He’s changed his mind

[wanting2not1]

when I met my husband we spoke about children and marriage I made it clear I wanted at least 2 children and close in age I’m very close in age to my sibling he’s also very close in age to his siblings. He agreed with me said that he wanted children close in age. We now have a 9 month old and he’s changed his mind he’s said he wants to wait till our baby is a lot older or maybe even not have one. I can’t do it all again when older I want to do the baby stage and move on I also want a close age gap. I’m heart broken that he’s changed his mind. I fully support he’s entitled to change his mind but very sad that having another probably won’t happen as I don’t want a big age gap. Has anyone got any advice on how to handle my emotions on this I keep getting sad that I won’t have another.

I 100% get this, mine are close together and in my opinion it works well for me, my daughter finishes school this year, and then my son in two years, it would be a drag if he had another 3 or 4 years to go!

Small age gaps won't necessarily mean they will get on. There are no guarantee of good sibling relationships ever.

Well, I think people are being kind but this is a bit ridiculous, Op.

I read your thread title thinking he had reneged on children at all, and then as I read, thought you might go on to say that he'd stick just to one but your grievance is just that he'd like to wait longer and that doesn't suit you as well because you are broody and your friends are moving on to having to children and now you say you won't have a second child at all if it's not on your schedule.

Not only are you being incredibly dramatic, this is like some emotive hostile negotiation. Your poor DH, have a second child now or never have a second child....who would tolerate being strongarmed by their partner like this? This is awful.

If he's changed his mind on having another close in age make it clear you will be going back to work full time and baby will be going into nursery and he will need to share childcare. This won't be that he is expecting but if he can pull the rug from under you then ditto. Don't get trapped and have your career suffer by staying off until baby is at school. Either he will decide he doesn't want another, you will resent him and the relationship may break down leaving you at massive disadvantage having been working part time and several years behind in your career. OR he will then trap you further by having another and you being 19 years behind in your careers and facing an uphill struggle to re enter the workplace. I think you need to go back full time irrespective now. He will be annoyed that his free ride on childcare is over and you have options and time to think. You can stay with him from a position of power and see if this changes anything ( he may agree to two close together when he knows you won't be making his life easy running the home, or you may decide another child is too important and leave to find someone who really wants that if it becomes clear he has changed the goalposts.

Why not look at the upsides of a larger age gap. A gap of less than 2.5 years is tough for the older child. They’re still a toddler who needs their mom a lot. You now think the baby stage is the only hard one - wrong. The toddler stage has its unique challenges and takes a toll on parents.

You can look at it as having more time to dedicate to your first born, so after a few years you are recovered and could dedicate time to another one. It is hard to see it like that for you right now, but you can start opening your heart to the idea.

I have 3 kids, a 3 year gap (lost a baby in between) and then another 4 years. My 18 year old and 11 year old are best mates they are so close and have been from the get go. Ultimately an age gap means nothing....its all comes down to their personalities.

I completely accept that you have a point of view different to mine and you are perfectly entitled to explain your point of view.

you seem to not be thinking of the most important person in all of this - your current baby! There are no guarantees they will get on, or that your second baby will be like your first (I’m guessing easy, because if you had a difficult baby you probably wouldn’t want another quite so soon), and you e already said you were very sick with your first pregnancy - all of which are going to impact the child you already have. Doesn’t your baby deserve some time to grow and develop before you embark on a second? Siblings are never guaranteed a good relationship no matter how close in age. You’re allowing your own nostalgia to cloud your judgement. Parenting 2 under 2 is brutal. 3 years isn’t huge, and it might be that you review things in a year, and see where you are. The black and white/all or nothing mentality isn’t helpful in this scenario.

Sorry OP, I didn't read the whole thread but don't worry about having too close a gap, we have a planned gap of 3 years and 10 months between our 2DDs, it's been amazing, they are best friends (now 7 and nearly 4) and I would 100% recommend it. Trust me you still have a lot of sleep regressions ahead of you with your first baby, don't rush into it, 2 under 2 isn't always the best, especially if your partner is not yet ready.

My husband decided he wanted to wait until we potty trained our first. Close in age doesn't mean 18 months. That sounds like hell TBH. The people I know with a small gap really struggled. Having one at nursery whilst you catch up on sleep or get to spend time with the baby sounds great.

Unfortunately, we never managed a second one.

Brilliant.
I do think you should consider that life doesn't always go the way you want it to. Fantasising about how 2 children will be together is wrong. It places too much of a burden on them to fulfil your dreams. I was close in age to my brother, we didn't play together growing up and our adult lives were quite separate. You cannot force anyone or anything to act in accordance to your will.

I was one and done that was plenty for me i had mine young by mn standards.

3 years isn't a huge age gap.
In many ways it's much nicer than a two year gap as it means you will only have one child in nappies at a time.
Small age gaps can be great but Isometimes I have felt sorry for the eldest who has to grow up very quickly when they are still babies. It's also harder for them to understand why mummy now has another priority.
Honestly if you want two children I wouldn't rule it out just because you want a smaller age gap.

Even if you planned a small age gap things don't always work out that way. My friend has 7 years between her two children because it took her so long to get pregnant the second time . They are very close and there wasn't the same jealousy and feelings of being usurped as there sometimes is with small age gaps.

Absolutely, enjoy what you have. Being broody with a nine month old is ridiculous.

Which need is he dismissing?

No it’s not.

I presume you expected your husband to be present in the children’s upbringing? I’m sure you would have been quick to criticise if he’d not wanted to look after two under two that you’d decided to have?

Having a baby is a joint decision. Whether you give birth to them is irrelevant other than when deciding on whether you want them at all.

It makes sense if you e.g. want a greater age gap, but nobody should get to say “I want a baby now and given I will be giving birth to it then you will give me what I want.” Life doesn’t work like that. And if that’s how people operate in their marriages then you have to question whether that marriage is healthy enough to bring another baby into.

the OP’s me me me me me attitude will get her nowhere.

She is setting herself up for disappointment, if she doesn’t get pregnant, if she ends up with twins (yes, this can happen), who are close to one another and want nothing to do with their older sibling, if the siblings grow up hating each other, if the second baby has significant disabilities meaning they and their sibling won’t ever have that kind of relationship and they’ll need life-long care.

OP’s rigid thinking is only ever likely to end in disappointment.

Babies are human beings in their own right, and fertility is a dice roll. You don’t get to decide when you’ll have another baby, you can start to try but you can’t decide when the baby will arrive.

And you don’t get to be the one who creates the relationship between siblings. They’ll do that for themselves, and it’s not something you will ever be able to control.

Had them too close together I'd imagine.

Wtaf.

Why don’t you allow yourself time to enjoy the child you already have? Without whining about being ‘broody’. Your child is an individual, a gift, not a number in your life plan. Im
sorrybto be blunt but you sound very very immature

@wanting2not1
Everyone is entitled to an opinion on when they have a baby for me it’s now or never and for him it’s not and that’s ok.

That's not an opinion it's an ultimatum. Way to ruin your marriage!

I'm not sure what you want to get from this thread. There's lots of good advice, most of which you seem determined to reject. Were you simply expecting to get validation/support for your stance?

You are coming across as very immature. You need to talk it through with your husband and truly understand his reasoning & his concerns ... and see if it is possible to address them.
Also, think through the reasons why you are so adamant about having 2 DC close together, what are the underlying issues that make you think this is the only way forward and can you address any of them?

You have to realise that you can't force life to run along according to your preconceived plan. Things change. If you can't get exactly what you want then you have to find a compromise (the "least bad solution" if you like) that works for both of you.

I have a 4.25 year age gap between my two and love it. I got to fully enjoy the baby stage with my eldest and now I get to fully enjoy it again with my youngest. I don't understand wanting to get it over with. Why would you want to put your body through hell twice back to back and why would you want to have such a blurry whirlwind with two tinies simultaneously that you actually don't remember the baby or toddler stages of either of them because you are going insane? THAT'S what I don't get.

After my first (very colicy and a horrible labour) my husband said he didn't want another, around the 2 year mark he wanted another lol, we had our wedding and then planned for another. I did worry about a 3 year age gap but I wouldn't change it now, she loves him so much and she's so helpful. I don't think I could have coped having a small age gap with how difficult of a baby she was tbf

Your husband is probably a bit overwhelmed at the thought of another baby when you have a baby now.

It all depends what you mean by close in age. I think three years is a reasonable gap. If you became pregnant now, your existing baby would still be a baby at eighteen months when the new one arrived. That happens but usually by accident, not design.

Give it a bit longer, please. In a year your husband may feel differently but it really is too soon right now.

I didn’t think it was recommended from a health point of view to have another baby so soon.

My husband said he wasn’t sure about another. His mum pointed out to me that the birth etc was hard for him as he had been worried about me (health issues afterwards). It didn’t even occur to me that it had been traumatic all round. He did change his mind and we have a smallish age gap. I think it’s really early days to be having this conversation when you’re very much in the baby stage. Another year he may see it differently.