How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

I dont think any different to a child who has. A mum and a dad.
A mum only
A dad only
2 dad's
1 mum and 2 dads
2 dad's and 1 mum

Families comes in all sort of sizes I don't think oh weird to any of the set ups. I grew up with divorced parents and step parents that's mt family set up it's fine..

I do think different if a child lived with aunts and uncles or.grandparents but more in the form of something occurred for that set up to happen..

My honest opinion is that as long as that child is loved, cared for, parent or parents involved in wanting to care, support and nuture that child and bring them up to be well rounded individuals then I don't give two hoots about if a single parent, a hetero or same sex couple.

I have a much much bigger issue with people who have children and then don't parent at all or think it's someone else's job to teach the bare basics such as toilet training, how to ask for things or how to behave around others (SENS excluded from that one). Or dad's who do basically nothing unless they have a audience and even then the act is dropped after 30 mins!

My DH gets lots of praise for being "a hands on dad"..... to me he's being a parent which is what I expect for him to be!

A good same sex couple is better than a poor or average male/female couple. But I think a good mixed couple would usually be optimal, (particularly if the child is of different sex to the same sex couple).

Goodness! Why?

A baby, child, adult needs to be loved. As long as they are good parents, I don’t care whether they’re same sex or not, single parent, foster parent, adoptive parent.

This, however I think it's wrong when parents of either sex/couple mix, feel that the child doesn't have a right to know about their genetic background.
I've seen posts on here saying 'that doesn't matter, they don't have a father/mother' which is not fair.

probably gets better care from two mothers than an average mum and father. I also don’t begrudge single woman doing it alone.

I don’t believe IVF should be offered on the NHS full stop, and I don’t agree with donor-conceived children (from a not-known donor), but the principle of being raised with two Mums or two Dads doesn’t bother me.

I don’t have an issue with private surrogacy arrangements, sisters who carry babies for childless couples ect….

I do have an issue with paid surrogacy or any surrogacy where there is an imbalance of power. But this is not a gay male issue, the vast majority of people who use surrogacy worldwide are heterosexual couples. Worries about the ethics of surrogacy doesn’t take away from the fact that two men can also provide a loving stable home to bring up children.

Having adopted our son, and heard of the horrific things kids in care go through before they are removed from birth families, I am 100% of the view that as long as a child has a parent/parents that love them and keep them safe that’s a great thing. Doesn’t matter whether it’s male/female or any other combo!

I’m sorry you went through that with your friend OP. It seems crazy that in 2025 this would be her opinion. Was she in any way homophobic or judgmental about your lifestyle before? It’s shocking that she would judge someone else’s choice of parenting to this extent, when there are such a vast range of different family dynamics all over the country. My DD also has two mums. So of course I 100% support it. For many gay couples - male and female, having a child is a long considered, often expensive decision. Therefore these parents are fully committed to loving and raising that child and can provide a loving and supportive home. Lots and lots of kids grow up with single mums. This is no different, better even, as there’s two mums. Yes, there are ethical considerations but it’s about educating yourself as much as possible and being as open as possible with your child. I have many friends who never knew their dad and have no interest in finding him. However, if my DD is interested, the option, hopefully will be there when she is older. I think it’s not so much about the sex of the parents but the fact the child had two parents who provide love and support and who are invested in their lives. Who cares what their gender is.

I worry about the “mum” who isn’t biologically related in the event of a split.

My thoughts too!! And I disagree with surrogacy for everyone except in the very rare cases where it’s a sister or a close friend doing it for someone with severe fertility issues. Any paid for surrogacy is gross to me.

Fine - and very short sighted of your (ex) friend.

@Corneliusthecamel does your friend also have issues with straight couples that use donated eggs or sperm? Single mothers or single fathers? Children living with grandparents?

Why?

I was out with a friend today and our children and I literally thought omg this is so much more helpful than having my husband around 😆 So maybe she is wildly jealous? Every lesbian couple I know have been fantastic mothers and it’s worked great. No issues here!!

I had a traditional mum and dad upbringing. It fucked me and my brother up. They hated each other and had screaming fights, they cared more about themselves than us. As long as a baby has parents who love and protect them then the sex of the parents doesn’t matter.

I honestly don't think about it. It's more important that a child has people who care about them. What ever the family set up. I do think it's important for children to have good role models of both sexes but the role models don't have to be together.

I have no issues with this at all. However I was surprised that my SIL want crazy when she found out the school was teaching our kids about different families including two mums, two dads etc. I was genuinely shocked at her reaction, didn’t think she was a bigot in anyway! So I guess it just shows you that unfortunately people can keep these views hidden, like your friend did until she couldn’t anymore.

I genuinely wouldn’t worry what other people think though OP, you and your child are way better off without such judgey people in your life.

I know two male couples who are excellent and very caring dads to adopted children, in one case to three very difficult siblings with learning difficulties. So unfair when people assume 2 females somehow are better than 2 males!

I think a child should have a mother and a father.
I think same sex couples are okay to adopt or foster.

This is not that hard to deal with. My 5 year old knows how the basics of how babies are made (egg, sperm, fertilization, implantation, the stages of development of a fetus, pregnancy and birth). He doesn’t yet know about the mechanics of sex but would get a age appropriate version of the truth if he asked for more details about how the sperm gets into the woman’s uterus.
He also knows some kids at school with two mums. He hasn’t yet asked how that’s possible, despite knowing that making a baby requires sperm from dad and an egg from mum. When he does make that logical leap and ask, I’ll tell him about donor sperm and how sometimes the mum and/or the dad who make a baby are not the same mum or mums or dad or dads who look after and live with the baby/child. Then he can have the big explanation about how their are lots of different types of families.
Your 8 year old is not too young for some basic sex ed. Surely he already knows babies grow in mummies’ tummies? Most 2 year olds know that?