Is it normal to feel completely indifferent to strangers' lives?

[AmusedTaupePlayer]

Hi all,
Bit of an odd one, but I’ve been thinking about this lately and wondering if anyone else relates.
I’ve noticed that unless someone is part of my life — family, close friends, maybe a few colleagues — I just don’t feel anything about what happens to them. Whether it’s good or bad. Someone winning the lottery, getting cancer, becoming homeless, whatever — I can understand it matters, but on a personal level, I feel nothing. Take homelessness — I get that it’s awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but emotionally, I don’t care. It doesn’t affect me. I don’t feel moved by it.
It’s not that I’m unkind or malicious. I just feel emotionally neutral about people I don’t know.
I suspect more people feel like this than let on, but whenever I’ve hinted at it, people react like I’m some sort of sociopath. So if it’s that common, why is it such a taboo to say out loud?
Is this just how emotional bandwidth works? Or is something off?
Genuinely curious — would love to know if others feel the same but just don’t talk about it.

This interesting take. I don't think we do lives in an empathic world. Stoicism is it place but so does have emotions and feelings.

Me too!

Hmmm.. that's definitely not my normal. Bad things happening to people, whether they are close, on the periphery of my social life or involve people that I have never met and only read about in the papers genuinely upset me and I feel a lot of empathy for them.

I used to work in a city and walk past homeless people every day. Always tried to give one of them something to eat or drink; a lot of them were not much older than my adult children. I worked in an hotel on reception and always remember one freezing December evening around Christmas time a lovely lady and her young son came in with a young homeless lad. They wanted to pay for a room for him. They were honest about the situation. I heavily discounted the room rate and was critisised by the cleaners for allowing him to stay (because of the smell in the room the following morning) but IDGAF then and still don't. That lad might had died that night in the cold. They had already been turned away from a few other local hotels.

The mum explained to me afterwards that her child had wanted to do this instead of having a Christmas gift. I thought that was just wonderful.

I definitely don’t feel this way but fear that you are right and it is a common thing. I live in London and the way people behave completely oblivious to those around them makes me think that a lot of people simply don’t care about anyone other than themselves. It’s very sad and sorry to say I don’t think it’s strictly ‘normal’. Have you always felt this way, even as a young adult? I’m actually the opposite to you in that I don’t give to charity, simply as I know a lot of funds aren’t used in the way I would want my donation to be used, but I feel sadness, empathy and care even for strangers and if I had the means I would directly help anybody who needed it. I also pay a lot of attention to what people around me are doing, move out of the way to let people pass, say thank you/sorry when necessary etc, care what people think of me - I’m interested if you feel any of this or it goes hand in hand with an empathy for others? As I’ve also noticed that most people in central London at least don’t even do these things!

Yet, I’m guessing if you for any reason needed charity like a food bank, you gratefully accept it! Even if things don’t directly impact you you can still show compassion, however people like you are what is so wrong with society now !

I don't think that you understood that person's post. They weren't saying that we live in an empathetic world. They said that performative emotionalism is social currency.

I hate to trot out this MN classic but do you have any neuro-diversity going on OP? I'm quite similar to you and it's definitely related to my ASD. My mum used to be horrified that I didn't cry along with her at things like starving children in Africa. I'm just not emotionally wired that way.

It's a useful trait - I'm amazing in a crisis for example. My DC is currently in hospital - had major surgery today having been knocked over by a car. It's been a tough few days but I haven't shed any tears. Not because I don't love my child (I absolutely do) but because crying doesn't serve any purpose. It's just not a "me" thing to do. On the rare occasion I do cry, it's usually fueled by anger rather than sadness.

no reaction needed.. i just don't unuderstand social norms

That was the defence used by some in the SWWar. Some said they didn't know what was happening in the Camps, it didn't affect them directly and they did nothing. Maybe we are collectively suffering from 'compassion fatigue'. Ads showing people (esp children) in distress are designed to tug at heartstrings - rather like the backstories in 'realty programmes'

I do have autism

I think it is a symptom of our society. Empathy is an old fashioned concept that really should underpin how we, as humans, care about each other. Maybe I'm on my own here but I try to see that everyone should be treated with kindness even if their lives have no direct impact on mine.

@AmusedTaupePlayer there you go then. We don't get social norms in the same way NT people do. I'm fairly good at faking it though, having been observing NT people for nearly 50 years.

I have to admit though, sometimes I can't be bothered to fake it. This is me, it's who I am and how my brain works. People love my level-headedness and problem solving skills but this is the other side of that coin.

I think this is really interesting OP. I'm always quite amazed by the number of people I know who seem to lack the small amount of imagination required to place themselves in someone else's shoes and consider how they would feel and what they would do if they ever found themselves in a similar position. I have to add that none of them are bad people and I know that I could count on them for support if ever I needed it, but they can't seem to process abstract emotions.
In fact, I think it's a huge problem at the moment, which manifests itself in societal attitudes to big issues such as immigration and welfare benefits. We see this playing out every day on Mumsnet whenever these and other such topics are being discussed and some of the comments are truly vile.

On the other hand, the level of empathy shown to some posters who relate their dire circumstances on these boards is really heartwarming - there were two such posts on Saturday morning that received so many kind, wise and loving responses.

Maybe it's simply that there is so much wrong with this world at the moment and so many people are struggling just to keep their heads above water, that they simply can't allow themselves the luxury of considering the far worse plights of others and have simply blocked their ability to recognise anything extraneous. Of course, we all have to do that to some degree to protect our own mental health, but perhaps some people are simply better at doing it than others and maybe you are amongst them OP? If so, that just might make you sensible rather than any sort of monster!

I don't understand the people who claim to not understand the OP. She isn't saying that she doesn't care about anyone: she is just saying that she doesn't get upset at the plight of people whom she has never met and never will meet. She said that she can feel sorry for them on sm intellectual level but not actually cry or feel grief at their tragedies. I don't understand how that is anything but completely normal.
ETA. I'm neurotypical.

Sociopathy is common so just because others feel the same doesn’t mean it isn’t that.
what you’re describing sounds like very limited emotional depth to me. It is what it is, but personally it’s not a trait I admire in others. Good to explore it though, and consider the implications
I’m the other way, I feel peoples pain when I see it to the extent that it can make life difficult sometimes. hyperempathy. I have to keep a check on that.
I believe there is some new evidence emerging around mirror neurons and how this can affect our experience of seeing other people in pain, could well be that it’s simply a result of how your brain is wired.

Not all autistic people lack empathy though. I’m autistic and dyspraxic and great in a crisis because I become very practical(Partly as a coping method) but I also have a lot of empathy. Probably hyper-empathy in my case which can be overwhelming at times. I’m far from unique in that.

Can you imagine if all of humanity felt the same as you? I understand this is your core personality, but you seem quite affronted that others are not like you.
Empathy is needed in this World. Just because you haven’t got any doesn’t give you the right to decry it.

I cant even watch fictional dramas, they bore the life out of me
No movie, tv series has ever made me cry that i can remember
I know they fake.

But even news stories dont get me
I watch true crime cos its fascinating, like to try guess the killer before it comes out, bit of gore and i dont feel sad at the end
I just move on to whatever my brain seeks next like 'that was interesting, 'oohh footy is starting' i dont dwell on what i watched

You are very cold hearted.

I don’t know how anyone can’t be touched when they see images of injured or orphaned children in war torn countries, just as one example.

Overpopulated planet will do that to you!

Empathy and an ability to act from an emotional connection with another is foundational to human and, to some extent, mammalian survival. Its how a social animal family and group maintains survival for wounded members and manages difficult conditions as a group. If you don’t have the wherewithal to experience that it still should be obvious to you how it operates in society generally. Empathy and charity are also deeply linked with justice and equity and fairness which are important values in a democracy or a multi racial or highly diverse society. For this reason equity snd compassion and empathy are often strongly discouraged in a fascist society or an autocracy. See eg 1984 or Umberto Eco’s essay “Ur Fascism.”

Do you then petition our government not to sell arms to the perpetrators?

Main thing is to look after yourself and your loved ones. The rest will be looked after, or if you come into some cash you can do your bit to help. But charity begins at home

Have you taken a sociopathy or psychopathy test on line? I’m not suggesting this applies to you, but I wonder how you will score if completed honestly. Your performance indicates to me that you are going through the motions, performing but you do not care about anything that doesn’t directly impact you.

It is unusual. Most people are moved by the suffering of others.

It’s herd mentality and a primitive desire to survive. Humans don’t feel emotion for anything they don’t have a real attachment to, either personally or by association. For example, I’m standing at the traffic lights and a truck fatally mows down a cyclist. The shock of witnessing this makes me react on a primitive level in horror and shock. This is more about me though, I’m shocked at the experience but not necessarily in sorrow for the victim. I will likely say how tragic and awful the incident was but again, it’s really about me and I’m just saying what I need to the have the validation or protection of the herd. I’d feel real emotion if I’d seen a puppy run over, it’s complex.