Page 29 | How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

Corneliusthecamel · 2025-05-16T13:26:19+00:00

Hi, Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful. A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path. Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world. But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:42

loopsdefruit · 17/05/2025 08:40

So firstly - declaration of interest - I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant with mine and my wife’s first baby, a little girl, who has come about via IVF using donor sperm from a bank. So obviously I’m perfectly fine with it.

I wanted to share a bit of our discussions and process before we agreed this route, how we are planning on mitigating some of the concerns and also address some of the misconceptions on this thread.

Having a dad/male role models. Our little girl won’t have a father she will have a donor and two mums. That’s our language because we both feel mother and father are terms that encompass more than biology and include the relational and emotional side of being a present and active parent. Our baby will have grandfathers, a great grandfather, an uncle, a step grandfather, step-uncles etc…plus our friends who are men. She will also have one mum who is into sport and good at DIY and can drive and one who is good at baking cakes and likes dance. Those things are not sex-based.

Health and genetic information - our daughter will have access to all the information we have about her donor from day 1, that’s non-identifying things. It will include info about his physical appearance, area of work, family, health, and other things we know. She will also have access to the letter he wrote for any future children and we as her parents will sign up to the donor sibling registry and support her ties to any other children who share her donor. If at any stage she develops any heritable conditions we would let our clinic know who would inform the donor and any other families. That way health info is kept up to date. This is regulated by the HFEA. Legally at 16 our daughter is entitled to independent access to non-id information (what we plan to already have told her) this prevents parents never telling a child where they come from. At 18 she can access identifying and contact information for her donor, we would support her in this if she wanted to find him and reach out. We couldn’t do it as parents on her behalf and if she isn’t interested we also would never know him. We selected a donor who clearly stated positive feelings about potential future contact.

Birth certificate - my wife will be listed as second parent because we are married. That’s the same as for heterosexual married couples. Nobody does a DNA test on a baby to check the husband is the “real father”. Most are, many are not. It relies on the mother being honest and knowing the facts of the child’s conception. This means my wife has parental responsibility for our daughter and can make decisions just as I can, that’s important for stability for our daughter now and in the future - should we separate or divorce we would co-parent our daughter and ensure arrangements remain in her best interests. If I die then our child will not be removed from the only other parent she knows and who has raised her. That’s a good thing.

Yes there will likely be things we haven’t thought about or that happen unexpectedly, that’s life. But that’s no different, better or worse than for a couple made of any other setup. We also had to think about and address the above questions because we had to have mandatory counselling before starting treatment and be “signed off” as fit parents before we started the cycle.

Hope that helps some people understand the current situation a bit better :)

What i seriously don't know (and should) is whether the counselling process is different for a couple where one parent isnt a biological contributor than IVF where both parents are.

itsgettingweird · 17/05/2025 08:48

My son has only me. I split with his father when he was a year old and he can’t be bothered with him.

I know many families with 2 mums or 2 dads.

I have no issue with it. I think if a child has parents or a parent who lives and provides for them you can raise a child to feel loved and as if they aren’t missing out.

once your baby starts nursery and school they’ll have peers with the same set up.

Families come in all shapes and sizes.

loopsdefruit · 17/05/2025 08:49

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:42

What i seriously don't know (and should) is whether the counselling process is different for a couple where one parent isnt a biological contributor than IVF where both parents are.

Show quote history

That’s a good question. I don’t know obviously as we went through it in our situation and not a different one.

I know counselling is mandated if you are using any type of donor gametes. I’m not sure if it is mandatory or just recommended if you’re just doing IVF with all your own ingredients.

We were offered the option of counselling together, separately or both. For my wife it covered her feelings as non-bio mum, for me it covered my feelings about pregnancy and taking on that role. Our counsellor also recommended lots of resources both for us and for our child as she grows to help explain donor conception and origins.

Not sure if that’s answered your question at all?

Cuwins · 17/05/2025 08:51

loopsdefruit · 17/05/2025 08:40

So firstly - declaration of interest - I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant with mine and my wife’s first baby, a little girl, who has come about via IVF using donor sperm from a bank. So obviously I’m perfectly fine with it.

I wanted to share a bit of our discussions and process before we agreed this route, how we are planning on mitigating some of the concerns and also address some of the misconceptions on this thread.

Having a dad/male role models. Our little girl won’t have a father she will have a donor and two mums. That’s our language because we both feel mother and father are terms that encompass more than biology and include the relational and emotional side of being a present and active parent. Our baby will have grandfathers, a great grandfather, an uncle, a step grandfather, step-uncles etc…plus our friends who are men. She will also have one mum who is into sport and good at DIY and can drive and one who is good at baking cakes and likes dance. Those things are not sex-based.

Health and genetic information - our daughter will have access to all the information we have about her donor from day 1, that’s non-identifying things. It will include info about his physical appearance, area of work, family, health, and other things we know. She will also have access to the letter he wrote for any future children and we as her parents will sign up to the donor sibling registry and support her ties to any other children who share her donor. If at any stage she develops any heritable conditions we would let our clinic know who would inform the donor and any other families. That way health info is kept up to date. This is regulated by the HFEA. Legally at 16 our daughter is entitled to independent access to non-id information (what we plan to already have told her) this prevents parents never telling a child where they come from. At 18 she can access identifying and contact information for her donor, we would support her in this if she wanted to find him and reach out. We couldn’t do it as parents on her behalf and if she isn’t interested we also would never know him. We selected a donor who clearly stated positive feelings about potential future contact.

Birth certificate - my wife will be listed as second parent because we are married. That’s the same as for heterosexual married couples. Nobody does a DNA test on a baby to check the husband is the “real father”. Most are, many are not. It relies on the mother being honest and knowing the facts of the child’s conception. This means my wife has parental responsibility for our daughter and can make decisions just as I can, that’s important for stability for our daughter now and in the future - should we separate or divorce we would co-parent our daughter and ensure arrangements remain in her best interests. If I die then our child will not be removed from the only other parent she knows and who has raised her. That’s a good thing.

Yes there will likely be things we haven’t thought about or that happen unexpectedly, that’s life. But that’s no different, better or worse than for a couple made of any other setup. We also had to think about and address the above questions because we had to have mandatory counselling before starting treatment and be “signed off” as fit parents before we started the cycle.

Hope that helps some people understand the current situation a bit better :)

Really interesting to hear your thoughts. Thank you. And good luck with your baby. I said earlier about making sure the child has access to both male and female role models, I should have clarified I didn’t mean they have to have stereotypical male/female traits in fact probably even better if they have males who work in care and love to bake alongside females who play sport and love DIY!
I also didn’t realise you would have so much info (all be it not identifying) about the donor and be able to link siblings.
Interesting you say about the counselling/sign off as well as this is another thing I didn’t realise, similar to adoption I guess.

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:52

loopsdefruit · 17/05/2025 08:49

That’s a good question. I don’t know obviously as we went through it in our situation and not a different one.

I know counselling is mandated if you are using any type of donor gametes. I’m not sure if it is mandatory or just recommended if you’re just doing IVF with all your own ingredients.

We were offered the option of counselling together, separately or both. For my wife it covered her feelings as non-bio mum, for me it covered my feelings about pregnancy and taking on that role. Our counsellor also recommended lots of resources both for us and for our child as she grows to help explain donor conception and origins.

Not sure if that’s answered your question at all?

Show quote history

Yes. I do know there is some sort of counselling involved with the IVF process generally, I suspect it is likely tailored to the individual situations.

I have heard that breakups among same sex parents are thought to be currently higher than heterosexual parents, but I don't think there has been enough time to isolate if fertility treatment is the reason why. It does show it to be factor with heterosexual parents.

ByGraceAlone · 17/05/2025 08:54

loopsdefruit · 17/05/2025 08:40

So firstly - declaration of interest - I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant with mine and my wife’s first baby, a little girl, who has come about via IVF using donor sperm from a bank. So obviously I’m perfectly fine with it.

I wanted to share a bit of our discussions and process before we agreed this route, how we are planning on mitigating some of the concerns and also address some of the misconceptions on this thread.

Having a dad/male role models. Our little girl won’t have a father she will have a donor and two mums. That’s our language because we both feel mother and father are terms that encompass more than biology and include the relational and emotional side of being a present and active parent. Our baby will have grandfathers, a great grandfather, an uncle, a step grandfather, step-uncles etc…plus our friends who are men. She will also have one mum who is into sport and good at DIY and can drive and one who is good at baking cakes and likes dance. Those things are not sex-based.

Health and genetic information - our daughter will have access to all the information we have about her donor from day 1, that’s non-identifying things. It will include info about his physical appearance, area of work, family, health, and other things we know. She will also have access to the letter he wrote for any future children and we as her parents will sign up to the donor sibling registry and support her ties to any other children who share her donor. If at any stage she develops any heritable conditions we would let our clinic know who would inform the donor and any other families. That way health info is kept up to date. This is regulated by the HFEA. Legally at 16 our daughter is entitled to independent access to non-id information (what we plan to already have told her) this prevents parents never telling a child where they come from. At 18 she can access identifying and contact information for her donor, we would support her in this if she wanted to find him and reach out. We couldn’t do it as parents on her behalf and if she isn’t interested we also would never know him. We selected a donor who clearly stated positive feelings about potential future contact.

Birth certificate - my wife will be listed as second parent because we are married. That’s the same as for heterosexual married couples. Nobody does a DNA test on a baby to check the husband is the “real father”. Most are, many are not. It relies on the mother being honest and knowing the facts of the child’s conception. This means my wife has parental responsibility for our daughter and can make decisions just as I can, that’s important for stability for our daughter now and in the future - should we separate or divorce we would co-parent our daughter and ensure arrangements remain in her best interests. If I die then our child will not be removed from the only other parent she knows and who has raised her. That’s a good thing.

Yes there will likely be things we haven’t thought about or that happen unexpectedly, that’s life. But that’s no different, better or worse than for a couple made of any other setup. We also had to think about and address the above questions because we had to have mandatory counselling before starting treatment and be “signed off” as fit parents before we started the cycle.

Hope that helps some people understand the current situation a bit better :)

Congratulations on your baby, I hope all goes well.

But your baby does have a father. Referring to him as only a donor doesn't change that.

Everyone has a father, everyone knows that and not knowing your father impacts people.

I think the language of donor is to help the adults who don't want to acknowledge the reality of the father. They want to shut out an inconvenient truth.

But for the child this is a reality for them. He is their father.

ButteredRadish · 17/05/2025 08:56

You asked so I’ll answer, honestly - I think it’s wrong. 🤷🏻‍♀️ And no I’m not going to go into detail as to why I think this, simply because of the drama it will create on this thread. I will say though, that I would never, ever share this opinion unless asked and would never ever treat anyone differently because of it or be hostile towards anybody in that scenario. Never. We’re all entitled to make our own choices. It’s just my own, personal opinion.

loopsdefruit · 17/05/2025 09:01

ByGraceAlone · 17/05/2025 08:54

Congratulations on your baby, I hope all goes well.

But your baby does have a father. Referring to him as only a donor doesn't change that.

Everyone has a father, everyone knows that and not knowing your father impacts people.

I think the language of donor is to help the adults who don't want to acknowledge the reality of the father. They want to shut out an inconvenient truth.

But for the child this is a reality for them. He is their father.

Show quote history

Thank you for the congratulations :) like I said, we will not be referring to her donor as her father or her dad because we view father as a relational term that indicates an ongoing and active role in a persons life. That is our choice and understanding (and you could find a number of threads on here or in wider parts of the internet where mothers have chosen to refer to a biological father who turned out to be crap as a “sperm donor” because they feel he lost the right to be their child’s father). If our child decides she wants to think of or call her donor her dad that’s fine and we would go with her preferences.

I don’t see how telling our child everything we know about her donor and supporting her to access more information when she is legally able to do so (we can’t do it sooner or we would) is shutting out an inconvenient truth? She isn’t going to believe my wife provided the sperm.

TENSsion · 17/05/2025 09:06

loopsdefruit · 17/05/2025 09:01

Thank you for the congratulations :) like I said, we will not be referring to her donor as her father or her dad because we view father as a relational term that indicates an ongoing and active role in a persons life. That is our choice and understanding (and you could find a number of threads on here or in wider parts of the internet where mothers have chosen to refer to a biological father who turned out to be crap as a “sperm donor” because they feel he lost the right to be their child’s father). If our child decides she wants to think of or call her donor her dad that’s fine and we would go with her preferences.

I don’t see how telling our child everything we know about her donor and supporting her to access more information when she is legally able to do so (we can’t do it sooner or we would) is shutting out an inconvenient truth? She isn’t going to believe my wife provided the sperm.

Show quote history

Because it is your perspective that he is simply a sperm donor but it may well be your daughter’s perspective that he is her father.
She will be 50% him.

Original poster

Corneliusthecamel · 17/05/2025 09:06

loopsdefruit · 17/05/2025 08:40

So firstly - declaration of interest - I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant with mine and my wife’s first baby, a little girl, who has come about via IVF using donor sperm from a bank. So obviously I’m perfectly fine with it.

I wanted to share a bit of our discussions and process before we agreed this route, how we are planning on mitigating some of the concerns and also address some of the misconceptions on this thread.

Having a dad/male role models. Our little girl won’t have a father she will have a donor and two mums. That’s our language because we both feel mother and father are terms that encompass more than biology and include the relational and emotional side of being a present and active parent. Our baby will have grandfathers, a great grandfather, an uncle, a step grandfather, step-uncles etc…plus our friends who are men. She will also have one mum who is into sport and good at DIY and can drive and one who is good at baking cakes and likes dance. Those things are not sex-based.

Health and genetic information - our daughter will have access to all the information we have about her donor from day 1, that’s non-identifying things. It will include info about his physical appearance, area of work, family, health, and other things we know. She will also have access to the letter he wrote for any future children and we as her parents will sign up to the donor sibling registry and support her ties to any other children who share her donor. If at any stage she develops any heritable conditions we would let our clinic know who would inform the donor and any other families. That way health info is kept up to date. This is regulated by the HFEA. Legally at 16 our daughter is entitled to independent access to non-id information (what we plan to already have told her) this prevents parents never telling a child where they come from. At 18 she can access identifying and contact information for her donor, we would support her in this if she wanted to find him and reach out. We couldn’t do it as parents on her behalf and if she isn’t interested we also would never know him. We selected a donor who clearly stated positive feelings about potential future contact.

Birth certificate - my wife will be listed as second parent because we are married. That’s the same as for heterosexual married couples. Nobody does a DNA test on a baby to check the husband is the “real father”. Most are, many are not. It relies on the mother being honest and knowing the facts of the child’s conception. This means my wife has parental responsibility for our daughter and can make decisions just as I can, that’s important for stability for our daughter now and in the future - should we separate or divorce we would co-parent our daughter and ensure arrangements remain in her best interests. If I die then our child will not be removed from the only other parent she knows and who has raised her. That’s a good thing.

Yes there will likely be things we haven’t thought about or that happen unexpectedly, that’s life. But that’s no different, better or worse than for a couple made of any other setup. We also had to think about and address the above questions because we had to have mandatory counselling before starting treatment and be “signed off” as fit parents before we started the cycle.

Hope that helps some people understand the current situation a bit better :)

Congratulations to you! Not long to go now. You’ve pretty much summed up everything my wife and I think/thought too and like you, we explored a lot of this in the mandatory counselling before we went ahead with the treatment.
The debate of the donor vs ‘father’ language is something that will rumble on forever I’m sure. For what it’s worth, I agree with you and that’s the language we choose to use too, but I know not everyone will agree with that

OP posts:

ByGraceAlone · 17/05/2025 09:09

loopsdefruit · 17/05/2025 09:01

Thank you for the congratulations :) like I said, we will not be referring to her donor as her father or her dad because we view father as a relational term that indicates an ongoing and active role in a persons life. That is our choice and understanding (and you could find a number of threads on here or in wider parts of the internet where mothers have chosen to refer to a biological father who turned out to be crap as a “sperm donor” because they feel he lost the right to be their child’s father). If our child decides she wants to think of or call her donor her dad that’s fine and we would go with her preferences.

I don’t see how telling our child everything we know about her donor and supporting her to access more information when she is legally able to do so (we can’t do it sooner or we would) is shutting out an inconvenient truth? She isn’t going to believe my wife provided the sperm.

Show quote history

Father is not just a nurturing role it's also the word for the male parent.

It comes across as if you don't want to acknowledge there is a male parent or that the male parent is significant to your child so are choosing dehumanising language to refer to him.
I think this is for your own needs, to deny this inconvenient reality, because everyone has a father, and fathers, even absent ones, are significant to individuals.

I'm not going to comment any further as you are pregnant and I'm sure happy and excited. I'm sure you're going to be wonderful parents and hope that maybe some comments here may help you in the future with the parenting trials we all experience one way or another!

SapphireSeptember · 17/05/2025 09:10

2024onwardsandup · 16/05/2025 14:40

Oh actually I take that back - I’m on the whole comfortable with two fathers adopting - but VERY uncomfortable with two fathers buying a baby from its mother

Same. I think surrogacy is evil. A woman voluntarily giving up her child because she knows she won't cope/doesn't want it, is still sad, but understandable. A woman being made to give up her child because that child is at risk of harm is the best thing for the child. These babies already exist. People creating children knowing they're going to be taken from their mothers right after birth is dreadful.

I used to know an older couple who fostered babies, some of the things they told me were heartbreaking. One little girl was born addicted to the drugs her birth mother was on.

But we know now the damage this does to children further down the line. We even know babies feel rejected before they're even born, if they're not wanted.
I wanted DS, but I considered an abortion or adoption because deep down I knew I'd be a single mum, even though I was hoping his father would come through. I ended up having an early scan and that was that. The sonographer and the nurse were both so kind and they could tell I'd made up my mind.

Two mums, no problem. One is carrying the child, they'll be in that child's life, the same with women who use a sperm donation to have a child, which is what my friend did.

Isitreallythough · 17/05/2025 09:17

No issue. I know some lovely two mum families. x

SheilaFentiman · 17/05/2025 09:20

Father is not just a nurturing role it's also the word for the male parent

And sperm (or egg) donor is also a word that fits these situations.

Across MN there are debates about whether, say, a stepdad who has been in the child’s life for 10 years when the biological father has disappeared should be referred to as Dad, and the answer is practically always to be child led on it.

If our child decides she wants to think of or call her donor her dad that’s fine and we would go with her preferences.

The PP stated clearly that if her DD used the word father/dad, she and her wife would be led by that.

loopsdefruit · 17/05/2025 09:24

ByGraceAlone · 17/05/2025 09:09

Father is not just a nurturing role it's also the word for the male parent.

It comes across as if you don't want to acknowledge there is a male parent or that the male parent is significant to your child so are choosing dehumanising language to refer to him.
I think this is for your own needs, to deny this inconvenient reality, because everyone has a father, and fathers, even absent ones, are significant to individuals.

I'm not going to comment any further as you are pregnant and I'm sure happy and excited. I'm sure you're going to be wonderful parents and hope that maybe some comments here may help you in the future with the parenting trials we all experience one way or another!

Show quote history

I am excited and happy (also uncomfortable and tired haha anyone with any tips for sleeping well with a giant baby in you please let me know haha)

I do understand your perspective absolutely. I may not agree right now but both my wife and I are absolutely open to our child wanting to think of her donor in a different way than we do. Personally, I wish I could meet him, I’m so grateful to him for what he has given us and I’d love to have him be a bigger part of our lives. However he also made a choice to be a donor in the way he has been, that means that for him right now he wants to be a donor not a dad to the donor conceived children. He has indicated openness to contact in the future but those choices aren’t mine or my wife’s to make or control.

This process is new for us so we may well change our perspective in the future and that includes the language we use, other people will make their own choices too.

Our daughter will also decide for herself the significance of her male parent and even if she views him in those terms. She may feel a loss or she may not. We will love and support her in either case.

We obviously chose this route over a family friend/known donor/someone off the internet. I think we did that largely because of my own experiences of families in court processes where the children get stuck in the middle. We didn’t want that for our daughter and it is always a bigger risk with a known donor - too many cooks can be a real difficulty.

ByGraceAlone · 17/05/2025 09:26

Across MN there are debates about whether, say, a stepdad who has been in the child’s life for 10 years when the biological father has disappeared should be referred to as Dad, and the answer is practically always to be child led on it.

Interesting example as it clearly shows that everyone knows who is the father and where it's debatable.

People can choose to use language differently if they wish but it doesn't change that for 99% of people everywhere and forever the word for male parent is father and everyone has one, and they are significant whether they are involved or not, and every child becomes aware of this whatever language you use to disguise it.

SheilaFentiman · 17/05/2025 09:29

Interesting example as it clearly shows that everyone knows who is the father and where it's debatable.

Wilfully missing the point, I see.

Hey-ho, time to log off and enjoy the weekend.

ByGraceAlone · 17/05/2025 09:36

SheilaFentiman · 17/05/2025 09:29

Interesting example as it clearly shows that everyone knows who is the father and where it's debatable.

Wilfully missing the point, I see.

Hey-ho, time to log off and enjoy the weekend.

Nope.

I just think it didn't make the point you thought it did and in fact illustrated my point.

You are right though I did 'willfully' post.
Me and my willfullness!

TENSsion · 17/05/2025 10:28

SheilaFentiman · 17/05/2025 09:29

Interesting example as it clearly shows that everyone knows who is the father and where it's debatable.

Wilfully missing the point, I see.

Hey-ho, time to log off and enjoy the weekend.

The point is that using the term “sperm donor” may make her feel that 50% of who she is is worthless, not worth mention, minimised.

Roxietrees · 17/05/2025 10:45

Tourmalines · 16/05/2025 23:15

Yes, this is a weird one . Op said her wife was listed on the birth certificate as parent before they got married which gives her legal parenting rights apparently. But she’s not adopted her so it seems she’s no more than a step mother really . How would this really work out if they split . Would she really have access rights ? Not sure on that .

Show quote history

Pretty simple - if she’s listed as a parent on the birth certificate she has equal parental rights - just as many as the birth mother. She’d have just as many rights if they split

Allrightonthenight1 · 17/05/2025 11:01

Corneliusthecamel · 16/05/2025 19:41

In my experience what you are offered varies depending on area. Where I live, same sex couples are allowed up to 6 cycles of IUI and one cycle of IVF on the NHS before having to pay privately. If you’re lucky enough to have a child that way, subsequent treatment that you want for any further children has to be paid for privately.

There isn’t any ‘trying’ involved because you can’t try unless you choose to have sex with a man of course. This is just what the NHS states couples are entitled to currently, in my area at least like I say. Might be a lot different elsewhere

Show quote history

If there's no 'trying', do same sex couples effectively jump the queue?

That would be my objection; you decide you want a child and get help. Meanwhile, heterosexual couples have to 'prove' their need, causing huge stress and anxiety.

MereNoelle · 17/05/2025 11:05

Allrightonthenight1 · 17/05/2025 11:01

If there's no 'trying', do same sex couples effectively jump the queue?

That would be my objection; you decide you want a child and get help. Meanwhile, heterosexual couples have to 'prove' their need, causing huge stress and anxiety.

Show quote history

I don’t think there are many heterosexual couples who would want to go straight to IVF without trying to conceive naturally though. IVF is invasive and unpleasant, why would a heterosexual couple want to go straight down that route without being pretty sure that they weren’t able to conceive naturally?

Original poster

Corneliusthecamel · 17/05/2025 11:12

Allrightonthenight1 · 17/05/2025 11:01

If there's no 'trying', do same sex couples effectively jump the queue?

That would be my objection; you decide you want a child and get help. Meanwhile, heterosexual couples have to 'prove' their need, causing huge stress and anxiety.

Show quote history

Well, I think it’s more that there is no way to ‘prove’ that need though in a same sex relationship? So it’s more a case of needing assistance by proxy if you like? Because no amount of endless sex with two women is going to end in a pregnancy of course, whereas like the previous poster says, heterosexual couples are always going to try naturally first - why wouldn’t they
So I don’t think of it as queue jumping personally, no. But it’s up to other people whether they agree or not, some might or some might not. Personally I’m just thankful I was able to get that support

OP posts:

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 11:27

Allrightonthenight1 · 17/05/2025 11:01

If there's no 'trying', do same sex couples effectively jump the queue?

That would be my objection; you decide you want a child and get help. Meanwhile, heterosexual couples have to 'prove' their need, causing huge stress and anxiety.

Show quote history

Iirc, same sex couples have to privately try AI before theyre given IVF.

Original poster

Corneliusthecamel · 17/05/2025 11:41

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 11:27

Iirc, same sex couples have to privately try AI before theyre given IVF.

Show quote history

This may have been the case previously but not currently. I mentioned earlier but the help you get depends on where you live - postcode lottery as with other treatments too. Where I live, same sex couples can have up to 6 cycles of IUI + one cycle of IVF via NHS. Any further treatment has to be funded privately.
If you have a successful pregnancy and want another child, you must pay privately for that treatment

OP posts: