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Original poster

Adult children

109 replies

ThisHazelPeer · 01/07/2025 15:08

Hi just wondering if anyone else has adult children still living at home? I am 60 and have 3 adult children. The oldest is 40 and has left home. The other 2 are 38 & 31 & have never left home. They have all worked full time from the day they left school at 16 but they show no sign of wanting to leave home. I'm fed up of the cooking cleaning washing ironing & picking up after them. I thought by now I would be free of the "mum" constraints and be able to enjoy my own life but I'm stuck in this mothering loop that I first entered when I was 20. When I ask if they will ever want a place of their own I just get a shrug of the shoulders & the "I can't afford it" line. I have no life or privacy. I feel asthough this will be my life until I die. I have told them that I would like to see all my kids living independently before I die but they don't want to listen. Help...

OP posts:
Beautifulcreatures2 · 01/07/2025 15:10

Give them a deadline to leave or move to a one bedroom flat. You need to assert yourself as they are taking the piss. Why are you picking up after them anyway? They should be doing their own laundry and cooking as well as cleaning .

Original poster
ThisHazelPeer · 01/07/2025 15:37

I did try to teach them to do laundry & cook but it's a small kitchen & we were just in each other's way. I like a clean & tidy house too whereas they aren't bothered and I'm not about to live like a slob so I just tidy up as I go along. The constant arguments and nagging to get them to do anything gets me down.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 01/07/2025 15:42

Jeezo, they are in their thirties, and have never left home?! No way my mother would have stood for that, lol. Although why you are cooking/cleaning for them is beyond me. Of course they are staying, you are making life there way too easy. Give them a timescale for moving and mean it op. If you don’t, you’ll likely to stuck with them forever. It’s time to tell them to stand on their own two feet - don’t listen to arguments, guilt-tripping, etc, just tell them.

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jannier · 01/07/2025 15:43

I don't get why they didn't take responsibility as older primary teenagers were they never given chores? My 11 year old learned to cook at scouts and took responsibility for 1 simple tea. They did their own laundry from leaving school and we're expected to cook at least once a week if not twice...two kids...and clean up after cooking. If you dnont cook you wash up and put away. Don't do it move out.

jannier · 01/07/2025 15:44

ThisHazelPeer · 01/07/2025 15:37

I did try to teach them to do laundry & cook but it's a small kitchen & we were just in each other's way. I like a clean & tidy house too whereas they aren't bothered and I'm not about to live like a slob so I just tidy up as I go along. The constant arguments and nagging to get them to do anything gets me down.

How much do they pay you?

tennissquare · 01/07/2025 15:44

Get your house valued and start looking for 1 bedroom flats.

OddBoots · 01/07/2025 15:45

They need to know that if they are going to stay in the family home then it is their turn to look after you - they are in charge of shopping, cooking and cleaning. You have done your bit and at 60 it's time you put your feet up.

I am not saying you are incapable at 60, you sound anything but, but them still being there at this stage needs serious measures.

Parky04 · 01/07/2025 15:45

My 2 DS 25 & 23 still live at home. They do their own washing, food buying and cooking (including clearing up). They are the rules, if they don't like them then they can move out!

Makingpeace · 01/07/2025 15:45

they show no sign of wanting to leave home. I'm fed up of the cooking cleaning washing ironing & picking up after them.

Why would they, when they have live-in chef and housekeeping? What's the incentive to leave?

justkeepswimingswiming · 01/07/2025 15:46

Tell them they are far to old to be living at home with you and its time they move out and give them a time
limit. Why are you cleaning up after a 38 year old thats just the ultimate laziness.

YellowGrey · 01/07/2025 15:46

Ultimatum time. If they can't do their share of the cooking, cleaning and laundry they have to leave. Would you want to sell the house and move somewhere smaller? If so, do it!

I have lots of sympathy for young people in their 20s struggling to move out but less so when they hit their 30s and are still behaving like kids.

Olivesforteatonighty · 01/07/2025 15:47

Give them notice. Don’t mess about, absolutely make sure they know you’re serious.

To be honest, why would they look at moving out when they have a slave doing everything for them? Kindly, you are being taken for a mug.

latetothefisting · 01/07/2025 15:48

Yanbu. It is expensive to move out but if they've worked for 28 years they've had plenty of time to save up. People pay off full mortgages in that time! They could always get somewhere together if they can't afford it on their own.

DramaAlpaca · 01/07/2025 15:49

I have a 27 year old living at home, my last one in the nest, but he's very independent, does his own thing, cooks for himself and does his own laundry. He's actually a pleasure to have around and DH and I will miss him when we are rattling around the place on our own. I don't charge him board as he chips in with the housework.

ilovebagpuss · 01/07/2025 15:49

You need to sit them down and say you are selling and downsizing to the coast/city whatever YOU want for your own retirement years.
Can you rope the 40 Yr old in as moral support?
I would move straight to this option none of the get them to do more stuff will work if they are still bumming off you at this point and allowing you to mother them.
No arguments you are listing the property and move.

CherryYellowCouch · 01/07/2025 15:52

You are making a martyr of yourself.

There is absolutely no reason you should be cooking for them and doing their laundry.

You shouldn’t be cleaning their rooms or picking up after them.

Stop cooking, stop doing laundry. Make sure you are charging them properly and make up a schedule of shared chores, bathroom
rota etc.

You should have started this when they were teens, but given you didn’t you should start it today.

if they won’t comply, they need to move out.

Beamur · 01/07/2025 15:52

The three of them could house share.
Time for you to drop the rope. Stop doing the jobs. Makes them fend for themselves. Go on strike!

Original poster
ThisHazelPeer · 01/07/2025 15:52

They pay £50 a week but they have packed lunches for breakfast & dinner then a cooked tea every day. They work off site so it's necessary to take food with them at work.
I know it's not a great situation to be on. I left home & bought my house when I was 18 & I know it's harder for them now but I never imagined being in this situation at 60 but I would never force them out. I am hoping that they will eventually move out without me having to force them.

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 01/07/2025 15:53

You should never have allowed this situation to develop. From their early 20s you should have been encouraging them to save a deposit to rent, if not buy. There shoud have been a clear plan. I mean i understand how expensive it is for young people now, my 30 year old rents a studio flat, but much as he loves us there's no way he'd want to be still living at home!

CherryYellowCouch · 01/07/2025 15:54

Why on Earth can adults not make their own packed breakfasts/lunches?

I haven’t made a packed lunch for my teenagers since they were about 10.

CherryYellowCouch · 01/07/2025 15:55

I’d be very surprised if £200 a month covered your costs.

Wonderwall23 · 01/07/2025 15:55

I'm all for living at home to save up to move out (probably more than most Mumsnetters) but even I wouldn't get on board with this.

I think it's a question of thinking what you want and either saying that things need to improve or they move out, or actually (and this sounds like your preferred option) that it's time for them to move out regardless. It is absolutely fine to want your own space and they've had 15/20 years to save. Perhaps they could rent somewhere together.

It would be different if they actually pulled their weight, you enjoyed having them and it helped you financially.

ETA I've just seen they pay £50 a week. This is fine for a 20 year old in the short or medium term if they are saving really hard to get a deposit together. It's not fine for people to just live at home on minimal rent for the long term as just a subsidised way of life.

If they're living with you long term you need to charge a proper rent. But it really doesn't sound like you want this anyway.

Fratolish · 01/07/2025 15:55

I get that it's easier to clean yourself but why on earth are you cooking for them and doing their laundry?

Olivesforteatonighty · 01/07/2025 15:55

ThisHazelPeer · 01/07/2025 15:52

They pay £50 a week but they have packed lunches for breakfast & dinner then a cooked tea every day. They work off site so it's necessary to take food with them at work.
I know it's not a great situation to be on. I left home & bought my house when I was 18 & I know it's harder for them now but I never imagined being in this situation at 60 but I would never force them out. I am hoping that they will eventually move out without me having to force them.

Breaking news @ThisHazelPeer they’re not going anywhere. Who in their right mind would move out, when you are waited on hand and foot? #waytoocomfortable

OriginalUsername2 · 01/07/2025 15:58

If this was me I would move out myself! Leave them to it and start your life.

You need to say “There are __ full grown adults in this house. I’m not playing mum anymore.”