What would you do if your 14yo son was taking your car out at night?

[Cliftrip]

It's happening to a friend. He only knows because he's (actually his wife, boy's SM) has received speeding tickets for times they were fast asleep.

The boy is clearly unhappy. He's been a "problem" for a long time, which is why he's living with dad FT, his mum said she couldn't take any more a out 18 months ago. You can see where some of the issues might stem from, but this is extreme.

SM is now (understandably) saying she doesn't want him in her house, and it is her house.

I feel my friend's (or someone's!) first priority should be the boy, but am at a loss for any practical advice or help.

When I meet him he's a quiet, polite and charming young lad!

Where do they turn?

Tbf, I did. My dad taught me to drive at 14 (on private land, obvs).

Have they actually tried anything to help him or is it a case of well we've done nothing and we're all out of ideas?

I'd suggest a request for a referral to camhs and a meeting with the school to see what they can suggest

This.

How has it got to this point is the question.

The car being stolen is a symptom of a bigger issue. But its not the key (sic) issue.

Sorry if I missed it, but do they even know why he stole the car? Where he felt he needed to get to at that time of night? Have they spoken to him about it at all?

Doubt CAMHS will help but yes what have they already tried except speaking to school and in his mother's case rejecting him? (I understand if he's violent towards her that's an issue)

The only thing they need to do is put their keys under their mattress while they sleep. No way the son could get at them, even if he knew where they were.

If it was repeated behaviour I would be informing the police - because a young, untrained and illegal driver is not safe in any way.

I say this every time, but you need professional help in a situation like this, and having interacted with a lot of different professionals I rate CAPA first response above all of them, they are amazing https://capafirstresponse.org

Family therapy might help get to the root of the problem. If both parents are going with him he might be more likely to go as he won't see it as everyone blaming him for the whole situation.

I was taught to drive at 11. At 14 I would’ve been more than capable of driving a car around the roads at night. I didn’t of course, but I could.

Completely agree with this. A car is a lethal weapon in the wrong hands.

Parents can attend Non Violent Resistance course that will be run by their local authority and will be free. Parents can ask the school designated safeguarding lead to make a safeguarding referral. Sometimes family support workers can be allocated through the LA.
Can school offer some mentoring support? Who does this child have who can advocate on their behalf. Children often do this kind of thing because they feel no one cares, no one is listening, decisions do not involve them, they’re not valued, they cannot cope with the demands of their school, they’re are frightened. They have not had boundaries in place which make them feel safe. They have learned unhealthy patterns of behaviour to get what they want. It is rare for happy children to behave like this, so understanding where this behaviour originates is crucial. If parents are separated was this acrimonious? This could be trauma based behaviour. It could be being contributed to by neurodivergence. It could be a combination of the two. How are they doing in school? What support is in place at school? It will be imperative to involve the school as it is doubtful this behaviour is happening in isolation.

I've been driving for years and had driving lessons and a test. I still would struggle to park a car exactly as I found it.

All these posters focussed on the car and the keys the issue is going out at night and taking something very big, and very expensive and very knowingly driving illegally. Hiding the keys or using a wheel lock won't change or help the fundamentals problem.. He's probably being groomed by a gang or an older person or he's off the rails and needs some guidance

You really didn’t miss that .. you’ve made it up 🤷‍♀️ OP said He says a friend (same age) "taught" him.

So you just wouldn’t sleep incase something happened? They didn’t know this was happening till the ticket came through so they wouldn’t of gone without sleep before they knew there was something to look out for

There is something going on in his head. The fact his mum 'couldn't deal with him' he wants/ needs attention and he is trying to get it.

You as a bystander I really don't know. But if I were the step mum I would be saying to DH that him and the childs mum need to get the boy into counselling as a matter of urgency. Before he does something that has life long repercussions.

I've not read the whole thread so apologies if these suggestions have already been made.

I wonder if Young Minds or Childline would offer some help to both the parents and the 14 year old? The local authority (through school's SENCO) may also be able to help

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/

https://www.childline.org.uk/

“ParkrunDistance · Today 15:00

I don’t think it’s understandable to want him out of the house. If she didn’t want to be majorly impacted by someone else’s child, she shouldn’t have married (thereby, merging her live with) someone with children.
Connection is what’s missing here for this child I suspect. My understanding is that most (if not all) of these issues (risky behaviour, addiction, mental health etc) arise because a child hasn’t had a parent attuned to their emotional needs at some point/periods of time in their childhood. This needs urgent, professional, non judgemental help. GP can signpost, school can also. I would also get private help if you can afford it.”

This with bells on. And I completely agree - if you marry someone with kids and blend families, you’re in loco parentis to those DCs. The step-parent shouldn’t expect the stepchild to receive less good care and attention from the parent just because the step-parent is in the home. This boy needs support so as not to go completely off the rails.

FWIW, my DD knew a few people at school (girls and boys) who seemed to go completely off the rails for a few years when hormones hit but got their act together during 6th form and are now studying for degrees.

He needs stability in his home life for a start. As neither bio mother or stepmother want him living with them, dad should find a new home for him and his son. Spend plenty of time together, encourage him, play sport (join some clubs), go to football games, watch films together, offer to wash cars for money etc.., all the healthy things well-rounded 14 year olds do.

I agree with you, OP that the son should be prioritised.

I’d call the police. Yes, on my own child.

He’s committing multiple offences when he’s out in that vehicle, the police will get made aware of it and he potentially will be referred through to your local youth justice service (youth offending team). Entering the criminal justice system at 14 is far from ideal but it will open up some doors to help for him.

If this was my kid I'd move out liked I'd been asked to, and find somewhere to live with my son.

Son would be on a very short leash, and be signed up to counselling. I'd giving them a lot of time. I'd also be monitoring their devices.

Is there any concern about stuff like county lines??

He's 14. There's something very wrong for him to be behaving like this and dad needs to put all his energies into trying to help his child.

Surely he’s going to get prosecuted if SM discloses he was driving

What I would do is, I would overreact rather than underreact (before you say I wouldn't if it actually happened to me - I have on other things in the past, so I have very good reason to believe I would).

I would take leave from my job to put together a plan. That plan would involve zero internet access, compulsory sports, compulsory lots of time with me - walks every day. It would include a dog, either if we can get one or by regularly compulsory volunteering at an asylum. I would coordinate with his school and if the school wasn't responsive, take him out. I would ground him (in the sense of giving him ground to find, not in the sense of keeping at home) into physical stuff and real life and gratitude until he calmed down and I would keep having therapy available. And if it didn't work out, I would take him further away to go to one of those places where you can live from free if you do the work for a while.

Basically I would imagine what I would do if we were already three steps further and I would do it now. Just like I wouldn't chase down a falling house market by dropping the price too slowly, I wouldn't chase down by kid down a spiral by not pulling the emergency break hard enough fast enough.

But then I am very black and white, very good at admitting uncomfortable truths/seeing hard situations for what they are, very willing to try unconventional things and very stubborn.

The parents didn't know anything about it until the speeding tickets arrived.

The SM is not responsible for any of this (and I hope to God she's told the police and not accepted the points/fines - the speed cameras will have photographed the driver - so she could get into serious trouble). I'd want him out of my house too if I was her.

Shit parenting is to blame. The behaviour issues should have been addressed long ago. Now the kid is going to have a police record and points on a license he doesn't even have yet. But that might be a good thing. Consequences and all that.