Upsetting comment from manager

[ByGreyTiger]

My line manager said something to me last week that really upset me. For context, I get on with her well. We have a laugh together in meetings, I can tell she trusts me and often asks my advice on things. DH works for the same company, but he is more senior than me and our paths rarely cross at work. He does however have a bit more to do with my line manager. He’s always found her a bit tricky and sometimes gets upset by emails she’s sent him and finds them passive aggressive. To be honest when I read them I’ve thought he was imagining it a bit, and told him that.
anyway - last week has regular meeting with line manager and we were talking about a promotion I’ve just received. She then looked at me quite seriously and said ‘can I say something to you, and I’m worried it’s going to sound really horrible’. Well of course I wanted to know what it was and she said ‘I’ve sometimes felt that your dh feels his job is more important than yours’. I really didn’t know what to say. I sort of blabbered about that not being true and also how until recently I was part time etc.

afterwards I felt really sad. I’m not even sure why i felt so sad. I can’t talk to dh about it - he would be really upset and angry.
do you think my boss overstepped the line here?

Cause its none of her business what the op's husband thinks and it sounds like she's trying to cause trouble. Can u think of any reason why a line manager would say that to someone wife?

When you say 'she meant well' - what do you think was her motivation for saying it? What was she hoping you would do/feel because she'd said it? I can't see how she 'meant well' by criticising your husband to you.

It was obviously something she'd given some thought in saying as she prefaced it with 'I'm worried it's going to sound really horrible' but still raised it. Why did she think it was important to say? What did she think it was going to achieve.

It doesn't seem SUCH a terrible thing that he does think his job is 'more important' - if he has been the main bread winner for most of your relationship I can see why he might feel that, even if it's a bit of a male ego thing - it's not great but it just doesn't seem that big of an issue you'd need to bring it up in a line management meeting.

I'd just be suspicious of her motives. Hard to see what good she can see coming of her words.

The emphasis with !!! looks arsey. I think confusion is because you said in your post at 4.06am "I feel I can talk to her about personal things a bit"

I think this is going to come with the territory of working at the same place as your husband.

It sounds like it’s starting to get complicated and as you continue to get promoted or not, you have to consider what the impact of working at the same company is going to have on your career.

I would personally look for my next promotion elsewhere.

I can understand why you are upset with her making comments about your marriage, celebrities have to put up with all this crap all the time.
No matter how strong you are now, it still must be hurtful, but stay strong!

Its not true, let it wash over you. It’s the new promotion that prompted the comment.

Could you read into it a different way. Maybe she is (in her feminist way) trying to make you understand your worth and maybe thinks you could do more and even achieve more than your DH.

i think she was hinting that he comes across as if he thinks
'He's got a big important job and you bring in pin money'
whereas you have worked hard and have an important career.

Don't feel bad about this BTW. Having small children especially pre school aged children is such a testing time for a couple! There is just so much to juggle. Absolutely nobody goes through it without making some mistakes, nobody does it perfectly

They work in the same organisation. As OP's line manager, it is absolutely her business if someone is treating OP as if her career is unimportant. That person happens to be OP's husband. It sounds more to me as if the line manager is keeping an eye out for OP, not trying to cause trouble.

1. You can't control what people think of your husband.
2. If someone says something loaded, always repeat back to them what they've said, along with a "can you explain to me what you say/think that?"
3. She did load that comment, and has you right where she wants you, i.e., you fixated and worried and annoyed, and thinking of that comment.
4. Take your power back by ignoring what she said, if you feel it's not true, and be polite but in a civil way. She's not your friend. Don't have friend feelings towards her, nor be hurt.
5. If she's done one comment like this, do expect another one. As point 2, ask her to clarify herself.

I wouldn't read too much into it, if everything else is all good. Horrible as it is, she and your dh clearly don't work well together - he believes she is tricky/passive aggressive and objectively you think he's likely wrong/over reacting, she clearly thinks he's a bit overly self important, maybe a dick.
She shouldn't have said anything to you, ts an over step, you're friendly but not friends, and it's not helpful info that you agree with, or can do anything about or wanted to discuss.
It's just the awkwardness of working in the same company, unfortunately some people don't get on. You can leave, and go somewhere literally nobody knows your relatives or husband OR you can accept that people at work will have a view on your husband and probably your marriage based off knowing you both at work.
I worked at the same firm as SiL, it was awkward as nobody really liked her and thought she was odd. It reflected on me and my family, in the sense people had an opinion, I just got over it and let my work speak for itself. Yours clearly is speaking for itself, it just depends how much it bothers you vs how much you like working there.