How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

All good. Not bothered in the least. I do think though that it is important that a child learns about both sexed and has a chance to get a good male role model.

Two dads though are a hard pass for me, based on the fact that it involves renting a womb and paying a woman for a baby. We are NOT incubators to be bought or sold.

I also agree with this. I think they have a mother, a step-mother and an unknown father. Not intrinsically bad, in my opinion. But I'm a firm proponent of calling things by their name and not using confusing language.

Why uncomfortable?

Any child that is loved and cherished is lucky. There are so many unwanted children in the world. Your child is lucky she is so wanted. I wouldn’t have a problem with 2 dads either.

Their other mother is on the birth certificate, though, and has been part of their life from (and before) birth. A stepmother is only in a child’s life because she’s in a relationship with that child’s parent, subsequent to the relationship that resulted in the child.

As a SMBC of a donor conceived child, I’d obviously be supportive. TBH I think all the people who dislike the thought of donor conception are ignorant or living decades in the past. All the unbiased research over the last couple of decades shows donor conceived kids now do just as well emotionally, educationally etc as other kids (actually often better in the case of SMBC because there is no risk of family break up).

On a personal level, some of my own child’s donor siblings parents are lesbian couples and the families seem very happy. Imo SMBC and lesbian couples often put much more thought (and effort) into the process involved in having a child - such as researching about donor conception/donor conceived people, making sure the donor is non-anonymous, making an effort to involve male relatives and close friends as male role-models in the children’s lives, making contact with their child’s donor siblings etc (it’s funny how our donors online group is all lesbian couples or SMBC, I don’t think the heterosexual parents are as keen on contact, which is often important to donor conceived kids). Because it isn’t as simple as just getting pregnant for us, and there can be no secrets as there is no way of hiding that there isn’t a father 🤣

Are you talking about surrogacy specifically (that many heterosexual couples do)?

What about two men that adopt a child that has had a horrific start in life and gives them a loving, stable home?

There are children in DDs class with 2 mummy's. Children are dearly loved, cared for and doing very well, they are a lovely family. I think as long as it's an environment where the child is loved and cared for what does it matter regarding the sex of the parents x

Confusing for who?

Yes of course! It would be hard to hide that from her in any case (not that I would) because she would see me listed as mother on her birth certificate one day. But yes, in an age appropriate way as she gets older, we will definitely tell her that I gave birth to her and how that happened.
And yes, most definitely. I’m not saying it would be an easy process but we would absolutely support her to make contact with her donor if that’s what she wanted. I think it should be up to her how much or how little she wants to know as time goes on but whatever her choice is, we will help her and support her

Absolutely, it’s no different to having a step mum and saying I have one dad and two mums or 2 dads and one mum.
It’s mum and her partner.

I try and work out which of my friend in the same sex relationship is the biological mother of the child. The couple look like each other. I wouldn't say it to their face

I think better that the baby has two loving mums than a dad who either walks out or doesn’t do much parenting, as both these scenarios seem quite common.

Yes, I also feel exactly the same way re two mothers vs two fathers.

Honestly, if anything I feel pretty positive about it.

Hi @Corneliusthecamel

I am actually so disappointed by the replies on this thread that say they are uncomfortable with this, or ok with it but not with two men.

There are so many children growing up without love and stability. If you are providing that for your children that is the most important thing you can do, regardless of how many parents and what their gender is! As for your ‘friend’ they are not a friend and I’m sorry you had to deal with this!

I feel fine with it. Family and close friend in this position. They just need to be good parents, like anyone. I think that judgements is pretty shitty

I have no feelings on it at all !! 2 mums, 2 dads, a mum and a dad ! All families are different and as long as kids get what they need and are loved and cared for then great !
the only slight thing I maybe think is that I do think particularly boys do need a strong stable male influence in their life. But they could have that in an uncle/family friend/grandfather

Can I ask how fertility treatment works for same sex couples. Obviously if you are a heterosexual couple you need to have been 'trying' for a certain length of time before you will be allowed IVF. How does that work if you can't 'try'?

You have to do the same with paid ivf

In my experience what you are offered varies depending on area. Where I live, same sex couples are allowed up to 6 cycles of IUI and one cycle of IVF on the NHS before having to pay privately. If you’re lucky enough to have a child that way, subsequent treatment that you want for any further children has to be paid for privately.

There isn’t any ‘trying’ involved because you can’t try unless you choose to have sex with a man of course. This is just what the NHS states couples are entitled to currently, in my area at least like I say. Might be a lot different elsewhere

Two mum family here with two kids (a boy and a girl). I felt anxious opening this to see what the response was, but I’ve found it heart warming reading an overwhelmingly positive thread!

I will admit that I also have issue with two dads but aware that this is a double standard. It’s the surrogacy that makes me feel uncomfortable. It wouldn’t have before I had given birth, but now I’ve had two babies of my own I feel like they should be with their mothers. That said, when my son was born I was very unwell and my wife was so natural with him. In fact, when the nurses swapped shifts and did their first round, they were asking her questions as if she was the birth mother!

I make sure my son has a strong relationship with my dad, and I feel like it’s very important for him to have a male role model and someone he can talk to growing up.

We used an anonymous donor (open ID when the kids are 18) and I have had some concerns regarding this after I watched the Netflix documentary about the man with a thousand or more children. This has spurred me to find the parents of my children’s donor siblings and I’m exploring relationships with them.

All of this is to say, I think two loving and considerate parents are better than a man/woman default!

I have zero issues with it. I do think it would be good to also have a good male role model, eg an uncle or good friend of the parents in their lives too. It

@Corneliusthecamel Well, I suppose in an ideal world children would have good role models of both sexes (not that it's crucial it's a parent of course as kids can have strong relationships with grand-fathers, uncles, etc.). In the real world, however, 2.7m women are bringing up their children alone and I would say that two mothers are better than one! Our God-daughter and her wife had their first baby a week ago and we're absolutely delighted for them. (And if we weren't, it wouldn't be any of our damn business anyway!)
Enjoy your new family OP and pay no heed to the judgement - that friendship had clearly run its course.

Agreed. It’s very cruel and also I agree that nobody is entitled to be a parent!

Easy answer for me: what a fortunate baby!