What would you do if your 14yo son was taking your car out at night?

[Cliftrip]

It's happening to a friend. He only knows because he's (actually his wife, boy's SM) has received speeding tickets for times they were fast asleep.

The boy is clearly unhappy. He's been a "problem" for a long time, which is why he's living with dad FT, his mum said she couldn't take any more a out 18 months ago. You can see where some of the issues might stem from, but this is extreme.

SM is now (understandably) saying she doesn't want him in her house, and it is her house.

I feel my friend's (or someone's!) first priority should be the boy, but am at a loss for any practical advice or help.

When I meet him he's a quiet, polite and charming young lad!

Where do they turn?

I had a friend who did this when we were a similar age, he ended up with 6 months in YO detention! There was absolutely nothing bad going on at home, school was great, he had a girlfriend, friends etc. Still to this day he cannot give a reason as to why he took the car that night, the best he can offer is that he was bored and it seemed fun to his teenage brain. He did say YO scared the shit out of him however and was determined not to go back.
This lad may well have some serious issues going on, or he may be a stupid teenager who doesn’t think things through and will become a 40 year old man who is deeply embarrassed by his teenage self.

When the shouting and the blame and recriminations have died down, SM and dad need a long hard look at whether their relationship can stand this, wherever it might go. And a firm agreement as to a way forward together and the boundaries they will both enforce (if they don’t separate-which is an option). They need to do this quickly because it informs the next bit.

The next bit is to engage with the CHILD to find out what is going on and to try to support him. The difficulty will be if the child won’t engage, accept the need for support and so on. If the need is accepted then GP, referral to CAMHS, private counselling. The child needs to be kept safe. He is 14. If he won’t accept support, you probably have to wait until it gets so bad that he has to. Which is why step 1 is vital.

So solving the car problem is simple - car lock and keys under pillow if necessary.

But... what's to stop him taking the next step - stealing a car instead?

The SM will have to contact the police about him taking the car without permission or knowledge - it may well be that the police can help access services to help him. They are likely to take it seriously.

I would be worried about county lines or gang issues. I would also wonder about impulsive behaviour that's new - can be linked to mental health diagnosis and/or neurodiversity.

I think there would need to be a serious discussion between all parents, bio and step, as well as contact with the school to check he's attending.

This is a final warning sort of behaviour - it's the edge of cirminality, if not outright criminality and every resource would be necessary to stop it.

I would consider sending to relatives, or boarding school or even moving house to try and deal with this.

As a parent of teens you don’t get the luxury of “sleep” you have eyes at the back of your head and ears that pick up a pin drop.
At 14 a lot of trust should have been built up, this now gone! A shit storm of disappointment would rain. BUT equally driving lessons and grilling as to why?

You’re asking what they should do OP but before anybody can answer that we need to know really what has happened, why, and what has been done so far.

You say he is “troubled” and that mum couldn’t cope with him but what does that mean practically? He was in bother at school, not cleaning up after himself, or smashing the house up? It’s a huge scale.

What has been tried so far? If he’s “troubled” and parents have acknowledged that then what have school said when dad has spoken with school about it, what has the GP said when dad spoke with GP?

Dad and boy need to move out.
Unless the dad is going to take the speeding tickets, there's probably various legal ramifications coming (speeding, driving without a license, driving uninsured, car theft etc) which could get him the help he needs

Bear in mind I'd wake to a pin dropping, I find this extraordinary

They must be both very heavy sleepers

I would be very suspicious of your friend's tale. How many points has he already got?

All of the above really behaviour...

So far discussions with school seem to be about punishing bad behaviour and trying to avoid exclusion. I can't help feeling a PRU might be best placed to help them all.

I'd have said the same actually, but we were burgled while we slept. Knew nothing about it until morning!

This is all really good advice.

Teens will be reckless for different reasons, to impress others, to fit in or because they feel they have no control / want to lash out / lack purpose and feel like giving up. It sounds like this lad might really be struggling with his parents split, being kicked out by his Mum, mental health etc. I would consider therapy and I would look at what purpose he has.....what does he want to do, what hobbies would he engage with. Give him reasons to behave.

I don't know why he'd tell me anyhting if it was about protecting her licence?

The boy has definitely been in lots of serious trouble.

Having been in a similar situation, with an out-of-control 14-year-old, it is mostly going to be preventing opportunities for them to do illegal/dangerous/harmful things, whilst getting help for the core problem.

Which is another issue; because help for that type of problem doesn't tend to be easy or quick to access anymore, especially in the UK.

there’s a reason he’s acting out.
the boy is clearly asking for help.
so a appointment with a psychologist is needed. probably needed a while back.

Has your friend asked you to tell her story on mumsnet and get advice re what exactly she should do?

I'd forgo some sleep

But you haven’t really said what has been done to help him, what avenues have already been explored?

I mean, has either parent actually bothered to speak to him to ask what is wrong, or why he is behaving this way? What about phone/social media use, is dad on top of that? What about GP, if he’s struggling, what have they said? Any potential ND, or are there no signs of that? Any bullying or problems at school to check for?

Somebody must have some idea why is behaving the way he is, behaviour is communication but it seems nobody is listening. How did parents separate, how was that handled, when & why did his relationship with mum break down to the extent of being kicked out at 12 years old which in itself could be a contributing factor to the way he behaves now. He’s learned at a young age that even mum can turn her back on you, not a great message to teach a 12 year old (assuming if 14 now and this was 18 months ago?).

Dad is going to have to find somewhere for them to live and then he needs to start speaking to his child, mum too.

It’s pointless explaining accidents and injuries and death as a result of his recklessness as they think they are invincible at that age.

The wider picture is that he isn’t some nice kid thinking he’s going for a jolly jaunt in the car, he has been groomed by an older child or man and they will be using him as a driver to transport drugs etc.

They need to get him out of the area, easier said than done, and getting g him a hobby where he isn’t mixing with wring ‘uns.

You'd stay awake all night to stop a kid doing something you didn't know they were doing?

Thats... extra, to say the least.

@Cliftrip The hefty punishment route is a slippery slope to a kid who feels like they're never able to do anything good so why bother, why not do as they damn well please and fuck the rest of the world... They need to tread very carefully but whether they will or not, mm, and it is unlikely you can influence them.

Police and SS will be involved if they tell them that DS was driving, and maybe that's not a bad thing.

I would be looking into individual and family counselling. Dad and son will need to find their own accommodation. Would urge the dad to stick with his son and try to find out what is underlying it all- am quite shocked that his mum has washed her hands.

In agricultural areas it is not uncommon for the teenagers of farmers to learn to drive young on private land.

I also agree with @DeSoleil that something like drug running may be underlying this and I'd move heaven and earth to find out the truth and get him away from that if possible.

Spectacularly missing the point I know, but that's really quite impressive... Could they try to channel his obvious talent and interest in cars into something more productive? Mechanics course at local college?

I know a great psychologist who works with teenagers showing risky behaviour like this- this is her bread and butter and all the kids love her! Can send you her details if you want them?

Ah... I'd missed the point that it's more likely an older person who's groomed him and is using the car. In that case I'd move heaven and earth to get him as far as way as possible.