What fairly normal things do you not let your DC do?

[Mayflyoff]

I won't let my DC have candles, my 14 yo is not impressed. I also don't let them go on fairground rides, though I'm OK with permanent rides at theme parks. Are there things you don't let your DC do, that their friends seem to do?

Oh...another one. In teenage years, no friends of the opposite sex in bedrooms unless the door is open. Can't police what they do elsewhere, but our house, so our rules.

There's a girl in DD's class who is not allowed any kind of communication device. They're 10. The issue is that if any sort of plan is being made, it's 4000x messages between the mum and me.

And the irony is that when I was 10, I was allowed to use the house phone. So I'd ask my mum if I could invite Mary to play. Mum would say fine. I'd call Mary's house. Mary's dad would answer, I would ask (politey, as I had been taught) to speak with Mary. I would ask Mary if she wanted to come over for a sleepover on Friday and that my mum had said she could come home after school with us. Mary would ask her mum. Her mum would say yes. Done.

It drives me absolutely nuts that ironically, because of the prevalence of personal devices, there are children who have LESS ability to communicate with their friends than I did in the dark ages.

Same. Well ish. I had 4 15/16 year old girls sleeping over last night, only they arent running around the garden they have gone into the city clothes shopping then to an all you can eat buffet place that will probably be 90% chocolate fountain and unlimited coke refills.

They spent last night watching/making tiktoks for a bit, they made brownies, and, revised together. Having a much needed fun chilled day today as they have all been working so hard.

I knocked bed times on the head at 14. In year 10 they are old enough to understand consequences of not getting enough sleep before school. 2 of my kids also had paper rounds before school so have had to plan that into their routines, my 16 year old still does it so even with her friends sleeping over, she had to get up this morning and go do her papers (which she does on her bike mostly, but she has to go whether sunny rainy windy snowy or dark as she made the commitment). They have to learn these lessons for themselves.

Quite - while I don't share the concerns about letting DDs sleep over at other houses, which to be fair, they don't do that often, I can kind of see where some of them come from.

I don't recall eldest DD sleeping over anywhere that wasn't a relatives house before secondary, I think youngest DD may have done, but it was at houses of friends where we had known the parents for years and were comfortable with them.

However, as they've got older and started arranging their own social lives, I've taken the view that I'd rather they be able to assess the risks for themselves so have focused on teaching them what to do / look for.

They know that if someone makes them feel uncomfortable in any way, that is a perfectly valid feeling / reaction and I won't tell them that they are being silly or dramatic.

I have fostered an open relationship where they know they can tell me anything. This seems to have worked, because they have told me about the things that make them uncomfortable about some of their friends and their situations and have refused sleepovers themselves in some cases.

When they have stayed over somewhere else, they know that if they feel uncomfortable in any way, they just have to text or call and we will go and get them.

Knowing that they have those skills gives me some re-assurance that they will make good relationship decisions as they get older and that they have the skills to spot red flags.

So when your kids didn’t do as you said you physically assaulted them?! Lovely.

@Chipsahoy My kids think I'm lovely! That's all that matters to me.

That’s very true regarding abduction! I do feel a bit sorry for the children of single Dads/gay Dads! But I understand that it’s not worth the risk in many peoples eyes. We’ve got 50:50 custody of DSD and my DH has organised play dates etc since nursery age, there’s never been an issue and he’s taken DSD and a friend out alone with the other parents full knowledge but we are just approaching sleepover age now which is obviously different.

I banned them as well, and they have stayed banned. No water pistols either, you can squirt your friends with a squeezy water bottle instead. No pretending you have a gun. No pretending to shoot people.
My DCs were born abroad somewhere with huge amounts of gun crime and children need to be taught that you can never play with guns, anything that looks like a gun, or pretend you have a gun.
They do use light sabers/Minecraft swords, but while it's fairly likely they will visit someone's house at some point that has a gun (because we visit/have connections where they were born) they aren't that likely to visit anyone with a working deadly light saber or a sword.

I find this thread so frustrating. I grew up with uptight parents

some if their rules

must never be in bare feet or just socks EVER

food and drink only in kitchen / diner

no pJ days

no piercings or tattoos (got both at 18)

no telling friends etc any of ny personal business

no inviting people back without weeks of notice

no sleepovers

play dates vvv rarely

I am now 43. I still have a really sometimes debilitating guilt complex about so many things. Always feel like a disappointment. I am also super super anxious BUT I actively don’t let them transfer to my kids.

just because something is scary or hard it doesn’t mean it should be avoided.

no 18 games for a 17 yr old is mental. My 17 yr old left home for uni!!!!!

I left home as a teenager and have never been back. I feel tense even when I visit now and my mum still tries to control me and will play on my anxieties to try to get me to not do somethjng if she thinks there’s any risk.

so so much more harm has been done by the overly anxious parenting I received than just any imagined risk.

Have you ever seen the ‘that never happened’ lady on TikTok? Hilarious

I’ve only read the first few pages then realised I’m obviously a very lax parent 😂

Some things i dont do as a parent

I dont double consequence. If they get into trouble at school for not doing homework or something, theres no consequence at home.

I dont remove technology. Teens need that communication, and not to feel isolated, they need to be able to express upset. If im stressed or annoyed, first thing i do is call my sister to vent, they need that outlet too. If i have annoyed them, they need to be able to voice that with their friends. So technology is never a consequence.

Restrict access to hobbies. whether i like the hobby or not. As i said up thread, 2 of my kids are gamer, one however is in to scooter bmx'ing etc. They have open access to that hobby, If they wanted to delay homework a nigh tor 2 to do that hobby, crack on. I know it will get done as i trust them to do it.

Hide my emotions with them. If i am angry, i tell them i angry, ill shout and theyll shout. However, afterwards ill apolgise and explain i was angry. but id never put a becuase you did this, or a but to justify it. I just apologise.

Dictate their wardrobe/style. My eldest the skater looks homeless half the time, his hair is longer than mine, he has more piercings and tattoos than i can count, and his trousers are about 4 sizes too big. My 16 year had a thing for hoodrich tracksuits, and honestly they are bloody awful. But they express who they are via their clothes and image. Its important to them, so you smile and say nothing, and buy what they want to wear. Im fairly sure they secretly judge my wardrobe too.

My kids are amazing, well rounded, helpful, mature, joys to be around. My eldest works full time, my second is going to uni, my third is starting A levels in sept. I rarely had to place consequences on any of them, as they knew the boundaroes and stuck to them, yes we have had disagreements, but they apologise without promting just as i do. I work 13 hour shifts, ill comehome, one has done the washing, one has cooked a meal, and the other will clean up after. Without me saying anything or asking them to. They do it because they want to. I firmly believe an open honest relationship, where you apologise without justification, with freedom to be the person they want to be, is the best way to be with teenagers. And if you dont want them to rebel to hard, you need to start loosening their leads when younger.

I was flumoxed by the no trampoline posts. Whats wrong with trampolines? I didnt let DD have one only because they ruin your garden and I know she would bounce on it obsessively for 1 day and then never touch it again. She has been to loads of trampoline parks and never had an injury. She did fall off the back of slide onto broken glass and need stitches at a normal park though.

No scoffing the last of the Jaffa Cakes and putting the empty box back. 🤨

I knew children like this when I was young. I'm sorry you experienced that. I know it wasn't any fun for the children we knew like that. I'd like to think we felt sorry for them, and mostly we did, but they also didn't have a lot of friends etc.

They just do the thing you hate anyway. I hate belly button piercings for sooo many reasons. What does dd1 do as soon as she legally can? Urgh.

Off to binge watch Grange Hill which was the thing my own mother had an absolute ban on 😀😀

Use to rush home from netball practice to watch Grange Hill .

This thread is wild. And a little sad.

I feel fairly confident that many of those who won’t allow very normal things are parents of very young children who cannot envisage parenting a teenager and actively allowing them to grow up. Crazy.

I tried the whole no fizzy drinks/squash/juice and that’s largely what happens at home anyway due to preferences but gave up very quickly outside of the house. A bit of squash at a party a delinquent rotten-toothed child does not make!

We don’t allow phones in rooms once the dc have gone to bed. Well, that’s not strictly true. Dd1 is nearly 18. She’s allowed. She doesn’t usually because we leave ours downstairs too. Lead by example etc.

The idea of a 14 year old using a booster though. Mine is 5’8”. Inches taller than me. Must I also use a booster?

No I’m not. I totally believe you. 💯

Yes, as the child of an overly anxious mother whose anxieties are once again starting to impinge on my life in her old age it's upsetting. One thing I was determined to do as a parent was not inflict her levels of anxiety on my DC. I think by and large I've managed, but I still worry about it all.

we never had a trampoline. I once watched a TV documentary where the A&E doctor said that he would not let his kids have a tampoline, play rugby or ride a horse. Trampolines are fine with one person and a net, the trouble is kids never go on them solo.

no screens/phones/tv in bedrooms until 15 (random age that I gave in with oldest)
no phone at primary school
no GTA in the house, I told ds that even at 18 that game wasn't coming into my house.

ear peircing - wait til secondary

with dc 1 he ate a healthy diet, very few sweets chocolate, no squash.
by the time dc3 came along I had unclenched a lot.

I made DD wait to get her ears pierced as I remember so many girls when I was a teenager getting infections (probably unregulated guns though) and we went to a piercing place.

I was more lax with the phone thing as we went into lockdown so I wanted her to play and communicate with others.

I think the whole play date thing depends who with greatly. There was a mum at primary who is very chaotic and there is all sorts of people coming and going, if someone offered to take her child out she’d let them (yours too probably).

😏

My son starts a grad job in the City in Sept. He has a mullet. Does that need to go??

That’s sad. Don’t you think you will ever be able to trust your daughter? Teens are often responsible, esp at exam time. You are doing her a real disservice and I find it disrespectful. You are expecting her to do her homework under your gaze forever where you can help her and monitor her at the same time. How will she cope at University if she goes?

No wonder there are so many mental health problems with young people nowadays. Why no friends to play? Why no sleepovers? I can’t really comment on phones, social media as mine are older but we always had a very open door
policy with our children and regularly had groups of friends here to stay and the DC all loved it. They camped in the garden and played on the trampoline and I’m pleased to say they all
survived.