He’s changed his mind

[wanting2not1]

when I met my husband we spoke about children and marriage I made it clear I wanted at least 2 children and close in age I’m very close in age to my sibling he’s also very close in age to his siblings. He agreed with me said that he wanted children close in age. We now have a 9 month old and he’s changed his mind he’s said he wants to wait till our baby is a lot older or maybe even not have one. I can’t do it all again when older I want to do the baby stage and move on I also want a close age gap. I’m heart broken that he’s changed his mind. I fully support he’s entitled to change his mind but very sad that having another probably won’t happen as I don’t want a big age gap. Has anyone got any advice on how to handle my emotions on this I keep getting sad that I won’t have another.

I believe the suggestion is to wait at least 18 months before conception of the next baby, for both mother's and baby's health? Plenty of risks for both otherwise, including premature delivery. I breastfed DD1 for 18 months and didn't even get periods until I stopped breastfeeding! Obsession with 2 year gaps between kids baffles me, sure it might work for some and hats off for you, but I don't understand why it's seen as the 'golden standard'. I'm very happy with out planned nearly 4 year gap between DDs. So far they've been best buddies.

If you really want a second child and to extend your family an age gap shouldn't matter. It's all the years ahead that do. I understand wanting to get the baby stage over and done with but in 3 years you might feel broody and ready to do it again. Similar to your husband I couldn't even think about a second child for a couple of years. I was traumatised with the first. There is a 3 and a half year gap between my two and they are a girl and a boy. They play together all the time. I wasn't paying for childcare for 2 at a time. One was out of nappies, dummy etc by the time the other time arrived and a good sleeper etc. Having an age gap definitely makes it a lot more manageable. It shouldn't be all or nothing. Enjoy your current child. Give them lots of cuddles and attention. If you were very sick with your last pregnancy then it definitely makes sense to wait til your baby is only and doesn't need as much attention.

To add to what @EatMoreChocolate44 just said, DD1 was 3 years 10 months old when DD2 was born and she was still very much a baby to me- she slept through the night for a while by then, but still wanted me to read her stories and hold her in the evening, I felt so guilty making DH do all her bedtimes for a while! DD2 was a horrible, horrible sleeper and a velcro baby and I felt so guilty at the time, I can't imagine doing it when DD1 was an 18 month toddler!

Has he actually said this specifically? If so, I understand being pissed off. It's a lot to expect of someone to be ok with an extra year and a half out of the workplace.

But have you done the sums with the new 30 hours entitlement from September, going part time, playing around with the numbers? You'll normally take home a much higher percentage of the money for the first couple of days of the week than the 5th day, iyswim. It may very well make strong financial sense for you to go back at least part time.

@RomanCavalryChoirwe aren’t entitled to 30 free hours but only just we have tried to see if we could be by tweaking things but we are not we agreed that I would stay home till all children are at school if not maybe longer. I love being a stay at home mum so much but I do want to work again when they are at school so I can not just be mum sometimes. I’ve considered going back part time but my husbands job is extremely busy working odd hours he’s self employed and his business is just taking off and the work load has increased he could take on less work to be at home to help more but it wouldn’t make financial sense. Hopefully his business will continue taking off at the speed it is and then we can comfortably afford to afford child care and then I could

How are you not entitled? I though all working parents were.

@Manypetsnot if you earn over 100k he earns just over and we can’t pay any more out on pension we currently need the money. Live in a very expensive part of the uk and with housing costs it just doesn’t go far.

So he has a new business, has just employed 2 people and is bringing home over £100k already. He must be very talented!

but why he doesnt he pay himself a few £2k less to take it to £99k which fits under the limit and then claim 30 hours a week? Your 9 month old is eligible now.

Your husband sounds overwhelmed with running an expanding business. If you really want this child you may want to consider how you can help him feel
less stress. Free childcare might ease the pressure a little and explaining to him you are entitled to it if this happens could be a game changer.

That said..this isnt what you want to hear. You just want him to agree with you now. It sounds horrificly stressful for him if he is working at those levels and having another child thrust upon him so quickly. Babies are learning curve for dads too, its a whole new job.

I run my own business and have done for 20 years so I see his point. Its shit out there with the economic situation. Hes trying to run a new business.

I also went slightly mental when I lost my first child and struggled to concieve my second. My husband hated me and my constant ovulation sticks and demands and nothing was fun. Bleak tbh. Had a masive row on xmas day once.

I dont think anyone here can help, You dont want to compromise with him or rethink. You want it, you will probably get what you want..

I feel though for him and the stress. Mental health for men is a thing too.

There's no way you could do something, anything for the business and be paid a small salary for that whilst taking the money away from his renumeration? Admin or social media a few hours a week?

Op your husband could pay himself less to get under his salary £100k but pay you the difference as an employee so its still coming in to the house. Up to £12k is maximising your tax free allowance, perhaps you could come and clean the office/do some admin?

Am not a financial advisor but if he is self employed he should take advice on maximising his tax allowance, childcare salary sacrifice schemes for his business assuming he wants to maintain it as it is...or reducing his salary to claim free childcare allowance in the UK. If he was really savvy he would
split the salary between you both and you could claim child benefit and free childcare and both pay 20% rather than one salary on 40% You would'pay less tax ovetall as you have an allowance too and you would gain childcare and child benefit.

All that said the more I think about it on one hand you say things are tight, the other you want to bring a child into it. Most ladies think about going back to work around now..I would go back to work so that I could claim maternity pay when the next time comes which makes more sense..