How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

Well, it depends on the mums!

Honestly, I think any child that has two functional, loving and committed parents is very lucky to have them. The sex of the parents doesn't matter.

My only concern is for a baby who isn’t looked after. It honestly doesn’t bother me one ounce about the parents, as long as they look after it.

I have a boy in my class with 2 Mums and he is a total wee football lad so I do feel sorry for him that he doesn't have a Dad to kick a ball about with. However I am sure his Mums provide him with an amazing life and much love. Just because a child has a Dad doesn't mean they will be involved so there are no guarantees. Obviously in an ideal world every child would have an amazing male and female role model but in reality that isn't realistic so as long as they are loved, cared for and happy that's all that should matter.

.

Do you seriously not know that women can enjoy playing football too?

I would think that baby is loved, and wanted.
I have a friend raising her baby alone after her late wife died age 35 when their son was just 9 months old. It's so sad.

Yowza @Purpleturtle43 - his mums are perfectly capable of kicking a ball with him and anything more would need a team anyway, what with that being the nature of football- they can sign him up to little kickers etc as easily as the next couple!!

Quite honestly, the amount of neglect and abuse cases involving heterosexual couples is horrifying.
People, not men, not women, but people are capable of the most heinous acts.
For the first time ever, I feel sorry for my family, knowing how they are viewed by others.

I know, but I just wonder how he feels when all his pals are playing with their Dads. He might not be bothered but I know he has started asking questions.

Giving up a child for adoption at birth happens rarely these days (unless for child protection reasons),

Rare? MsNevermore just posted about a same sex male couple who she knows who have just adopted 1 yo twins. Adoption for CP is not a rarity.

Same sex couples adopting children that who already exist and need a home is admirable.

Knowingly creating a child to be brought up without one of their biological parents is selfish.

Two same sexparents I have no problem with. Having said that I have 2 cousins adopted in the 1960s.

They have both had 'issues' with not knowing their origin, they both went on different journeys to find out who had given birth to them. This is, as someone already said, unusual these days, and for good reason.

That is my issue, your child may have questions and you should have answers.

@thegirlwithemousyhair but you said there was no difference between a child being taken from their biological mother to be adopted and those taken for surrogacy. I was explaining that it is different as a child given up for adoption was not produced solely for that purpose.

Luckily the thoughts about adoption process have changed over the years and it had been recognised that adoption must be in the best interests of the child.

Interestingly, not every poster on here are thinking about the best interests of the child in their responses

I’m so sorry for your loss and my comment wasn’t an attack on your personal situation at all

@thegirlwithemousyhair 1yo is not at birth

this

As the DM of a gay DD I can’t wait for her and her lovely partner to be mums to some wonderful grandkids!

Your friend sounds judgemental. I think babies and children need one or two sensible, kind and loving parents who are able to meet their needs. I know lots of examples of good parents and have encountered many shit parents over the years as a teacher. None of the shit parenting was related to the gender of the parents. Most of it was to do with poor mental health, addiction and abuse.

I think two adults loving them is a wonderful thing. Ideally all children would have a close and beneficial relationship with their dad (as well as their mum/mums). So my reservation is more about the lack of a dad than having two mums. But regardless not everyone has this. So I would keep my thoughts to myself.

I thought my post was clear when I used the word “unless”. It might have helped if you quoted it all.

However, once again:

Adoption from birth or soon after for child protection reasons is probably more common now than historically because there is more monitoring and vigilance

Adoption from birth for accidental pregnancy and subsequent social stigma is much less common than historically because birth control and abortion are much more readily available, reducing such pregnancies, and the social stigma is far less of being an “unwed mother”

HTH.

It’s a choice because a woman won’t have sex with a man? Should women married to infertile men get it or that also a choice and they should have sex with someone who is?

As long as your baby is loved and you have a stable, happy relationship, then I can't see any difficulty with it. Wishing you all the very best 👌 xx

@emmetgirl and will you want the grandchild’s dad to be in the picture? Do you think they have the right to know about their whole genetic history and have a relationship with that family providing 50% of their genes?

Feel like one good parent is enough, two good parents, bonus. Whoever they may be.

What’s the moral objection to egg and / or sperm donation?