How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

My daughter is really jealous of her friends that have 2 mums!

@thegirlwithemousyhair children given up for adoption aren't produced on demand or on purpose. Is it unfortunate circumstances that give rise to adoption. Adoption is very much about the child's best interests.

Babies created via donor egg or sperm are produced on purpose, but may not know one of their biological parents. Surrogacy is the next step as the baby is taken away from the birth mother. Much thought is given about the rights of the resulting parents, very little thought given about the interests of the child and their heritage.

One of the happiest family units I know is that of lesbian friends of ours. They have two children conceived by artificial insemination, they've been together for well over twenty years and the children seem very happy and well-adjusted. So I have no problems at all with this.

That’s a rather naive and simplistic view imo.

Doesnt bother me, also I think two dads is fine too.
Obviously only if if both adults are loving, caring, sane, decent people.

Interesting that so many are against 2 dads.
What about single dads? I had a colleague who's wife died and he was a great father to their young daughter.

Also much of Mumsnet are critical of dads that don't step up. How can they step up when attitudes like this give some impression that being female makes you a better parent than being male.

I have no problem with who is bringing up the child as long as they are happy and healthy. What makes me uncomfortable is anonymous donations. When I was facing a potential donor egg/sperm situation I felt really uneasy about my child having a 3rd “unknown” parent and not being able to answer any questions they might have. Also, missing that part of their heritage for at least 18 years felt like a decision I shouldn’t make for another human being. This feeling applies to all sexes/relationships - I feel the donor should be known (and screened) and have some role in the child’s life - even if that is just parents “fun friend”. I am very against people who go abroad to avoid the donor laws in this country so their children will never know.

I wouldn’t bat an eye @Corneliusthecamel

I am sorry your friend reacted that way

I remember an ex friend and I were out eating a meal and she made a comment about not agreeing with something behind me. When I turned round there were two fathers with a baby, presumably a gay couple. I asked what she was talking about and she said I don’t agree with a gay couple having a baby. That it wasn’t right and there should be a mother and a father.

I pointed out that having volunteered in an orphanage where babies/children had been born by a mother and father and had been either abandoned or neglected, that there are plenty of kids out there that need loving parents and that she was being ridiculous.

We didn’t say anymore but I realised her values didn’t align with mine and we are no longer friends.

I am quite good friends with a gay couple who adopted 2 kids after the children’s parents were neglectful. The kids are thriving and their two dads are brilliant.

I think the most important thing is that children are brought up in a safe and loving environment

I think 2 mums is absolutely fine, a baby should be with its mother. I feel really upset at the thought of 2 dads having a baby by a surrogate.

Why?

Of course a single dad will have to raise his child after his wife dies. Unfortunately he doesn’t have any other option ?! That’s a very different (and sad) situation!

Doesn't bother me in the least. Two mums, two dads, mum + dad, mum + stepdad, stepmum + dad, single parent.....as long as the child is raised with love and care.

I agree with you. It must be very difficult not knowing 50% of you you are!? More thoughts must be given to the children who have to live with that uncertainty.

That's how I feel.

Exactly this. Your judgy friend can fuck off.

I think it's 2025 in a secular country and loving families are just that whatever gentiles the adults possess.

There is too much hate and division already right now, if a child is loved by a mum and dad, two mums, two dads, mum/stepdad, dad/stepmum, mum/stepmum, dad/stepdad, aunties, uncles, older siblings, whomever is the parent role, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?

I hope all who have a non-traditional family set-up find a place they can be accepted just as others are.

The same way I feel has them having 2 dads or a dad and a mum . As long as they are loved cared and wanted then all good

absolutely this

I agree with your friend to be honest. I believe in the traditional family structure of a man and woman raising children together. I do not agree with two women raising kids nor do I agree with two men raising kids.

A lot of posters on here saying dads can be useless so kids are probably better off without the dad anyway. There are rubbish dads out there and rubbish mums out there. In all likelihood, when people refer to rubbish dads they are referring to a dad that is absent but rubbish mums can be a lot more harmful in my opinion. Neglectful of their children, emotionally abusive etc. Several stories of women allowing random boyfriends (not fathers of their children) to come in and abuse and sometimes kill their young children.

The best situation is for a child to have a mother and a father who are married to one another.

That’s not to say children who grow up in other circumstances can’t be fine, but it’s not optimal.

This is my thoughts on this too.

I am an adoptive mum with a husband and among my friends are an adoptive all female couple and a female couple who have two DCs conceived through donor sperm. In my work network I know a widowed gay adoptive dad.

I have no concerns about their families - the adoptive parents have been briefed thoroughly on the importance of making sure DCs know about their biological parents even if they could not care for them. So all of the adopted DCs (each other family has one, we have two) know as much as we can tell them about all their parents.

I don't have concerns about the donor family as such but I think it would be better if families used a known donor with very limited children - co-parenting would be the best option for the children. I hear all these awful stories about mass donors, and I also know that adoptive parents can subtly put off their children from talking about their birth parents so the same may be true of donor families.

I think a gay male couple could be great co parents with a woman but I think it's immoral to take a baby away from their mother at birth unless there's a safety risk.

How is it naive and simplistic? Do you know how desperate sw are for foster carers. That tells me how many kids are being born into absolute shit shows.
2 mums/2 dads are far more palatable to me than some bio mums n dads with crack addicted babies

I sort of get the sperm donor thing but women have got pregnant from a one night stand and never seen the father again, either because they didn't want to and he was their "sperm donor" or because off he goes because it was no strings attached and no one was expecting a baby.

DNA type stuff can always be up in the air because unless we test it we don't know who the father is and they might not be who we think they are.

How does the child feel, do you think, to know their mother didn't think enough of their father to even tell him the child existed?