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Original poster

Adult children

109 replies

ThisHazelPeer · 01/07/2025 15:08

Hi just wondering if anyone else has adult children still living at home? I am 60 and have 3 adult children. The oldest is 40 and has left home. The other 2 are 38 & 31 & have never left home. They have all worked full time from the day they left school at 16 but they show no sign of wanting to leave home. I'm fed up of the cooking cleaning washing ironing & picking up after them. I thought by now I would be free of the "mum" constraints and be able to enjoy my own life but I'm stuck in this mothering loop that I first entered when I was 20. When I ask if they will ever want a place of their own I just get a shrug of the shoulders & the "I can't afford it" line. I have no life or privacy. I feel asthough this will be my life until I die. I have told them that I would like to see all my kids living independently before I die but they don't want to listen. Help...

OP posts:
CatloverNY · 01/07/2025 17:51

Surely by there age they should have decent savings if only paying £50 a week rent ?
If not what are they doing with their money ?
stop doing anything for them id just cook for myself or start taking it in turns.
You are making it too easy for them.

Olivesforteatonighty · 01/07/2025 18:04

Delphiniumandlupins · 01/07/2025 16:45

If you don't force them to move out they are never going to. Why would they give up having you run round after them to look after themselves? Nobody wants less money and more work! They're not going to be attractive life partners to other people either.

If you want things to change, charge them a reasonable rent and make them do their share of cooking, cleaning, shopping and laundry. You might have to let standards slip a little, at first, and be prepared to keep on at them.

Or move your own partner in and have noisy sex.

This ^

CreosoteGirl · 01/07/2025 18:29

If you're feeling blackmailed by them, then you're being financially abused, OP. They could have saved for a huge deposit and had their own homes for many years. What would they do if tomorrow you simply stopped doing anything at all for them? Are you intimidated by them?

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Families
Ihopeyouhavent · 01/07/2025 18:31

Well more fool you for being their skivvy.

My boys can live here until their 60 , but they cook, clean, etc for themselves.

justkeepswimingswiming · 01/07/2025 18:31

So theyve paid £200 per month for nearly two decades and still dont have money to move out? They could of saved for an entire house without a mortage in some areas in the uk.

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 01/07/2025 18:40

Honestly @ThisHazelPeer if i was you I would be the one to move out! Let them stay there and learn to do their own cooking and washing and paying the bills etc and go get yourself a new lovely wee place.

I understand you not wanting to force them out so the only other option is for you to leave, once they finally learn independence you may get your home back but by then you might not even want it

B0D · 01/07/2025 18:44

I had a friend who moved out to do live in carer work to get away from her children. They were young adults though not 30’s.

if you no longer need to work could you do house / pet sitting there is a website you can use it’s like airbandb

annzen · 01/07/2025 18:55

Do they go out socialising, have fancy holidays, have celibate partners, buy clothes, spend money on things for themselves?

Chances are they are loaded and just want to enjoy life - at your expense of course.

If you don't want to move them on, then either move yourself or stick with it. You would dearly like a quiet peaceful life for yourself, so it is up to you. There are ways of doing it that won't come across as kicking them out. Think about the best way for you, because you should do it soon.

Remember your life is just as precious as theirs. Do not be afraid of them or their reaction, as I think that is one of the things holding you back. I think they need kind, well meant but determined action from you.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/07/2025 19:02

Various ways you could deal with this:

  1. Say you're too old to live like this and would like them both to move out, giving them 2 months notice.
  2. Increase their keep to £200 per week. What you're getting now probably doesn't even cover their food, little mind the electricity, water, and internet they use. £200 is completely reasonable so don't let them tell you otherwise. They are lodgers with a live in maid service, £50 does not come close to covering this.

I was going to give more options, but they would be of no benefit to you to be honest. Honestly, they are taking the piss. My sibling lived at home until she was nearly 40, I thought it was pathetic.

You need to decide what you actually want, do you want them to stay but pay more? Or do you want your home and space back, so want them out?

You need to find your backbone and don't be taking any shit from them. You own/rent the house, you call the shots. £50/wk when you pay for and do every thing for them is a fucking disgrace, shame on them.

Tumbler777 · 01/07/2025 19:07

Same lines as the others. First off increase their rent to at least £500 per month and start using online food shopping, get it all delivered. If too uncomfortable not cooking for them, get them cheap ready meals. They can get different if they want

Use the money to have a cleaner, nice meals out and lots of holidays until they decide to go. You do not have to discuss this with them, tell them.

marriednotdead · 01/07/2025 19:08

I have one at home, aged 28. When they began working full time, we discussed expectations and costs. They have no intention of moving out for now so pay less than market rents if they were to, but a decent share of the household running costs. I do not do their cooking, cleaning or laundry and we treat each other like respectful flatmates. There's a bit of flexibility here and there, I may hang out their washing if they're going out and I'm home.

Richiewoo · 01/07/2025 19:11

This is all of your own doing. You do everything for them. They pay next to nothing. Give them a deadline to get out.

Princessfluffy · 01/07/2025 19:15

This situation is of your own choosing OP and to be blunt I don’t think it’s great parenting.
Why can these adults not make their own pack lunches, take their turn in cooking the evening meal and do their share of laundry and cleaning?
Also, I doubt that £50 a week covers your costs, is there a reason why you have chosen to subsidise their lifestyle?

rosecoloured · 01/07/2025 19:25

My 22-year old would think I had lost it if I made him breakfast or lunch to take to work. 😂 He has his own flat now, but is happy we raised him to be capable of living his own independent life.

What ARE you doing OP? It’s not normal, you are not being a good parent here. It’s very odd.

MarshaMarshaMarsha · 01/07/2025 19:36

ThisHazelPeer · 01/07/2025 16:31

Thanks for all your thoughts. I won't force them out but I will try yet again to explain why I would like to see them living independently. I'm sure there are others like me out there who feel bit blackmailed into accepting the situation

Then I have absolutely no sympathy for you.

In the nicest possible way you need to grow a backbone and tell them some home truths.
They are taking the mickey out of you.

They must have saved a fortune so should easily have enough for a rental deposit for them all to share a property together seeing as they seem to be happy under the same roof as each other.

IberianBlackout · 01/07/2025 19:50

If you don’t want to explicitly tell them to move out, charge more.

Charge for everything: not only for the bills, but also for the food, labour and admin. Make them want to move out.

19ptrialprice · 01/07/2025 19:55

More fool you for making their food, cleaning, and washing up after them? Why on earth are making a nearly 40 year old a packed lunch. You have a mind, independent thoughts but have chosen to still keep doing this. I have no sympathy that you’ve put yourself in this position. Easiest solution is to stop.

jannier · 01/07/2025 19:55

Nothings going to change you don't really want to change it do you?

Are your boys your life?

RowsOfFlowers · 01/07/2025 19:59

Sorry OP, but you are enabling this behaviour.
Why in GODS name are you doing grown adults laundry, ironing and cooking?! Are you their live-in butler? I’m afraid you need to exercise some tough love now and set a deadline for them to move out, or you need to sell your property and downsize to a 1-2 bedroom flat or house. They are taking you for a ride!!

RowsOfFlowers · 01/07/2025 20:01

Tumbler777 · 01/07/2025 19:07

Same lines as the others. First off increase their rent to at least £500 per month and start using online food shopping, get it all delivered. If too uncomfortable not cooking for them, get them cheap ready meals. They can get different if they want

Use the money to have a cleaner, nice meals out and lots of holidays until they decide to go. You do not have to discuss this with them, tell them.

I still think this is too nice and very enabling!

Dumbo18 · 01/07/2025 20:02

Sounds similar to my MIL apart from she is 75 and has a 42 and 44 year old who have never left home 🙈 fully capable grown men who can hold down jobs - most of the time, still sleeping in single beds in box rooms at home. I do think she likes the company but fuck me I couldn’t do it! She does all the shopping, 90% of the cooking and all the washing!

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/07/2025 20:06

MarshaMarshaMarsha · 01/07/2025 19:36

Then I have absolutely no sympathy for you.

In the nicest possible way you need to grow a backbone and tell them some home truths.
They are taking the mickey out of you.

They must have saved a fortune so should easily have enough for a rental deposit for them all to share a property together seeing as they seem to be happy under the same roof as each other.

Show quote history

So you aren’t happy - understandably - but won’t ask them to go? Well you’ll be stuck then because why would they leave? They are taking the complete piss out of you! They are behaving like this because you let them! If you wont grow a backbone op, nothing is going to change…

user1471453601 · 01/07/2025 20:13

My adult child, their partner and I have lived together mostly amicably for 20+years.

The difference between my position and opening posters, is that child did leave home and did make a life for themselves separately for over 15:years.

When they came home, I was no longer the person who cooked and cleaned for them, and they both understood that was no longer my role.

My role was/is to be me, take it or leave it.

I love the bones of both of them, and now I'm old and a bit feeble, they take great care of me, something im extremely grateful for, and never take for granted.

bellamorgan · 01/07/2025 20:15

I mean £50 a week all their food, cleaner, maid, laundry service. Why would they leave.

Hell do you have a spare room? I’ll take turns cooking.

You need to up their rents to a minimum of a room in a shared house which is still a bargain for them as you provide food and laundry service.

With their increased rents they will either decide to leave or with your new found 1k ish extra a month so doubt. Be able to afford to be away from home much more.

£550 gets you a double room in a rough area of our city bills included.

pusspuss9 · 01/07/2025 20:16

why don't you charge them a few hundred pounds per month and save some of it for them for a deposit on a flat?