How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

There's a growing body of evidence that children who grow up with two mothers tend to do just as well, if not better, than children growing up in a heterosexual relationship. I have lesbian neighbours a few doors along and their son — now 22 — is the nicest, most woman-friendly young man imaginable. Only anecdata, I know, but his mums don't put up with any sexist nonsense.

I totally agree.

My daughter's friend was conceived through donor sperm - single mum. Daughter was perplexed about lack of Dad, and I explained that it was the sperm from the man that was required to fertilise an egg. Next time she came home from their house, she said "I asked X's mummy where the sperm came from, and she said a man put his sperm in a tube, and another man brought it to the house on a motorbike". Quite satisfied with that answer. V impressed by the motorbike. I apologised abjectly to friend's mum, who, luckily, was very relaxed as well as being a fabulous mother.

I think they have 1 mum and a step mum in all honesty. I think the idea a child wouldn’t be affected if rubbish thought up to make adults feel better about their life choices. But I’m also aware it’s my opinion and it’s none of my business.

Two mums is totally fine.

However, I think all people deserve to know who their genetic/biological male and female parents are. You can't erase the feeling of wanting to know where you come from and what your lineage is. Children may not think much about it, when they become an adult they definitely will.

I don’t think it’s fair to judge all same-sex couples by your child getting the wrong end of the stick. I don’t think an eight year old saying they don’t have a dad means they imagine they were created without sperm, just that they’re not being brought up by a father.

My closest lesbian friends have a very acute 9 year old, who’s perfectly aware of her origins (embryo ‘adoption’ whereby a couple who have ‘spare’ embryos at a clinic which they’re not going to use, offer them to another couple rather than destroy them).

And lots of kids of straight couples don’t come into being in the usual way, either. DS’s friend, a teenage boy, has grown up in a very traditional household, but is not biologically related to either parent — after years of trying, he was conceived via a sperm donor and a donated egg from a family member and carried by his mum. It has its own complications in that an aunt is technically his biological mother.

Doesn’t phase me in the slightest. Them having two moms. I find deliberately pursuing single motherhood more problematic but some women are wealthy with larger support networks.

But two moms? Don’t see the issue.

I’d immediately think that kids
with two mums are lucky, because as we all know mums generally do a lot of the heavy lifting.

Ultimately families come in all shapes and sizes and what form that family takes doesn’t really matter: whether you are raised by Dads, Mums, a grandmother or a foster parent, the most important thing is the quality of care.

Your friend has a horrible view. You are presumably in a happy relationship and have a happy house and a well looked after child. I don’t understand anyone having an issue with this.

This. Also whether two dads or two moms they will have to have put a lot of thought into it as it’s not like they can ever create a child accidentally.

@UndisclosedDesires nobody is entitled to be parents. It’s not a right. It’s a desire and we can’t always get what want as sad as that may be.

I honestly couldn't give a gnats' chuff what sex the parents are, as long as they do a half decent job of looking after them.

@ItsStillWork You are the one being confusing towards your child here. Father in thjs sense means the person that is raising them. My kids know kids with two mums and two dads and how babies are made and they don’t get confused about it.

Yes that

Either you’re confused about the meaning of “entitled” or you have wild views on parenting.

No one is "entitled" to be a parent.
It is selfish to deliberately create a child who will not know one of its parents.
Nothing to do with homophobia- the same applies to heterosexual couples.

Lots of people also think using donor sperm and adoption unless absolutely necessary for safety are also not ok for the child.
It's not about the adults - it's about the child.

I definitely think a mum and a dad is the best possible combination, when both are loving, engaged, active parents. Mums and dads do have different roles, for sons and for daughters. But where you’ve got two mums or dads who are loving and active, it can be a lot better than two parents of any kind who are not.

I don’t think two mothers is good. Too much attention to detail, too intense, too critical. I don’t think two fathers is good either. For different reasons. A mother and father is best. I fully accept not possible sometimes. I don’t think adults should create babies in these circumstances, I think they should adopt

I wouldn’t be alive without NHS fertility treatment. Neither would my child. Join a fertility support forum and read the utter heartbreak and despair of not being able to have children without fertility treatment. Unless you have the tens of thousands of pounds spare of course. Thank goodness you’re not on my local ICB

I have complicated feelings - I know several lesbian couples with children and some of them are good parents, some less so, exactly like hetero parents really. Obviously good parenting is multi-factored and loving attentive parents are the most important thing. What is however difficult is that your first relationships as child are formed with parents, and to a certain extent this is the model we follow in how we relate to each of the sexes, especially in romantic partnerships - so if a child has no early relationship to a male caregiver, they may struggle to relate to men in a healthy way in their future relationships. I worked in a daycare where a lesbian couple had a daughter, and at 4 years old she was absolutely terrified of men as she had had basically no close contact with them. And I worried somewhat about what this might bode for her future.
I also have an acquaintance who had two female parents and she has spoken for her absolute longing for a father and a male caregiving figure in her life and how this has led her to chase toxic relationships with much older men that tend to end badly. I think that in the ideal situation it makes sense, if possible, for same-sex couples to keep both biological parents in the child's life to try to mitigate this. All that said, having both bio parents around is absolutely zero guarantee that the child will avoid these problems - having a shitty dad is probably much worse for a child than two loving, caring mums.
It's a thorny issue but people probably do need to have frank and honest conversations about this in order to give their children the best start possible.

From my own personal experience , my lovely step daughter and her equally lovely wife ( together 10 years) became very proud parents to the most beautiful baby boy 14 months ago…..he is honestly the cutest , most loving, thriving baby and to see them both as devoted mums makes me beyond happy…the love and attention and input from them both is wonderful and I love them all so much… we also make sure there are plenty of male role models in his life …..
My own upbringing was a blessing for me with a lovely mum and dad just as loving and devoted so I knew nothing different ….
So yes, more than happy with 2 mums…..or whatever a family set up is as long as the parents are loving and child/ren are happy, loved and cared for….

I think if the child/ children are loved and cared for.. it doesn't matter if two women/ two men or one of each.
My friend is married to his husband .. they have a 12 year old daughter.. incredible amazing loving family.

I agree - generalising obviously, but I have no concerns about 2 women raising a child but reservations about 2 men, but I do know 2 gay men who are good fathers but I think they are unusual.

I have no issue with two women wanting to have a baby together.

I do feel sad for any child who has to grow up without a loving father.

I feel the same way about children who have to grow up without a mother if two men use fertility treatment to have a baby together.

I’m not fussed by “traditional family units” as they are the anomaly these days anyway but I do think that children should have a loving mother and father whenever possible as in my opinion they both play very important roles.