Advice from parents of teen girls please

[Sauvin]

DD14 has just started dressing in a certain way - short skirts, belly out, tight tops. A normal stage of development, I guess?

Give me the benefit of your experience - say something or say nothing?

This is one of those issues pp just won’t agree op. I gently guided my DDs to respect their bodies, and we discussed misogyny and unwanted attention. They are not into short skirts and belly tops etc but maybe at a party now and then they might wear a dress. I have still steered them to dress well, a good cut. Quality over quantity. Cheap shoes and clothes are going to ruin any look. We have worked hard to be respectful, seek agreement and discussion. I am not controlling and would respect my DD’s wishes, but overall I hope they will choose clothes reflective of their characters and values, and not to overly sexualise from a young age.

You can teach your dc to dress well & influence them but obviously everyone's taste is different 😆

Dd wasn't too bad but I took the attitude that I wasn't paying for clothes I didn't want her to wear and if she did have something on I wasn't happy with she wasn't coming out with me.
That combined with some gentle teasing meant she rarely weent out wearing somthing in appropriate

That sounds awful and a lot like bullying to me.

This really.

And learning what’s appropriate for some occasions. Funerals, lunch with MIL, etc

You are entitled to your opinion - but you are wrong.

It’s blackmail. You won’t go out with her unless she wears what you want sounds extreme.

Yeah my mum did that shit to me. That duffel coat cost me £20 so if you don’t wear it you’re not coming.

It’s fucking awful behaviour and made me feel like shit; it’s no coincidence that I spent three decades massively overweight after spending years under the microscope.

Cut that shit out. Her body is not yours to sit in judgement upon.

I try and make sure DD doesn’t have too much on display all at once and that her clothes are venue appropriate.

For example: crop top and baggy jeans or joggers OK. Short skirt or shorts with a t shirt OK. Teeny top and teeny skirt not really suitable for anywhere but the beach or a perhaps a party.

But I can’t get too hung up on it, it’s a phase and men are revolting the world over whether women are covered from head to toe or not.

I do talk to her about dressing for the male gaze vs dressing in what makes her feel happy.

I made one comment about a rather skimpy dress when dd was a bit younger. She asked me to articulate exactly what I thought the problem was and then pointed out all of the reasons why my arguments were flawed.

I didn't say anything again because I realised that my position was largely driven by internalised misogyny.

It was just a phase in any case. I love the way she dresses now!

She is 20, she seems to have survived.

I have certainly "cut that shit out" as she is now 20 and at Uni.
I never forced her into a cheap duffel coat and she has never been overweight

I would say check out non uniform day at your daughters school. Most of the girls will be looking the same. It’s important to fit in at that age, but it won’t last forever. Embrace the teenage rolller coaster years. Don’t you remember embarrassing your Mother with your fashion sense?

my ex husband also did this to me. Wouldn't allow me to come out if he didn’t like my outfit. I would come downstairs in something he didn’t like and unless I changed he wouldn’t leave the house with me and the children. He would also tease outfits he didn’t like. I wonder if you think this is okay? Or actually emotional abuse? Just because she’s a teenager it doesn’t make it okay.

my dd (14) also enjoys wearing short skirts etc. she chooses to wear shorts underneath them as doesn’t want her bum out etc. that’s her choice.

like other posters have said celebrate her finding who she is.

and for those posting about it seeking unwanted attention from ‘creepy men’ surely that’s on those men not on young girls who are just dressing their young bodies. Don’t put that on the girls put it on those men!

Think you’re generally missing the bigger point @Hoppinggreen

i had rules, bellies are only for beaches! Skirts if short must have shorts underneath. Both mine complied

Just because she’s now 20 doesn’t mean how
you parented wasn’t incorrect

There’s surely a middle way between intervening too much and not caring at all. I don’t agree that they should be just left to it; sometimes particular clothes aren’t appropriate for an occasion, or don’t look great, and how will they develop confidence and a sense of their own style without some helpful input? My mum never helped me with clothes or was particularly bothered about what I wore, and looking back I wish she’d been a bit more engaged with how I dressed: I wasn’t exactly one for sexy/inappropriate clothes, but it took me until my mid-20s to understand what suited me and made me look good and what didn’t. I wish she’d taken a bit more of an interest when I had not much idea about clothes, little money and no self-confidence. It would have helped.

Equally my parents took the same laissez-faire approach with my siblings, and one sibling made some choices they still regret to this day (including piercings that never quite healed, tattoos, and damaged hair that has never properly recovered) - and wish that our parents had been sterner about imposing some boundaries on hair/dress/body presentation!

My DD is so far not too bothered about clothes, and I’m not overly worried about short skirts and bare tummy on show and so on, but there are some current fashions which I do think are inappropriate or uncomfortably revealing (girls round here all seem to love those ruched bum leggings with no underwear underneath, and tiny stretchy crop tops, which aren’t a great idea for very young girls just going about the streets potentially in front of predatory men IMO).

I think it's a dangerous message to tell women that their bodies are offensive.

I'm in my 40s and I wear cropped tops. I like them and they suit my shape. Anyone who is offended by seeing my belly can get in the bin. Your insecurities are not my problem.

Completely agree. Both their offence or that they should cover up because it’s dangerous for them?! That’s not a women’s problem that’s all of our problems that women can’t show a stomach, a thigh or some chest without them becoming a problem because of ‘creepy men’.

that isn’t a women’s problem that’s a man’s problem.

Next time the two of you are going out, dress in similar clothes. When she says ‘Ew, you’re not going out like that, are you?’, smile sweetly and reply ‘Why not? You do.’

It worked for my kids…

Some weird parenting on here 🤨

We only set clothing rules for situations where clothing truly matters. This has been true DD’s entire life so it isn’t a change. I buy her whatever clothing she wants.

She never balks at needing to wear something appropriate when it truly matters. Respecting her choice the rest of the time helps immensely with that.

and for those posting about it seeking unwanted attention from ‘creepy men’ surely that’s on those men not on young girls who are just dressing their young bodies. Don’t put that on the girls put it on those men!

Yes, that’s how it should work, but this is more advice for young adult or adult women. In practice young teen girls dress for fashion and for each other, and they like to wear what everyone else is wearing and what they see on social media and in the shops, and they often don’t have any real sense of what men are going to be looking at them for or how. A 13 or 14 year old doesn’t really yet understand what men see when they look at very young girls in revealing clothes (and why should they understand?) — but when they do, they’re often horrified and upset.

There’s a big difference between being some kind of 1950s movie parent not letting your daughter leave the house in shorts, and making sure teens aren’t wearing something that is explicitly sexualising them to an uncomfortable degree. Because they don’t yet realise how sexualising some clothes can be, or why they might be encouraged by advertisers and brands to wear certain things that appeal to older men in particular.

Thank goodness that actually the fashion at the moment is pretty relaxed, and jeans and hoodies and trainers are what most teens are wearing. Fifteen years ago my young cousins were early teens when the bodycon dress and stilettos look was in, and the reaction it got on 13- and 14-year-olds from pervy men was pretty grim to see.

That’s an odd way to phrase it! ‘Bodies being offensive’.

I think that as a parent you have a duty of care to your young 14 year old dd, who doesn't have the maturity to understand, how her developing body is a magnet for every perv, nonce and vile bloke who likes to feast their eyes on it. Some may even be brazen enough to try and engage her on it. And most young girls that age aren’t socially equipped to handle that kind of ugly male sexual attention.

And yes, of course, she’s not responsible and shouldn’t have to be curtailed because of disgusting male behaviour but at the same time there is a balance to the risk assessment if she is wanting to walk around independently and safely. Short skirts are fine at a friend’s party when you are dropping her off and picking her up. But if she’s travelling on a bus into town on her own, best to look more urban and androgynous in hoodies and jeans.