Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

852 replies

Corneliusthecamel · 16/05/2025 14:26

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

OP posts:
NewGoldFox · 16/05/2025 16:17

I feel it’s a shame the child won’t know 50% of their heritage. I don’t have a relationship with my father but I knew him, met and know of that side of my family tree so there is no mystery.
I’d be a bit worried about a daughter with daddy issues or a son with no male role model but those are challenges faced by many children.
My mother was adopted and it was a dark shadow across her life that she never knew her biological family so I suppose that colours my view.

Having said all that I’m not actually opposed it’s just elements to the puzzle to bear in mind.
I am opposed to surrogacy for reasons mentioned by pps.

Jeezitneverends · 16/05/2025 16:17

No issue at all about a same sex couple having a baby, but what I really do have issue with is it being funded by the nhs.

SheilaFentiman · 16/05/2025 16:18

thegirlwithemousyhair · 16/05/2025 16:15

Its interesting to see how many people immediately say how its better to have a same sex couple parenting than a shitty heterosexual couple as if all heterosexual parents/couples were shitty and that was the only possible comparison.

Literally no one implied "all heterosexual couples are shitty"

thegirlwithemousyhair · 16/05/2025 16:18

MinPinSins · 16/05/2025 16:03

A lot of people here say their main problem is the use of donor sperm, and that the genetic father will be unknown to the child until they are 18.

I'm a lesbian with a child, and felt the same. I was only open to using a known donor as I feel children should, where possible be able to know all of their background. Known donors (as in actually known, not from a Facebook group) are becoming more popular, my son will always have his biological father in his life.

💯

Redflamingos · 16/05/2025 16:19

FagsMagsandBags · 16/05/2025 16:01

I sort of get the sperm donor thing but women have got pregnant from a one night stand and never seen the father again, either because they didn't want to and he was their "sperm donor" or because off he goes because it was no strings attached and no one was expecting a baby.

DNA type stuff can always be up in the air because unless we test it we don't know who the father is and they might not be who we think they are.

That’s just as bad then!! We need to think more about the children growing up without both biological parents

Duechristmas · 16/05/2025 16:20

I think two is always better than one in raising babies but I couldn't give a toss what's in their pants. I also feel if you went to additional effort to get your baby whether through IVF, adoption or a difficult journey, then that baby is all the more precious to you.

UnemployedNotRetired · 16/05/2025 16:20

Personally I think children should see male and female role models. That's easy with a mum and a dad, but it could just as well be uncles/aunts, friends, etc. And this I would apply to lone parents, widow(er)s as much as to a same-sex couple.

UseNailOil · 16/05/2025 16:21

I have absolutely no issues with it whatsoever.

Feel uncomfortable about two men though.

WilfredsPies · 16/05/2025 16:22

I don’t have any feelings about it one way or the other. I’d like to know a child’s circumstances so I don’t cause any awkwardness for them by referring to a parent they don’t have around them, if I’m chatting to them (eg, is it mum or dad coming to pick you up etc), especially if they’re worrying about whether or not they’re going to be judged for their home life, but other than that I don’t care at all.

I think it’s really important for kids to have good role models of both sexes. They need to learn what a healthy relationship looks like, irrespective of whether it’s same sex or not. I think that if they’re a boy, they need to see a healthy example of a man and how that man parents his children, and if they’re a girl, they need to see a healthy example of a woman and how that woman parents her children. But that goes for all children, not just those raised with parents in a same sex relationship. I think my only concern would be a child feeling like they’ve missed out on having a parent of the other sex. But, again, that applies to all children. And if you’ve got healthy role models who love them and enjoy spending time with them, then that’s great. It’s more than a lot of kids have.

I’m sorry you’ve lost your friendship. I expect it came as a bit of a nasty surprise to realise that you’d been judged like that.

Christmasbear1 · 16/05/2025 16:24

I don't like 2 dads because they are denying a mother relationship. Two mums don't feel as bad but they won't have a father relationship either

Redflamingos · 16/05/2025 16:24

thegirlwithemousyhair · 16/05/2025 16:15

Its interesting to see how many people immediately say how its better to have a same sex couple parenting than a shitty heterosexual couple as if all heterosexual parents/couples were shitty and that was the only possible comparison.

Exactly. Just because there are examples of cases even more damaging to children doesn’t make this any less bad.

DreamTheMoors · 16/05/2025 16:24

WhenWhere · 16/05/2025 14:31

I'd be happy the baby has been brought into the world by two parents who love them.

Exactly this.
If the child is loved, cared for, kept warm, fed well and taught to treat others with kindness and respect and compassion, I haven’t got a single solitary issue with it.
Congratulations. ❤️

HellonHeels · 16/05/2025 16:25

2024onwardsandup · 16/05/2025 14:40

Oh actually I take that back - I’m on the whole comfortable with two fathers adopting - but VERY uncomfortable with two fathers buying a baby from its mother

This

Redflamingos · 16/05/2025 16:26

Duechristmas · 16/05/2025 16:20

I think two is always better than one in raising babies but I couldn't give a toss what's in their pants. I also feel if you went to additional effort to get your baby whether through IVF, adoption or a difficult journey, then that baby is all the more precious to you.

That’s a very selfish way of looking at it. What about the child’s best interest?

BethDuttonYeHaw · 16/05/2025 16:27

I feel no differently to 2 mums, 2 dads or one of each.

I'm not a bigot.

Mydietstartstomorrow · 16/05/2025 16:29

Wisterical · 16/05/2025 14:29

I think any child with two loving parents, of either sex, is a lucky child.

Definitely this. So many kids that don’t have any decent parent in their lives so if they do it doesn’t matter what sex they are imo

Tiredalwaystired · 16/05/2025 16:29

Literally no issues. Plenty of kids have just one parent and do fine. Having two loving adults in their life is really lovely too.

Icanttakethisanymore · 16/05/2025 16:29

Charmeleon33 · 16/05/2025 16:00

The best situation is for a child to have a mother and a father who are married to one another.

That’s not to say children who grow up in other circumstances can’t be fine, but it’s not optimal.

Edited

I can 100% guarantee that me and my partner are not worse parents to our children because we are not married.

AInightingale · 16/05/2025 16:29

Your daughter is lucky to have two mothers who adore her which is more than many kids born to straight couples. She was obviously planned and will be cherished and well provided for, in life terms, that's winning the lottery at the start.
The only concern I'd have is the lack of info on her dad - because he did provide 50% of her DNA. I'd expect her to become very curious about that as a teenager especially. I don't think it's realistic to expect her not to, or that there won't be hereditary traits you will be unprepared for or haven't bargained for. It's similar to adoption in that respect.

Anxioustealady · 16/05/2025 16:30

Duechristmas · 16/05/2025 16:20

I think two is always better than one in raising babies but I couldn't give a toss what's in their pants. I also feel if you went to additional effort to get your baby whether through IVF, adoption or a difficult journey, then that baby is all the more precious to you.

Absolute nonsense and incredibly rude to straight couples who got lucky with fertility and love their children as much as anyone could.

MerlinsBeard1 · 16/05/2025 16:30

Not ideal. A woman can't teach a boy how to be a man and vice versa.

Even if they were raising daughters the lack of input from a father figure is detrimental.

bumblingbovine49 · 16/05/2025 16:32

I feel quite uncomfortable with any egg or sperm donation pregnancie. So much so that I refused this route despite being unable to have a second child and being desperately unhappy and deeply mourning that lack in my life for a very long time

I have zero problems with alternative family set ups and where children brought up in loving extended family situations where the biological parents are involved . So if a man and a woman have children that end up being at least partially raised by a same sex couple then is fine as long as the adults can all co parent well.

Adoption again absolutely fine, either with two women or two men.

I am just not generally comfortable with surrogacy or a planned egg or sperm donation where the doner will never know or be involved in the child's life

I don't think children need one male and one female parent as their primary carers but i do think children deserve to know where they come from and where possible ( ie they are alive and not unfit parents ) they should have the opportunity to know their biological parents in at least some capacity.

I

thegirlwithemousyhair · 16/05/2025 16:32

Once again you have managed to misinterpret what I've said.

Just an example "Who are we to judge when a traditional family is so rare in ahealthy form now days".

Flicitytricity · 16/05/2025 16:32

UseNailOil · 16/05/2025 16:21

I have absolutely no issues with it whatsoever.

Feel uncomfortable about two men though.

Why?
Genuinely interested.
I posted earlier about my son fostering and adopting and I just can't see why 2 women are fine but 2 men aren't 🤨
Or are all men predators? Is that what the perceived problem is?

handsdownthebest · 16/05/2025 16:33

Whiteflowerscreed · 16/05/2025 14:28

I’ll probably get slated but here goes.

I have zero issues with two women raising a baby

and while I’m not against it, I feel a bit more anxious about two men raising a baby. Purely based on one couple we know thinking about having a baby and neither being particularly caring, selfless, nurturing etc. they are luxury jet setter types and I feel they wouldn’t bond/ connect/ cuddle/ put the baby first. I just think a baby needs a mummy. (At least one!!)

I didn’t have a ‘mummy’ because my mum died when I was a baby. I did just fine…and now how a very happy family with two grownup DC
I did have a stepmum for a bit who was an absolute bitch both to her on own DC and me…so no a ‘mummy’ is not a given