House Room Allocation

[Rooms1]

3 bedroom house.
3 x kids, all the same sex.

1x 1 yo FT
1 x 12 yo PT
1 x 16 yo FT

Who should get what room?

My thinking is that 1yo and 16yo should get their own rooms and the 12yo shares with the 1yo when they come over on the weekends.

The reason behind this is because they have their own bedroom at the other parents home.

But several people have said that they should share with the 16yo due to their ages.

I understand the 16 year old's feelings but the age gap is just too big for the 12 year old to share with the 1 year old - it isn't fair on them.

A compromise might be for the 12 year old to store their belongings in the 1 year old's room or in your room so it still feels like the 16 year old's room but the 12 year old still sleeps there

I would ask the 16 year old whether they want the larger room with their sister sharing with them 1 night a week or the smaller room entirely as their own.

This is a good idea. 12 year old would need an area of their room for their stuff but it would mean that 1 year old doesn't get disrupted.

This could also be a potential compromise as I think it’s the sharing the space for their belongings, rather than actually sleeping in the same room.

There is probably some jealousy that the 12yo has their own room to put all of their belongings where they want and it’s entirely their own, whereas the 16yo is now needing to only have half the space so their sibling can put some of their belongings there and so it’s not entirely their own.

I’m also conscious that the 12yo feels like it’s her home too, rather than a guest or in the way.

I'm really confused as to why you think the 12 year old sharing 1 day p week and her own room 6 days a week is somehow different to the 16 y having her own room 6 days a week and sharing 1 day a week!

I get that you're trying to compensate for a breakdown in relationship between 16 yo and Dad. But you can't fix one child by breaking the other.

Your 12 yo needs and deserves her own space in your house where she can keep her things, sleep safely and act in an age appropriate way. The only way this can happen is either her own room (not possible), or sharing with the 16 yo. Any other solution will make her feel like an unwelcome inconvience in your house without her own space. It's not reasonable to expect a 12 to to vacate their room or tiptoe around in it from when a 1 year old goes to bed. (Not to mention naptimes, being woken at night/early morning, having to lock everything age appropriate away from curious toddler hands etc.)

If 12 and 16 yo share, they are both being treated equally. They both have a room to themselves 6/7, and share 1/7.

Your ex may not be treating the 16 yo fairly. The solution to that is not for you to treat the 12 yo unfairly in retaliation.

Is there trauma in the background for any of you? It just sounds slightly unusual that neither of your daughters were spending any nights with you and this seemed stable enough that you had a baby in a one-bed and it was a bit of a shock that you suddenly need a four-bed place.

It isn’t entirely relevant to your question but if your 16yo is getting used to living with you (and your partner and her half-sibling) after a long time (?) not doing so, that may also be colouring her reaction to sharing rooms etc.

Being siblings vs two children forced together because their parents moved in together is a huge difference.

that the 16yo currently has no bedroom anywhere is a very big deal. That never should have happened. The fact that her parents let it happen is a huge failure. She should always have a room in both homes. It is clouding this entire situation. This isn’t just about having to share with her sister. It’s that neither parent could be bothered to take care of her.

This. And get a bed for 12 yo with built in storage drawers under it so easy to keep her stuff tidied away (and out of sight of 16 yo) for the 6/7 days she is at Dad’s house.

I’m confused why older 2 sharing isn’t the obvious solution. Whether the baby sleeps with you or shares with the 12yo, sleep is going to be disrupted because 12 year olds aren’t going to bed like at 7pm and will want to do things in the bedroom like listen to music (with AirPods) which isn’t going to help baby’s sleep either.
12 and 16 will sleep similar hours so should share. Both have their own room 6 days and share 1 day. If they can’t compromise on decorating then you will have to dictate something like 2 walls each and have a mix and match situation.

Rights so both your older girls haven't been living with you (mum) until recently, then something has happened to make the oldest move out of their dad's and suddenly not see him at all? I'm guessing there is a lot of history and maybe some trauma there?

I would give the 16 year old a room and the baby a room. I know you don't want to, but I would move the baby into your room one night a week when the 12 year old comes.

What will you do if the 12 year old suddenly wants to move back in with you as well?

I'm really confused as to why you think the 12 year old sharing 1 day p week and her own room 6 days a week is somehow different to the 16 y having her own room 6 days a week and sharing 1 day a week!

Because the 12yo has her own room - no one else shares it with her.
It is completely her own space and she can have her things where she wants them etc.

The 16yo would share her bedroom.

I’m confused as to why you can’t see the difference.
One would be sharing, the other would not.
I’m not sure how else I can explain it.

What is the layout of the house? Is there a downstairs room the 12yo could use as a bedroom at the weekends, like a separate dining room? With a sofa bed or day bed?

Long story short.

Me and their dad separated and I moved out of the family home.

I ended up with a new partner in his 1 bedroom flat.
We ended up getting pregnant/having a baby.

At first my ex was not letting the kids see me.
My eldest broke this rule and my ex said that if she saw or spoke to me again then he’d kick her out.
She is very strong willed and saw me anyway so got kicked out.

My 12yo didn’t want to rock the boat and so chose not to see me to keep the peace with her dad.
She was missing me and her sibling so kept asking but he said no.
He eventually let her start seeing me (coincidentally when he started seeing his new gf) and then was allowed to stay overnight.

I have the 12yo missing her sister and me and feeling left out.
And I have the 16yo feeling hurt that her dad has kicked her out and feeling jealous that her sibling is being allowed to see me and still live at her home and not have to sleep on the sofa etc.

Honestly, with that story, I'd be prepared for younger daughter needing to move in.

But the 16 yo would NOT be sharing her bedroom 6/7. She'd be in it alone 6/7. No one else there. No one moving/touching her stuff etc. Room to herself. It's basically the same.

In an ideal world 16yo and 12yo will have the biggest room and you put a room divider up so there's a clear division of space. This gives12 yo own space for her stuff and a sense of belonging, but also gives 16 yr old clear definition of her totally unshared space during the week.

You are so busy trying to compensate the 16 for the breakdown in relationship with her dad, that you are ignoring the needs of the 12 yo. Your 12 yo is not responsible for her dad's behaviour. Stop putting her second place. She's equally your daughter, and equally needs to have her own reasonable space in her mum's house.

Hi @Rooms1

This is gonna be a very difficult one to balance and there are a lot of strong emotions that are going to cloud things.

I think given the rejection your 16yo has faced she needs her own room and her own space. So whatever else happens she needs her own room imo.

Can you post a floor plan of the house, there may be another option we could suggest/see.

The obvious one would be 1yo and 12 yo share (my dd and her half sister have always shared at their dads house). For the sake of 1 night a week, if 12 yo wants to watch tv or game she can use your bedroom

Other workable options could include

1. take the biggest room and turn it into 2, there are loads of videos and ideas on insta etc on how to do with kalax units etc 2)if you have a second reception room turn it into a bedroom for 12 yo or you and partner and 12 yo has your room

Realistically whilst 12 yo is only there 1 night a week it is not unreasonable for them to share, or to disrupt the 1yo routine and have her sleep in with you and her dad.

If your 16 year old has to share with her sister once a week, she will get a double bedroom which will be hers alone for 6 nights a week and shared once a week, right? Compared to if you put your 12 year old in with your one year old, meaning that the one year old gets a double room to herself 6 nights a week and shares once a week, and your 16 year old gets a single room.

Surely if she is in a double room she will have plenty of space for all her things, even if she has to make some space for her sister's things. If she had a room to herself she would not have more space for her things.

Could you get a really decent sofa bed, or maybe one of those arm chairs that folds out into a single bed, for your 12 year old to sleep on when she comes over? That way you don't need to have a permanent bed in your 16 year old's room, and when her sister isn't there she has an arm chair or sofa she can use.

It seems to me that this is about more than just sharing a bedroom once a week. You obviously don't want to go into details, but if one of your children is now no contact with her dad and the other is living with her dad almost full time there is clearly something complicated going on.

But the 16 yo would NOT be sharing her bedroom 6/7. She'd be in it alone 6/7. No one else there. No one moving/touching her stuff etc. Room to herself. It's basically the same.

The 12yo would have 1 and 1/2 rooms for all of her belongings.
And the 16yo would have 1/2 room for all of her belongings.

So although I hear what you’re saying, it isn’t the same at all.
One would be sharing her bedroom and space and the other one wouldn’t.

I will absolutely go with the majority because that’s why I posted and I appreciate everyone’s opinions but the facts are that the eldest will be sharing regardless of whether it’s only 1 night or not.

Ok, so that sounds like you're punishing the 12 yo (who couldn't have been more than 9 or 10 at the time) for not "rocking the boat" and insisting on seeing you. Poor girl already, by your own admission, feels left out, and your way of dealing that is to not give her an age appropriate permanent space in your home because you are prioritising the child who lives with you full time, and already gets your full attention.

Do you really want to alienate the 12 yro? You telling her loud and clear that she's not an equally important member of your family. Poor, poor girl.

Again, you cannot fix the hurt of you 16yo by breaking your 12 yo. Your 12 yo should not have to pay for the hurt caused by your ex.

This is gonna be a very difficult one to balance and there are a lot of strong emotions that are going to cloud things.
I think given the rejection your 16yo has faced she needs her own room and her own space. So whatever else happens she needs her own room imo.

This is the issue.
Its the emotional side of things that are causing bigger issues.

If they both stayed regularly or both lived with me then it would be a no brainer.

But 1 has their own room and is allowed at both parents etc.
Whilst the other is being expected to share even though they’re not allowed to stay at their other parents home.

I’m trying to balance the needs of the eldest without making the sibling feel like she’s not welcome.

If its one day a week then maybe the adults switch around? Babys dad sleeps with baby, on a camp bed or whatever and 12 yo sleeps in a double bed with their Mum maybe?

No absolutely not.
I was the one who told her to do what her dad tells her and that me and him will sort it out eventually and she doesn’t have to worry.

She is a people pleaser and doesn’t like rocking the boat and I knew that it would cause her stress by seeing me and so I told her not to.

But she was obviously missing me and her sister and so begged her dad to see us.
Honestly I was worried that he would punish her for it and was more worried about her seeing me. I would not want to punish her or have her punished at all.
But even now I make sure she gets home on time and does everything her dad says.

I haven’t prioritised my eldest.
She was kicked out and has had to sleep on the sofa for months and change schools etc and my other one is choosing to stay with her dad.
So now it’s about treating them fairly but also being realistic that 1 of them usually only stays 1 night a week.

No, both have their own room 6/7, both are being expected to share 1/7.

What are you doing to address 12yo feelings of being left out? The one that was most vulnerable and too young to express her needs to see her mother? The one that has likely been the most damaged by the situation?

You left your young children with presumably a not great parent. You're prioritising the one who escaped and punishing the one who was too young and vulnerable to have a voice.

Really the only answer is 16 yr old gets boxroom , 1 yr old gets the double and the 12 yo gets room in there for her clothes , bits and pieces etc , when 12 yo is home she sleeps in your room and you sleep on the settee / airbed either downstairs or in with the baby .Unfortunately your actions have created this mess and the above seems the best way of least upsetting someone .

Are there any more children who aren’t staying with you right now?

After that update I change my vote. No sharing with the older children. The 16 yo needs her own space. So does 12yo. She needs to be free to spend as much time in your home as she wants, without feeling like she is pushing someone out.

if you don’t want to share with the youngest, put the adults in a dining nook or something.