He’s hit me and I don’t know what to do

[ThinkINeedHelp]

I’m crying and I probably won’t make much sense but please try to help me see straight.
Had an awful evening. I know it started as my fault. I was cross as trying to house train two puppies but it’s been a bad day with them today. I was a bit annoyed and swore. I didn’t swear at anyone, it was a case of oh ffs, this is getting ridiculous.

He was angry with me and we argued. It’s eventually ended up with him grabbing my wrists, shoving me against the bedroom wall and then hitting me in the face. My nose hurts, so does my shoulder.

I’m now going to be homeless. I’ve no family, no friends anymore, don’t work and I live in his house. I’m so utterly pathetic.i can’t drive as I’ve had two glasses of wine but come tomorrow I’ll have to leave.
I’ve allowed myself to end up in this position , I’m in my late 50’s and I can’t believe I’ve been so bloody stupid.

You brave, brave lady! You’re going to be so much happier and you fully deserve it. This is the start of your amazing new life!

A side note - I am just wondering what a man like this thinks when they realise they have been left when least expecting it?
Often a man like the one here, who has run a company and been a boss? Ruled their wife/partner by fear and violence, more concerned about what the neighbours will think?
For the women, it seems to me the absolute isolation and reduction of proper connection which enables it.
This man, even though he hasn’t lost his cool, must be wondering how on earth the woman he’d ruled for so long, has managed to walk out with her keys, car, passport and little else?
They must have an infinite belief they are upstanding members of the community, that people admire them, and would never believe anyone would have the temerity to leave them.
It just goes to show that with good support, encouragement and a new place to stay, anything is possible in a short space of time.
And a whole heap of bravery!!!!

I couldn't be more pleased for you, onwards and upwards, sky's the limit. 💐

You are being amazing. And your step brother sounds like a true brother to you.

He's probably busy telling everyone that he threw her out for cheating on him. If he's said anything at all.

Wow, there's absolutely no stopping you now. You just never know who'll come your way to help you along. You're making it happen.

A part time job sounds perfect.

I’m so happy at the moment, we decided to celebrate my new job and dsb insisted we went out to a little Italian place that’s near his house.
There is still a nagging doubt, that somehow it will all go wrong, but I’m trying so very hard to push it away.

My dsb has been an absolute godsend, he blushed when I told him how much his help has meant to me, he did smile too.

i miss the dogs
There is no magic wand for happiness, I’m just looking for glimpses at the moment

Right well now we have a problem.

Because I am a proper hard hearted cow who didnt even cry when Dobby died. Thats how bad ass I am!!

But you made me sweat from my eyes with this one. Its not tears, its sweat because it's so hot......definitely!

One day at a time OP. All journeys begin with one small step. And the rest just follows on from there. There's always ups and downs but now you know you can handle anything that comes. You got this !!!!

Considering you only wrote your thread on 15th at almost this time at night, and it's the 19th now

you have moved mountains !!!

In 4 days, just 4 days you got yourself together and left him

you have found that you do indeed have ' family ' and ' friends ' - us ! and your ' new ' next door neighbour ! and very soon you are going to have colleagues ! as you have now even got a job !!!

I would accept sb's offer of a couple of his friends to accompany you back to the property to collect any stuff you want.

Do you really need the stuff at the old place because if you can live without it you should.
A visit to get it (even with two guys) wouldn’t be worth it - it could set you back and you’ve done so well. Don’t look back!

@ThinkINeedHelp

"There is no magic wand for happiness, I’m just looking for glimpses at the moment"

Hey, glimpses are just fine. And they're there. It could be that you just aren't seeing them.

New job (glimpse), reunification with your DSB (glimpse), the courage it took to leave (glimpse), your new found freedom (BIG glimpse). Actually, those are huge flashes of light, but we'll call them glimpses for now just to keep you happy😉.

And you mention no friends 'anymore. If you have old friends who have drifted or been pushed away (by him) contact them. I'll bet they'll be overjoyed to hear from you. You may have to hear 'I told you so' a few times but it will be worth it.

I have a friend who has been pulled away by an abusive partner. It has been 5 years and I am still praying for her call (and for her). And I will welcome her with tears of joy and the biggest hugs in the world if that day ever comes, even if I am 90 years old when it does.

Have you had any more messages from him or have you sensibly blocked him. I’m surprised he hasn’t cranked it up

I nearly commented when you were still there and said your old friends will probably be glad to hear from you. As a group we had one friend become distant after marriage. Once she divorced and reached out again we were more than happy to see her. I had another friend who had just drifted there was no hard feelings but I was very happy to get in touch again when she tried. Hopefully your lovely SB has proved that people still care, dust off the old phone numbers and drop them a text. You have nothing to loose by trying. You’ve done so well, the chance of rejection might feel too much right now, which is fair enough but remember you have achieved so much in the past week that you didn’t think was possible. Define yourself but what is happening now not the you of two weeks ago.

Such a lovely update from you. You deserve to be free and happy. I won’t reply to his texts, just ignore him.
You should be extremely proud of yourself, after all those years, you found the strength you needed to escape.
Hope you have many more good days 😘

No more messages as yet, I haven’t blocked his number.
Things have moved so quickly over the last few days, but of a whirlwind really, I’m still trying to figure it all out.

I know that I will miss him, he does have a terrific sense of humour and could make me laugh so much, BUT he can make me cry equally as often. I’d got to the point where I wouldn’t cry in front of him, or at least try my absolute best not to, didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he’d got to me.

It’s going to be a slow process, each morning I wake up and see that I’m not in my old home, there’s a feeling of panic although it soon passes. The sunshine is definitely helping, getting outside, enjoying some peace.

So glad for you OP, you did the right thing and you have your whole life in front of you, to do what you want! Please keep us updated, I'm so proud of you! 😊

You'll get there OP.... and you'll miss the good bits less and less as you realise there's even better out there for you. And even one attack from him cancels out all of the good. Once you're working and busy he'll fade into obscurity where he belongs. Hang in there. You can't erase all those years, good or bad, but you can know that you deserve so much better. And you'll have it.

I have never been happier for anyone on the internet than I am right now! This is the beginning of your brand new, happy life! What a bonus to reconnect with your step brother - he sounds lovely!

I've loved seeing your updates, that's so exciting about the potential job offer! It's lovely to see you enjoying your freedom and going out to restaurants etc after everthing. It's so nice that it all worked out with your stepbrother too!

You have a lot of people in your corner <3

I've been reading your progress @ThinkINeedHelp and can I just say, it is inspirational, how well you've done.

I'm sure it will get harder at some point, but honestly, you've done what so many women struggle to do. I think you're amazing!

I know that I will miss him, he does have a terrific sense of humour and could make me laugh so much.

@ThinkINeedHelp have only just seen this thread, and like many others I've shed a few tears for you. You've got out of there and you're being amazing!

Over time, it can be so hard to stop rose-tinted thinking from weakening your resolve.

I was in a similar situation. It helped me not to think of the 'nice' and 'nasty' things about my ex as two sides of the scales, but to see the 'good' aspects of him as the bait in the middle of a very painful trap.

It is only natural you will miss things about him and your home. There would be something amiss if you didn’t. Nobody is a complete monster. And even complete monsters often have spouses or partners.
As I am a similar age I think us women need a sense of peace. Of course, we can have adventures but at home, we want a safe space.
He was not that for you. The way he treated you was horrific, and the laughing times were to keep you on the hook.
Take your time. It will be a process, even like a grief. But in it there is a chance for peace.

@ThinkINeedHelp you need to be angry at him for violating you!

Nothing to miss about his funny, jokey , nice side. He abused you!

please speak to your GP for some support , it ll help you love yourself all over again

It's natural to feel this. The full weight of it hits you slowly, when you let go of someone who was such a big part of your life. You're overwhelmed with all the rapid fire changes coming at you all at once. There will be a small part of you that wants to take refuge in the familiar, especially when things get harder, the way life always does.

You're grieving the man he could have been. But you gave him twenty years to be that man, and he couldn't do it. It's not wrong to see that there were good times mixed in with the bad. He's a human being. But overall, he didn't respect that you were a human being too. It's sad, but you can't take the good without the bad, in this case. And the sad fact is, when you look at the whole person, the bad outweighed the good, and he caused you harm more than he could ever make you happy.

You can pity him. I would. I pity a lot of people I'll never speak to again, who have done terrible things. It's human, and it's good for your healing to see him as he really is. If he wasn't a monster all the time, you don't have to pretend he was. But you don't have to have anything more to do with him either. You don't ever have to go back to being his punching bag. It wasn't helping him anyway, was it? You absorbed the brunt of all his insecurity and anger, and what happened? There was always more. There always would have been more. It's up to him to fix himself. At this order of his life, he probably won't. But he's a grown man and that's his choice.

You deserve a man who doesn't enjoy seeing you cry. A man who would comfort you, not shame you, for it. Or maybe you go it alone and lean on your friends, and find you don't want another man at all. It's up to you. But you'll be happier either way than you were with your ex. You'll find other ways to laugh, I promise you 🌺