He’s changed his mind

[wanting2not1]

when I met my husband we spoke about children and marriage I made it clear I wanted at least 2 children and close in age I’m very close in age to my sibling he’s also very close in age to his siblings. He agreed with me said that he wanted children close in age. We now have a 9 month old and he’s changed his mind he’s said he wants to wait till our baby is a lot older or maybe even not have one. I can’t do it all again when older I want to do the baby stage and move on I also want a close age gap. I’m heart broken that he’s changed his mind. I fully support he’s entitled to change his mind but very sad that having another probably won’t happen as I don’t want a big age gap. Has anyone got any advice on how to handle my emotions on this I keep getting sad that I won’t have another.

It's a valid thing to be said about, even while you recognise that someone has the right to change their mind. Counselling?

thank you yes we have considered therapy we are in a really good place and considered therapy when we where struggling but didn’t. We think couples therapy when we are both in a good place would actually work better.

I didn't mean couples therapy, I mean you seeing someone individually to talk through the impact on you. But couples therapy might work, too.

The key is not only to manage your own sadness, but your own present and future resentment, as resentment is a relationship-killer. Yes, your husband can change his mind, just like you can.

One thing to consider in managing your sadness and disappointment is to recognize that your husband is being honest with you, which is a gift. He could have hidden his feelings about not wanting additional children and just gone along with it, only to become a distant or unhelpful father and be resentful later. Would you rather have two children and be resentful of his lack of involvement, or would you rather count your blessings with the one child you do have, and a father that recognizes his limits?

I know that may sound insensitive when all you have ever dreamed of his having two children, close in age, but Life usually does not follow our exact scripts and we have to be flexible and find joy where we can. So, while feeling sadness and disappointment is normal and you will need some time to work on that, recognize that finding joy in what you do have in your wonderful family of 3 will help.

People agree to all sorts about theoretical children but they aren’t obliged to follow through.

If you were the one that had changed their mind would you be happy to be forced to have another child because you agreed to it once?

You need to find out why he has changed his mind, and you also need to be open to an age gap. What if he had agreed and then you had secondary infertility? Would you have stopped trying? You aren’t showing a lot of flexibility and with a 9 month old you are right in the thick of it. There’s plenty of time. Life doesn’t always follow what you imagine but it doesn’t mean it isn’t good.

He’s changed his mind on the age gap due to wanting to get settled with our baby. He wants to have a break from baby stuff before another. I also was very sick with my first baby the sickness was awful on me and him. He’s not one for really discussing it likes to just say let’s wait and see. Lots of my friends are pregnant again and the ones that aren’t are planning on trying soon. I’m so broody at the moment. He definitely wants another but when has mentioned a 3 + age gap being ok. I really don’t want a baby with that much of an age gap so I’m coming to terms with the fact I won’t have another. And no I wouldn’t want to be forced to have another if I changed my mind which is why I won’t be forcing him I just need to find ways to cope. It’s also hard as I do have adhd and the not knowing is very hard I plan my life and always think about the future. So not knowing if he will want to try for a baby in the next 6 months or in 3 years saying let’s wait and see. I’m going to have to work on myself and settle on the fact I may not have another.

I think that people can have the idea of having 2 children close together. Then you get pregnant. You were very sick when you were pregnant as well. Your baby is now just 9 months old and may be sleeping through the night by now.
Your husband may have realised that parenting is harder than he expected and he knows that if you get pregnant that you could get sick again. At the same time you could have a toddler needing care also.

I think he has been honest and rather than bringing another child into the world resenting them and you he wants to wait. He wants to have an age gap of 3 years plus and you don't want this age gap. Some times things don't go according to plan and you have to accept this. One of my friends did nursing, loves kids and wanted a few kids as did her husband. She had a hard pregnancy and nearly died giving birth. She was told not to have another pregnancy because of this.

You’re in a really difficult stage where it’s hard to think about anything else let alone another baby as you are both looking after a baby 24/7. You can give him time or you can accept that he doesn’t want another baby. You both have to be all in.

I would park the idea of a baby and see how he feels in a year. I know you want the babies to be close in age but you have to compromise and this post sounds a bit me me me tbh.

We have a 3.5 year age gap and it’s brilliant. It wasn’t our choice but we struggled to conceive, so here we are. In the meantime I have watched a lot of people who have smaller age gaps ‘two under two’ and they openly admit it’s hell for the first few years. We haven’t had any of the same challenges as being that bit older she communicates well, sleeps well, is really helpful with the baby and much more independent in the house. I’m sure we’ll have plenty of different challenges as she gets older, but there are lots of positives to bigger age gaps. I would try to not be so definitive about it. Enjoy your nine month old and pick up the conversation again in another year. As others have said, perhaps seek some therapy to support you with this.

Having a child is a huge upheaval. Maybe he’s struggling with it all.

I would park the idea fur a while, and not mention it. Take the pressure of and revisit the idea in 6-12 months plus.

There are advantages to a 3 year gap - less likely to be paying for two kids at university at the same time!

Sounds like you're throwing your toys out of the pram.

He says it's too soon and points to a 3 year age gap. You decide this is too large (it really isn't) so you've now decided not to have another child at all.

Giving birth is dangerous and takes a huge toll on the body. Allow your body to heal and focuson your baby.

3 years isn’t a big gap

Sorry but you’re being ridiculous and selfish. He hasn’t said he doesn’t want another child. He says he wants to wait before having another.

But you’re hyper focusing on the age gap so completely missing the bigger picture.

FGS enjoy the baby you have rather than already wishing for another. You’re talking about being broody- you’ve already got a baby! Why don’t you focus on looking after the baby you do have?

2-4 years isn’t a big gap you are still in the trenches at the moment. Things settle (slightly) over one year so maybe agree to discuss it again in6 months?

This!
A 9 month old is still a baby.....are you one of those people that can't just be happy living in the present and has to move on to the 'next big thing' immediately?
We have a 3.5 year age gap, my eldest is 18 and my youngest is 15. It was perfect for us, when the youngest was born my eldest 'understood' why he sometimes had to wait a minute before I could get/do something. He loved 'helping' with the baby and used to potter over and get me nappies and wipes if I had my hands full!
It was a lovely time and I definitely wouldn't have wanted them closer together.

I’m not being selfish I just want the baby’s ages close together I want the baby stage over with together I don’t think I could handle having the baby stage re start again 3 years later. I’m going back to work when child starts school this would delay it even more. I’m really not being selfish. Everyone is entitled to an opinion on when they have a baby for me it’s now or never and for him it’s not and that’s ok.

I think it’s odd you’re being so rigid and would potentially either not have a second child or end a relationship just because you don’t want to wait a few years. Just go back to work when you’re ready, don’t plan it around having more children. Nothing in life is perfect timing wise. I don’t think selfish is quite the right word but I do think you’re being rather petulant.

His reasons are practical and sensible and you really must respect that, even if you do not agree with them, as you are entitled to do. But a word of caution. There are absolutely no guarantees that siblings close in age will actually be close. In fact, dependent on the children, their personalities, gender, etc., they may end up being closer with a larger age gap. It feels as if you have built up this perfect scenario, based on very specific things, and have given no thought to the fact that Life does not always follow the path of our expectations.

I think your husband is right to have a bit of a gap. 3 years is lovely as the first child is not longer in the terrible 2s and you've given your body a bit of a break.

Be happy that he is prepared to discuss this with you.

I do not think you are intentionally being selfish, but by your own admission you stated, "I also was very sick with my first baby the sickness was awful on me and him."

You are saying that you essentially want to get all the baby stuff done in a few years, rather than reintroduce it later, but he is not wanting to reintroduce so soon another bad pregnancy that was "awful" on both of you.

You both have legitimate and valid reasons for your opinions, but you both cannot get your way. Given he would be fine having another child later or not at all, and would probably be resentful if you forced him to commit to an earlier schedule, you have to ask yourself, how much resentment will you have if you have to wait? Can you keep in mind that your expectations that it is easier to go through the baby stage sooner with a second while your first is a toddler could be a very false assumption? Could you also understand that assuming a narrow age gap will mean less sibling rivalry could also be a false assumption?

I think in your case, you really need to find gratitude and contentment in your present state with your family. If you cannot find the joy in having your first child and focus on that baby NOW but are always lamenting what you do not have, you will never be happy in life. You will always view everything, even the miracle of giving life to another human being, as a glass half-full thing.

I think your husband may have realised just what is involved in havind children and maybe he is not getting. as much attention

Could be a deal breaker for your future together. Maybe getteing some kind of marriage guidance type counselling asap may help.

Fungers Crossed
🤞
X

Ahh this is so difficult OP! I know you feel let down because he agreed with you originally but it’s sooo different when you’ve actually have a child rather than just talking about it.
I woudl give it a few months and see how you both feel. Your baby is still very young so your husband might change his mind with time

OP you need to have a conversation with your DH so he knows that you don't want a big gap and so there will be no second baby, otherwise he'll go through this in a couple of years. He may not realise how much you don't want a bigger age gap

And not having two in nappies!