How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

You think made-to-order babies is enlightened?

Honestly I would think the baby would be very egg lucky,

The alternatives would be another couple or single person adopting obviously

I’m not homophobic in the slightest and have already responded to the OP but the OP did ask and want honest opinions so you shouldn’t berate people for giving them even if you disagree

I feel no negative issues of two women raising a baby. I do think that the idea of one mom carrying the other mom's fetus is dangerous to birth mom and baby for health reasons (for the same reasons it's a bad idea for straight women who plan to be surrogates).

I have several friends who are lesbians and raising their children - vast majority are fabulous moms! One friend is a bit selfish in her general nature, but her wife makes up for it. Not dissimilar from my straight friends. I do think, if possible, make babies with a man who donated sperm and wants to be in your children's lives. Anonymous sperm donation and/or absent dads aren't ideal for any kid, but I'm not terribly against it. This is gentle advice I'd give to straight or lesbian friends only if they asked. I do have a straight friend who went the sperm route as a single mom and her kids are happy...I've never said a thing because she never asked me what I thought!

While I think gay men can be great dads, I really hate those who use a surrogate and purchase eggs. I find it appalling. I guess it's because I strongly believe babies need their mothers and using a woman's body to give you a baby is as vile as it gets.

I don’t agree with using donors.
It brings up a lot of ethical dilemmas.
I don’t openly say this to people as that is their life choice. If they asked me directly my opinion I would say.

I have suffered/currently suffering from infertility. 1st child took 2.5 years to conceive naturally after a failed IVF cycle and now she is going to be 6 and no other pregnancy.
Me and my husband discussed our opinions regarding donors as it came up when we were completing IVF papers.
We agreed that we would never use a donor and if that meant we remained childless then so be it.
We would have eventually go down the adoption route.
If we have no other children we would be open to fostering once our daughter is older.
We know a lot of foster parents and the difference they make to children’s lives are priceless. We are aware of the challenges that comes with it, hence we would wait till our daughter is older.

Completely fine as long as it is a stable and loving environment invested in the child to reach their full potential i.e. not that involving exposure to harmful behaviours etc that would affect them growing up...but we would say this to all parents!

Look at all the women on here who have had children with feckless lazy men. Or abusive men! So many Fathers just fuck off and leave their children and they only have one parent anyway, so having two loving parents can't be a bad thing.
I am someone who seriously considered using donor sperm, BUT I do think it is exploitative. It wouldn't have stopped me from using it, but it needs acknowledging that it is exploitative. Not as exploitative as surrogacy though. I do have problems with babies being taken away from their Mother and given to men. A baby needs it's Mother.

I do know a lesbian couple who had a baby, and the non pregnant one acted like a twat and had an affair when her wife was 7 months pregnant, then fucked off. Then she demanded rights to see the baby, overnight stays when the baby was tiny etc. So yes both parents need their parental responsibility enshrined in law, UNLESS one of them is a twat and can't even stick around for the birth. Then they forfeit their rights.

🥱

Raising a child as a same sex couple……no issues!

Any baby that is born in to a safe and loving family with supportive and attentive parents is a lucky baby.

plenty of babies born to heterosexual couples who have none of those things.

Quite frankly there’s enough deadbeat hetero dads out there to convince me that women should just form communes and do it ourselves.

The most important thing is love and the rest doesn’t matter. Some will struggle with it but that’s on them. I’m sorry this has happened with your friend, it’s very sad but their loss.

Well, you’ve convinced me you have salient points on the topic 😂

One more thing. My kinda selfish friend tries to pretend her sons don't have a dad (made via donor sperm) but her wife has fought her on this for years. I'm not sure how it's landed as my friend seems angry about it and won't talk about it anymore, but I always found her attitude about this unfair to her kids. It should have been acknowledged early that they have a genetic father. 23andMe may even tell them who!

I have friends (a couple) who are like this. They are opposite sex and the would be mother is worse than him. Just not maternal..but more so than most generally not particularly maternal women. They’re trying for a baby and I hope they get what they want, I’m just not sure they’re doing it for the right (reality) reasons. But who knows, it could be their natural role in life and they just didn’t realise. - not saying this to make a point particularly, just feel like some people (including some women) aren’t very baby-centric

From my previous post (too late to edit):

There are other potentially controversial reasons that I believe should exclude people from parenthood. For example, I live with a lifelong chronic mental illness and on that basis alone (although there are other reasons), I have never aspired to parenthood or child-raising. It would be extremely unfair on any child involved.

...I should add that I've nonetheless been enriched by the children in my life, the nephews and nieces, friends' kids etc., and I too have been a very popular and hopefully beneficial presence in their lives.

It's not necessary to be a parent yourself to be a useful member of "the village".

It's awful that you have experienced this op, there are some real arseholes around! It's absolutely fantastic that everyone can live the life they choose, and no dickheads should be judging.

Really wouldn't think anything of it, same with two dads.

I am delighted to live in a world where socially, emotionally and scientifically there are ways for couples of all and any genders, mixed or otherwise, to bring a loved baby into the world. Anyone who cannot accept this is missing out. I have a female family member who shares a baby with another woman, and I love her, her partner and baby deeply and hugely admire the beautiful family they have created.

Loved and treasured & respected & cared about by lots, at least 2 adults, is the best position for a baby to be in. Can't find much opinion beyond that.

Don’t think I’ve ever given it much thought because I always thought it was totally fine and had no issue with it. I now know 2x female female couples with children and both families are so lovely and have such a good dynamic and are bringing up such wonderful happy kids, I can’t see why anyone could or would have any issue with it.

Babies need love,regard and consistency. That can be with same sex or man & woman parents

Two loving parents (of either gender) is all that matters. I do think children should have a good idea of their biological history though, including the option to meet their biological father.

We saw a wildlife programme a couple of years ago about elephant families. Teenage male elephants were causing havoc in settlements and tearing up trees and other vegetation, wrecking homesteads and so on. Cause- older male elephants had been killed for ivory so there were no role models for the teenagers or to keep the younger ones in line.

This seems like a model for the feral nature we are witnessing with male yoof of today. Boys need a responsible male in their lives.

I'm sure I read about a study recently that said children with lesbian mums have the best outcomes of any family set-up, because they get a "double dose of mothering", which sounds good to me.