How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

My ex and I are split up. My ex is the one who’s not biologically related. Both her and I (no matter how much she drives me insane! Which is fairly regularly) 100% see our DD as both of ours. We were both there in the newborn, baby and toddler days and the bond she has with her is unbreakable. She’s both of ours equally and our DD has a very strong bond with both of us. I’ve never thought any different

I know three lesbian couples with kids they are all lovely. Tbh they seem much better balanced than most heterosexual couples and kids are doing well.

It’s mad that people are calling a donor a “father/dad” and saying that they should be on the birth certificate. That person literally had 10 minutes with a cup, it does not make them a father.
Whereas often (hopefully!!) the none birthing partner is with the child through the night, when they are sick, upset, care for them, love them, nurture them, teach them etc etc. - they are of course more a parent than the donor!
Also in response to those saying the child won’t know their biological history and potential health concerns/hereditary conditions - as someone who has been through IVF - the sperm donor centre we used had EXTENSIVE testing process of all health conditions (much more then most people will have of their chosen partner) and everything is documented for my children so no gaps in health knowledge.
Finally, it is now law in UK that children have the right to know who the donor is (and rightly so in my opinion). My children will of course have all the information they wish to have and can make contact if that is what they want to do. All they will get is support from me and my partner in this process.
Until then they will have two parents who love them and put their needs first. Good luck to you and your wife OP, it’s a shame but sounds like you’re better off without this friend x

I think children deserve a father and a mother. We don't always get what we deserve and that's not fair.

Poor child. Must be so confused.

Haven’t RTFT btw, but had to comment on this. How sad. And selfish of all these women.

I mean, there is actually a limit to how bad a parent you can be before social services will remove your children from your care. The government can’t stop fertile women who have sex with fertile men from becoming pregnant and having babies, but they can and do remove babies at birth in cases where both parents have previously proven themselves unfit to look after that child. I bar for acceptable parenting may be very low, but it does exist.

I agree with you re IVF.

I don’t think it’s ideal, since time began a male together with a female have been creating and nurturing children. Obviously the child would not exist without a father somewhere! It is surely a child’s right to at least know his/her parentage and to live with knowledge that their father is available for contact should they desire it. It just doesn’t sit right with me, I don’t doubt that the child will be surrounded by love from their mother and the mother’s partner, but they do not have two mothers.
You did ask for honesty OP

we have a few kids in our school with 2 mums. I have no strong feelings either way as long as the child is loved and cared for but something I’ve always wondered is how it works with a birth cert? My friend and her wife had a baby, my friend’s eggs were put in her wife’s oven (my 9yr olds explanation) so is she effectively a surrogate? I’ve never wanted to ask but I’m intrigued how it would work in the case of a divorce / separation. Do both have equal parental rights?

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I have more issues with people who keep having children then don’t/can’t parent. If you have a child removed, then another, is it ok to keep producing more? I’m not too bothered about the human rights of the parents by then (often the ‘father’ has disappeared anyway) but care about the prospects of the children. Adopted and looked after children are far more likely to have emotional and psychological issues, learning difficulties, ADHD etc.

Actually, the child probably has a very good understanding of how loved and wanted they are.

In 2025 it's sad that someone can be so narrow minded and obtuse not to see that.

Your useless husband isn’t anyone else’s issue.

I think that two loving parents is ideal for a child and she should focus her energies on all the children growing up with no loving parents, or in poverty because one of the parents has buggered off.

I'm quite disgusted by the comments saying that two men shouldn't bring up a baby. Really gross.

Most posters are concerned by how two men acquire a baby.

Most likely they are both on the birth certificate and yes both have parental rights.

I have no feelings on same sex parents that differ from my feelings on hetro parents or single parents.

I'm actually really surprised that people do have views on it these days if I'm honest.

This thread has been a bit of an eye opener.

I think any child growing up with two mothers is blessed, assuming it's a happy relationship.

Since time began kids have been raised in all sorts of situations, many raised in situations without their biological parents, with one parent, with grandparents. There has always been lots of family forms.

It is very difficult to say what is better or “ideal” , because there are so many variables. Ultimately when kids are raised in loving homes and are well cared for and supported, they tend to do well.

Admittedly all of the two dad families I know are through adoption.

I'm against surrogacy, but the sex of the parents is irrelevant to my dislike of it.

@Hwi Can I ask why? A colleague said to me once pre-kids (in front of 8-10 other colleagues) that she thought lesbian couples should adopt rather than have their own children. She got absolutely torn to bits by all the other colleagues and rightly so. I’ve always known I wanted to be a mum, always known that I would provide a loving, safe and stable home for a child. I wasn’t going to let being gay stand in the way of having my own biological child. ANYONE that adopts a child should be applauded. It’s an amazing thing to do, but it’s not a gay couple’s “duty” to do it. It’s a huge decision and has to be made for the right reasons, not just because you don’t have a male partner. Why not feel sorry for kids who had a father that left them as babies, or neglected children with a mother and a father, or kids with parents who can’t keep them safe?

I think parenting is a two person job, ideally. The sex of the parents is irrelevant.

Fathers aren’t the only male role models children can have, what about grandfathers, uncles, friends

Rude!!

The answer is the same as the answer to how any heterosexual couples you know "acquired" their babies. Absolutely none of your business.

If you have fertility treatment as a same sex couple in the uk, the non biological parent would have exactly the same rights as the biological mother in the event of a split. There is a lot of preparation that goes into fertility treatment, it’s not just a case of conceiving without preparing or thinking about the future - quite the opposite actually, there are lots of in-depth conversations, counselling & consent forms!