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Original poster

He’s changed his mind

110 replies

wanting2not1 · 12/06/2025 15:05

when I met my husband we spoke about children and marriage I made it clear I wanted at least 2 children and close in age I’m very close in age to my sibling he’s also very close in age to his siblings. He agreed with me said that he wanted children close in age. We now have a 9 month old and he’s changed his mind he’s said he wants to wait till our baby is a lot older or maybe even not have one. I can’t do it all again when older I want to do the baby stage and move on I also want a close age gap. I’m heart broken that he’s changed his mind. I fully support he’s entitled to change his mind but very sad that having another probably won’t happen as I don’t want a big age gap. Has anyone got any advice on how to handle my emotions on this I keep getting sad that I won’t have another.

OP posts:
Manypets · 14/06/2025 05:24

You are hyper focussing which if you have ADHD makes sense.

Either way you need to come to terms with his decision to wait or yours to not have more children unless it is on your terms.

Alternatively you could peck away at him until he gives in and risk him rejecting it all later. Theres plenty of "my husband left me for a dingle life" posts on here.

How important to you are his feelings? Important enough to respect..or keep campaigning
for yours.

If child is 9 months now and hes talking about a 3 year gap..you would be trying in 3-6 months. You haven't even had your first xmas/birthday with your first child. Enjoy those things. Relax.

SENSummer · 14/06/2025 05:32

I hate to say it @wanting2not1 but I think he’s being really quite sensible. I, like you, thought ‘getting the baby stage out of the way’ would be best. DH was even more set on a close age gap than me. We have a 14 month gap between them but IT WAS CARNAGE.

Severe sickness (I had HG) when you have a baby already needing your constant care was hideous. I ended up in and out of hospital whilst DH was almost losing his job. Then when DD arrived you’re left with two babies at vastly different development stages both still needing so much attention and there’s nowhere near enough of you to go around. You’re in survival mode for the first 2 years just meeting everyone’s basic needs and feeling awful and guilty that you can never enjoy the moment or put that extra effort in or generally parent the way you wanted to parent because the moment you’re done changing/feeding/dressing/bathing the other one needs you so you’re straight on to that.

Bread121bread · 14/06/2025 05:37

Op, your feelings are valid. Your are allowed to be upset your dh changed his mind on something that affects both your life.

I'm not calling you dishonest but l would push the responsibility of contraception on your dh. In case you get accidentally pregnant you don't want your dh to moan and accuse you of doing it on purpose. Only abstinence is 100% effective. This is the time to double on contraception and shift the blame away from you.

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Families
Todayisaday · 14/06/2025 05:50

I think its crazy you are so fixated om the age gap. You say you want the baby stage over when they start school so you can work, you can use nursery before that to work.both my children went to nursery from 1 year, this is very normal.
I also know so many people that had close age gaps and their children really don't get on due to the competition between siblings with small age gaps.
My children have a 4 year gap and are so close, same as me amd my sister. So thats not a thing.
Baby stage is a very small amount of time, its actually very nice to be able to give child 2 attention while your older child is getting more independant.
I think you should stop being so rigid about the age gap. What are you going to do, you have to compromise here. It makes sense to enjoy your first child then think about a second.

prettydesertflower · 14/06/2025 06:01

I think people underestimate how having a baby can be overwhelming for the both of you. If he is anything like my husband, one experience of caring for a pregnant wife and little baby was enough. Reality may have hit him and he may want a breather.

BTW - it’s your choice as to how much of an age gap but I am not sure it’s such a big deal. I have a two year age gap with one sibling and a 13 year gap with another. It really doesn’t matter to us and we all get on great.

Chronicinsomniazz · 14/06/2025 06:17

You keep mentioning how you want them to be close, like you and your sister. Adding to everything that everyone else has said, I hope you’re aware that just because you and your sister have a close age gap and are close doesn’t mean your children will be?
The closest siblings in our family have a 12 year age gap! The ones with the close age gap of only just 2 years absolutely despise each other. You have no idea who your children will be and attempting to recreate a relationship that you and your own sibling have is really bizarre.

Onelifeonly · 14/06/2025 06:22

It's never a good idea in life to have fixed plans. Plans, yes, but realistic ones that may need to be adjusted. Sounds like you want things to be exactly the way you planned with no possibility of variation. That's not mentally healthy. Counselling would definitely be a good idea.

CurlewKate · 14/06/2025 06:22

Why are you so against an age gap? Remember it might have happened like that anyway. I know it’s not how you wanted it to happen-but could you manage your expectations a little?

SunnyPugdays · 14/06/2025 06:23

I felt the same as you op
I had three under three for that very reason.
Two boys and a girl
One of the boys has autism and learning disabilities
So for various reasons,none of them are close
They are now adults,and it really really upsets me that they are not close ,never text or call each other , never do anything together
I don't honestly know what I did wrong,

Wallywobbles · 14/06/2025 06:27

I have a 14 month age gap. They are early 20s and really don’t get on at all

whistlesandbells · 14/06/2025 06:30

3 years is not a significant gap in age to mean the siblings will not be close. It’s also enough breathing room to not have 2 under 2, which is really hard going. You also were not well with the first pregnancy so may mean you won’t be well enough to look after your first child while pregnant with the next baby.

I know two siblings (my step children - one was 10 when their younger brother was born and they are extremely close - the age gap is not the only thing to determine closeness). Returning to work and then to have another baby in 18 - 24 months or so is neither here nor there if you want more children. The disadvantages and unfairness on women in the workplace by having children will always apply. It’s not worth damaging your marriage to pressure your husband with a “now or never” approach.

LillyPJ · 14/06/2025 06:39

I wonder why you're so set against an age gap. Babies don't always arrive to order so we have to accept what comes along! There is a 4 year age gap between my DC (I miscarried in between) and it's been great. They've always got on well and I enjoyed the rest between the two exhausting baby phases.

LillyPJ · 14/06/2025 06:43

@SunnyPugdays I doubt you did anything wrong! Every child is different and some get on better by than others. My brother's (close age gap) fought constantly and still don't see eye to eye. My DSs (4 year gap) never fought, and still get on well in their 40s. It's just luck. Don't blame yourself.

Moshmoshi12 · 14/06/2025 06:44

I think you need to find a way to become less rigid in your thinking if that's possible- maybe counseling.

Like a lot of people have said the age gap is not the key factor in how close siblings are- their personalities will determine that. My sibling and I have a very close gap but are not close emotionally. I have friends that were really close to their siblings growing up and are now not and vice versa.My own DC are teens/twenties and the 2 that are closest are 5 years apart.

The physical challenges of pregnancy are so much easier to manage with a slightly more independent toddler as well. I can't imagine having awful morning sickness and still trying to parent a 10-12 month old!

Hope you can come to terms with and enjoy having a family that is not exactly as you planned and appreciate a DH who is honest about his feelings.

Mulledjuice · 14/06/2025 07:08

wanting2not1 · 13/06/2025 23:43

I also don’t want a long career break that’s another reason I want to stay at home until they start school which is what we planned

Again that's your rigidity. You could go back to work in between but you don't want to. I think it's really natural to re-evaluate parenthood once you've had one baby.

knor · 14/06/2025 08:00

I would also add that lots of people who have 2 under 2 say it’s very difficult (but of course lovely) but wish they’d spaced their children out a little more. I’ve heard 3-3 1/2 years is a lovely age gap.
when my baby was 7 months to just before she walked, I found this stage easier so totally get the thought of having another baby. But once she was a toddler and running around/tatrums etc, I was glad I just had her and not a newborn. Now she’s about to be 2, I could see having another baby soon as my daughter understands so much more and about to potty train.
I do appreciate its personal preference but as someone said, you both have to agree otherwise there could be resentment etc. see if you can come up with a compromise together

SunnyPugdays · 14/06/2025 08:02

LillyPJ · 14/06/2025 06:43

@SunnyPugdays I doubt you did anything wrong! Every child is different and some get on better by than others. My brother's (close age gap) fought constantly and still don't see eye to eye. My DSs (4 year gap) never fought, and still get on well in their 40s. It's just luck. Don't blame yourself.

Thankyou ,that's very kind of you to say x

Helen483 · 14/06/2025 08:45

wanting2not1 · 13/06/2025 08:36

I’m not being selfish I just want the baby’s ages close together I want the baby stage over with together I don’t think I could handle having the baby stage re start again 3 years later. I’m going back to work when child starts school this would delay it even more. I’m really not being selfish. Everyone is entitled to an opinion on when they have a baby for me it’s now or never and for him it’s not and that’s ok.

Oh dear, just listen to yourself:

"I just want..."
"I want ..."
"I don't think ..."
"I'm going ..."

And worst of all "For me it's now or never" (how childish is that!).

The ONLY person you are thinking about is YOU - that is pretty much the definition of being selfish.

Original poster
wanting2not1 · 14/06/2025 08:49

@Helen483and what is my partner saying I want to wait I want a big gap I want you to stay at home for longer as we can’t afford for you to go back to work.

OP posts:
Manypets · 14/06/2025 08:53

wanting2not1 · 14/06/2025 08:49

@Helen483and what is my partner saying I want to wait I want a big gap I want you to stay at home for longer as we can’t afford for you to go back to work.

He isn't saying no though, he is asking for compromise on the plan.

You however are not willing to.

Manypets · 14/06/2025 09:00

Manypets · 14/06/2025 08:53

He isn't saying no though, he is asking for compromise on the plan.

You however are not willing to.

Show quote history

Also I would add, you are completely right to feel devastated about the change in plan but you absolutely cannot force it. If you do he will eventually walk because in a non judgmental way you sound intense.

Reframe this as he is anchoring you both back out of the "baby phase" to get his breath.

Regarding you: You want to go back to work, so do it. Why does he have all the say in that. Rethink what happens when 2 comes
along. He says you cant afford it but you will have free childcare
coming in at some point. He doesnt get to decide everything as as he is moving the goalposts he can have the brunt of the consequences.

Figcherry · 14/06/2025 09:01

@Never2many unnecessarily nasty post.

In my marriage we agreed on 2 dc but the timing was my decision because I was the one growing and birthing the babies, totally fair imo.

Original poster
wanting2not1 · 14/06/2025 09:04

We just don’t qualify for free child care but only just we have looked into putting more in the pension finances are tight we’ve moved to be close to family but live in a very expensive area

OP posts:
Manypets · 14/06/2025 09:07

all working parents are entitled to 30 hours per child from this sept.

Bonsaibaby · 14/06/2025 09:07

He hasn’t said no, just not yet, he could change his mind again a lot sooner but less likely to if it becomes a huge issue. Also you have choices about whether you take contraception. Don’t have any of you don’t want to and he can choose to wear a condom until he is ready for the second one.

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