How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

A lot of people here say their main problem is the use of donor sperm, and that the genetic father will be unknown to the child until they are 18.

I'm a lesbian with a child, and felt the same. I was only open to using a known donor as I feel children should, where possible be able to know all of their background. Known donors (as in actually known, not from a Facebook group) are becoming more popular, my son will always have his biological father in his life.

He possibly could, like some mums do, dump the kids with his parents or in-laws

He could not bother raising them properly
Without going into full-on neglect, it's very possible to have kids at home and don't do more than the absolute minimum for them. It's sad but it's true.
In some cases, it's the mum who is very much alive and walked away!

There's absolutely no reason whatsoever why a man can't be as good a parent as a woman, and many are!

I don't have an issue with it - I have read babies conceived from Donor can have a curiosity about their biological parents and some donor babies have lots of siblings. This is something to consider.

No issues at all, a wanted, happy and much-loved baby is a gift to the world.

I couldn’t care less.

If a child is being loved and well taken care of in a safe home, I don’t care what sex the parents are.

I’ve got two sets of friends who are married lesbians, both couples have children. One of those couples used the same sperm donor twice, so their children are full biological siblings. The other couple got married when one party already had children from a previous marriage to a man.
My son has two little boys (twins) in his year group who were adopted at a year old by a gay male couple.

I’d say that your “friend” has done you a favour by outing themselves as a homophobe. The trash has taken itself out 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think other people's families are none of my business unless they need my involvement (and then they need to lead the way). It's very weird to think a 'normal' family should look a certain way that means a 'normal' to a very specific class/ income/ point in history . Families / family is a very adaptive label. A lot of my grans' generation lived with what is now called an 'extended' family - but it was 'normal' (or indeed my grandad was part of a blended family, but never told due to societal expectations), now extended families are on the rise with a shitty economy. Families are what they need to be.

I’ve always thought as gay couples of being a good solution nature came up with for babies and children who end up needing to be adopted. To me it’s a lovely solution to have a group in society who dont procreate but stilll want to be parents - a very neat solution. A natural parental redundancy in built.

As long as a child is being brought up in a loving environment I really don't care about the gender of any of the parents tbh

Slightly jealous.

Im a single mum to two kids whose dad is generally a bit shit. It’s probably stereotype but a large part of me feels like if I was bringing them up with a woman she’d probably be a bit less shit.

I do have concerns about surrogacy so feel a bit different about two-dad families formed in that way.

Married regardless of the relationship? Absolutely not. I might buy “a mother and a father who love each other and the child”-but marriage is completely irrelevant.

I don't care about two mums/two dads/solo mum/solo dad raising an already existing child.

Intentionally creating children to be available for that is a different question.

I'm relatively fine with sperm donor conception, if the child knows about it. No big difference between same sex couple or heterosexual couple getting to a baby this way.

Did I say I was in favour of surrogacy? I dont need an explanation of what it is. I think I have just about grasped it thanks.

I think there can be legal difficulties with one "mum" not actually being biologically related to the child.

No problems whatsoever here! The baby was obviously planned, wanted and will be loved.
Babies born to ‘trap’men into commitment or to enhance housing entitlements I have a massive issue with!

If I am being honest - and as you've asked. I think wherever possible - the traditional set up is optimal.

However its not something that I go around thinking about.

I love this!! I hope my gay son goes on to have children.

I think a lot of people don’t realise the issues that kids who are donor conceived can have.

My donor conceived friend has really struggled with it despite having 2 loving parents. Her family followed all the advice about telling her (and her siblings) when they were young, answering any questions openly etc but there have still been a lot of problems.

She’s part of a support group for donor conceived children and lots of them have the same feelings about it as my friend. They struggle with identity, belonging, have had trouble forming relationships, they’ve felt angry that their parents made this decision, it’s caused resentment towards their parents. A lot of the parents feel guilty knowing they made this decision that has impacted their children so much. It’s not always as straightforward as ‘if they’re loved, they’ll be fine’.

Two mums, two dads, a mum and a dad, just a mum, just a dad - they're all parents at the end of the day. I couldn't really give a hoot.

But if you take this view, a woman who adopts a child can't be a mother.

Congratulations on your baby. I really think your friend is the exception for people in their 20s/30s/40s anyway. I don't know many people who would think there was any issue with a baby having two mums. There are so many different types of family units providing wonderful care to LOs. I think children need love and care, gentle boundaries, material needs met within reason, and wherever possible stability.

There is a BBC children's programme called something like "Our Family", which follows a gorgeous family with two mums. Have you seen it? My son adores it.

It would depend. In the first instance I'd have big issues. In the second, it wouldn't be down to her would it?

I'm not suggesting this is ideal by any stretch of the imagination but life can be messy and life around children messier than anyone outside the family can know.

It would be lovely if everyone who couldn't just have children considered fostering and adopting first, and I mean man and woman, or woman and woman and man and man. But that just doesn't happen and I don't judge people for wanting a child who is a part of their dna, but I do have a lot of respect for people who go down the foster/adopt route.

No issues at all with either sex raising a baby in a same sex couple.
I don’t think the lack of make influence is a problem either. Maybe it’s because I was raised by my mother (mostly) and 2 older sisters, we didn’t really have much of a male influence apart from our stepdad and it went downhill when my mum met him to be honest.
I think as long as the parent loves and cares for the child it doesn’t matter.

I think that the optimal family situation is a mother and a father and that when a same sex couple bring a baby into their relationship, they are usually cutting out one of these family members.

I know that life happens and sometimes even the traditional set up falls apart leaving a single mum or dad, or whatever, but I don't like the idea of deliberately creating a family situation where one biological parent is absent from the arrangement by design. I don't like the idea of sperm or an egg being used and the 'provider' having no part in that child's life, as an integral part of making the situation work. I do know for sure that same-sex parents can of course be incredibly loving, attentive, doting and caring parents but it is a family structure where one person seems to be missing.

I've been in conversations where there have been comments such as 'Jenny doesn't have a dad' or 'Johnny doesn't have a mum' and my first thought is always 'of course they do!' I always feel a bit sad for the child that this has been decided for them. My feelings about female same sex and male same sex parenting are similar, although I view the male parents more unfavourably due to the inevitable surrogacy issue.

I don't voice any of these feelings ever or treat anyone any differently, but that is my view which I'm sharing in good faith as an answer to the question.

Actually, no - as OP has said, both mothers can be listed from the off on the birth certificate with PR.

Its interesting to see how many people immediately say how its better to have a same sex couple parenting than a shitty heterosexual couple as if all heterosexual parents/couples were shitty and that was the only possible comparison.