Is it normal to feel completely indifferent to strangers' lives?

[AmusedTaupePlayer]

Hi all,
Bit of an odd one, but I’ve been thinking about this lately and wondering if anyone else relates.
I’ve noticed that unless someone is part of my life — family, close friends, maybe a few colleagues — I just don’t feel anything about what happens to them. Whether it’s good or bad. Someone winning the lottery, getting cancer, becoming homeless, whatever — I can understand it matters, but on a personal level, I feel nothing. Take homelessness — I get that it’s awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but emotionally, I don’t care. It doesn’t affect me. I don’t feel moved by it.
It’s not that I’m unkind or malicious. I just feel emotionally neutral about people I don’t know.
I suspect more people feel like this than let on, but whenever I’ve hinted at it, people react like I’m some sort of sociopath. So if it’s that common, why is it such a taboo to say out loud?
Is this just how emotional bandwidth works? Or is something off?
Genuinely curious — would love to know if others feel the same but just don’t talk about it.

I think that’s perfectly normal and that’s how we are designed as humans. I’m the same unless I read about someone that has went through something similar to me. However, if I hear about a death in the news or something along those lines- outside of the general sympathy, I struggle to feel anything

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5362621-why-is-my-22-year-old-apprentice-colleague-so-helpful-to-me-when-he-clearly-dislikes-people-like-me

It could be a few different things making you feel (or not feel) this way.

Did you used to? Like when you were a child, did anything upset you such as animal abuse adverts, an upsetting scene in a film, people fighting in the playground or being bullied etc?
If it did and it doesn't now, you might have just had enough.
Not everyone can continue to feel deeply about things, their brain can shut it off to protect them with things are too much and they don't want to see the world that dark and bleak anymore.

If you didn't then and things haven't changed, it could possibly hint towards some kind of neuro divergence. DS14 is autistic and feels very little for others. He's not unkind or cruel, he just struggles to feel how they could be feeling and genuinely is indifferent to it.

Does this also count for things you've been through personally? For example, if you've had a certain family member die and you grieved, then met a stranger who had the same family member die and was grieving, would you feel something then, but not feel something if you hadn't had that experience? A lot of the time people struggle to have empathy for situations they haven't been in themselves because their brain struggles to imagine how that would feel.

Because its called empathy and most people do have empathy for others I guess. I dont lose sleep over these things but I do care on an emotional level that for example millions of Ukranians were left without homes, jobs and dsiplaced.

Don't give then, most people do not broadcast the fact that they do donate so why not just stop giving.

This is not uncommon at all. Some people are just less empathetic than others, I can see that with DS, sometimes it's difficult to live with!

I think people care/think about other people much less than you'd expect. In a way it makes me glad at the moment. I have cancer and while I'm grateful that my friends check in/express sympathy/help out where they can, I'm happy that they're not all in tears and super sad about it! They've got their own problems and don't need to be obsessing over me. Equally I've got friends on the verge of homelessness, who are alcoholics with impending health failures and messy lives, one who has just come out of a very abusive relationship (thank goodness!)... I care deeply about them and have bailed them out with money/been a shoulder to cry on/supported them in court etc. That doesn't mean they take up an awful lot of my brain space day to day. It's human nature. I just try to actively get involved with charity/donate generously/be there for people, to sort of counteract that.

Well I think you have a lack of insight and foreward thinking, and don't understand how these things actually do connect to your life. It's not uncommon, but it does cause damage to our individual lives and our society.

Many of these things you think aren't your problem really do, and will, affect you personally and your family and friends - some already affect you now, and some will in the future.

They affect how much tax you pay, how the country you live in is run, the services you can and can't access (education, healthcare), the type of place your children will grow up in and who they will become.

You can't control all of this in isolation - the rest of the world affects you - you just aren't thinking about it very analytically. You are connected to these external things, for better or worse.

YOU personally, and your family/ friends, would be much better off, in many ways, if other people all around the world had fewer problems.

A lot of the things that people think "oh well it's not my problem" - if you look a little more closely, it actually is.

Agree. No one is this dumb and disconnected from normal thought.

I am reasonably empathetic so I guess I have the capacity to imagine quite vividly what it must be like to be in many different and difficult situations. I can imagine how cold, lonely and scary it must be out on the streets especially in winter, I find the terror and trauma in the eyes of the children in Gaza very troubling and give to a medical aid charity. Those are just two examples . I don't weep and wail, but i do think about how it is a mere twist of fate that I do not live in a war zone and I am thankful that even though my life has had its struggles I have always had a roof over my head.

I cry about Gaza when I see footage on the news . And am emotionally affected about other things that happen to strangers. But I guess it’s a defence mechanism to not go there too much. Not sure if it matters if you’re not emotionally affected as you seem to care and understand that others lives etc matter.

This sounds like self-indulgent melodrama. Over our lifetimes we become desensitised to almost everything. To not do so suggests stunted intelligence, surely? Like she hasnt been processing her life's experiences. Or she's hamming it up. Or, worse I think, using someone else's catastrophe as an outlet for her unrelated emotions, which is highly unhelpful.

I feel similar especially as I get older. I particularly can’t cope with the recent movement of “bring your whole-self work”. Why do I have to care about my colleagues hobbies, problems, health? If I have a genuine organic friendship with a colleague then of course I care. With this movement I feel I being forced into listening to, showing interest in and caring about random peoples lives. I am not interested.

Well obviously you are not big on the empathy attribute. Your emotional intelligence will be particularly low. Some people are like this. Like some have higher or lower IQs.

Why assume that should anyone who does not think like you lacks the capacity to empathise?

I feel like this occasionally when I'm overwhelmed, and it's a sign that I'm close to burnout. I have a fairly chaotic family, and sometimes I'm so busy firefighting and grieving and supporting people through crises that I don't have any care or concern to spare.

But in general, no, I'm not indifferent to other people unless my own life is affected.

I'm pleased when a writer I love wins an award. I'm interested when people tell me about their friends and relatives I haven't met, and I feel in some way emotionally invested in what happens to them in their lives. They become part of my emotional community.

Do you read fiction, OP? My DH doesn't, as he doesn't see why he should care about people who don't exist and things that didn't happen. It seems to him like a total irrelevant waste of time. He is not moved by stories and can't become engaged in them. I wonder if this is a version of what you experience.

(He's not a sociopath, by the way, and is very kind and would never harm anyone. He is, however, neurodivergent. He is also able to feel much more emotionally invested in animals than in people).

I think it's normal.

There is so much suffering in the world and even you will suffer from time to time. We can't absorb all the hurt in the world. Empathizing costs energy and it also causes some pain. I'd rather reserve that for the people I am close to and who would benefit the most from it. I think it also requires a personal connection for it to be authentic.

You can sympathize with strangers, but I think it would be unhealthy to feel their pain as well.

You'll be doing fine OP when the robots take over the workplace which they are very close to doing right now.
So many people will not have a job anymore and somehow I doubt they'll give a damn about anyone else either.
If you have no empathy for people now, no concern or insight into the impacts on the lives of people who are ill, people living with disabilities, of basic needs not being met, children going hungry , misery, and you you say don't care if you go to hospital or find yourself in a bad situation and no one cares about you either, you are all set for the robotic way of life.

I don't think you'd ask this question if you were living in a society with less public services.

In a lot of places, people are sharply aware that very little stands between them and the need to rely on the kindness of strangers or near-strangers. You're kind to others because you know you may need the same kindness before long.

So there's a cultural aspect to it. I worked in Tanzania for a while, and if I ever end up in a disaster, I hope I'm surrounded by Tanzanians - they know how to sort themselves out and how to share. I think Brits would be OK too, but I'd dread being among Americans in a crisis, in case they start going all 'Mad Max'.

How strongly people respond emotionally to others in distress is, I think, a matter of temperament and socialisation. Some people get real satisfaction out of making sure others are OK, clearly you don't. That's not really a choice, nothing wrong with it.

But asserting (or pretending) that you can't see any pragmatic or moral argument in favour of caring for others, that is a choice, and to my mind not a likable one. But you do you.

I think the way you feel should be abnormal but fair play to you for being honest. I’d like to know who feels like this and who doesn’t but most people pretend to be kind and caring of others when really they don’t care at all.

I absolutely care about people who are strangers, I’d help someone if I can see they need it. I personally feel charity is mostly a spin to make people feel better about themselves.

Not to be over the top but I would actually think that people who feel like this, a distinct lack of empathy for others, would be suffering from a personality disorder.

'Falling to bits' is an extreme example and isn't the only alternative to not caring. I am not like you, OP. Five minutes ago I read about the Liverpool footballer who died, aged 28 and recently married. I felt a prick of emotion, even though I didn't know him. I feel angry and sad for people who suffer through no fault of their own. I don't go around looking for sad stories or wallowing and I'm a generally positive, cheerful person. But I care when I hear or see people in difficulty, especially if it's not their fault. I think we're all different but I reckon that's an significant part of who I am.

I do think maybe you need to work on your empathy a bit, OP, but you are not an evil person or anything obviously. You are how you are. And you are very honest which is good, not a hypocrite.

Following on from this, I am interested to know, can you enjoy fictional drama etc, is it possible to enjoy it if you can't empathise with the characters etc? Same with reading. I can sometimes feel the character's emotions quite intensely - for example yesterday I was watching a recent drama where a woman found out her son died and she was sobbing, my eyes filled up immediately. (This only happens if the writing and acting is good and believable though.). So would that mean nothing to you then?

If so, it's a shame for you because you are missing out, must be like not being able to taste certain flavours or see colours etc. On the other hand, you are protected from too much distress I suppose.

I think it is relatively normal to be desensitised to certain - the problem is we are being constantly exposed to bad news. However, it sounds like you have problem with empathy and compassion. Truthfully, I do not care about random colleagues or stranger but can empathy if they are in a diffcult situation.

I'm the absolute exact same. The people who react to that as if that's shocking are lying and virtue signalling.

I don't know how helpful this will be, and I'm also aware that it's potentially harmful to suggest neurodivergence as the root of any socially off-piste thinking - however; I have both ADHD and autism (diagnosed and medicated) which massively impacts my emotions and how I process/express them.
I'm not great at explaining things, so forgive me for the list - it's to stop me rambling. Anyway:

I don't ask questions/probe around other people's business. I always wait for their choice to tell me/share or not. This has come across as not caring in the past, but I'm actually respecting their privacy to my mind. I do care, I just never want anyone to feel obligation to tell me things.

I don't gossip, but am confided in. This has annoyed people when they find out I knew something but didn't tell them. It wasn't my thing to tell, and trust is important.

I don't care what anyone else is doing unless it directly impacts me or negatively impacts someone else unjustly. I'm not interested.

I don't miss people - even people I love very much. I thought I was a psychopath for this until my diagnosis.

I get upset extremely upset about the suffering of animals but not humans (in the news). However, if someone in my life is distressed I feel it physically as well as emotionally.

People who don't know me have definitely thought me cold in the past, but the reality is I have almost unbearably huge feelings about other things, just not those.