House Room Allocation

[Rooms1]

3 bedroom house.
3 x kids, all the same sex.

1x 1 yo FT
1 x 12 yo PT
1 x 16 yo FT

Who should get what room?

My thinking is that 1yo and 16yo should get their own rooms and the 12yo shares with the 1yo when they come over on the weekends.

The reason behind this is because they have their own bedroom at the other parents home.

But several people have said that they should share with the 16yo due to their ages.

Lots of reasons why its completely inappropriate for a 12 year old to share with a 1yo. 12yo not bring able to use her room in the evening, 12 yo being woken in the night/early eve by baby, 12 yr old not being able to leave age appropriate belongings out in her room just for starters. Why can't the 12 year old share with the 16 yo. Appropriate and compatible ages. Both get own room 6/7 and share a room 1/7.

It’s for one night a week, I’m sure the 12 year can manage perfectly for one night. Why should the 16yr old have her privacy invaded she when she’s in the house full time?

Put the baby in a cot in your room for one night a week, not in your bed.

What other rooms are there in the house, OP? Is there a dining room or playroom downstairs that could be converted into a bedroom for either the 12yo or the 16yo?

Exactly because the 16 year old gets to live with her mum full time. The 12 year old has already vocalised that she feels left out. If mum cares about the 12 year old and wants her to be part of the family, she'll give her an age appropriate space of her own for the one day a week she's allowed to visit. That's not sharing with a baby, nor sleeping in someone else's bed. But it could be sharing with a similar aged sibling for one night a week.

So you’re saying the mum only cares about the 12yr if she gives in and lets her have her own way? Wow. No wonder there are so many snowflake adults in the world who kick off when they can’t have their own way. This is definitely bad parenting 101.

The 12yo hasn’t vocalised that she feels left out btw.

She begged her dad to start seeing us and he allowed it.

She is free to stay at mine more than once a week and I would prefer her to stay the entire weekend due to her dad not being at home but she often chooses to only stay 1 night as she prefers her own space instead.

This is an ongoing battle because I cannot force her to stay the extra night and it’s whether I take it to court or not and go against her wishes.

I am trying to read between the lines and figure out why the eldest is so adamant she needs her own room and the youngest is so adamant she needs to share it.

I believe there is some jealousy between them and they’re constantly competing against each other at the moment and so I need to try and read between the lines to work out how they’re actually feeling.

The last thing I’d want to do is make the 12yo feel left out.

There are literally no other rooms.
Its a tiny house.

There is a small front room, a small kitchen that can’t even fit a table.
Then upstairs there 2 x small double bedrooms and a single bedroom.

In the future we hope to get an extra bedroom or move to a home with a dining room to allow for that extra room.

Are you buying or renting? Because the house appears to be unsuitable.

Renting.

Its the only one we can get right now.

In that case I think you should keep the one year old in with you and aim to stay no longer than 18 months. Put all your energy into finding something more suitable.

Is the 12yo adamant she wants to share with the 16yo full stop, or that she’d rather share with the 16yo than a baby? Because it sounds like she was only presented with sharing with one or the other as her options, a bit like how this thread presents it.

From an outside POV it seems obvious why they’re adamant they get rooms of their own and don’t share with the baby: both have had their lives turned upside-down. Their mum kicked out of the family home and what seems like fairly soon afterwards, living with someone new and having a new baby. The 16yo kicked out of her home for wanting to see her mum, and ending up on a sofa (where her new half-sibling is in a room with her mum): of course she needs a space of her own, and one that’s permanent. The posters saying she gets it 6/7 and shares 1/7 are being very black and white: that one night sharing her room colours the rest of the time; it means her private space is only temporary and can be taken away at any point (what if 12yo wants to move in?). And everything in her life must feel very temporary now.

Same for the 12yo: she didn’t get kicked out but she was told not to see her mum, lost her sister, then dad gets a new girlfriend and moves stepchildren in – rejection and change. Now she’s being asked to share with the baby who forms her mum’s new family, not part of the unit she’s always known.

It’s obvious to me that they both need their own private space that’s permanently theirs, no sharing, to feel safe and secure. 16yo in the smaller double, 12yo in the single, and that leaves the baby in with you and new partner in the larger double for the foreseeable. This may be disruptive for you or cause less sleep, but you’re the parent! Not all of the trauma and disruption is of your making, but the onus is still on you to minimise it for your older kids. The baby is still in their original family unit, and tiny, so doesn’t have the same need for their own room.

This, all this. The 1 yo isn't going to feel hard done by for being in her parents' room, more likely the opposite. So you the parents will have to deal with that but gain from it helping the two older ones out. And as @MissScarletInTheBallroom says above, keep looking out for somewhere else.

There is probably some jealousy that the 12yo has their own room to put all of their belongings where they want and it’s entirely their own, whereas the 16yo is now needing to only have half the space so their sibling can put some of their belongings there and so it’s not entirely their own.

I get this. But if she is only spending one night per week at your house, how many belongings will she need to bring/store? She doesn’t need half a room’s worth of storage?

Ponderingwindow has nailed it. For whatever reason the 16 year old has been sleeping on the sofa while other children, especially her sister has had a bedroom. How long has this being going on for?
Now she has the chance of her own space and is going to take a stand to keep it.
This trumps what is fair in the new house because what is happening right now is massively unfair.
I would go with the plan to have your 12 year old in your room one night a week.
I would also be thinking about what you would do if the 12 year old chooses to spend more time with you.

Is the 12yo adamant she wants to share with the 16yo full stop, or that she’d rather share with the 16yo than a baby? Because it sounds like she was only presented with sharing with one or the other as her options, a bit like how this thread presents it.

This is the trouble, it’s working out what she actually means rather than what she says.

She doesn’t want to share with a baby and she doesn’t think it’s fair her sister gets her own room.
I am trying to unpick that and work out what is actually going on.

We said she could have a sofa bed in the front room and that would be off limits from x-y time so it’s her own space but she didn’t want that (which I can see her point).
She said why should her sister have her own room and she has to sleep in the from room.

We haven’t spoke about her using our room, which I think is a good compromise but I can imagine her response will be similar.

I completely understand the shit they’ve had to deal with and so I’m trying to take their feelings into account as much as possible but it’s difficult when they want the opposite things.

She wants half the room as storage.

She wants it to be half hers.

I see both sides.
I want her to feel like it is her home and she shouldn’t feel like a visitor but at the same time she has her own room and if it’s half hers it would mean her having 1 and 1/2 rooms for all of her belongings and her sister only having 1/2 a room for her belongings.

I want her to treated equally but at the same time she’s here 1 or 2 nights a week and so it’s about being realistic too.

Look, the chances are pretty high that either your ex will chuck her out or she will decide she wants to come and live with you full time.

You take the biggest room and keep the one year old in with you. Give the 16 year old the second biggest room and the 12 year old the smallest room.

Keep looking for a more suitable property.

I think the 12year old might need to share with16 year old but she can't demand 50% of storage space as she space in her other room, she will not at present need to store school work school uniform etc at your house, she does need dedicated space but 25% seems more than adequate however, there is the possibility that things may go pear shaped at her Dad's so she may need to move in permanently in that case it will be 2 eldest sharing biggest room 50/50 & you and DH in smaller double and 1year old in small single

I think your 12yo is saying that she wants it to feel like home, not a place she visits.

I agree with this.

You and DH could always sleep occasionally in the.12 year old’s room during the week if needed to get an uninterrupted sleep.

When you say her dad isn’t there all weekend, assume her dad’s partner is there and she’s not home without an adult?!

Its not up to you to compensate for unfairness towards 16yo at dad's house by being unfair to 12 yo at your house.

12yo needs a permanent, age appropriate space in her mothers house and to feel at home there.

The only way to give her that is for her to have her own room or to share with the 16yo 1 night per week. Obviously 16yo will have more stuff in the shared room, but 12 yo needs a bed and a small chest of drawers for her stuff.

If you expect 12yo to sleep on the sofa, with a baby our in your room without her own permanent space, then you are sending her the clear message that she doesn't have a home with you.

She may want it to be half hers, and I do understand why, and get that you understand too, but symbolic gestures don’t work when space is at such a premium (and it’s only one night per week).

But this sentiment does not create extra bedrooms

Sofa bed in living room - and the one night a week DD12 visits she gets your room and you two sleep in the living room (presuming you want to stay up later than her).