Adult children

[ThisHazelPeer]

Hi just wondering if anyone else has adult children still living at home? I am 60 and have 3 adult children. The oldest is 40 and has left home. The other 2 are 38 & 31 & have never left home. They have all worked full time from the day they left school at 16 but they show no sign of wanting to leave home. I'm fed up of the cooking cleaning washing ironing & picking up after them. I thought by now I would be free of the "mum" constraints and be able to enjoy my own life but I'm stuck in this mothering loop that I first entered when I was 20. When I ask if they will ever want a place of their own I just get a shrug of the shoulders & the "I can't afford it" line. I have no life or privacy. I feel asthough this will be my life until I die. I have told them that I would like to see all my kids living independently before I die but they don't want to listen. Help...

I'm afraid you have made a rod for your own back. I have DCs the ages of yours, more or less.

I would rather die a thousand deaths than live with them again! I love them dearly, we are in touch all the time, and we are very close, but I could not cope with them at home. They both left home at 18 for Uni and never really came back, apart from a 3 month period when one of them was in between accommodation and it was hell, and that was just 3 months!

I love love love seeing them as much as possible, but I couldn't live with them.

OP, you have to do something. To be honest, I'd move to a 1 bed flat.

I left home for good at 17, and wanted that independence and learning about life for my kids too. And that's what happened.

No. You don't explain, that doesn't work. You need to force them out!

You have to force the issue. I imagine you can explain till you're blue in the face but it will be water off a ducks back.

Please don't say you make their packed lunches... 🙈
There will be enough room for them in the kitchen if you're in the lounge with your feet up and a cuppa.

I mean, it's been unsuccessful for the last almost 20 years but yep, gently explaining why you would like to see them living independently will definitely sink in this time 😂

Not really sure why you posted for "help" on this forum and then completely ignored everyone's comments. I said in a PP but I feel like you actually like having them live with you so not sure why you bothered to ask for advice?

Reading the wording carefully of the OPs posts

When I ask if they will ever want a place of their own I just get a shrug of the shoulders & the "I can't afford it" line.

Screams out that she doesn't really want them gone (or if she does, is too scared to force the issue) so I think all of our advice is pointless tbh...

Agree.

Are they male or female I wonder?
Do you do their washing, wash their clothes and sheets? Do you make their lunches, and cook for them every day?

What do they do for you?

I often wonder why some people can't stand up to their adult children because in the long run they respect you far more for it. They are walking all over you OP. I would honestly feel I'd failed if I was in this position BUT it can be rescued if OP you push now.

Oh honestly OP, they are not suddenly going to see the light and move out of their own accord are they?

They must have saved a fortune paying a pittance to you.

Stop being so feeble. Either stand up for yourself and tell them it's time they moved out or say nothing and spend the rest of your life looking after middle aged 'children' while they wait for you to die so they can have the house for themselves.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but do they not have partners? I’m not surprised if not.. to those saying op should do less for them, I doubt they’d care.. the only thing I would say though is even though they’re adults, it’s much harder for them property-wise than it was for our generation.
That isn’t to say enough’s enough, you’ve most certainly done your bit.

I totally appreciate this is hard and it’s all good well everyone saying put them out but they are still your children, and it’s not helpful pointing out what you should have done - you know you’ve made a rod for your own back.

how about increasing their rent to 150 even 200 per week, and say this includes everything your doing now, if they don’t want to pay this they can start looking after themselves. If they don’t pay you need to be strong and not make their pack lunches or even buy the stuff for them to make them. If they leave stuff for you to pick up - dump it on their beds and shut the door, keep your space clean and tidy but not theirs.

At least if they are paying much more you can take yourself off for lovely treats at their expense!

good luck

Surely even if they’re working low paid jobs they could have saved enough by that age to buy a house?!

If you do let them stay longer then sit them down and tell them that they’re adults and need to start participating in paying an equal share of bills/food and to be doing all cooking /cleaning themselves. It’s unhealthy for them to be living like children at that age.

Why would they move out OP? You've given them no incentive and they are totally unprepared for adult life. Their friends and colleagues probably laugh at them behind their backs and any chance of a normal relationship is gone because of their living arrangements. It's awful, they have lost out on so much living.

If you don't ask it won't happen, if it was in their nature to be independent they would have left years ago. They are there for life and will never leave and you will continue to be their servant until you become incapacitated and then they will stay on in the house when you are either dead or in a home.. UNLESS you ask them now to move out. Give them a few months notice and in the interim do not do anything for them, this will help prepare them. This mess is entirely of your own making but you can also fix it.

Talk about failure to launch.

If you don't force them to move out they are never going to. Why would they give up having you run round after them to look after themselves? Nobody wants less money and more work! They're not going to be attractive life partners to other people either.

If you want things to change, charge them a reasonable rent and make them do their share of cooking, cleaning, shopping and laundry. You might have to let standards slip a little, at first, and be prepared to keep on at them.

Or move your own partner in and have noisy sex.

then hope must be your master. If you want therm to change behaviour lay down some rules, if you want them to leave then set a timescale otherwise another MN favourite, if you always do what youve always done them you will always get what you always got.

Or OP could tell them how very grateful she is that they are STILL at home and how much she is looking forward to them being her live-in carers in a couple of years, what fun they'll all have, then detail the intricacies of personal care needs of an older lady....

(I'm not suggesting OP will need live-in PC in a couple of years, just use as a tactic to get them out) 🤣

Stop being a martyr. Why don't you just put your house on the market and get a one bedroom flat. Do none of you have a social life ?

Super sorry OP but this is not the same kind of thread as “I have adult DC at home in their early 20s”. These threads appear with regularity on here and although I have limited sympathy for this I get why early 20s are still reliant on a parent. But not your case. 38 and 31 with years of working behind them to earn and save. You have no life or privacy because your children are taking advantage of you.

When is your life going to start and why do your kids think they can delay it?

Sell your current home and buy a 1 bed. You have one life!

I think you need to sit down with them, when you are not feeling frazzled, and have a very honest conversation.
Explain this is your home that you have worked hard to pay for and decorate and organise in a way that works for you. They are welcome to continue living in it if they truly don't feel they can afford a place of their own but from now on, it has to be with consistent respect for your house rules. And if they don;t like those rules, they need to look for a place of their own.

The rules are that they always pick up after themselves and if they forget, so you have to remind them, they never treat this as nagging but apologise and immediately do the job they left undone. Twice a week, they each cook healthy, balanced family meals that they shop for, and they ensure the food is on the table at a reasonable hour and they prioritise doing this on nights when it is their job. They also help wash up and clean the kitchen after they have cooked, so they learn not to use every pan in the house to create a mediocre pasta dish.

They each have two days when the washing machine is theirs and they need to keep on top of their laundry.

They each spend two hours a week on general household jobs like cleaning bathrooms, hoovering, washing windows, mowing lawns, bog grocery shops.

They split all household bills with you: council tax, utilities, TV subscriptions etc. In fact, to improve their credit rating, they should each become the named bill-payer of one or more of the key utilities. They pay and they ask you for your share.

Explain that none of this is you being controlling. It is you devolving the overwhelming number of responsibilities of running a home so that it is shared equally between three adults. It's not to make life miserable for them, but to ensure they are living like responsible adults and not treating you as the default adult as you are exhausted. Tell them it starts today, right now, and if the system isn't working by the end of the month, they have three months to find a home of their own, and you will help them find somewhere.

@ThisHazelPeer I think you should have challenged them when they said they couldn’t afford to move out since yiu sys they’ve been working since they left school, only pay £50pw and have their lunches and teas provided. They should (especially the 38 year old) have a healthy deposit by now surely!

Suggest they get a flat together to save on costs. At that age they should be well on their way. Sounds as is the nest is too comfortable.

Have they been saving whilst living at home?

You don’t need to force them out. But you do need to stop doing everything for them! They are grown bloody men fgs! Continue with the £50 per week board, but tell them they make their own meals (all 3) and pay for their own food for those meals. They also clean up after themselves. You are being far too soft!

You can do it nicely op. Downsize and give them each a deposit for a flat share and then step back.

If you can’t even manage that then you just came on here to moan and most probably enjoyed being ‘needed’ by keeping them all as man babies and completely ill equipped to deal with life independently still strapped on to mothers nipples.

It's no good people telling you what you should have done, you need to know how to change things now.
For a start, I don't think £50 pw each even covers the costs of them being there, especially if 3 meals a day are coming out of that. If you add up the food bill, energy costs, council tax etc I bet a one third share come to more than £50 pw.
And they probably eat more than you and use up more energy than you.
I completely understand how fed up you feel at still not feeling free of mothering duties, I have 2 adult DC at home myself, but the working one pays his own way and and more on top in terms of takeaways for all, top-up shopping and help with the chores. I prefer to be in charge of my own washing machine, so I do most of the washing, due to space and drying limitations, but expect them to cook for the family regularly and take responsibility for house hold stuff, including help with the garden.
In your shoes, I would be telling them things will be changing as from now, as you are feeling burdened by it all, and that they need to take on responsibility for household tasks ( eg hoovering, cleaning up after dinner, cooking the dinner) and to pay an amount that reflects the benefits they get. FWIW, when my higher earning son was here, he paid £400 pm. If yours don't do their share, tell them you will get a cleaner and they will be paying for it. Tell them you want them to move out to live independently by, say , Jan 2026, so that they have plenty of warning. They probably have decent savings and could get somewhere together if they don't want to live alone. Keep talking to them about it, make sure they know that you are serious.
Stop doing their packed breakfasts and lunches: they can do that themselves. Stop doing their laundry if you don't want to do it.

You need to ask yourself what part of you wanted them to stay op… and how are they meeting your needs? Loneliness? Lack of purpose? Identity