He’s hit me and I don’t know what to do

[ThinkINeedHelp]

I’m crying and I probably won’t make much sense but please try to help me see straight.
Had an awful evening. I know it started as my fault. I was cross as trying to house train two puppies but it’s been a bad day with them today. I was a bit annoyed and swore. I didn’t swear at anyone, it was a case of oh ffs, this is getting ridiculous.

He was angry with me and we argued. It’s eventually ended up with him grabbing my wrists, shoving me against the bedroom wall and then hitting me in the face. My nose hurts, so does my shoulder.

I’m now going to be homeless. I’ve no family, no friends anymore, don’t work and I live in his house. I’m so utterly pathetic.i can’t drive as I’ve had two glasses of wine but come tomorrow I’ll have to leave.
I’ve allowed myself to end up in this position , I’m in my late 50’s and I can’t believe I’ve been so bloody stupid.

Oh sweetpea you must be so scared. Sending so much love and strength to you.

You can forgive him for hurting you AND be thankful that he hasn't hurt you further AND still leave because its the best thing for you and your dogs. It will be hard but its better than this.

Please call Womens Refuge right now... 0808 2000 247

OP stick your phone on record in the morning and slide it under the microwave or some and record what he says to you. Then your worries about the police believing you will go because you have it on record. You may not be able to use it as evidence later on but the police will most definitely believe you!!!
Do it you have to leave him.

I'm so sorry, you absolutely do not deserve this awful, bullying behaviour. Start your life over without this shit. XXXXX I know it is scary but you can do it.

Please call 999 and 55. This is the Silent Solution: Pressing 55 after dialling 999 from a mobile phone leads the call operator to transfer the call to the local police, allowing those in danger to get help without having to speak.

I'm so sorry, you sound so broken
You must leave and things will get better
He has chipped away at your self esteem and confidence so much that you don't know which way is up.
Please contact your Step Dad. I know you haven't for a while, but those who care will want to help and support you.. so do let them help set you on your path to freedom

This is what they do abusers. They separate you from your friends and family, they get in your head and destroy your self esteem and make you believe they are better than you and no-one will believe you, and that you couldn’t survive without them. It’s not true, none of it. Your head, because of what he’s done, is lying to you. He’s destroying you. And he may kill you.

Even if you feel you can’t phone the police, please just leave him. You can call Refuge 24/7 on 08082000247 and they will support you through it. You can also live chat with them here if you can’t speak also but not until 10AM tomorrow: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ (10-10 Mon-Fri).

Or you can present at the council, and they will temporarily house you and refer you for support.

If you call the police though they will help you get your stuff and help you leave.

If you are worried about the dogs there are various pet fostering services that will come and get your dogs for you in these situations.

There are ALWAYS options. You can do this. Please just reach out and let someone help you.

Tomorrow, book in a Premier inn or Travelodge, pack a bag & leave, then report it to the police. Don't whatever you do hand your phone over to him. Turn off your location so he can't find you, change all your passwords. Once you have left, take some breathing space, then go to you nearest housing office & report as homeless, they may pay for you to stay in wherever you are staying, get on the housing list. If you can afford it, you could look for a private rent.
If the police arrest him, don't whatever you do retract your statement, he needs to be stopped. Contact Women's Aid & ask the police to speak to their Domestic Violence officer.

You’re not an idiot, you’re living with a charming man who is an abuser.
You have lots of good advice here please take it and start living a happier life.
Don’t t be afraid because your new life will be better than this.

tomorrow he is going to tell you he is sorry, he doesn’t know why he did it, he won’t do it again, and he loves you (but also that you pushed his buttons)

when he doesn’t this, just remember how many people have written the exact same thing on here. Pack his bag and kick him out, call people to support you.

or contact a women’s refuge, I suspect (haven’t read) that there are many suggestions of who/how, so listen to these people here. also tell more than one person that you know IMMEDIATELY as they will help prevent you hiding it and minimising it tomorrow.

edited because I have read more of the thread…do not wait, call the police right now, you will chicken out tomorrow if you don’t. He is a violent dangerous man and he will not get away with it. Follow the advice jere

I worked at his business for several years before he sold up. He wanted to retire and wanted me to be home with him. I haven’t worked for five years.
Seeing it written down like this really shows me for the total idiot I am.

OP, you are not an idiot, you went into this relationship in good faith and he has bullied, undermined and manipulated you until he has you exactly where he wants you, ....controlling your every waking moment.

IT IS ONLY 5 YEARS since you were a whole, functioning person, working and earning so its not long at all.
You will easily get back into work once you're out of this toxic environment.

Many on here have given links to DA networks....listen to them and ask for help.
Ring the police and report the assaults. YOU MUST DO THIS FIRST THING.

As soon as you can, secure your finances & change ALL passwords.

Charge your phone overnight and turn the volume on full. When you leave your room in the morning set it to RECORD.

Check "find me" is not on your phone so he cant track you.
Ring the breeder and return the puppies, dont leave them with him, he's likely to be spiteful.
Dont' believe a word he says! You can get your life back. 💪

Hand hold from me, OP. Continue being brave, you deserve a lovely life without fear, violence and abuse.

Just a thought, if he gave you the phone - ensure it doesn’t have any trackers or spy wear enabled, otherwise he will know your movements, actions, plans and contacts.

Stay safe, and believe in your heart that you can do this, and believe free.

I’ve managed a couple of hours sleep. I woke with a panic as I heard him moving around but he’d gone to the toilet, the en-suite is next to the room I’m in.

Im not concerned about the puppies or our older dog, he loves them more than anything. We were both devastated last year when our oldest lovely boy had to be pts.

There’s not a chance he’ll apologise for this, he’ll be adamant it’s my fault and that I’ll have wound him up.
His favourite expression is “I cannot tell a lie, it was him” as in, it’s just me trying to blame him and that I’ll never admit responsibility. His entire face changes, his eyes become so full of hatred. Things haven’t been physical for some time but the arguments are regular.

He seems to think that calling me names is absolutely ok and that because I live in his house, I’ve no right to say anything back. He’ll say oh “poor you” repeatedly, in a really high pitched voice. “Oh poor you! The big bad nasty man called me names” Apparently it’s time I got into the real world and realised that people don’t like me. That’s the reason I’ve no friends because I treat them badly. That because didn’t want children, I’ll be a bitter and twisted old woman. Or as he also calls me, a post menopausal bitter and twisted old woman.

Oh love. This is one o f the saddest things I’ve ever read on here.
Please please get some help and just go. The satisfaction of the smug bastard seeing that you have actually left would be amazing.
you can do this.
you can leave
you are worth so much more than him

@Simplepink Every kind post I read makes me cry a little.
I doubt everything about myself now.

I’m really so sorry to read this. You deserve so much more than this. Please get out safely as soon as you’re able to. Keep us updated. Whether you call the police or not is your call. My ex never physically hit me but he could be emotionally very cruel and no-one would have believed it as he was so charming too.

Call the Police Op he’s a Monster…. You deserve so much more than this.

I’ve got a banging headache, too many tears and not enough sleep. He’s been moving around again, the puppies are barking at something. I’m on edge.

Reading the comments about domestic abuse and womens refuge. He has said several times in the past “if you think you’re badly treated, get to the refuge, they’ll laugh in your face”
According to him, most violence against women is their own fault. We are always whinging, having a go when they are tired etc.

He’s just gone downstairs. Taking one of the dogs out. Dread to think what the next few hours will bring tbh

You’re so brave for posting on here. I can see that with every post you are able to tell how manipulative and wrong this awful man is. He’s followed the abusers handbook and isolated you, belittled you and threatened you all so you feel worthless and trapped with him, The reason he has done that is that you are not trapped with him. You’re free. you can phone the police and they will collect you and you can live without him. He is the trapped one.

OP I haven't read every post. But when similar happened to me and I called the police he was put in a cell for 24 hours then wasn't allowed to contact me for two months. This is his flat, I have no claim to it whatsoever, but he was not allowed to step over the threshold. I actually asked them if he could come back and I'd go to my parents so our paths wouldn't cross but the police said absolutely not, the offence happened here and our priority is protecting you. So he slept on a friend's sofa for two months.

Honestly we needed that time apart. Although he's back now, very apologetic and I withdrew the allegations I made (although they were true...) I feel so much stronger for just having that space and time to myself.

Please call the police. Based on my experience they have been lovely and understanding and it's him who'll need to find somewhere else while bail conditions apply. You can use that time to decide what to do.

He sounds like a twat though x

Please do call the police. Everyone I dealt with when I was having my similar issue was just so nice and caring. I still get follow up calls from the lead officer at a time he knows H will be at work to check I'm ok, months and months after the incident.

You really do need some time away from this arse to decide what to do

Oh op. I'm so sorry. I echo others, please call the police x

I’m so sorry for what you have been through. Can I tell you about a friend of a friend? I was at friend’s house last week and the next day she was visiting her friend at her new flat. She had been married to an emotionally abusive man for years and recently had enough.

She was put in touch with a charity and they work with a few landlords and have been able to find her a lovely flat. It isn’t big but in lovely condition and space for her mobility scooter. Friend said she had spoken to her to get her address and she sounded like her old self again.

I have a couple of friends who have been in abusive relationships and have a policy now of once I have made my point about their partner’s behaviour I won’t say anything else, accept they may not be in contact for sometime but am always there for when they decide to leave. It has happened twice now, most recent one got in touch last month. Please do consider contacting your friends.

I’m so sorry to hear this. You say this isn’t the first time it’s happened but is this the first time you’ve told someone and sought help? Please please listen to the women here who have been through this. Call either the police or Women’s Aid today. There is help available. And I bet your friends would be there for you now no matter how long it’s been since you talked to them. Everyone knows abusers work to isolate their victims.
I think you are minimising this because he is elderly. My former colleague was 70 when she was murdered by her 86 year old husband. Please don’t stay in a situation that means this could be you.
Good luck today. I honestly think you will feel so much better if you reach out for help.