He’s changed his mind

[wanting2not1]

when I met my husband we spoke about children and marriage I made it clear I wanted at least 2 children and close in age I’m very close in age to my sibling he’s also very close in age to his siblings. He agreed with me said that he wanted children close in age. We now have a 9 month old and he’s changed his mind he’s said he wants to wait till our baby is a lot older or maybe even not have one. I can’t do it all again when older I want to do the baby stage and move on I also want a close age gap. I’m heart broken that he’s changed his mind. I fully support he’s entitled to change his mind but very sad that having another probably won’t happen as I don’t want a big age gap. Has anyone got any advice on how to handle my emotions on this I keep getting sad that I won’t have another.

...from the point of view of the child, it is held to be optimum, for good child-development reasons, for there to be a gap of at least 18months between first and second (and subsequent) children. This is because the infant needs the undivided attention of it's mother ("primary care giver"/usually mother) for at least 18months before an interloper makes its entrance into the nursery. The jealousy of the first-born toddler can be a real issue and needs to be seriously considered and sensitively catered for. Each child is unique, every child is different, each deserves their own special, individual attention.

OP - you are broody, but also really inflexible, and it’s never a great way to be.
It it, frankly, ridiculous to say that you want life events happen on your terms, or not at all…

Adjusting plans as life goes on is normal. And he is not wrong to say - lets give baby #1 all the attention, and then (maybe) have #2.
Most people do that, and it’s better for all involved, Better for your body to recover a bit. Better for the baby to be the center of attention. Etc.

I am hoping your hormones will settle down - and they normally do by the time your baby turns 1 - and you may be able to look at this more rationally. And - when your baby is a bit older - the bad experience you two went through during birth would be a bit in the past - and your H will most likely think differently.

I also don’t want a long career break that’s another reason I want to stay at home until they start school which is what we planned

When babies are young its bloody hard work and tiring - for both of you. So its not surprising he has changed his mind. Plus its mainly the mum they need. So Dads can feel a bit of a spare part. But as baby gets older and you both get more sleep he may change his mind again. Young babies need a lot of care but by age 1-3 they are their own little person and hopefully he will feel ready. Then you have to decide if thats what you want then. Lifes like that - it never runs to plan. You just have to go with the flow as best you can

Or nursery !
we had 2 in nursery and it was 1900 pcm!!!! Thsbgod they have some free hours now and ur reduced in half .

Being pregnant whilst looking after a child who isn’t yet one nearly killed me ! I was heavily pregnant with an 18 months old crazy toddler. The hardest thing. Then having a c section and trying to look after the toddler. Breastfeeding the baby while the toddler was playing. Lord. Mine are 2 and 3 now but I never ever dreamed how hard it would be .

You have no idea what age gap you would get even if you started trying tomorrow. It could take you 2 years to get pregnant again even if DH agreed right now. Stop trying to control everything.

I echo others that having children close in age is a very expensive exercise in this day and age. There are two school years between DD and DS1, and we have just partially funded both through university, and it was a huge financial burden even though we earn relatively well. DS2 has decided against university and part of me is secretly relieved.

Due to circumstances there is a 3.5 year age gap between DS1 and DS2, although it was a bit of a shock going back to sleepless nights and nappies again you get back into the swing of things again. It was a lot less physically and mentally draining only having one small child at home (other two at school). FWIW DS2 is quite close with his siblings despite the bigger age gap.

That's not an opinion, that's a decision.

But kudos, I guess no more children as your DH doesn't want a baby less then a year after you've had your first.

It's your decision so it should be very easy to accept.

As much attention?

He's making a very valid point about not having a baby 9 months after the first.

Christ.

People have every right to change their mind sama as a woman saying she wants more or no more children

No one has the right to dictate what the other does, but what is best for any children should come first, why a have a child with someone who doesn't want the child? I say this as sometimes think about not saying you would do this

I’m going against the grain here, when you talk about children before you marry, I think agreeing on what you want is a contract. He’s not entitled to change his mind, it’s not fair on you.

You are being selfish because you had an awful pregnancy where you were sick and it had an impact on his life (fair enough) however if you got pregnant now and you had the same sickness? He’d be working full time and then dealing with a baby and your sickness ? That’s not fair on anyone. Unless he could work from home or can you all live on no salary whilst he looks after your baby for the entire pregnancy whilst you’re head first in a toilet the entire time?

Or you could dump him and go it alone? Maybe you should do that? Then he can have full custody of your shared child whilst you struggle with sickness again?

Well until you have the first child how will you know and as people grow people change whether is is about children, jobs, housing, holidays

Plus one thing can happen which can change thinking of another, the first born could be disabled or have other very high needs and that could put pressure on the whole family so how would that be fair on future children

And could a parent say to a child 'i only had you as a contract said i had to have set amount of children'

I find it odd this has to be explained

So what would you do if you were trying to conceive now but it kept on not happening? At what point would you give up?

personally I think 2 under 2 is asking for trouble. My sisters are that close together and they do have a very close relationship but they also bicker incessantly; always have, still do, they are in their 30s. It must have been exhausting for our mum.

it's hard doing the baby stage again whenever you do it but if the eldest is a little less dependent on you/ liable to hurt themselves if you take your eyes off them for a second, it's an advantage.

I am the opposite of you, I didn't start trying till DS was nearly 3 because I couldn't see how I could cope with another one until he became slightly more independent and slightly less demanding.

You have a beautiful healthy 9 month old baby. To them, you are their world. They're soon to be walking, and talking every little milestone to be wondered at and grateful for.
Imagine if their world cannot manage their breakfast because she's being too sick with her second planned pregnancy. Imagine their world at the park, too tired and pregnant to run round or play.

Do you even enjoy your child? Why not let them have all the love whilst there is a choice.
Your husband is right.

My big brother is 3 years older than me. We're in our 50s - well he is, I'm just dipping my toe in!

I wanted another when my son was younger. I was told unlikely due to gynae issues...

... Gave birth to his sister when he was 11.
I went from being the youngest Mum in the playground, to the oldest. I hated every second of being back. You just get on with things though. Now, at 6'4 he's a proper big brother!

I'm sorry to say this, but I do think you are being incredibly selfish. Not only are you dismissing your husbands wishes (needs?!), you're dismissing the 9 month old that you have.

I know people like to plan, but it's usually a good 2-3 years as an age gap.

I mean the fact you've had therapy you said because of struggles maybe focus on the discord rather than bring another child into it. We had 3 with only with only a ten month gap lol but planned it, had a good marriage first tho then had the children tho didn't expect last ones to be twins but hey wouldn't have it any other way. Love it and I was extremely sick thru all of them but hey ho all disappeared soon as gave birth. But before all that you need a supportive husband before and after all of that

That's a very strange view.

Honestly though. ex SIL did have a spreadsheet of when they were to do the deed to conceive second.
It was so sad because she'd had a couple of miscarriages just as I accidentally conceived my 2nd 11 years after first. That was our relationship over.
Brother got fed up with being used as a means to an end.
They split before 2nd child was 2.

So you draw up your contracts, make your demands and then deal with the fall out.

My friends 'little' sister had her first baby around the time I had my second.
Whoops, a few months later - a twin scan pic! These things do happen and I'm in total awe of her, and you.
That was 3 under 2 😭
Sorry, it's making me panic thinking about it and my childbearing times are well over!

Whilst I agree that conversations about what each partner envisions for their life and the marriage absolutely need to take place before any ‘I dos’ are said, I don’t agree that those hopes, dreams, aspirations and plans become a binding contract written in blood.

Before we married, DH and I had talked about wanting kids. After 5 years of trying, I was unable to give him a child and we had to accept that it just wasn’t meant to be for us. Does that make me the bad guy who has broken my side of the deal?

@TheBig50surely my husband is also dismissing my needs to it works both ways. Yes I love my husband and my baby very much. Yes most people may have an age gap but I’ve not experienced that every one around me has got siblings close in age. I think my reasons are valid I don’t want to put my body through pregnancy all over again when I’m coming out of the baby years. My body my choice yes I may change my mind in 3 years time if I’m desperate for a second but right now I can’t invsion that.
@4kids3petsweve not had therapy yet but did have some issues relating to my ADHD and normal marriage stresses and stuff. We moved house with a new born he was self employed and extremely busy at work not able to take time off because the money was needed and too good to turn down. He felt awful going to work and leaving me I resented him as all my friends where having a lovely time with husbands at home helping post birth. We’ve worked through it husband now has 2 members of staff and is around to help. There was just high tension and snapping at each other he hated going to work I was counting down till he got home. We agreed that now we are in a really lovely place some therapy would be good they always say therapy is better when your in a good place. I also have some family issues and past life issues which therapy would help. So we agreed that i should have some therapy and then after we could do a few couple sessions. I think it would be healthy for us to discuss post birth with someone. As a woman you have to go through a lot to have a baby. I’ve put my career and life on hold to have a baby and I would do it time and time again for another. We’ve also discussed having more than 2 babies and never capped how many we would have. I’ve never wanted age gap children and that’s my opinion he knew that when marrying me I said close in age children or only one. I’m not being inflexible of not considering what he wants I just don’t want to put myself through all this at a later stage. I’m also extremely close to my sibling and couldn’t imagine growing up with out her we did everything together. I’m not saying he’s wrong for changing his mind we both have our opinions on what we want and no ones opinion is correct.

I agree that as a woman your body goes through a lot to have a baby. I think I'd rather get back to feeling myself physically and mentally rather than push myself into another pregnancy that could well be detrimental to my health because it suits.

Sorry, I am being nosey - you mentioned past life issues in the reply above. Can I ask what they are? Do you mean a previous relationship or do you mean past life, as I understand it?

I think anything less than 3 years is a bit bonkers tbh. It's incredibly difficult physically!

You don’t sound mature enough to have one child let alone two.

Demanding you start trying now not because you want another baby, but because you want to get back to work sooner rather than later.

In fact your whole references to children are so emotionally detached that I’m not sure you wanted children at all and have just had them to fulfil some kind of what you think should be the norm, hence why you’re breaking it down as some kind of transactional deal which you feel has now been broken.

A three year gap is not a large age gap. It isn’t. In fact given your current child is 9 months old now, and the average couple takes a year to conceive, you’re not likely to end up with a less than three year gap at this point anyway.

Or you could have secondary infertility.

Or you could miscarry and not have a baby straight away.

Just how long are you prepared to wait to conceive this hypothetical child before you give up? You won’t have longer than six months before the dreaded three year gap kicks in, so clearly you want to go to bed tonight, dtd and be pregnant by morning, otherwise you’d best give up now lest the children are too far apart in age.

TBH I think your DH is right. And if you are insisting on behaving like a petulant brat, then it’s probably best if you don’t have another baby.

Grow up.