked her why she thinks that to understand where she is coming from.

You’re equating ‘important’ with better paid or full time I’m guessing?
Throughout my marriage, I have always been the higher earner at times earning over double what DH earned. Now, in our 60s, we both work at the same place, both part time, I still earn more than him for fewer hours. I have never thought my job was more important than his. For example, when our Dc were ill as kids it was usually me that took time off to care for them as he didn’t get paid if he took the time off. His salary was just as important as mine as we budgeted based on our combined income.

I think 80 percent of men would say their job is more important than their wives jobs. Some of them will be right, many will be wrong. He’s more senior than you so in this case she might be right. I don’t think it’s anything to get upset over. People keep mentioning the marriage, but the manager didn’t mention the marriage, she was talking about job roles.

I worked with a woman whose husband worked in the same org; he was more senior on paper, but not by much.
When they had kids, she went part-time, took up all the slack in sick days and school events, and made it clear they were prioritising his job. Her manager wanted to see “proof” they were sharing emergency leave which is over reaching - just as your manager went too far - but he was annoyed the husband’s job was prioritised every time and was looking out for her.

Not surprisingly it became a self-fulfilling prophecy: he advanced as he totally disregarded the family, she was selected for redundancy.

If the burden of caring is falling on you, consider whether your boss actually has your back and is trying to tell you something.

Occam's razor style

I think this is one of the least likely explanations I can think of

Why has it upset you?

@ByGreyTiger

When you said;

"I feel I can talk to her about personal things a bit"

"We don’t socialise outside of work at all and I feel that other people’s marriages are generally off limits?

it stung a bit because things were tricky a couple of years ago"

I apologise, unreservedly, to you, I obviously erroneously extrapolated from these statements.

You really shouldn't have to find another job, especially if you like it and are happy in your workplace.

"I think maybe I’m upset because it suggests she thinks he’s a bit of a dick which is sad - I don’t want people to think that" (could she be intimidated and insecure?)

Anyways, she has shown you who she is, it may be better to take a step back from this particular friendship.

Good luck.

She’s a shit stirrer. Watch out.

Now you've been promoted, is she no longer your line manager? Maybe she felt she didn't have that barrier anymore and could speak woman to women.

Is your husband at the same level as her or more senior to her? He should not have been showing you her emails. You didn't read them as passive aggressive.

I agree with PPs that, albeit probably not the most professional thing to say out loud, she's telling you to value yourself. Your husband may well be a dick at work. There are plenty of them around and they're often married but as their wives don't work for the same organisation, they have no clue how they're perceived.

@reinforcementz

Men do often think that sort of thing, and I can see why a more senior woman would say that to a more junior woman, intended as friendly advice. Especially because he works there too in a more senior capacity - she is effectively saying "don't forget you're important too". It might well be clumsy, or overfamiliar, or an overstep but she's trying to indicate she is on your side

Yes, that would be my interpretation. A senior woman recognising the potential of a junior woman but also recognising that professional women, especially if they are mothers, often have to fight that little bit harder than men to be recognised.

I would strongly advise you not to lose someone who could be a really useful mentor because you’ve taken offence to a remark that you can disregard if you think it’s untrue, but actually you should give a little bit of thought to before disregarding it.

It’s not for her to say though.

Some of you are bananas, you can say you’re not fulfilling your potential without mentioning another colleague never mind husband, it’s so unprofessional.

Is she married?
is she asking you based on her own circumstances or yours?

often when people say something odd like that they might be thinking of themselves rather than how it comes across to you!

Do you think you're feeling this way as it's hit a bit close to home as in there's some truth in it?

I'd love to have a female mentor who has my back.

I do wonder if that's a very small amount on unconscious bias with hubby imagined skughts by a senior female etc.
He's likely not aware of it but I would also explain his career being more important than yours not just because of a seniority thing.

I think all 3 of you are in the wrong to be honest. Your DP shouldn’t be showing you a colleagues email, you shouldn’t be reading them and your manager shouldn’t be saying anything about your marriage however if working in an environment like you are without clear boundaries lines are going to blur.

If your partner is in a senior role some people are going to think he isn’t the wonderful man you love and married and possibly a bit of a dick. Not everyone likes their managers. It unfortunately makes things tricky for you if you let it or if your partner or manager let it. Ie. If they fall out/disagree (which can happen) are they going to drag you in to it? More likely if you are back working full time.

They obviously don't get on very well and it shows in her perception of him. You know the truth and know he is very supportive.
She obviously thinks of you as friend and the comment reflects that. Sounds like she is protective of you and dislikes him.
We can't always get on with everyone.
Try not to dwell on it too much.
I would certainly not look to change jobs unless it's easy to do and would mean step up for you.