How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

I have nothing against two same-sex parents as long as both partners are skilled and loving parents, but like most people here I am opposed to surrogacy. I also don't like the idea of children being raised by people who identify as members of the opposite sex.

There are other potentially controversial reasons that I believe should exclude people from parenthood. For example, I live with a lifelong chronic mental illness and on that basis alone (although there are other reasons), I have never aspired to parenthood or child-raising. It would be extremely unfair on any child involved.

I don’t think it’s ’nice’ , I think it’s essential. Especially if the child is a boy.

I think it shows how far removed we are from understanding child development that we think a boy growing up with close bonds with adult males is a ‘nice to have’ rather than an essential.

Not ideal how?

I’d have taken having two of my mum over a millisecond of my father. All day long.

What do we think that men provide the family that women can’t?

What do children lose out on by having same sex parents?

All children need one loving adult to raise them into healthy adults. Someone who’ll do everything in their power to provide for the child’s physical, mental and emotional needs. Doesn’t matter if this person is a parent, grandparent, adopter, etc. One person who makes them feel unconditionally loved and cared for. If they’re lucky, they’ll get two adults like this raising them. Sex is irrelevant.

I’m a solo mother who had kids by myself so only one mum. Best thing I ever did and whilst being a parent is obviously challenging so far they seem to be doing brilliantly. Nothing else matters and if someone had a problem with it I’d dump them as a friend immediately - no one I know has been anything but supportive though. Seperately, I also grew up with a single dad as my mother passed away when I was young - and I wouldn’t say he was perfect (good person but not cut out to provide active emotional support to children) yet the biggest mistake he ever made was thinking the three of us needed a female figure at home to compensate for his parental weaknesses and so marrying my stepmother - what happened after that was materially more traumatic that losing our mother or being gently neglected by our father.

I also think about it like this: for a lesbian couple to have a baby, all they ultimately need is to procure some sperm from somewhere.

for a gay male couple……they have to use a woman to have the baby. I don’t like it. It’s taking a baby from the woman that carried it.

think that’s what underpins my uneasiness at gay couples raising babies as opposed to lesbians.

@Jane958 What about the best interests of that little girl? Don't you think she'd like a mum and dad rather than two dads?

No issues at all. I’m also fine with two men raising a child. Why should a ‘traditional’ family structure be better for a child? The important thing is to have loving responsible adults in your life. Shame your ex friend has such a narrow minded view. (By the way I’ve had these views for my entire adult life and am a cis woman in a long term marriage with children and grandchildren)

I’ve already explained this over and over in my posts. Children are evolved to start to gravitate to the parent that is the same sex as them. This starts from age 7 and upwards. It’s how they learn about how to be a man or a woman. It’s how we evolved.

The fact that some children have shit fathers is not an argument that Fathers are unnecessary.

Having role models of both sexes is valuable. Having a parent the same sex as the child, even more so.

There really is no need to. 🙄

It doesn't worry me so long as they are both decent people and can provide a stable, loving home. The same when it's two men. I'm not worried by it. The sex and sexuality of the parents is not the most important thing.

I am not thrilled about lesbian women getting IVF on the NHS though. Gay men don't get surrogacy on the NHS. The NHS is there to help people with medical issues. In the case of IVF it should be because of infertility. This isn't an infertility issue. There is no medical problem to cure or solve.

Really? You think that removing newborns from their mother at birth is so obviously fine that it needs no explanation?

That is a new one to me, I'll admit!

Okay.

I disagree with basically all of that, and think it’s a fairly dated view.

It’s 2025 - lots of us have moved on from the idea that a nuclear family is the only acceptable form.

Child safety and human rights are everyone’s issue.

Then consider yourself enlightened. 🤷‍♀️

I think happy baby and congratulations and I'm jealous I wish I was attracted to women and had had my baby with a lovely woman instead of a mean bully nasty man

I am turning 50 in a few months. My father died when I was 2. My mom was devastated and locked herself in the basement for years. I was raised by my grandmother and aunts until my mom came back. We moved so it was just my grandmother and mom and then my grandmother's sisters. My mom was never available to me. She lives with me now and we still don't talk. She has a better relationship with my husband and I'm thankful for that. I have 3 boys, all with my husband in a very traditional relationship.
My good friend gave up her baby in her 20s. My aunt who married another woman when it finally became legal, we're great Aunties. My other good friend had horrid relationship with her abusive mother. My other friend had horrid militant parents.
My point is, there is no 1 kind of "right" family. My aunt who married a wealthy man, had just as many awful things going on in her neighborhood as any other. They just had more money to keep their dirty laundry quiet and everyone knew everything anyway.
I guess my point is. People tend to look at history through rose colored glasses or moral police glasses.... like rfk Jr saying he never saw autism when he was growing up. It wasn't because it didn't exist, but we hid those kids away. Even kids with downs weren't often kept at home. So the 50s "looked" more "traditional " but I believe it was only because society accepted throwing people away.
Any man or woman could be an awful parent or an amazing parent. I believe if a child is wanted and loved and cared for, what does it matter. I don't feel less than anyone else because I didn't have a father. I honestly never really even thought about it all that much. I was loved. I had an extended group of people who took care of me. This back to tradition nonsense has to stop. It didn't work out then for everyone. I feel bad for your friend who can't see past her own perceived whatever it is that can't allow her to see a happy wanted child. I am sorry that people still believe this way. I certainly can't imagine looking around these days with all the awful examples of terrible parents of mostly traditional families and think that's the only way it can be!!! I'd argue that not having a traditional family allowed me to grow up realizing that all the men arguing for a traditional family are just clueless sad humans that haven't lived past the end of their nose so to speak and that makes me sad that they can't see the world as a beautiful messy place

I don’t have a problem with it at all. I would be very happy to be friends with your family or for DD to be friends with your child.
A child needs a loving home be that with women, men, grandparents, foster parents etc
I do think it’s important for same sex parents to consider how they will ensure their child has role models of the other sex- be that grandparents/other relatives or close friends. That is regardless of the sex of the child but obviously even more important if you have 2 men raising a girl or 2 women raising a boy.
I had a gay work colleague (teacher) who adopted boy/girl siblings with his husband. I have absolutely no doubt that those kids have a very loving supportive home- they also have very close friends and grandparents providing female role models.
I do have some concerns around surrogacy- the in built bond between that child and mum that’s being severed and the effect that might have on a child’s development. However I have absolutely no problem with a gay couple adopting a child who can’t live with its birth mother.

I have issues with surrogacy. I've absolutely zero issues with same sex parents but if a surrogate was used then I'm very uncomfortable with it.

Ps but if I was raising a baby with a woman I'd make lots of effort to have consistent male role models like uncles grandads or godfathers in the child's life so they know what healthy adult men are like in case they grow up to be one or date men

Same

Judging a family with 2 Mums, or 2 Dads, is no different to judging a single parent family, IMO.

It's cuntish behaviour and it says more about the judger than the judged.

You're well rid of this 'friend', OP.

Wouldn’t bother me…..my only slight concern would be that they may have to answer some difficult questions at school/ possibly encounter some bullying from other kids

Unfortunately I can't because you won't enlighten me.

One might suspect, if one were a cynic, that the reason you won't is because you in fact have applied absolutely no critical thought to why you think this, except that you've vaguely gleaned that it is the 'correct' opinion currently held by the 'goodies'.

But only if one were a cynic.

Which part?
The PP gleefully detailing her husband’s incompetence or my pointing out it not being our issue?