He’s hit me and I don’t know what to do

[ThinkINeedHelp]

I’m crying and I probably won’t make much sense but please try to help me see straight.
Had an awful evening. I know it started as my fault. I was cross as trying to house train two puppies but it’s been a bad day with them today. I was a bit annoyed and swore. I didn’t swear at anyone, it was a case of oh ffs, this is getting ridiculous.

He was angry with me and we argued. It’s eventually ended up with him grabbing my wrists, shoving me against the bedroom wall and then hitting me in the face. My nose hurts, so does my shoulder.

I’m now going to be homeless. I’ve no family, no friends anymore, don’t work and I live in his house. I’m so utterly pathetic.i can’t drive as I’ve had two glasses of wine but come tomorrow I’ll have to leave.
I’ve allowed myself to end up in this position , I’m in my late 50’s and I can’t believe I’ve been so bloody stupid.

No better advice than what's already above, but I just wanted to say that I've recently re united with a friend who 'ghosted' me about 10 years ago. I knew at the time it was her abusive husband who had stopped her contacting me and I was so happy when she reached out to tell me she'd left him. Please try reaching out to old contacts when the time is right - you might be surprised.
Things will only get better from here on in. Stay strong and follow the advice above to make sure you leave in the morning.

You’re not an idiot.

You will be better off without him, even if it seems hard and scary now.

Stay safe tonight and make sure you get away from it.

Also report to police.

He will get worse. We're in a small cul de sac. Couple at the top both in their late seventies. She was widowed so second husband. She came running down the road one night banged on my neighbours door. They woke up ran down and let her in he had hit her. It all came out then he had been hitting her for years. But he said he'd kill her that night

They called the police. One arrested him. Another took her statement. Unfortunately she retracted her statement.

This happened again police called. Again arrested, but she withdrew complaint.

Third time Christmas morning her children arrived, he answered the door told them she was in the bathroom. Went to investigate, yes she was locked in and had been all night. They called the police again he was arrested, the police advised her to go through with it this time. She refused.

Then the house went on the market. They moved away. We heard a while later that he'd been sent to prison for three years for beating her up.

@ThinkINeedHelp this woman was wealthy. She lost friends her children and nearly her life because of the monster she married.

Please 🙏 call the police. One police visit might do it. If not let him swing in the breeze, and keep the house.

if you've got enough money to get a taxi out tonight to a hotel, then go.
Worry about reporting to police ect in the clear of day.
Just leave now.

Oh sorry OP I sent my comment, then just realised you already said you don’t work. Yes he was very crafty what he did there.

Hi op, if you call the police now, I’m assuming they will come and arrest him. Then you can have some time to pack your things with someone with you, and get yourself together, would that be an option? Also you say your online banking is on the phone he has threatened to take away from you. Does he have access to that, does he know your passwords? If so, maybe change them. You need to make sure only you can access your money.

Tomorrow you can go to the council and let them know you’re homeless and at risk. Just make sure you do that safely. The council can arrange accommodation for you, which may be a refuge, and can refer you to a domestic abuse charity that can help. Life will be new and scary but you’re used to doing hard things because you’ve been in this relationship for a long time. You will find peace and freedom you have forgotten is possible, and can build a life you love.

As utterly pathetic as it sounds, I don’t think I want him arrested. Maybe it’s because he’s so much more intelligent than I am, that they’ll just believe what he tells them.
Reminds me of the time he threatened to phone the doctors.
I’d had trouble with the initial type HRT I’d been given , the gp I’d seen had increased my dose and it really didn’t agree with me. I ended up with an emergency appointment. He decided to tell me he was going to speak to the doctors, tell them I was basically unhinged.
When I pointed out that the gp wouldn’t speak to him, the response was “ I’m very charming and persuasive”

He also blames me for my dad having had Alzheimer’s and tells me I’ll get it too and that I’ll end up being sectojust like my dad was.

I rather doubt he is more intelligent than you!! You have just been conditioned to believe that! Call Womans Aid in the morning, they will help you.

Oh sweetheart none of this is your fault. Get some rest and tomorrow is another day. You deserve better, and you absolutely can get away from this monster. We are here for you x

Right now he seems all powerful and you’re worried about how he might respond and act. With time though you will come to see him for what he is, pathetic man who bullies the person he is supposed to love and protect.

None of this is your fault.

Get a taxi now and call the police when you are safe in a hotel.

Without him abusing you, your confidence will return, you can get a job, rebuilt connections and friendships. You will be OK, far better than you feel now.

He sounds absolutely horrible - cruel and nasty. So sorry you are going through this, please leave him as soon as you can. He wants you to believe that your life without him would be bleak but it will be so much better.

They will change.
Steadily worsen.

Be strong and leave.
My husband would resort to hitting me when we fell out about things. I learned over the years to recognise his facial expressions and realise when he was going to blow...

That worked for a while, then he got wise and turned anyway.

The last time he raised his hand to me I warned him
"You can shout, you can mouth off at me, BUT.... YOU NEVER EVER RAISE YOUR HAND AGAINST ME EVER AGAIN"

The authority poured out of me and he backed off
He has never raised his hand against me since.... though the last time he did anything, he was being unreasonable and blaming it in me... and he threw his 1/2pint pot of hot tea across the room. Tea everywhere, even on the ceiling!

That was THE last time. My attitude towards him was so stalemate
No conversation for a week. I had no wish to look at him much less utter a squeak that could be interpreted as a gesture. He tried to out last me but gave in because he realised that it was dangerously, relationship endingly deep.

Ive spent a lifetime being love to everyone. I sweat affection, but I have scant left for him at all now. I love my children, grandchildren and my home.
Its enough

The 2 reasons couples fall out are :
they care enough to fight for each other
Or they detest one another....

When the arguments stop :
They found peace in the fact that they no longer care.

I’m sorry you have gone through this, this is what abusers do, they chip away at your self confidence, make you think you won’t be believed, make you think you’re stupid, threaten and control you. You’re not, I know you don’t see that at the moment though because he’s made you believe it.

The police have to take you seriously, and even if you get him arrested and don’t want to take things further, because of what you said above. Him being arrested will at the very least give you time to get out of there with everything you need and get advice from the correct people. I will just say again, if you have bruises that is evidence, and even if you don’t they can’t just believe him, they will investigate.

And with the doctor, again they have a duty of care to you, they would not have spoken to him or believed him. He’s saying these things to scare you. You will be ok but only you can change this for yourself ❤️

I'm so sorry - what a dreadful position to be in. First things first, log into your online banking and change your passwords. Your money is your money and you need to protect it.

If you don't feel you can call the police, start to make a plan to leave. Either alone, by contacting the agencies others have mentioned or via old friends/family. You might feel that the ship has sailed with the latter, but I suspect you'd find far more support than you think.

I think you've realised that you can't stay with this person. He's clearly dangerous and has been both physically and emotionally abusive. If isn't too late to make a fresh start.

You are highly emotional right now (understandably) and the couple of glasses may still be in your system so you won’t be able to think rationally, so don’t act on it yet.

Sleep in the spare room and give each other space. Think it through tonight / tomorrow morning. He may come and apologise but make very clear that if he hits you again you will go to the police. I’m not telling you to stay with him, you definitely need to leave, but just work out your plan first with a rational mind. Don’t stay with someone who hits you, even if he does apologise.

I'm so sorry. I have no idea what the laws are like in the UK, but in the US if you have such a long history of living with him and you contributed to the bills for 15 years out of the 20, you potentially have some ownership and rights to the house.

If you have ever done any work on the house too like helping remodel, repair, keep things up, upgrade it, you have sweat equity in the house, at least in the US.

I don't know if there is a concept of palimony there but in some places if you have been contributing to his career and his home and supporting him you can actually get a settlement from him of sorts.

You are not stupid. He is.

Everyone else has pretty much covered it, but honestly;
-This is NOT your fault
-You're not AT ALL stupid, just exhausted
-You CAN leave
-It's not for you to be embarrassed- that's his job, as the one who is behaving so badly.

Things can and will get better for you :) I hope all the kind words in this thread help you to get yourself someplace safe.
Also I wanted to mention real quick, dogs trust take in dogs to foster homes short term (over months if needed!) whilst people in your situation find their feet again, it's called the freedom project: https://www.dogstrustfreedom.org.uk/ hopefully that may help too.
I wish you so well, you deserve to enjoy the rest of your life, I know you have the courage to pursue a life you love, we believe in you ❤️

YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT. He is a nasty pathetic bully and you WILL be better off without him. You CAN rebuild your life. There is help out there... you go and get it and let him go to hell. OP, if you report him to the police it'll be a great shock to him and will show him you're not intimidated by him any more. But don't be persuaded to stay... Abusers don't change.... EVER !!!! Get help from women's aid. You will get through this.

So sorry to read what you have and are going through. And I totally agree you should get the police involved.
Have you got marks in your wrist and/or face from his assault? If you have it might be a good idea to take a photo of them, to use as evidence. Hope you have a safe and peaceful night and are able to get some sleep. But more importantly keep safe.

Also OP... see a female doctor.... she'll have dealt with many abused women and won't be "charmed" by him.

Sending love and support. You can do it, break free of his horrible violent control.

As others say try and leave maybe once he's out, and I hope you can get into a refuge. Or speak to friends and family.

You're doing the right thing by getting away, but nobody will judge or blame you as people get brainwashed almost by their abuser. I know felt powerless at one point to get out.

And of course do tell the police once you feel strong enough. It's illegal what he did. You deserve so much better x

Sweetheart, they wont believe him over you, thats just what he has convinced you.

Call 999, please lovey.

I am 52 so close to age as you. Please call them xxx