How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

It would not cross my mind to think anything about it at all - if I thought anything it would be positive, but only because I have friends in similar situations to you and they are amazing.

I am a single mum with twins, using donor sperm.

I think it’s great your child has two loving parents, no matter the sex.

But ideally, I think it’s preferable to have two parents of opposite sex. I see how my children gravitate to my brother - they love how he’s taller and stronger than me, and can lift and throw them around a little bit. My daughter even said she wishes Uncle J was her daddy.

So I’m doing my best parenting them on my own, but I can see it would be lovely for them to have an engaged father too.

i don’t see the sense in the argument that because some Fathers are useless, it’s ok to create a child without a Father.

Thats no sort of argument at all.

If we are artificially creating children I fully believe we should seek to create those children only in optimal situations, not sub-optimal on the grounds that some kids have worse sub-optimal
Situations anyway.

And yes, I do think that two loving opposite sex parents are more beneficial for a child than two same sex parents. Particularly if the child is off a different sex to the lesbian or gay parents.

You were not fighting for gay rights if you do not support a gay person’s right to have children

I recently met a little girl, aged 1, with 2 fathers. She was adorable and they were delightful. They had adopted her.
I had to rethink my opinions on the whole subject.
I came to the conclusion that the fathers wanted a child and were prepared to take on a baby for adoption rather than going down other routes. It seems like they got very lucky (I have family and friends where this did not work out so well) and were clearly giving her the care, love and attention she deserves.

Only the awful cases where intervention came too little or two late make the newspapers. There are no news reports on the children who are removed from their birth families and placed with foster or adoptive families for their own safety.

Really? You were great friends with someone as an (presumably) out lesbian, who doesn't approve of two women having children together? I can't see it myself.

Did she come to your wedding? Was she friends with your wife? It all seems extremely unlikely to me.

I think loving parents are beneficial, regardless of sex.

It’s great if there are two, but even that’s not a deal breaker for me.

I resent what your no longer friend thinks. If she thinks a child needs a mum and a dad how does she feel about children of single parents? Are these parents unable to raise theor kids? Are these kids of lesser social value to a child with a mum and a dad? What a bout people with a mum and a dad but one for them is a shot parent?

To posters who’ve said not having a father means kids miss out on “being thrown about” or rough play is totally sexist and total bollocks. I play fight with my DD all the time. I went to a big soft play recently and the woman on reception said “it’s ok you don’t have to go in with her, it’s usually the dads that like to do that”…with an eye roll. I didn’t get it at all. I love going in and playing with her. It’s got nothing to do with gender. It’s to do with your personality type. I’m sure there are plenty of dad’s that can’t be arsed physically playing with their children

As long as a child has a loving, engaged and supportive family, the sex of the parents don't make a difference to me.

I don’t know, I think the kid might find it embarrassing having two mums/dads. Like other kids taking the P**s but I guess that builds character. Have there been any studies done or anything on long term effects? Going to google I think

Edited to say I’ve googled and no there aren’t any negative effects at all so no issue imo.

Two mums is fab. Two dads makes me incredibly sad when a baby is involved and no mum to be seen.

I would think nothing of it but surely for others to answer this it’s best to consider what parents are for. To provide safety, show support, nurture growth, and, of course, provide love. I can’t think of anybody better to do this than 2 mums who have wanted this and had conversations and hurdles before going ahead. You’re probably better prepared than many parents. You can model positive relationships and behaviour for a child in a way that many couples fail to.

People mention the hole of not knowing their biological father, and I totally understand that, but they don’t talk about the potential hole of knowing your father. My father is not in my life, admittedly by my own choice, but the pain he has put me through in my life and the trauma I carry is immense.
This isn’t to say one or the other is better, just that it isn’t black and white what is ‘right’. I know mums and dads who I believe shouldn’t have had children due to the lack of care they offer. There are single sex couples offering far beyond what children from these homes could ever even dream of.

I don’t think your friend is a friend at all. Turn to those who fill you with wows not woes!

Some of the parents that I look up to the most are in same sex marriages. They’ve created beautiful, safe and secure family units. Their kids are super lucky to have them.

I absolutely do not support surrogacy - for gay men, heterosexual couples or lesbians. Anyone. Because it involves the deliberate breaking of the maternal bond at birth in order to serve the desires of adults

Christ on a bike. 🤦‍♀️

In my limited experience, two women raising a child are likely to have put a fair amount of thought into how they parent, and are thoughtful parents as a result. After all, there are no accidental pregnancies for these couples! The ones I know are wonderful parents and their children are very lucky.

I do think it is nice if children growing up in such a family have a few male role models as well, whether through family or friends. I think it’s beneficial for children in all families to have good role models of both sexes.

Thanks - I didn’t know how it worked and felt cheeky asking

Intensely curious about the specifics but I tend to be able to squash that as it’s not my business!

I'm a lesbian with a sperm donor conceived baby too, so obviously I think it's fine lol. Having said that, there are lots of ethical issues with sperm donation and I strongly believe a child has a right to know their genetic heritage. I would personally be more than happy for my baby to have known her donor from birth. I wish I had a picture of him. I think it's about being open with your child from a young age, which some straight couples probably don't do. You obviously can't lie anyway in a lesbian couple lol.

Gay men imo should adopt. I don't agree with surrogacy.

This is exactly the sort of comment I am talking about when I say adults needs are placed above children’s. The only concern is this comment is for the adults.

Care to expand?

I think the fact that so many posters, including yourself, argue for same sex parents by saying ‘well it’s better than having a shit Dad’, shows that implicitly they recognize two same sex parents is not ideal.

So many homophobic posts here. Shame on all of them.

A kid who has two loving fathers is a lucky one, despite what some of you say. I say this, as a woman.

I want to start by saying I don't think there is anything wrong with your decision to have DC.

But since you're asking about what people really think to try and get a handle on attitudes you sometimes see but don't necessarily hear explained -

I don't have a problem with children being brought up by two mums (or two dads) in a loving home. Kids in this situation are lucky just as kids in a loving home with a mum and dad are.

But...if I look deeply at my feelings there's definitely a bit of me that doesn't think it's ideal. I do think kids are ideally brought up by their biological parents in a loving home. Because I think the genetic link to parents is a big benefit and two (loving) parents are a lot better than one. I also see some benefit to having one male and one female role model at home too, providing they are both good role models.

And there are a bunch of other criteria that, I think, make for an optimum situation for children. I had kids in a situation I don't think is ideal (I think DH and I were older and more nomadic than would have been best ) but I still think it was close enough to the ideal that it wasn't a poor decision to go for it.

An awful lot of kids, maybe most, are conceived in less than ideal situations. In some cases far enough from the ideal that it's not a good idea, I know a few people I think shouldn't have had kids in the situation they were in at the time (including my own mother with both me and my sibling). But in other cases close enough to the ideal that it's a good situation to have kids in. To me it sounds like you were close enough to the ideal that it was good and your DC are lucky.