What would you do if your 14yo son was taking your car out at night?

[Cliftrip]

It's happening to a friend. He only knows because he's (actually his wife, boy's SM) has received speeding tickets for times they were fast asleep.

The boy is clearly unhappy. He's been a "problem" for a long time, which is why he's living with dad FT, his mum said she couldn't take any more a out 18 months ago. You can see where some of the issues might stem from, but this is extreme.

SM is now (understandably) saying she doesn't want him in her house, and it is her house.

I feel my friend's (or someone's!) first priority should be the boy, but am at a loss for any practical advice or help.

When I meet him he's a quiet, polite and charming young lad!

Where do they turn?

Seriously they didn’t notice someone going out of the front door driving off their drive and coming back and parking it. He would also have a visit from the police in this house

Surely he’s going to get prosecuted if SM discloses he was driving

Isn't it an offence to lie about who was driving? She has to disclose, it could have very serious repercussions for her if she doen't.

I find it very hard to believe the SC manages to sneak out and back in again undetected everytime. I know I wouldn't sleep through my son sneaking out the house. Let alone stealing my car. Unless they have a massive house and bedrooms are, far apart and in another wing of the home. Additionally, after the first couple of tickets and realisation he was taking the car at night, I would be hyper vigilant and most definitely put a steering wheel lock on it and sleep with the keys.

Police. Explain about the grooming and get them to take it from there. Lots of love and support at home.

In your position I would:

Organise both individual counselling for the child, and family counselling to include both sets of parents and the child.

A visit to the local prison and/or police cells to see exactly where he will end up, and what happens in prisons…. A graphic account of the consequences.

A stroll down to meet victims that are disabled by RTAs and their accounts

A sports programme to include high risk Adrenalin sports.

His mother needs to engage urgently even somewhere other than home.

Love, affection and immense praise for anything he is doing well

An acknowledgment that he is a decent person and no one is going to ever give up on him.

Keep him busy and active every minute of the day.

Internal alarms, set at night, so he has to stay in his room.

They must live in a mansion. As soon as my children were born I could sleep through a thunderstorm but if they so much as coughed I was awake and checking on them. It stayed that way right up to when they left home.

Jesus Christ I’d be furious

My DS could drive at 14 and we’re not farmers. He had a lesson a month with Young Drivers - did it for his DofE bronze skills. By about his fourth or fifth lesson he could drive to a basic standard. We watched him.

He might be out with mates, ‘joyriding’, which is bad enough. Alternatively he might be involved in drug dealing/carrying.

Yeah I sleep very lightly. I’d definitely hear if my son woke up in the night, went downstairs, unlocked the door and drove away in the car.

And the first time he did it I would hide the keys (and the keys to the house) and get a policeman to have a chat with him.

We also have cameras on the door which is helpful.

I get some people sleep deeply though.

But this family obviously slept through the teen escaping. It’s easy to say what we’d do in the circumstances once it’s already happened but they did sleep through it and need advice on what to do going forward

Yes I get that but it seems relatively easy to prevent the taking of the car!

Then I agree professional help is needed going forward but he could kill someone or himself so an ‘oh I just slept through it’ many times doesn’t really cut it. They need to take some pretty serious action.

And my point is - the house should be set up so that 14 year olds can’t escape in the night with car keys. So Ring doorbells, doors locked at night and keys put away.

Agree. I hear so much as a footstep. He must be sleeping in a separate wing!

I think some people are being a bit harsh on the SM tbh. Yes, I hear if my Dc wake up. But last time I stayed at my parents, I didn't hear my DM get up in the night and walk down the creaky stairs to go and make a cup of tea in the kitchen next door. He's only been living with them 18 months (I think the OP said) so I can understand them not being tuned to waking up at the slightest movement.

I'd be so furious I don't know what I'd do! I certainly wouldn't be taking the blame. Presumably it would be looked on favourably if they can get him into some form of counselling asap. Ditto the others who say to keep him busy.

They must live in a mansion. As soon as my children were born I could sleep through a thunderstorm but if they so much as coughed I was awake and checking on them. It stayed that way right up to when they left home
Once mine were sleeping all the way through, I slept.
I'm a heavy sleep and often outside noise becomes part of my dream.

I think people concentrating on whether they would wake up or not are really missing the point.

The issue is WHY he is doing it, ie is he being exploited, is he trying to impress, does he feel worthless and feel he has nothing to loose?
This needs unpicking.
I agree its a terrible thing he has done and he has been lucky he hasn't killed someone but the root cause of 'why'has to be explored.

Some people seemed to find it odd that he could drive at 14. It’s quite a simple task. There are periodically stories of 6 or 8 year olds taking their parents cars to Target or McDonald’s in my area and not hitting anything on the way. With a push button start, a built in gps that is voice activated, and wide roads it’s can happen if parents aren’t paying attention.

Oh for goodness sakes, you’re in the US! 😆 rather different law on driving and age.

Let us presume the Op is in the UK where is most definitely is “odd” a 14 year old knows how to drive

100% family therapy, plus a lot more time with him and talking with him, listening to him, doing things with him. Discussions with the school (and listening to them too). Getting closer and in his face rather than pushing him away.

Anyone who thinks that is the easy option is a lazy parent. It doesn’t stop them punishing him for doing something so outrageous, either. The punishment should be his dad taking him somewhere to do something hard for other people, together. Some form of volunteering.

A 14 year old doing that is screaming at the top of their voice for someone to care and engage with them, however much of a little shit they are being.

I’d ground him for 2 weeks as immediate punishment. No phones/gaming. Hide keys at night, maybe an alarm that he doesn’t know the code to.

And if they are worried about his mh maybe counselling?

He needs psychological/psych help asap. If a friend of the same age taught him to drive, what else is this ‘friend’ teaching him? I’d get him away from peers like that, whether that means a change of school or what.

Let us presume the Op is in the UK where is most definitely is “odd” a 14 year old knows how to drive
It's not that odd.
It may not be an everyday occurance but I've dealt with teenagers stealing cars and 'joyriding' for the past 3 decades. Some are as young as 13. Their driving , although completely illegal , has been fine ! ( unless they have been coked up of course).

What’s your job @notacooldad

What’s your job
Im currently working in Family Support some other jobs I've done over the years are working in the youth justice team,worked as a targeted support youth worker and also as a personal mentor with young people.
Ive been working with ' teens' for 35 years. Ive put teens in quotes as that what it was supposed to be but our starting age keeps getting lowered due to demands on our services. ( not family support,other roles)

Sound like someone needs to show some love and affection for the 14 year old they decided to have not long ago! 14 is barley a teen, you can't just reject a child that age, be done with him. Ridiculous, where's your part in this, where have you gone wrong as a parent.

Actually this exact thing happened to a friend. She kept getting damaged to her car and couldn't figure out how it was happening. It was her 14 year old with his mates (a video recording on one of their phones showed them doing 100mph on a dual carriageway).

Anyway, my friend got the police involved, they spoke to the child and a marker was put on her car so that if police saw the car out after 11pm they were to stop it.

Roll on 7 years, the lad has a steady job, good friends and a good life.