What would you do if your 14yo son was taking your car out at night?

[Cliftrip]

It's happening to a friend. He only knows because he's (actually his wife, boy's SM) has received speeding tickets for times they were fast asleep.

The boy is clearly unhappy. He's been a "problem" for a long time, which is why he's living with dad FT, his mum said she couldn't take any more a out 18 months ago. You can see where some of the issues might stem from, but this is extreme.

SM is now (understandably) saying she doesn't want him in her house, and it is her house.

I feel my friend's (or someone's!) first priority should be the boy, but am at a loss for any practical advice or help.

When I meet him he's a quiet, polite and charming young lad!

Where do they turn?

That's terrible, I couldn't imagine being so out for the count I'd never hear anyone in our house.

I know the key issue is sorted but how on earth did a 14yr old leave the house undetected and no one even heard the car start?

He clearly needs help. Rather than chucking him out they need tohabve chats, impose boundaries and just actually parent.

his mum said she couldn't take any more

What happens when the dad says he can’t take anymore? Did she think she was going to play pass the parcel with their son?

They should have sorted the problems before dumping him on someone else.

I'd call the police before he kills himself or others

What sort of behaviours have led him to his mother not being able to cope with him anymore etc?
What has his father done to address his issues?
What’s he doing when he’s out? (I’d be worried about county lines)
How can a 14 year old drive a car competently and then park it back without raising suspicion?
That part sounds odd.

That’s true also modern cars are pretty easy automatics. It’d like driving a big go kart. My 14 yo has certainly tootled a few cars round fields. Landrover does a young driver programme locally so you can go out off-roading in a dual controlled defender with an instructor. Is £££s though.

We have motion activated security cameras on the entire perimeter of our home. They are common in our area. They are designed to capture intruders, though they mostly just take videos of local fauna.

It turns out they also work for making sure teenagers can’t enter or exit a home without detection. there have been some funny videos of teens sneaking out or trying to come in late and the entire thing is caught on camera.

Have they asked him where he’s going during these drives? As in is he involved in other crimes/drugs etc. Is he having mental health issues? Have the school noticed any behavioural problems?

Driving at 14 is not unusual everywhere. My dd got a learners permit at 14, started driving herself to school at 15, and now takes the very busy motorway during rush hour to get to her summer job 20 miles away at 16.

I would be ashamed i had a 14 year old son who i didnt know where he was during the night. Parenting doesn't start at 14 when he is on the road to becoming a young man. It starts early by discipline and parenting.

At 14 my son had to tell me where he was and what he was doing. That doesn't mean i said no to everything, it just meant respect works both ways.

Why do so many people ask for advice about something that is the tip of a very long road of ignorance and think there is a short term solution. Parenting standards have dropped massively.

No insurance, no driving licence, speeding on a public road.
Taking a car without permission, at least.

Let him kill someone and then wonder if someone should have acted or not.

After the fIrst time those keys should have been locked away so there was no second incident. Parents are responsible for any person injured and I hope they lose their house for not acting or protecting anyone.

No insurance, no driving licence, speeding on a public road.
Taking a car without permission, at least.

Let him kill someone and then wonder if someone should have acted or not.

After the fIrst time those keys should have been locked away so there was no second incident. Parents are responsible for any person injured and I hope they lose their house for not acting or protecting anyone.

I'd call the police.

Wider help will kick in when he is in the criminal justice system.

How is that relevant to a child taking a car without permission and driving illegally without any supervision/training and committing driving offences?

How do we know he hasnt?

Just because there is no damage doesnt mean he hasnt caused a crash on the road that might have resulted in a death.

Yes I agree that was a stupid comment. I used to be in the force and kids a lot younger than 14 do this unfortunately.

I would put a referral in to children's services and ask for support. Either targeted youth support or Adolescent support could be offered depending the area they live in.

Oh poor boy...

If I was the parent he was living with as hard as it clearly is I wouldn’t be sending him back to mum. That’s just reconfirming that no one really wants him around. I would be grounding him. Making it clear that I love him and then seeking professional help as well as getting the police involved so he understood it was a serious mistake.

SM wanting him out of the house is not okay. When she married the Dad she took on the kids too. If it was me and my partner wanted any of my kids out then I wouldn’t be going with them and finding us somewhere else to live.

Hide the car keys.

If my partner didn't want my 14 year old in their house, then we would need to leave. What else could I do? My child is my responsibility and I'd need to find somewhere else for us to live and try to resolve his issues.

They can ask social services for help.

The police will support referrals too as obviously this needs reporting to them.

Id also try the school and see if they can suggest any other local agencies to contact.

How on earth would a 14 year old even know how to drive a car that fast without crashing and them come back and park it up again with no one knowing

Electric cars are quiet (you wouldn't hear it leave the drive) and automatic (like driving a go kart) so actually easy for a 14 year old.

Hide the car keys
Too simplistic of an answer.
You are just dealing with the symptom of an issue and not looking at the cause.
Why has he got a need to fo this?
Is it to impress peers, therefore lack of self esteem.
Does he not respect parents?
Loads of stuff could be going on.
If you hid the keys i guarantee he would do something else that is extreme.
1st thing I would do is talk calmly,away from his normal surroundings and don't use emotive or loaded language to try and find out what is going on. I wouldnt accuse or use judgemental words.
2nd thing I'd do is get support from children's services and see if they have a targeted youth sessions where they could do positive activities, get to know him and then deal with the issues once they have built a trusting relationship.

SM is now (understandably) saying she doesn't want him in her house, and it is her house.
I feel my friend's (or someone's!) first priority should be the boy, but am at a loss for any practical advice or help.

Find somewhere to live with teen - if they really can't stay in SM house.

Then talk to school see what problems they have with him - see if they have any help available (less and less likely) - pay for counselling - get on waiting list for camhs. Put up some CTTV to help catch leaving kids - and talk to him about why he doing it and why it's so wrong. Rule out anything more serious like county lines involvement.

A 14 year old wouldn't get out this house without one of us being up to see wtf was going on - but it sound like Dad out that habit.