Is it normal to feel completely indifferent to strangers' lives?

[AmusedTaupePlayer]

Hi all,
Bit of an odd one, but I’ve been thinking about this lately and wondering if anyone else relates.
I’ve noticed that unless someone is part of my life — family, close friends, maybe a few colleagues — I just don’t feel anything about what happens to them. Whether it’s good or bad. Someone winning the lottery, getting cancer, becoming homeless, whatever — I can understand it matters, but on a personal level, I feel nothing. Take homelessness — I get that it’s awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but emotionally, I don’t care. It doesn’t affect me. I don’t feel moved by it.
It’s not that I’m unkind or malicious. I just feel emotionally neutral about people I don’t know.
I suspect more people feel like this than let on, but whenever I’ve hinted at it, people react like I’m some sort of sociopath. So if it’s that common, why is it such a taboo to say out loud?
Is this just how emotional bandwidth works? Or is something off?
Genuinely curious — would love to know if others feel the same but just don’t talk about it.

Well, what does it say about you that another life needs to have some actual impact on yours for you to have any emotion about it? Doesn't it make your inner life rather restricted? But maybe you mean something different by 'emotionally I don't care'. I mean, I don't sit about weeping about the homeless or Gaza, but I donate to a local soup kitchen, pass on DS's old toys to someone who runs a creche in an accommodation centre for asylum seekers, and eat at a local restaurant run by Palestinians who routinely specify days where all profit goes to MSF for work in Gaza and the like. Ethically it matters to me, but I'm not crying about it.

Yeah I am not crying about it either. And I do care about the environment, global poverty etc. enough to donate a few pennies but on an emotional level it doesn't bother me

I don’t think that’s an unusual emotion, and I feel the same to a degree. If we didn’t , then we’d all be broke because all our money would be given to charity, Gofundme campaigns etc, as we’d feel responsible for them. Also, we all only have a certain bandwidth of emotions we can cope with, and for many that’s family, friends and immediate community.

I don't think that's common, but equally it's not like you can control it and you say you care about people in your life so it just is what it is

then why do i get told off for saying i don't care and won't give to charity

I think this why 'sob stories' work on charity ads. If they just said 'there's a boy in a village in Yemen - he's hungry and has had a traumatic life', you wouldn't really care on an emotional level because you can't imagine him as an individual. But if they show you a video of a cute boy, tell you his name, life story, current struggles, show you his bones poking out because he's undernourished... you connect with him more.
It is very difficult to care emotionally about a faceless person you know nothing about, especially if they are from a different/distant culture so you can't easily put yourself in their shoes.

But... even though I don't care emotionally I do donate a decent percentage of income to global charities. I do it because I care on an intellectual/logical level. I know there are people out there suffering and I know they have human feelings equal to mine and I know I can help them.

On an intellectual level, I know it, but can't bring myself to care. Why should I? It has nothing to do with me.

Then stop saying it out loud then you won't get "told off

Why is this even a social norm?

I think this is normal - well, it certainly is for me. Unless something directly impacts me I don’t have any emotion about it (unless it’s animal cruelty, that’s the only thing that can make me cry). Even if things happen to close friends or family, I don’t feel actual emotion unless I’m affected somehow. Like seeing my partner crying doesn’t automatically make me cry.

That doesn’t mean I don’t care. Rationally, logically and theoretically I do. Like the pp I donate to various charities and volunteer with causes I care about.

I actually think it’s useful not to fall to bits over other people’s trauma. I feel there are people who, if you tell them your house just burnt down with your family in it, would start crying with you, and others who would say right, come and stay with me, I’ll help you fill out the forms and make the phone calls. I’m the latter, I can be helpful practically because I’m not encumbered by emotion.

I don’t know that it is that common. At least I hope not. I find humans depressing enough as it is. There are limits to how much you can worry and care as you’d go insane but I really cannot understand having no empathy at all. I find that unsettling and I wouldn’t choose to spend time around someone with no empathy. You may not be able to help it, OP but I don’t think that it’s the norm.

In answer I would say to feel no emotions about people whom you don't know or care about ever is unusual. I am assuming you don't expect anyone who doesn't know or care about you to show you any compassion either.

No i do not.

I'm not entirely sure I understand what you mean by no emotion. Let's take homelessness for example - I DO feel sorry for homeless people. I might wonder what happened in their lives that they're now homeless, or if they have loved ones somewhere who worry about them. I think that means I care.

Am I lying awake at night thinking about it? Or donating all my spare cash? Or inviting a homeless person to live with me? No.

I think it's also quite normal to have a more emotional reaction to things that are close to you. It's why hearing about a child with cancer in your child's school is more impactful than a child with cancer who is just part of th ebroader community. That doesn't mean I don't feel sad for the other child, just that the emotional impact is greater.

This is a bit different to caring intellectually but not feeling emotion. Saying you don’t care at all, even on a theoretical level, about global poverty or whatever does sound a bit dickish.

But you've said in a previous post that you do give to charity. Which is it?

I do give to charity out of obligation. but i'd really not want to

Well no, why would they? If you told some random stranger that I (for example) lost my job, had a limb amputated, my partner died and I was diagnosed with cancer they might think wow that’s a lot but I wouldn’t expect them to feel any emotion or give it any more than a fleeting thought. I’m just one of millions of people. If I came across a crying, hurt or otherwise incapacitated stranger in the street, though, I would (and have) stop to help.

Many things can move us emotionally in the moment, when we see or hear about them, but not worrying about a stranger's life beyond that fleeting moment is a reasonably normal response.

You can show empathy without actually feeling it. Most people don’t actually care how you feel as long as you act appropriately.

I think I probably feel the same as you - sometimes I care very deeply about things and then at other times I don’t care at all even though common consensus is that everyone should be weeping and wailing about it.

If you have no emotions why the concern about being told off?

If you don't care and haven't just posted something that came into your head for well whatever, if you have no emotions just do what you want, say what you want to whomever you like because you don't care if they get offended or dislike you anyway. So what does this matter

The reasons it's a social "norm" are complex but much available to read in depth about it if it's a subject you are truly interested in apart from mumsnet posts.

I have a friend who is the other way. She ‘can’t stop crying “ about xyz and I just cannot engage with it. Im sure she really feels that way ,but I dont and I dont see why I have to pretend that I do.

I think I’m quite an unemotional person, I rarely cry and am much more rational and logical.

However, I wouldn’t say that I don’t care about anyone that doesn’t impact me, so I do think your level of detachment is quite unusual.

In a way it’s actually quite nice to be the caring one in the ‘room’ for a change!

I do care and can empathise, if I read a story about something terrible happening in the news then there’s definitely a small twinge of “ugh…that’s awful…that poor person”. I just don’t get properly upset and it doesn’t stay with me when I move on.

I find that I easily get much more upset about animals.

Part of me thinks my lesser emotional reaction to other people is due to childhood trauma - I witnessed DV and I think my brain turned down my emotional response to my DM being upset to protect itself.

Did you have anything similar OP?

Yes would like an in-dive read. Also I care cos I don't want 2 lose friends/connections due to it.

Well, no one is going to know, either way, unless you tell them. Unless by 'charity' you mean sponsoring your colleague to run a marathon for some charitable cause?