Adult children

[ThisHazelPeer]

Hi just wondering if anyone else has adult children still living at home? I am 60 and have 3 adult children. The oldest is 40 and has left home. The other 2 are 38 & 31 & have never left home. They have all worked full time from the day they left school at 16 but they show no sign of wanting to leave home. I'm fed up of the cooking cleaning washing ironing & picking up after them. I thought by now I would be free of the "mum" constraints and be able to enjoy my own life but I'm stuck in this mothering loop that I first entered when I was 20. When I ask if they will ever want a place of their own I just get a shrug of the shoulders & the "I can't afford it" line. I have no life or privacy. I feel asthough this will be my life until I die. I have told them that I would like to see all my kids living independently before I die but they don't want to listen. Help...

"Dear Adult DC, I've had enough and would like you to leave my house so that I can live alone. You have 3 weeks to find a new place and move out and no, I will not act as guarantor. Can't afford it? Move in together."

If my friends had this problem I would be saying the same as all of you but when it boils down to forcing your own kids out of their home it's very different. I was forced to be independent at a very young age and I never wanted this for my own kids but I now appreciate that I've made a rod for my own back but I couldn't force them out

I have a relative like this,her 40 year old ds moved back home after a marriage breakdown,treats her like dirt,pays a pittance,gets drunk (and worse) she has thrown him out several times and he weedless his way back in . she treats him like an 8 year old, she kept telling me to order her to not let him back I have tried, believe me! (I've just put on another site, she changes her bedding DAILY.
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I get that it's hard to kick your own kids out, whatever their age but couldn't you start by doing less for them? Make them less comfortable? Maybe start hinting about how great it is they live with you because they can care for you when you're older ...if they're the kind of people to be happy to watch their poor mum slave away after them I doubt they'd like that idea

They’re not children. They’re practically middle aged! You’d frankly be doing them a disservice not to force them to grow up and stand on their own two feet. 38, no additional needs and never lived out of home? Pays £50 a week despite working full time? That’s actually shocking, OP. They need to learn these life skills.

Give them one month’s notice to move out. They can rent in a house share or go together.

Have they never been in relationships?!

I know of a man who is nearly 60 who still lives with his mum.

Unfortunately I think you’ll struggle to just click your fingers and get them to move out, cheerfully, whilst thanking you for all you’ve done for them.

Would you consider moving house/ downsizing - it’s an opportunity for ‘all change’ and forces a natural end to all of this.

So they just about pay for food....if that, get full maid and butler service....why move out. Are they on minimum wage? Why paying so little? A room in my area is £800 a month you do own food and washing and a cleaning rota. Get tough say enough is enough your taking the piss.

Do you make their packed lunches too? 😳 That’s insane. They should be paying 4 times that rent - then they might fuck off!

So basically you're their maid, laundry maid and cook for less £ than a living wage?
Nope. Start looking for 1 bed places and give them a deadline to move out!

They aren't "practically middle aged at pushing 40.

But you are stopping them from having a proper life by facilitating them. They are not very young their almost too late.....who is going to want a relationship with adults who can't do simple easy tasks.....are they males?

You don’t have to force them out.

You just have to stop being a martyr and waiting on them hand and foot.

It’s for their benefit as well as yours. They aren’t currently fully functioning adults.

Start treating them like adult lodgers. They are responsible for their own meals and laundry and charge them a more reasonable amount of digs money.

Look at it this way. You are 60. Eventually you won’t be fit enough to do all this.

Eventually you might need to move into a care home and potentially sell your house.

What would happen if you died (many, many years in the future!). Would they be able to cope?
Would they become a burden to their other sibling?

Would the other sibling be deprived of their fair share on inheritance because there are two incompetent adults with a claim on the house.

I mean this kindly OP but, you say that you're forcing your kids out of their home; you're not; you're asking them to leave your home because currently you're doing them zero favours by letting them stay.

You're enabling the children you raised to be adults to be perpetual wasters. This may not be what you want to hear, but you need to hear it.

Just tell them you are getting too old to be running around after them. You want to make the most of your healthy years so you will be selling up and downsizing so you can have a bit of fun and see the world while you can . Not that I think 60 is ‘old’, similar age myself, but I do think it’s the time of life to be doing fun things while you are healthy.

£50 per week each! For god's sake, that wouldn't even pay for their food, OP. What are they spending their money on?

You need to sit them down and say "I'm sick of having to do all the housework here and subsidising you both. I'm giving you three months' notice. By the 1st October I need you to have found your own places to live. You can take the furniture from your rooms but that's it."

Then you have to stick to it. If you don't let them take their furniture it'll delay their department even longer. They won't like it, but you have to hold firm. Get your other child onside to deal with any moans and groans.

Are you renting or do you own your own place? I'd be tempted to put it up for sale and get a one-bed place, though I don't see why you should have to do that.

At £50 a week for board and lodging they are laughing all the way. £216 is probably less than half the rent on a room in a shared house.
And you do their cleaning and washing.
They must have money stashed in the bank of have frittered it away on toys
Just tell them to get a life and find somewhere to live
Give them a month, 1st of July today so they should vacate by 1st August.
Good luck

I thought by now I would be free of the "mum" constraints and be able to enjoy my own life but I'm stuck in this mothering loop that I first entered when I was 20.

Jesus. Even if you're allowing them to live under your roof, why on earth are you still in a "mothering" loop with constraints?! If my mum was still alive and I lived with her then we would live as housemates (in terms of the practical things). I lived with her at brief points in my 20s and even then we mostly ate separately, did our own washing, I cleaned my own room and bathroom and then we took turns in cleaning the rest of the house. Never in a million years would my mum have made me a packed lunch if I lived with her as an adult 😂I think that stopped when I was about 12-13 years old!!!

It genuinely comes across that you don't really want them to move out...

Oh and of course they can afford to move out if they're only paying you £50 a week!!! They've either got unreal savings (the older must have been working for the better part of 20 years FFS!) or they are pissing it up the wall.

You are doing them no favours to be honest.
Incapable man babies who don't pay their way are not in demand by willing partners.

I disagree. As you say, 38 is pushing 40. Life expectancy for men in the UK is around 79. So yes that’s pretty much dead on middle age I’d say. While there might not be a universally accepted age range for middle aged, generally 40-60 is when you’d expect to see physical changes associated with ‘middle age’.

In this context, it’s pretty sad that a 38 year old has his mummy doing everything for him and has never lived away or learned to be independent. It’s not attractive either, so surely their romantic life suffers too?

You cannot be serious. An almost 40 year old cannot do their own laundry?!?!

So what if it's a small kitchen?! Why do you all need to be in there together?

Everyone has their own laundry basket and their own night (or two) in the week to do laundry. If they are unable to do that then point in the direction of a launderette. Likewise with meals. You cook your own dinner. If they are unable to make a meal from scratch (which tbh is deeply disturbing when most teenagers are able to rustle up something) then tell them that the local Tesco / Aldi / Co-Op stocks ready meals. Or they can order a take-away with the bags of money they're saving every month.

Honestly, just stop babying them. This is insane.

So stop "cooking, cleaning, washing and ironng", OP. Just buy and cook food for yourself. They are absolutely taking the piss, and you need to grow a backbone. If they won't move out, put tje house on the market and buy a one-bedroom flat!

What does the one who has left home think about their siblings abusing you like this?

Part of the natural parenting process is nudging them out of the nest. You have one more job 😉

Thanks for all your thoughts. I won't force them out but I will try yet again to explain why I would like to see them living independently. I'm sure there are others like me out there who feel bit blackmailed into accepting the situation

I paid more than that for very basic student rent in a shared house in the early 00s.

At 38 and 31, working since age 16, that's 37 years in the workforce between them. That is more than the term of so many mortgages!!
They must be minted. Where is all their money? Your 38yo would have well over £200k surely, at least by now even if they only earnt 15k per annum for all this time....

Why is it your responsibility to make sure they have packed lunch, breakfast and dinner? What do they do for you?