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Original poster

House Room Allocation

166 replies

Rooms1 · 27/06/2025 15:38

3 bedroom house.
3 x kids, all the same sex.

1x 1 yo FT
1 x 12 yo PT
1 x 16 yo FT

Who should get what room?

My thinking is that 1yo and 16yo should get their own rooms and the 12yo shares with the 1yo when they come over on the weekends.

The reason behind this is because they have their own bedroom at the other parents home.

But several people have said that they should share with the 16yo due to their ages.

OP posts:
Jumpthewaves · 27/06/2025 20:39

CreteBound · 27/06/2025 16:51

Baby comes in with you 1 night a week. It’s you and your partner who chose to have another child so you should be the ones to compromise

Yes this.

kitchenplans · 27/06/2025 20:40

Rooms1 · 27/06/2025 20:24

No absolutely not.
I was the one who told her to do what her dad tells her and that me and him will sort it out eventually and she doesn’t have to worry.

She is a people pleaser and doesn’t like rocking the boat and I knew that it would cause her stress by seeing me and so I told her not to.

But she was obviously missing me and her sister and so begged her dad to see us.
Honestly I was worried that he would punish her for it and was more worried about her seeing me. I would not want to punish her or have her punished at all.
But even now I make sure she gets home on time and does everything her dad says.

I haven’t prioritised my eldest.
She was kicked out and has had to sleep on the sofa for months and change schools etc and my other one is choosing to stay with her dad.
So now it’s about treating them fairly but also being realistic that 1 of them usually only stays 1 night a week.

Show quote history

You told her not to rock the boat and not to see you (ouch that must have hurt and damaged her- what a rejection!), and now when she is allowed to see you, she is telling you she feels left out, you want to deal with that by refusing to give her an appropriate space in your home, because her full sibling that lives with you full time and hasn't been rejected by you doesn't want to share 1 day a week?

Stop punishing her for your ex's behaviour. And why the he'll did you abandon kids with the ex in the first place?

Original poster
Rooms1 · 27/06/2025 20:41

kitchenplans · 27/06/2025 20:29

No, both have their own room 6/7, both are being expected to share 1/7.

What are you doing to address 12yo feelings of being left out? The one that was most vulnerable and too young to express her needs to see her mother? The one that has likely been the most damaged by the situation?

You left your young children with presumably a not great parent. You're prioritising the one who escaped and punishing the one who was too young and vulnerable to have a voice.

Show quote history

No I think you’re confused.

1 has their own room.

The other will either have their own room or have to share with their sibling.

I am asking for advice as half the people (including a social worker) I speak to say the eldest needs to have her own safe space, with only her belongings and that should take priority.
The others say that it’s unfair to expect a 12yo to share with a 1yo as it’s just not going to work.

It’s not about prioritising the one that escaped, she was locked out of her home and had no choice but to live with me. As she is my residential child, I am going to think about what makes sense rather than having everything exactly the same to make it ‘fair’.

The other one chose to stay with her dad, which makes sense considering she has her own room and gets to stay in her town and at the same school etc.

If one of them was at uni I wouldn’t expect them to have the biggest room in the house, it doesn’t mean I care about them any less, it’s purely just common sense.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds 12 year olds 16 year olds
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/06/2025 20:42

@Rooms1 If you haven't moved into this three bedroom place yet, where are you currently? Surely not in the one bedroom flat still?

TheignT · 27/06/2025 20:53

Rooms1 · 27/06/2025 20:41

No I think you’re confused.

1 has their own room.

The other will either have their own room or have to share with their sibling.

I am asking for advice as half the people (including a social worker) I speak to say the eldest needs to have her own safe space, with only her belongings and that should take priority.
The others say that it’s unfair to expect a 12yo to share with a 1yo as it’s just not going to work.

It’s not about prioritising the one that escaped, she was locked out of her home and had no choice but to live with me. As she is my residential child, I am going to think about what makes sense rather than having everything exactly the same to make it ‘fair’.

The other one chose to stay with her dad, which makes sense considering she has her own room and gets to stay in her town and at the same school etc.

If one of them was at uni I wouldn’t expect them to have the biggest room in the house, it doesn’t mean I care about them any less, it’s purely just common sense.

Show quote history

What would be unsafe about sharing one night a week with her sister?

You talk as if the 12 year old is going to have a massive amount of stuff at your house. Surely the majority of her stuff will be at her dad's.

kitchenplans · 27/06/2025 21:06

Rooms1 · 27/06/2025 20:41

No I think you’re confused.

1 has their own room.

The other will either have their own room or have to share with their sibling.

I am asking for advice as half the people (including a social worker) I speak to say the eldest needs to have her own safe space, with only her belongings and that should take priority.
The others say that it’s unfair to expect a 12yo to share with a 1yo as it’s just not going to work.

It’s not about prioritising the one that escaped, she was locked out of her home and had no choice but to live with me. As she is my residential child, I am going to think about what makes sense rather than having everything exactly the same to make it ‘fair’.

The other one chose to stay with her dad, which makes sense considering she has her own room and gets to stay in her town and at the same school etc.

If one of them was at uni I wouldn’t expect them to have the biggest room in the house, it doesn’t mean I care about them any less, it’s purely just common sense.

Show quote history

I think you are confused.

BOTH children will have a room to themselves 6 nights a week.

ONE child (the 12 yo) feels left out and insecure at her mums house. The other child (16 yo) has a strong relationship and lives full time with her mother.

ONE child (thr 12 yo) was too young and vulnerable to use her voice and hence was denied contact with her mother. The other child (16yo) was bold and strong, and able to escape to her mother.

ONE child (12 yo) is insecure in her place in her mother's home, is only allowed to visit, and needs security there.The other child (16 yo) is secure in being part of her mother's family, and lives there full time.

The 12 year old needs her mother to prioritise her as part of that family.

Your 12 yo was too young and too vulnerable to fight to see you when you abandoned her. She is the biggest victim in this. Stop punishing her because of your ex's behaviour and your inability to be a parent to her.

Your priority should be ensuring that your 12yo feels that your house is her home. Your 16 yo already clearly knows that.

Ponderingwindow · 27/06/2025 21:21

The 16yo currently sleeps on the couch. That she is secure on her current home is not obvious.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/06/2025 21:29

Are you renting or buying this three bedroom house? Is it too late to pull out and look for a 4 bedroom house?

I think you need to be prepared for your 12 year old to come and live with you full-time as well.

I'm trying not to judge you too harshly because your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work. But try to think of it from your two elder daughters' point of view. You moved out of the family home and left them with their father. OK, maybe you genuinely didn't feel you had a choice about that. But instead of focusing on getting your own place with at least two bedrooms so your existing daughters could come and live with you, you got together with a new partner and had a new baby, whilst living in a one bed flat? I'm sure you wouldn't wish your baby away, but objectively, that was not a good decision.

With this info I think you and your partner should take the largest room and keep your one year old in with you for the foreseeable future, the 16 year old gets the smaller double and your 12 year old gets the single room. And then if your 16 year old hasn't moved out by the time your one year old starts school, it's probably time to move house.

Unless you can go back to the drawing board now and find a way to get a four bedroom place, in which case that's what you should do.

kitchenplans · 27/06/2025 21:29

Ponderingwindow · 27/06/2025 21:21

The 16yo currently sleeps on the couch. That she is secure on her current home is not obvious.

But she very clearly feels part of that family/household, in a way that the 12yo (who has said she feels left out) does not. I do agree both of the elder children have been failed by their parents though.

FairFuming · 27/06/2025 21:42

Is it at all possible to split the biggest room in half? There's loads of ways of doing it with bunk beds or a loft bed? And then it's not such a big issue. I bet the you gest would love having a den in her bedroom

Hollyhobbi · 27/06/2025 21:43

I hope that all the children involved are in therapy..

kitchenplans · 27/06/2025 21:47

Hollyhobbi · 27/06/2025 21:43

I hope that all the children involved are in therapy..

Yes, this. Well at least the eldest two. Hopefully lessons have been learnt and the baby will have a better and more secure family life.

Original poster
Rooms1 · 27/06/2025 22:06

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/06/2025 20:42

@Rooms1 If you haven't moved into this three bedroom place yet, where are you currently? Surely not in the one bedroom flat still?

Yes in the 1 bedroom flat still.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rooms1 · 27/06/2025 22:09

Ponderingwindow · 27/06/2025 21:21

The 16yo currently sleeps on the couch. That she is secure on her current home is not obvious.

No she’s not which is why the social worker has said how important it is for her to have her own room because she has been disrupted so much.

But then I have my 12yos feelings to consider as well.

OP posts:
Jumpthewaves · 27/06/2025 22:14

It must be so hard for the older two to be in this situation. I'd prioritise them for now and have the baby in with you. They'll be a toddler for a good while anyway and you can wait till the other two are more settled before making further changes. They've already been through a lot with a split, sudden and unexpected new sibling and everything.

Original poster
Rooms1 · 27/06/2025 22:15

Hollyhobbi · 27/06/2025 21:43

I hope that all the children involved are in therapy..

Yes they are.

There were a lot of issues with the ex and he basically kicked me out without warning and obviously that was a huge disruption in their life so i arranged therapy then and social services got involved when he kicked our eldest out.

OP posts:
mynamesnotsam · 27/06/2025 22:40

Perhaps all of the parents should have prioritised the kids they already have rather than taking up with new partners and bringing more children into the mix. I feel sorry for the 12 and 16 year old girls who are stuck in the middle of this.

CatRescueNeeded · 27/06/2025 22:55

Can you screen off one corner of the largest room for DD12 bed (maybe a mid sleeper with some storage below).

Original poster
Rooms1 · 27/06/2025 23:06

mynamesnotsam · 27/06/2025 22:40

Perhaps all of the parents should have prioritised the kids they already have rather than taking up with new partners and bringing more children into the mix. I feel sorry for the 12 and 16 year old girls who are stuck in the middle of this.

I agree but I didn’t ask to be kicked out of my family home and left homeless or to have my 20 year relationship ended or to have my access restricted to my own kids.

OP posts:
Noshadelamp · 27/06/2025 23:22

Rooms1 · 27/06/2025 18:22

That’s fair enough.

I actually felt that it may have swayed opinions if posters knew too much background info and that’s why I’m struggling to see it from an unbiased perspective.

It would be easier if they were half or step siblings as it’s the fact that they’re being treated unequally by the other parent that is causing the issues between them.

Show quote history

Sad for the 16 yo and now makes sense why she's so protective of having her own room.

I liked the suggestion of giving the 12 yo your room and the adults sleeping in the living room.

Seems like a reasonable compromise to put the 16, yo in the smaller double room to accommodate this. It's better than the sofa and still their own room.

I wouldn't ask if she's ok with the smaller double room, tell her you've consisted her need for her own room full time and this is your solution.

Noshadelamp · 27/06/2025 23:27

mynamesnotsam · 27/06/2025 22:40

Perhaps all of the parents should have prioritised the kids they already have rather than taking up with new partners and bringing more children into the mix. I feel sorry for the 12 and 16 year old girls who are stuck in the middle of this.

What is the point of saying this? Op is asking for help with the situation how it is right now, not some ideal.
Not everything in life is always in our direct control. How nice for you that your life is so perfect.

Original poster
Rooms1 · 27/06/2025 23:36

Noshadelamp · 27/06/2025 23:22

Sad for the 16 yo and now makes sense why she's so protective of having her own room.

I liked the suggestion of giving the 12 yo your room and the adults sleeping in the living room.

Seems like a reasonable compromise to put the 16, yo in the smaller double room to accommodate this. It's better than the sofa and still their own room.

I wouldn't ask if she's ok with the smaller double room, tell her you've consisted her need for her own room full time and this is your solution.

Show quote history

I think this is a really good idea and a good solution for now.

Hopefully it will only be temporary and we can one day move to a larger home so they can all have their own rooms.

OP posts:
Pingiop · 28/06/2025 02:42

Very unfair if the 16yr is made to share a room with the 12 yr. I would hate this and it would probably prompt me to look at moving elsewhere. Would you really want that, all to keep the 12yr happy? When the 12yr visits they can share with the baby or the baby can stay in your room, it's only one night a week. Or 12 yr can sleep on the sofa.

kitchenplans · 28/06/2025 03:04

Pingiop · 28/06/2025 02:42

Very unfair if the 16yr is made to share a room with the 12 yr. I would hate this and it would probably prompt me to look at moving elsewhere. Would you really want that, all to keep the 12yr happy? When the 12yr visits they can share with the baby or the baby can stay in your room, it's only one night a week. Or 12 yr can sleep on the sofa.

Well, yes, if OP wants to completely alienate and further damage her 12 yo that she's already abandoned once snd who has clearly vocalised that she feels left out.. .
Otherwise the two, equally Important, older siblings share for just 1 day a week (both having their own space for the other 6) to enable the 12 yo to feel like part of the family and not an unwelcome person without their own space.

Pingiop · 28/06/2025 03:09

kitchenplans · 28/06/2025 03:04

Well, yes, if OP wants to completely alienate and further damage her 12 yo that she's already abandoned once snd who has clearly vocalised that she feels left out.. .
Otherwise the two, equally Important, older siblings share for just 1 day a week (both having their own space for the other 6) to enable the 12 yo to feel like part of the family and not an unwelcome person without their own space.

Show quote history

Nah I stand by what I said. The 12yr can share with the baby. Why is the 12yr dictating the rooms when she visits only 1 day a week. A bit of common sense is needed here.