Is it normal to feel completely indifferent to strangers' lives?

[AmusedTaupePlayer]

Hi all,
Bit of an odd one, but I’ve been thinking about this lately and wondering if anyone else relates.
I’ve noticed that unless someone is part of my life — family, close friends, maybe a few colleagues — I just don’t feel anything about what happens to them. Whether it’s good or bad. Someone winning the lottery, getting cancer, becoming homeless, whatever — I can understand it matters, but on a personal level, I feel nothing. Take homelessness — I get that it’s awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but emotionally, I don’t care. It doesn’t affect me. I don’t feel moved by it.
It’s not that I’m unkind or malicious. I just feel emotionally neutral about people I don’t know.
I suspect more people feel like this than let on, but whenever I’ve hinted at it, people react like I’m some sort of sociopath. So if it’s that common, why is it such a taboo to say out loud?
Is this just how emotional bandwidth works? Or is something off?
Genuinely curious — would love to know if others feel the same but just don’t talk about it.

Because you obviously lack empathy. Most people do possess some degreee of that, hence the upset at Diogo Jota's death for example because he was young and left a newly wedded wife and children. And people instinctvely feel for them.

I mean, I guess because of the way you are phrasing that.

you have also contradicted yourself a fair amount, you said in another post that you do give to charity…

i would also add that there is a very big gap between something not making you feel anything on an emotional level, and outright not caring. The former is where a lot oh humanity lie, the latter does sound like someone with a personality disorder of sorts (in my totally non professional opinion).

Me? I cry when I see a stray animal abroad, a bird in a cage stings my soul and I have to turn off the news of footage of Gaza, because I find it so upsetting… I can’t relate, but I am sure many many can

The amount of people saying this is normal is quite startling to me. The more I have read (especially the bit about your partner hypothetically getting cancer and not feeling sad when your loved ones cry) the more I am quite sure this isn’t typical. You could speak to a mental health professional. Not sure that there is any support available (nor sure you are looking for any) but a diagnosis might be interesting and useful

Same. I was also disturbed by the partner getting cancer. Like why would you even be in a relationship like that, but perhaps they are both a bit stumped emotionally.

I think what you are describing is unusual and could be considered sociopathic…. A different upbringing and maybe those sociopathic tendencies would turn into something more sinister.

This is a typical example though, of the performative grief discussed upthread. I heard the reports of Diogo Jota's death and that he was recently married with young children, and had a fleeting pang of sadness for a young life lost and the ramifications for his family. No more than that. It was only when I read the news report on the BBC later that I realised his young brother was also killed in the accident. Yet very few of those with grief on display all over SM even mentioned his brother. And there hasn't been a massive public outpouring of grief for the poor children in the US caught up in the flooding. It's like Princess Diana all over again - it never seems to be about a tragic and untimely death, heaven knows there are dozens of those every day - but more about publically being so, so affected, and feeling it so, so deeply, and sharing it so, so emotionally.

Does this mean that some are worthy of overwhelming grief, emotion and sadness and others aren't?

The lack of reaction to your actual loved ones suffering in your presence is more unusual. I guess it's something that you can't help if you're like that but I personally wouldn't want a partner that couldn't emphasize with my suffering. It would make me want to avoid showing any vulnerability in the face of that person's indifference which isn't much use for a relationship.

I'd feel really concerned for any children raised by a parent like that as well. That must mess you up.

So sorry for your loss 💐

Maybe when you are crying for your cat, you are also crying for all the losses. We are human and there's only so much we can bear. As a PP pointed out, we develop resilience because without we would be overwhelmed by all the tragedies we hear about. But then something happens that is too awful, and the floodgates open.

It's natural, and maybe it's necessary in order to eventually heal.

I think this is precisely how emotional bandwidth works. The range will be wider or narrower for each person, and even for a single person at different times in their life. And we can turn empathy on or off - thus the success of world religions, which give those of us who aren't saints the daily task of attempting to expand our empathetic range. Christianity, for example, wouldn't need to keep telling us to 'love thy neighbour as thyself' if everyone was already doing it; in order to keep the customers coming back they've picked probably the hardest thing to ask people to do. So perhaps you're only unusual, OP, in your willingness to examine your own feelings (and some psychologists say that empathy towards oneself is the best way to start developing empathy for others). And of course the reason any given person feels a bit numb could be anything, from any of a host of MH issues to media overload.

I'm the bleeding-heart type. The other day I was reading the news while eating dinner, as one does, and started crying over some news item - so many to choose from these days that I don't even remember what it was. I was reading through this news story and full-on sobbing over the bombed children in Ukraine or the starving children in Gaza or the sick children dying because of Trump's aid cuts - but then I noticed that, the entire time, I hadn't stopped shovelling food into my face, and I'd actually finished my dinner. And after dinner I did not rush to look up where to donate; instead I wandered off and, IIRC, watched 'Your Garden Made Perfect'. So feeling moved by things doesn't automatically make you a better person!

(Also, just to note, even Christians don't agree that it's necessary to love thy neighbour as thyself. Cf US vice-president JD Vance's recent doctrinal disagreement with the late pope:

JD Vance's interpretation of the Catholic doctrine of "ordo amoris" (order of love) has sparked debate, particularly in relation to immigration policy. Vance suggests that love should be ordered, prioritizing family, then community, then nation, before extending to the wider world. Some commentators on Vox and Compact Magazine have supported this view, while others, including Pope Francis, have disagreed, emphasizing the universal call to love and the importance of the Good Samaritan parable in breaking down boundaries of love.)

Ohime, great post, thank you.

Anxiety sloth: It's totally normal OP and everyone feels the same. Those who claim they don't are just virtue signalling

This is 100% perception bias. The only people whose feelings you know about are the ones who broadcast them on social media, or who tell you about them. But you have no idea what everyone else is feeling.

Many, many people are moved by sad stories in the news and in other people's lives, but they don't sound off about it. That doesn't mean they don't exist!

But why are public figures like him and Princess Di worthy of this performative grief instead of your neighbour etc.

Well, indeed. I honestly don't know. For someone genuinely empathetic, I would think all deaths, tragedies, sadness are equal. No man is an island and all that.

For those sociapaths amongst us, the tragedies affecting our nearest and dearest are far more important and grief inducing.

I was thinking about this the other day. I am the opposite - I am really interested in other. If we are at a hotel at least some of my adult children and I will be trying to work out who everyone is, who is with whom, what are they like - just fascinating. Other people are really interesting.

I had not heard of the football star until this week and it is very sad. In terms of what newspaper articles I might read about strangers sometimes I will read them and sometimes not - I have not read about the footballer as not really one of my interests.

'I am really interested in other. If we are at a hotel at least some of my adult children and I will be trying to work out who everyone is, who is with whom, what are they like - just fascinating. Other people are really interesting.'

Other people are endlessly fascinating, but it doesn't mean I'm emotionally invested in them.

I think I find it easier to get emotionally invested in people I find interesting. I'm really rubbish at my relationships with acquaintances that stay as acquaintances, I struggle to stay interested and to really give a damn. Whereas someone I can follow online, who is interesting and open about what's going on emotionally in their life (or at least a decent illusion) I find much easier to get invested in.

Yes, feeling indifferent to most people is quite normal. It boils down to friend, foe, or indifference.

Hmm- yes, but the OP has said that they are also indifferent about their close friends unless their suffering directly impacts them. Not sure we can normalise that particularly. Not saying they are wrong/a bad person, but it’s not typical human behaviour

There are different levels of empathy and caring about others, it’s not an all in or all out situation, and the only people who can’t grasp that are those on here who say they don’t have it. It’s a bit of a waste trying to explain it, it would be like someone explaining to me why football is the most important thing in their life, I’d understand the words they were using but I’d never understand why anyone would be that invested in a football team.

I think you’re talking about my post and you’ve misinterpreted it. Me not feeling emotion at someone else’s problem doesn’t mean I don’t care. I do, intellectually, and I’m actually very practical and helpful in a crisis. Or I can do the whole just sit and listen thing. Like I said earlier I could actually do that for hours and hours because I’m not personally affected by someone else’s trauma so I don’t feel like I have to set a limit. I won’t be feeling someone else’s pain or crying. If your preferred form of support to you suffering is someone crying along with you, then no, I wouldn’t be the person for that (and I’d hate it if someone started crying over my problems).

This is very true. I’m the one who doesn’t feel emotions but I donate and volunteer with several charities. Go figure.

I think it's normal to care about those close to you the most, so maybe children, partner, close family and friends, other friends, extended family etc.

No-one can process all the worlds problems after all, and we can't help everyone.

However, I think to completely lack empathy and be unable to put yourself in another person's place and see their point of view is unusual. Maybe you're a sociopath. Research suggests between 1 and 4% of people are.

I'm no fan of performative crying either but sharing in the joys and pains of the people I'm close to is something that I couldn't do without. I don't think it makes you a bad person at all, it's just something that wouldn't work for everyone.